Whispers in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Rescue On Ice --by JAMES"Brook's best lead dog is struck deaf
13 total reviews
Comment from MyYiaYia
Nice introduction of characters. Starting to really round out now. I was wondering if you could put the ages of the kids in the author's notes. It would really help me get things straight in my head, if you could.
-I rub his arm for a little warmth. - 'to give him' a little warmth -
-He knows that because - delete 'that'-
-James that came along. - could say James 'who' instead. (sorry, you know I get OCD about 'that' LOL)-
-The theme tune on Wheel of Fortune wafts in -This may sound - 'The theme song to 'Wheel of Fortune' wafts...-
-out people like James who is not part of our culture." - OK, I will try to sound 'smart' here. I think the verb modifies 'people' and should be 'are'. How's that? LOL -also, comma after people and James -
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Nice introduction of characters. Starting to really round out now. I was wondering if you could put the ages of the kids in the author's notes. It would really help me get things straight in my head, if you could.
-I rub his arm for a little warmth. - 'to give him' a little warmth -
-He knows that because - delete 'that'-
-James that came along. - could say James 'who' instead. (sorry, you know I get OCD about 'that' LOL)-
-The theme tune on Wheel of Fortune wafts in -This may sound - 'The theme song to 'Wheel of Fortune' wafts...-
-out people like James who is not part of our culture." - OK, I will try to sound 'smart' here. I think the verb modifies 'people' and should be 'are'. How's that? LOL -also, comma after people and James -
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Your suggestions are soooo helpful. Thanks, YiaYia.
Comment from MissMerri
Another excellent chapter in this well-written story. I'm enjoying this very much for several reasons. The characters are believable and interesting and draw us into the story, but also, there is so much of the Alaskan culture revealed throughout the story. I think this makes it an especially valuable work, one that teachers everywhere would want their students to share.
I saw no areas that needed correcting. It was well edited and fun to read.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Another excellent chapter in this well-written story. I'm enjoying this very much for several reasons. The characters are believable and interesting and draw us into the story, but also, there is so much of the Alaskan culture revealed throughout the story. I think this makes it an especially valuable work, one that teachers everywhere would want their students to share.
I saw no areas that needed correcting. It was well edited and fun to read.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thanks a million, MissMerri.
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You are most welcome! So good to see your smiling face again! Hugs...
Comment from baktygul
At the start of reading this piece I thought Brook was the age of the author since I felt the warmth of the old woman diction and didn't think about kids this story was written for. Probably the story is worth to read for every age from upper 10. I'm interested in reading other stories in the future.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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At the start of reading this piece I thought Brook was the age of the author since I felt the warmth of the old woman diction and didn't think about kids this story was written for. Probably the story is worth to read for every age from upper 10. I'm interested in reading other stories in the future.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Thanks for your interest and for your time given to this chapter.
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Thnk you!
Comment from Donna Thompson
nicely done story.. good detail and flow to the storyline with great transition sentences.. Great description and well thought out read to captivate the reader. well done
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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nicely done story.. good detail and flow to the storyline with great transition sentences.. Great description and well thought out read to captivate the reader. well done
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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You are very encouraging. Thanks for your time and interest.
Comment from axelbeariter
There's gush in Mom's usual, no-nonsense voice/an unusually great line---her dark eyes flash me a frown./nice---He wears it straight on instead of backward like most other boys./telling observation---his feet are as red as a skinned salmon/great simile---enemy!/instead of an !, show why he is an enemy---That man is indestructible!--"Yeah, I know. He's so cool!"--"So good at everything!--four exclamation marks. Use them sparingly. because they're distracting. Show the emphasis they are supposed to represent, don't tell. Otherwise, this was an interesting setup chapter.
along side/this is one word-alongside
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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There's gush in Mom's usual, no-nonsense voice/an unusually great line---her dark eyes flash me a frown./nice---He wears it straight on instead of backward like most other boys./telling observation---his feet are as red as a skinned salmon/great simile---enemy!/instead of an !, show why he is an enemy---That man is indestructible!--"Yeah, I know. He's so cool!"--"So good at everything!--four exclamation marks. Use them sparingly. because they're distracting. Show the emphasis they are supposed to represent, don't tell. Otherwise, this was an interesting setup chapter.
along side/this is one word-alongside
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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You are so helpful. I checked the explanation points and was shocked at how carried away I was. All your suggestions are the kind of things I want to hear. Thanks so much, axelbeariter.
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Thanks for your message. Check out some awesome pictures at ibeariter.com. You can use them in e-cards, desktops or even compile them as screen savers. Iā??ve posted a new poem on FS (currently at #79 on the list) called, Godā??s full power. It pays good to reviewers.
Comment from Tellis
Another great chapter and I think the two mushers really like each other and just don't know it yet. LoL Keep up the great work.
Tellis
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2010
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Another great chapter and I think the two mushers really like each other and just don't know it yet. LoL Keep up the great work.
Tellis
Comment Written 27-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2010
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Thanks, Tellis, for bothering to read this chapter. I hope I can work out the rest of it -- sometimes I wonder.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Good chapter setting the stage for what Brook has against James and getting us geared up for the race.
Didn't spot any spags.
Roberta
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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Good chapter setting the stage for what Brook has against James and getting us geared up for the race.
Didn't spot any spags.
Roberta
Comment Written 26-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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Thanks for check out this chapter, Roberta.
Comment from Charlene0513
To Alaskastory,
An episode where Brook is bothered by all the attention that James is getting for saving her Uncle Earl but more hurt that no one is paying no mind to her dog Shemya, who went deaf trying to save her life from a daunting brown bear.
Charlene
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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To Alaskastory,
An episode where Brook is bothered by all the attention that James is getting for saving her Uncle Earl but more hurt that no one is paying no mind to her dog Shemya, who went deaf trying to save her life from a daunting brown bear.
Charlene
Comment Written 25-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Thanks for your time and interest.
Comment from Kelly Shackelford
I really liked this chapter. it had nice flow to it. My only suggestions is to tone down the "i love my siblings" part at the start of the story. Most YA will not get it as they are not old enough to appreciate them yet.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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I really liked this chapter. it had nice flow to it. My only suggestions is to tone down the "i love my siblings" part at the start of the story. Most YA will not get it as they are not old enough to appreciate them yet.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
Comment Written 25-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Thanks for your suggestion and the time you gave this chapter.
Comment from c_lucas
This is an excellent dialogue driven chapter that maintained the reader's interest throughout. Very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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This is an excellent dialogue driven chapter that maintained the reader's interest throughout. Very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Thanks for the encouraging words and for the time you gave this chapter.
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You're welcome. Charlie
