Whispers in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Home Comfort --by BROOK ANNE"Brook's best lead dog is struck deaf
10 total reviews
Comment from MyYiaYia
Another fine chapter. I do have two questions. Earl is experienced in living in Alaska. I can't see how he would get caught in the river water. He should have spotted it same as James. ALso, I thought it odd he would have to ask if the Junior Nationals were the big race or not. Surely, he would have known that. I know you have to get the information out, but it just sort of makes this Alaskan native appear either senile or stupid. Was that too rough? I am sorry. I can't quite get out what I am trying to say here. Let me know if it is unclear and I will try again.
- Bye the time he gets - 'by'-
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Another fine chapter. I do have two questions. Earl is experienced in living in Alaska. I can't see how he would get caught in the river water. He should have spotted it same as James. ALso, I thought it odd he would have to ask if the Junior Nationals were the big race or not. Surely, he would have known that. I know you have to get the information out, but it just sort of makes this Alaskan native appear either senile or stupid. Was that too rough? I am sorry. I can't quite get out what I am trying to say here. Let me know if it is unclear and I will try again.
- Bye the time he gets - 'by'-
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Yes, Earl is experienced. A common winter problem poses a threat to many who live in the wilderness -- not unusual.
Thanks for your suggestion, YiaYia.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
I almost missed this one. I hurt my arm on the 14th and can't stay on here very long now. Glad I spotted this, though.
"Hey[,] James,
send[s] a chill shiver through me. ---
either chill or shiver, not both.
Great chapter. Good action.
Roberta
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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I almost missed this one. I hurt my arm on the 14th and can't stay on here very long now. Glad I spotted this, though.
"Hey[,] James,
send[s] a chill shiver through me. ---
either chill or shiver, not both.
Great chapter. Good action.
Roberta
Comment Written 26-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2010
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Goodness, you are the greatest at spotting my goofs! I hope your arm heals very soon. Thanks for reviewing, Roberta.
Comment from Tellis
What an excellent chapter and I thought the guy in the water was a goner. I thought you got the excitement of trying to save some one in the water perfect.
Tellis
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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What an excellent chapter and I thought the guy in the water was a goner. I thought you got the excitement of trying to save some one in the water perfect.
Tellis
Comment Written 19-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Thanks, Tellis. I love your opinion and the precious time you gave to reading this chapter.
Comment from MissMerri
Wow! This is a scary story, and quite well told. I can't imagine any young person laying the book aside in the middle of this chapter. This is the kind of story that used to make me hide a flashlight under my covers at night so I could read after my sister insisted on lights out. ;-)
I came across a few speed bumps, which I'll point out, but if they don't bother you, then I'll not worry about them either. Certainly nothing serious.
***Seven red tongues hang low as if the dogs are hot and smiling over every mile. (I would leave off "hot" and say "as if the dogs were smiling over..." because you say "as if" and hot seems like a real possibility. Also, it doesn't really fit with the idea of smiling.)
***Shadows of (from) the trees cast long stripes across the snow, looking like smoked salmon strips hanging freely on racks.
***snow machine is (has) slammed into an ice ridge and lay (is tipped) on its side.
***I [pulled] (pull) the soggy coat over his head.
***Snow dusts the machine, when we find it, and blends in with frosted willows. (This sounds as if you are saying that when you find the machine, snow begins to dust it. How about, "When we find the machine, it is dusted with snow, making it blend in with the frosted willows." Or... "and blends in with the frosted willows."??)
There are so many beautiful passages, I can't list them all here, but you paint vivid scenes and recreate for your readers much of the rare beauty and uniqueness of Alaska. This gives your writing a very special quality. I love reading your stories!
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Wow! This is a scary story, and quite well told. I can't imagine any young person laying the book aside in the middle of this chapter. This is the kind of story that used to make me hide a flashlight under my covers at night so I could read after my sister insisted on lights out. ;-)
I came across a few speed bumps, which I'll point out, but if they don't bother you, then I'll not worry about them either. Certainly nothing serious.
***Seven red tongues hang low as if the dogs are hot and smiling over every mile. (I would leave off "hot" and say "as if the dogs were smiling over..." because you say "as if" and hot seems like a real possibility. Also, it doesn't really fit with the idea of smiling.)
***Shadows of (from) the trees cast long stripes across the snow, looking like smoked salmon strips hanging freely on racks.
