I Hereby Crown Thee ...
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Shadow of Mirth"A collection of crowns of sonnets
45 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Bravo for a well penned and impressive crown of sonnets. Excellent rhyming choices, meter and flow. Clearly conveys the tale with style and consistent tone and pace.
Nice subtle humor ornamenting the terror-filled tale.
LOVED THIS PART---
As trees replaced a populated place,
Our hero turned and smiled a smile of Zen.
He threw his sword aside and set his chin,
then balled his fists to rest upon his hips.
As fangs approached he swallowed his chagrin
And blew a kiss with wildly puckered lips.
**ONE NIT
A tear did form; one of them had to die.
This line irked me slightly, using the verb did unnecessarily is a pet peeve of mine. It seems to be slightly off in scansion and sounds choppy to my ear. Also one of them had to seems wordy. Maybe consider rephrasing---
A tear then formed, for one of them must die.
Brilliant work.
Kudos and applause.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Bravo for a well penned and impressive crown of sonnets. Excellent rhyming choices, meter and flow. Clearly conveys the tale with style and consistent tone and pace.
Nice subtle humor ornamenting the terror-filled tale.
LOVED THIS PART---
As trees replaced a populated place,
Our hero turned and smiled a smile of Zen.
He threw his sword aside and set his chin,
then balled his fists to rest upon his hips.
As fangs approached he swallowed his chagrin
And blew a kiss with wildly puckered lips.
**ONE NIT
A tear did form; one of them had to die.
This line irked me slightly, using the verb did unnecessarily is a pet peeve of mine. It seems to be slightly off in scansion and sounds choppy to my ear. Also one of them had to seems wordy. Maybe consider rephrasing---
A tear then formed, for one of them must die.
Brilliant work.
Kudos and applause.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Argh, you caught me! Of course, you would :-) I'm not fond of that line and will certainly be having a fiddle.
As always it's great to hear from you, RD! Thank you for your wonderful comments, and for keeping me on my toes :-)
Mike
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Always great to hear from you too, Mike. I am sure your fiddle will produce a fine music-- :)
Love, rd
Comment from fluffnstuff
It was one I read over three times and chuckled at what humor you threw in. I personally love the time period you chose, and the picture goes very well with it. I give you lots of credit for doing such a hard task so well. I skipped it myself.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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It was one I read over three times and chuckled at what humor you threw in. I personally love the time period you chose, and the picture goes very well with it. I give you lots of credit for doing such a hard task so well. I skipped it myself.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thank you, fluff. I've found myself enjoying writing sonnets recently, so the Crown seemed like an ideal choice to tell my tale. So glad you enjoyed!
Mike
Comment from adewpearl
saliva flying, smorgasbords of feed - now, that is not a nice way for this dragon to think of Dave LOL
after Dave blew him a kiss he tore Dave's guts open? Gee whiz.
What a sweet ending when Dave's laughter instead of screams of horror the dragon expected shrink that dragon to only seven inches tall - it's like the Grinch in reverse when his heart grew. LOL
I love your thoughtful conclusion about Dave's sacrifice that saved the day for the rest of the population - I have to tell you, I have a hard time getting through most crowns of sonnets because they are just too damned long, but this one kept my attention from beginning to end. It is also beautifully constructed following all those rules. :-) Great job, Mike :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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saliva flying, smorgasbords of feed - now, that is not a nice way for this dragon to think of Dave LOL
after Dave blew him a kiss he tore Dave's guts open? Gee whiz.
What a sweet ending when Dave's laughter instead of screams of horror the dragon expected shrink that dragon to only seven inches tall - it's like the Grinch in reverse when his heart grew. LOL
I love your thoughtful conclusion about Dave's sacrifice that saved the day for the rest of the population - I have to tell you, I have a hard time getting through most crowns of sonnets because they are just too damned long, but this one kept my attention from beginning to end. It is also beautifully constructed following all those rules. :-) Great job, Mike :-) Brooke
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Brooke :-). That's a day's worth of train rides and breaks there, and you can thank Hitcher for giving me the idea with his epic tale of hell.
I've been having the urge to write another crown for some time and this was the perfect excuse.
Thank you for the wonderful re iew, my friend, I'm so glad you enjoyed it :-)
Mike
Comment from Judian James
Fabulous undertaking that's a complete success. It's a story. It's an epic. It's a Crown of Sonnets. It's a miracle! You sprinkled humor throughout. Your rhyming and meter was swell. Sonnet VI was my favorite as Dave fell amongst the leaves and nuts" Just a good time all around. Superb!
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Fabulous undertaking that's a complete success. It's a story. It's an epic. It's a Crown of Sonnets. It's a miracle! You sprinkled humor throughout. Your rhyming and meter was swell. Sonnet VI was my favorite as Dave fell amongst the leaves and nuts" Just a good time all around. Superb!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Jude! I started this on the train this morning and I was all geared up to spend the week finishing and fiddling with it. Then it kept writing itself, so here it is! I'm thrilled you like it; it was always going to fly high or crash spectacularly. I think there's a couple of tiny tweaks to make, but on the whole I'm very happy with it.
Thanks again, JJ! Your support and encouragement is fantastic :-)
Mike
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Yeah, I have to stop myself from tweaking and re-tweaking everything I post ... I thought your title on this piece was great too.
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The title went through several iterations; it started off as Derring Do Two, then became a toss-up between The Shadow of Laughter and In Laughter's Shadow. It was onlt when I was actually posting it that I thought of Mirth and realised it sounded a lot better :-)
I'm not usually one for tweaking, but when they're this long there's always something I feel could have been better!
THank you, Jude.
Mike
Comment from wierdgrace
I truly have tried to write poems lately and I think it is because I have been writing so many science fiction stories, my mind is stuck, this is wonderful, and I hope you get many votes in the conest, no errors I could see, structure perfect, loved it.
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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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I truly have tried to write poems lately and I think it is because I have been writing so many science fiction stories, my mind is stuck, this is wonderful, and I hope you get many votes in the conest, no errors I could see, structure perfect, loved it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thank you, weirdgrace :-). This was lots of fun to write and I-m glad that's come through in the reading.
Mike
