Whispers in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "A Grizzly Bear -by BROOK ANNE"Brook's best lead dog is struck deaf
8 total reviews
Comment from MyYiaYia
Wow! This one was a real thriller. I was enthralled the whole way through. What a brave dog. I was hoping the grizzly wouldn't see the other dogs as its next meal. I was thankful when it went away.
I've heard that if a bear wakes up from the winter's sleep to search for food, it's likely to be in a grumpy mood. - This sentence is out of place here. It would do much better if added after growl it warns me not to intrude on its meal. - What do you think?-
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Wow! This one was a real thriller. I was enthralled the whole way through. What a brave dog. I was hoping the grizzly wouldn't see the other dogs as its next meal. I was thankful when it went away.
I've heard that if a bear wakes up from the winter's sleep to search for food, it's likely to be in a grumpy mood. - This sentence is out of place here. It would do much better if added after growl it warns me not to intrude on its meal. - What do you think?-
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate you, YiaYia.
Comment from MissMerri
I'm really enjoying this new story, Miss Alaska. I like the way you are telling it in first person, present tense. It is very immediate and vivid that way. The reader is right in the middle of the action, which you describe so well, with strong verbs and few, but appropriate modifiers.
I thought the suspicion of a bear in the cabin should be made more clear just a bit before the discovery somehow. The broken bench and scattered pans are clues, but I wanted to know what was in the mind of the narrator.
The descriptions of what is taking place as Shemya attacks the bear are absolute genius! Your words are strong and so perfectly describe the scene. It is impossible not to feel the tension and drama. Excellent writing!
small suggestions:
He has other cabins like it (somewhere in) [scattered throughout] the hills and valley where[ever] his trap-line takes him.
A broken bench lay outside the cabin door. [I notice a broken bench just outside the cabin door and wonder...]
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2010
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I'm really enjoying this new story, Miss Alaska. I like the way you are telling it in first person, present tense. It is very immediate and vivid that way. The reader is right in the middle of the action, which you describe so well, with strong verbs and few, but appropriate modifiers.
I thought the suspicion of a bear in the cabin should be made more clear just a bit before the discovery somehow. The broken bench and scattered pans are clues, but I wanted to know what was in the mind of the narrator.
The descriptions of what is taking place as Shemya attacks the bear are absolute genius! Your words are strong and so perfectly describe the scene. It is impossible not to feel the tension and drama. Excellent writing!
small suggestions:
He has other cabins like it (somewhere in) [scattered throughout] the hills and valley where[ever] his trap-line takes him.
A broken bench lay outside the cabin door. [I notice a broken bench just outside the cabin door and wonder...]
Comment Written 13-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2010
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Thanks for the hints. I posted a rewrite yesterday on sentences describing the team's sudden stop, all in response to a reviewer's comments. Don't know if it is better or worse now. Thanks so much for reviewing and encouraging, my dear friend.
Comment from Tellis
I am yelling mad as I spit out each name. This seems a little off. I think you transposed the words yelling and spit. Sounds better as "I am spiiting mad as I yell out each name." Just a suggestion though.
Its (fur body) is messy with dirt and dry moss clinging to it. There you did it again.(body fur)
I enjoyed this terrific story.
Tellis
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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I am yelling mad as I spit out each name. This seems a little off. I think you transposed the words yelling and spit. Sounds better as "I am spiiting mad as I yell out each name." Just a suggestion though.
Its (fur body) is messy with dirt and dry moss clinging to it. There you did it again.(body fur)
I enjoyed this terrific story.
Tellis
Comment Written 11-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much for the suggestions. I agree. You're such a help.
Comment from Annmuma
This story is well-written and certainly on target for your anticipated audience. The scenes are vividly painted and every kid will identify with the boy/dog relationship. Good job. ann
With one last snarl, the grizzly lumbers away into the forest.
Good descriptive sentence
"You mutts hush up," -- comma between mutts and hush.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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This story is well-written and certainly on target for your anticipated audience. The scenes are vividly painted and every kid will identify with the boy/dog relationship. Good job. ann
With one last snarl, the grizzly lumbers away into the forest.
Good descriptive sentence
"You mutts hush up," -- comma between mutts and hush.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much for reading this and for catching the missing comma. You're such a help!
Comment from toni guerrero
What a dramatic story. What a good dog. I enjoy the good story very much. There was alot of dramatic moments running away from the big bear. You have a good story with very good dialogue. I enjoyed it. Keep up the great work.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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What a dramatic story. What a good dog. I enjoy the good story very much. There was alot of dramatic moments running away from the big bear. You have a good story with very good dialogue. I enjoyed it. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much for the encouraging remarks.
Comment from stephonavich
Good tension, nice description - especially of the bear breath! Now that you're on to your second novel, know that I'll be harder on you, but I never ever am trying to be mean, just being a ruthless editor so here are my thoughts:
I toss it and the rope into the sled basket.-no, no bad "it". I want to obliterate "it" and if you ever see me using "it" take a bat to my head. "it" is non-descriptive, useless word along with "thing". Re-word your sentence what ever you have to do, don't be lazy by using "it" in a sentence.
"Then Tok comes to a dead stop and the team skids into him. Whatever scent my inexperienced leader caught, it causes him to forget his job of keeping the lines taut. All of the dogs tumble into one another. I stomp on the brake in time to avoid ramming them with the sled." - could be worded to flow better.