***snow machine is (has) slammed into an ice ridge and lay (is tipped) on its side.
***I [pulled] (pull) the soggy coat over his head.
***Snow dusts the machine, when we find it, and blends in with frosted willows. (This sounds as if you are saying that when you find the machine, snow begins to dust it. How about, "When we find the machine, it is dusted with snow, making it blend in with the frosted willows." Or... "and blends in with the frosted willows."??)
There are so many beautiful passages, I can't list them all here, but you paint vivid scenes and recreate for your readers much of the rare beauty and uniqueness of Alaska. This gives your writing a very special quality. I love reading your stories!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2010
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Great suggestions, MissM. I appreciate them and your encouraging remarks. You keep me inspired! Thanks a million!
Comment from Annmuma
Great dialogue and your knowledge of dog-sledding comes through clearly. I believe the reality of the information makes the story more interesting for the chosen age group. Good job. ann
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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Great dialogue and your knowledge of dog-sledding comes through clearly. I believe the reality of the information makes the story more interesting for the chosen age group. Good job. ann
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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Many thanks, Ann, for your encouraging remarks. I appreciate the time and interest you gave this chapter.
Comment from K. L. K. Wienholtz
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I personally struggled being far from familiar with dog sledding. Even with the back story at the top, I struggled to get my bearing on characters. The end seemed slightly abrupt, but the imagery of place was wonderful.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I personally struggled being far from familiar with dog sledding. Even with the back story at the top, I struggled to get my bearing on characters. The end seemed slightly abrupt, but the imagery of place was wonderful.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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I appreciate your encouraging remarks. The ending sentences may need a bit more. Thanks for your time and interest.
Comment from dan grob
I had one last six star rating and I was wondering who would get it, now we know, I loved it, you really know about dog sledding. My brother lived in Alaska for thirty years so I've had the chance to see it up close, great job thank you Dan
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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I had one last six star rating and I was wondering who would get it, now we know, I loved it, you really know about dog sledding. My brother lived in Alaska for thirty years so I've had the chance to see it up close, great job thank you Dan
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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Dan, you are very encouraging. Thanks so much for your reviewing this chapter.
Comment from stephonavich
This is good! You have a nice story and plot going on. I like how you portray James and this seems like it could turn out to be a love story. Here are some of my thoughts:
"he asks, a little breathlessly." - careful with the speech tags. "said" is fine and try not to use too many adjectives for a speech tag.
"Luger turns the dogs sharply right, and I push with a boot to give the dogs help up the riverbank. From the bank, I see a dangerous problem developing. I halt the team for a closer look." - You have quiet a few "choppy" sentences that have the potential to flow better with editing. - Luger turns the team right, and I help by pushing the sled up the bank. The higher ground allows me to see the overflow. Parking the team, I go in for a closer look." just a suggestion. The sentences before this one seems to flow better.
The dogs are handling well. When we reach the trapper's cabin, we circle slowly around. I stop the dogs to get a look at trampled snow marked with a sea of bear and dog tracks. I see a fallen tree branch, and damage done near the door. There is no bear. - need a little more description or visualization to give us the image to help the reader feel the "creepiness" that James feels.
grab the safety rope I always carry and loop it around the nearest skinny spruce tree.
- this sounds awkward, as if he has a rope around a tree all the time (does what I say make sense?)
Until now, I was on autopilot. With no time to panic, my only thought was to get him out of the river. Now what? - this section here, I have to ask why not have James think about getting Earl's parka off, and getting him to Pete's cabin? That would impress the reader that this guy is smart, good on his toes, a leader which he has to be if he's in charge of a team, and would win some brownie points with the reader for being clever and good under stress. Unless of course, you want James to grow into that, but it might prove that he's just that good and how can our protagonist beat our antagonist! Oh no! She can't beat him! He's too smart, better, good looking - whatever, make your antagonist strong and your protagonist will have to be great as she sails to the finish line with a deaf dog, wit and talent.
"Earl is a tough man, but he shivers violently for a long time." - good time to describe Earl! What's he look like? What type of guy is he?
"the lump in my throat is bigger than a squirrel." - fantastic line!
"Snow dusts the machine, when we find it, and blends in with frosted willows." - too many tenses. Stay in the same tense. "It was difficult to find the machine as white dusted the snowmobile, blending it with frosted willows."
Keep writing! This is a very charming story!
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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This is good! You have a nice story and plot going on. I like how you portray James and this seems like it could turn out to be a love story. Here are some of my thoughts:
"he asks, a little breathlessly." - careful with the speech tags. "said" is fine and try not to use too many adjectives for a speech tag.
