I Hereby Crown Thee ...
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Shadow of Mirth"A collection of crowns of sonnets
45 total reviews
Comment from Alexandra.Obreja
What an amazing effort! This contest has become a bucket for brilliant jewels of poetry.
Sir, i sincerely wish you good luck in the contest!
This...is a masterpiece.
Good luck in the contest!
Alex
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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What an amazing effort! This contest has become a bucket for brilliant jewels of poetry.
Sir, i sincerely wish you good luck in the contest!
This...is a masterpiece.
Good luck in the contest!
Alex
Comment Written 24-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Thank you so much, Alex! You're right; there have been some brilliant entries, and the idea certainly got my inspiration going!
Mike
Comment from Alexander E Poet
I thought the human great, I thought this was insightful organize the imagery was thought provoking, and peace that is world well worth pondering. You did a fantastic job with this one. Well done Alexander no errors all mistakes
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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I thought the human great, I thought this was insightful organize the imagery was thought provoking, and peace that is world well worth pondering. You did a fantastic job with this one. Well done Alexander no errors all mistakes
Comment Written 24-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Alexander :-). I had a lot of fun writing this one. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Mike
Comment from Patricia.Green
Hi, Mike. You've got got a great crown going here. I enjoyed the story and the form. Sonnets are generally too difficult for most people, so you've gone far beyond the norm with your poem.
I found a few errors, though, which is why I'm giving you 4 instead of 5 stars. Call me a perfectionist.
11 syllables in the following lines (tsk, tsk):
shall fight the beast, like Beowolf in the tales!" ;
An idea formed within his ailing brain, ;
into a shower of ribbons, blood and mire .
In stanza 3: ss screams rang out. Typo.
In stanza 4: distain should be disdain.
In stanza 7: Our hero laughed in horror, his heart sank, /
the beast roared out and steadily it shrank. "The beast" deserves a capital T in "the." You should check your other lines for potential capitalization errors.
(Pardon the format of these comments. I'm being lazy, but hopefully getting the point across.)
Overall, it is a very good poem. I enjoyed it. There are just a few little things that need cleaning up.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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Hi, Mike. You've got got a great crown going here. I enjoyed the story and the form. Sonnets are generally too difficult for most people, so you've gone far beyond the norm with your poem.
I found a few errors, though, which is why I'm giving you 4 instead of 5 stars. Call me a perfectionist.
11 syllables in the following lines (tsk, tsk):
shall fight the beast, like Beowolf in the tales!" ;
An idea formed within his ailing brain, ;
into a shower of ribbons, blood and mire .
In stanza 3: ss screams rang out. Typo.
In stanza 4: distain should be disdain.
In stanza 7: Our hero laughed in horror, his heart sank, /
the beast roared out and steadily it shrank. "The beast" deserves a capital T in "the." You should check your other lines for potential capitalization errors.
(Pardon the format of these comments. I'm being lazy, but hopefully getting the point across.)
Overall, it is a very good poem. I enjoyed it. There are just a few little things that need cleaning up.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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There's nothing wrong with being a perfectionist, Patricia; it's what keeps us improving. Thank you for pointing out the distain/disdain error. That's an old bane of mine. Also the 'ss', which was a typo I actually added in revision when removing an incorrect capital; how irritating!
I have to disagree with your syllable counts, though. In order to get 11 syllables from the lines you specify one must count the soft 'wa' and 'ya' emphases as syllable breaks. This is something I always used to do, but by that token 'fire', 'dire', etc would all be two syllables as well. Every time I did that I was told they were one. Anyway, exhaustive research on the subject led me to the answer that the number of syllables in words with soft accents varies wildly based on regionalisation and accent. Respected dictionaries disagree on the counts. Hence, they can be either, and neither is incorrect. I try to stay consistent within a single piece of work, so here I have not counted any soft accents as syllable breaks, I hope!
Sorry if I've bored you, I just wanted to explain my rationale.
Thanks again for taking the time to read my piece and send me your comments. I have fixed the errors you noticed.
Mike
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Hi, Mike. On FanStory, there are so many conflicting points-of-view with regard to meter. I try to stick with feet, but try to explain feet to someone in a brief review! Add to that the fact that, as you point out, pronunciation can be radically different from one region/country to another, and you have a real mess. How did the poets of former times handle it? Better than we do, I think. :)
I accept your rationale. Mine might be different, but I won't go so far as to say it's "better." -- Patricia
Comment from dawnwlight
This poem must have taken you a while. It seems as though you have added an a,b,a,b rhyme to it as well. I defiantly enjoyed this talented work. GREAT JOB! Thank you.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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This poem must have taken you a while. It seems as though you have added an a,b,a,b rhyme to it as well. I defiantly enjoyed this talented work. GREAT JOB! Thank you.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Dawn :-). The first draft came out really quick; about forty minutes, but then I spent quite a while fiddling before I was happy with it. Thank you for the fantastic rating and the even more fantastic comments!
Mike
Comment from RaymondJohn
Bravo! Your tale is captivating. It has a truly heroic saga ring to it, and a lot of tension. You should have an excellent shot at the prize. Congrats, my friend. Very well done. Ray.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Bravo! Your tale is captivating. It has a truly heroic saga ring to it, and a lot of tension. You should have an excellent shot at the prize. Congrats, my friend. Very well done. Ray.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Ray, for the fantastic review. I remember when I first joined the site, you reviewed my Purple Roses sci-fi story and it was that review that spurred me on to write and post more stories, so I have much to thank you for! I'm so glad you enjoyed this one :-)
Mike
Comment from patmedium
Mike... a tale worthy of a mediaeval Lord's banqueting hall, with music played in the background on harp and lyre. Pat. xx
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Mike... a tale worthy of a mediaeval Lord's banqueting hall, with music played in the background on harp and lyre. Pat. xx
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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... whilst quaffing foaming flagons of mead, feasting on a spitted ox, and ogling the buxom wenches! Thank you, Pat; I'm heartily glad you enjoyed my tale :-)
Mike
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You seemed to have some fun composing this one, chum! Pat.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good flow, good meter, good words, i was reminded about the battle between david and goliath until i kept reading down and then i thought about the battle between david and saul. a wonderful sonnet
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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this is very well written with good flow, good meter, good words, i was reminded about the battle between david and goliath until i kept reading down and then i thought about the battle between david and saul. a wonderful sonnet
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review :-). I think the heroes who believe they are cowards but fight on nevertheless are the most heroic of all.
Mike
Comment from Deejharrington
I enjoyed the humor of your hero Dave and the monster. Laughter can overcome most to the evils of the mind and the world. We sometimes forget it is the best medicine. A sense of humor can go a long way to keep one on the right path.
dj
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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I enjoyed the humor of your hero Dave and the monster. Laughter can overcome most to the evils of the mind and the world. We sometimes forget it is the best medicine. A sense of humor can go a long way to keep one on the right path.
dj
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you, DJ :-). My tale had to end in laughter, even if it was the most bitter kind. I'm glad you enjoyed the read!
Mike
Comment from M. Karol
What a tale and a message within. I liked the way it was told with a dash of humor.
Alas hero had to die too but it did give so much to the rest of the humanity.
Laughter is the bravest hero no doubt.
Initially I thought it was long but enjoyed reading it till the end.
M
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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What a tale and a message within. I liked the way it was told with a dash of humor.
Alas hero had to die too but it did give so much to the rest of the humanity.
Laughter is the bravest hero no doubt.
Initially I thought it was long but enjoyed reading it till the end.
M
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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Thank you, M :-). True, it's a longy, but telling a story gave me a good excuse to have another stab at a Crown, and hopefully I didn't waffle. I'm so glad you enjoyed it :-)
Mike
Comment from Hitcher
I see you have taken up the challenge Mike, w*nker! ha ha. This is to f/n good my man, and YOUR meter is bang on, show off! ha ha. As always the visual side of the poem is outstanding, the fact that you have a dusting of dark humor through out is a nice touch mate. You have got to be a contender, for sure! W*nker! ha ha.
Sorry, I'll stop abusing you now MATE, it is a awesome Crown Of sonnets Mike, well done mate! and GOOD LUCK!
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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I see you have taken up the challenge Mike, w*nker! ha ha. This is to f/n good my man, and YOUR meter is bang on, show off! ha ha. As always the visual side of the poem is outstanding, the fact that you have a dusting of dark humor through out is a nice touch mate. You have got to be a contender, for sure! W*nker! ha ha.
Sorry, I'll stop abusing you now MATE, it is a awesome Crown Of sonnets Mike, well done mate! and GOOD LUCK!
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2010
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It's kind of your fault, really mate, lol :-) I hadn't really thought about entering the story contest until I read your awesome epic. After that I just had to have a go, and I was annoyed with myself for missing the last Crown contest so I thought I'd have a try.
As for contending, I don't hold much hope, but it sure was fun having a go at it, and I have you to thank for putting me in the mood.
ya w**ker ;-)
lol
Mike