"Luger turns the dogs sharply right, and I push with a boot to give the dogs help up the riverbank. From the bank, I see a dangerous problem developing. I halt the team for a closer look." - You have quiet a few "choppy" sentences that have the potential to flow better with editing. - Luger turns the team right, and I help by pushing the sled up the bank. The higher ground allows me to see the overflow. Parking the team, I go in for a closer look." just a suggestion. The sentences before this one seems to flow better.
The dogs are handling well. When we reach the trapper's cabin, we circle slowly around. I stop the dogs to get a look at trampled snow marked with a sea of bear and dog tracks. I see a fallen tree branch, and damage done near the door. There is no bear. - need a little more description or visualization to give us the image to help the reader feel the "creepiness" that James feels.
grab the safety rope I always carry and loop it around the nearest skinny spruce tree.
- this sounds awkward, as if he has a rope around a tree all the time (does what I say make sense?)
Until now, I was on autopilot. With no time to panic, my only thought was to get him out of the river. Now what? - this section here, I have to ask why not have James think about getting Earl's parka off, and getting him to Pete's cabin? That would impress the reader that this guy is smart, good on his toes, a leader which he has to be if he's in charge of a team, and would win some brownie points with the reader for being clever and good under stress. Unless of course, you want James to grow into that, but it might prove that he's just that good and how can our protagonist beat our antagonist! Oh no! She can't beat him! He's too smart, better, good looking - whatever, make your antagonist strong and your protagonist will have to be great as she sails to the finish line with a deaf dog, wit and talent.
"Earl is a tough man, but he shivers violently for a long time." - good time to describe Earl! What's he look like? What type of guy is he?
"the lump in my throat is bigger than a squirrel." - fantastic line!
"Snow dusts the machine, when we find it, and blends in with frosted willows." - too many tenses. Stay in the same tense. "It was difficult to find the machine as white dusted the snowmobile, blending it with frosted willows."
Keep writing! This is a very charming story!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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You are so much help. I appreciate hearing about how certain phrases, etc. hit a reader. I'll surely take a strong look at all the points you make. Thanks for your time and expertise, steponavich.
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I'm glad to help! I think YA is much harder because you have to stay within a certain reading level and I admire those who tackle it!
Comment from RhiannonD
I enjoyed the pace of your story. I found myself reading faster as the danger worsened. I was living the rescue. Well done. The first sentence I tripped up on, and I'm not sure why, but it was: "Am I looking at tears in your eyes, James?" Earl asks softly. I don't think it sounds 'natural' Perhaps he could say: "Do I see tears in your eyes... or : Are they tears I see in your eyes. Anyway, hope it helps. The only other trip up was when you slipped into past tense with:'Earl poured another cup of hot tea.' I don't write in first person much because I find it easier to write in past tense. Thanks for sharing Alaska :0)
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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I enjoyed the pace of your story. I found myself reading faster as the danger worsened. I was living the rescue. Well done. The first sentence I tripped up on, and I'm not sure why, but it was: "Am I looking at tears in your eyes, James?" Earl asks softly. I don't think it sounds 'natural' Perhaps he could say: "Do I see tears in your eyes... or : Are they tears I see in your eyes. Anyway, hope it helps. The only other trip up was when you slipped into past tense with:'Earl poured another cup of hot tea.' I don't write in first person much because I find it easier to write in past tense. Thanks for sharing Alaska :0)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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Goodness, I'm so glad you caught the 'ed' snag. I'm glad to hear your response to the tears too. Thanks a million for the review.
Comment from axelbeariter
The beak of a baseball cap/nice picture----looking like smoked salmon strips hanging freely on racks/nice simile
A snow machine is slammed into an ice ridge and lay on its side/awkward----Your character portraits are spot on. So far, you've set up your story nicely, and even provided a good bit of tension/Good job/writing.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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The beak of a baseball cap/nice picture----looking like smoked salmon strips hanging freely on racks/nice simile
A snow machine is slammed into an ice ridge and lay on its side/awkward----Your character portraits are spot on. So far, you've set up your story nicely, and even provided a good bit of tension/Good job/writing.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much for giving your time to this chapter. I so appreciate your encouraging commments.
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Do me a favor. I have a poem, Godā??s Full Power, at #110 on page 4 in the listing. I canā??t afford to raise it any higher. I would appreciate it, if you reviewed it before April 15th. If you would like to have me as a fan to review your latest work, please advise me.
Thanks, Axelbeariter