"Whatever got into you, Tok?" I scold. The tangle of harnesses and dogs is massive. The gangline, which attaches to neck collars, is supposed to hold the team in a line. But the nylon line is so twisted that padded straps have slipped off shoulders and forelegs." - combine this with the paragraph before it shows the action and makes the previous lines near obsolete.
"Libby, Jonsey, Bingo, Socks, Dusty, Snowball, Tok." I am yelling mad as I spit out each name. "Tok! What got into you?" - is she mad at all of them?
I hold up a piece of the woven nylon for all the dogs to see. They feign innocence with steamy, pink tongues sending white puffs into the air. - great line!
As I start to walk down the incline toward the cabin, Shemya surprises me by running right in front of me. It is like he wants to block my path. He barks and barks. All the dogs bark, too. - combine this paragraph to flow better.
I have no weapon. - WHAT!Don't Alaskans carry guns everywhere? lol joking!
That gives me time enough to jump for a branch and pull myself up. My heart pounds as loudly as the beat of a caribou-skin drum. I know bears can climb trees, and this one will for sure, if Shemya fails to chase it away. - great line but here I'm wondering what happened to the team and why didn't they run?
Good chapter to forward the plot!
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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Good tension, nice description - especially of the bear breath! Now that you're on to your second novel, know that I'll be harder on you, but I never ever am trying to be mean, just being a ruthless editor so here are my thoughts:
I toss it and the rope into the sled basket.-no, no bad "it". I want to obliterate "it" and if you ever see me using "it" take a bat to my head. "it" is non-descriptive, useless word along with "thing". Re-word your sentence what ever you have to do, don't be lazy by using "it" in a sentence.
"Then Tok comes to a dead stop and the team skids into him. Whatever scent my inexperienced leader caught, it causes him to forget his job of keeping the lines taut. All of the dogs tumble into one another. I stomp on the brake in time to avoid ramming them with the sled." - could be worded to flow better.
"Whatever got into you, Tok?" I scold. The tangle of harnesses and dogs is massive. The gangline, which attaches to neck collars, is supposed to hold the team in a line. But the nylon line is so twisted that padded straps have slipped off shoulders and forelegs." - combine this with the paragraph before it shows the action and makes the previous lines near obsolete.
"Libby, Jonsey, Bingo, Socks, Dusty, Snowball, Tok." I am yelling mad as I spit out each name. "Tok! What got into you?" - is she mad at all of them?
I hold up a piece of the woven nylon for all the dogs to see. They feign innocence with steamy, pink tongues sending white puffs into the air. - great line!
As I start to walk down the incline toward the cabin, Shemya surprises me by running right in front of me. It is like he wants to block my path. He barks and barks. All the dogs bark, too. - combine this paragraph to flow better.
I have no weapon. - WHAT!Don't Alaskans carry guns everywhere? lol joking!
That gives me time enough to jump for a branch and pull myself up. My heart pounds as loudly as the beat of a caribou-skin drum. I know bears can climb trees, and this one will for sure, if Shemya fails to chase it away. - great line but here I'm wondering what happened to the team and why didn't they run?
Good chapter to forward the plot!
Comment Written 11-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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Thanks a million for your comments. I'll take another look at smoothing out these action shots.
Comment from stephonavich
Good tension, nice description - especially of the bear breath! Now that you're on to your second novel, know that I'll be harder on you, but I never ever am trying to be mean, just being a ruthless editor so here are my thoughts:
I toss it and the rope into the sled basket.-no, no bad "it". I want to obliterate "it" and if you ever see me using "it" take a bat to my head. "it" is non-descriptive, useless word along with "thing". Re-word your sentence what ever you have to do, don't be lazy by using "it" in a sentence.
"Then Tok comes to a dead stop and the team skids into him. Whatever scent my inexperienced leader caught, it causes him to forget his job of keeping the lines taut. All of the dogs tumble into one another. I stomp on the brake in time to avoid ramming them with the sled." - could be worded to flow better.
"Whatever got into you, Tok?" I scold. The tangle of harnesses and dogs is massive. The gangline, which attaches to neck collars, is supposed to hold the team in a line. But the nylon line is so twisted that padded straps have slipped off shoulders and forelegs." - combine this with the paragraph before it shows the action and makes the previous lines near obsolete.
"Libby, Jonsey, Bingo, Socks, Dusty, Snowball, Tok." I am yelling mad as I spit out each name. "Tok! What got into you?" - is she mad at all of them?
I hold up a piece of the woven nylon for all the dogs to see. They feign innocence with steamy, pink tongues sending white puffs into the air. - great line!
As I start to walk down the incline toward the cabin, Shemya surprises me by running right in front of me. It is like he wants to block my path. He barks and barks. All the dogs bark, too. - combine this paragraph to flow better.
I have no weapon. - WHAT!Don't Alaskans carry guns everywhere? lol joking!
That gives me time enough to jump for a branch and pull myself up. My heart pounds as loudly as the beat of a caribou-skin drum. I know bears can climb trees, and this one will for sure, if Shemya fails to chase it away. - great line but here I'm wondering what happened to the team and why didn't they run?
Good chapter to forward the plot!
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
|
Good tension, nice description - especially of the bear breath! Now that you're on to your second novel, know that I'll be harder on you, but I never ever am trying to be mean, just being a ruthless editor so here are my thoughts:
I toss it and the rope into the sled basket.-no, no bad "it". I want to obliterate "it" and if you ever see me using "it" take a bat to my head. "it" is non-descriptive, useless word along with "thing". Re-word your sentence what ever you have to do, don't be lazy by using "it" in a sentence.
"Then Tok comes to a dead stop and the team skids into him. Whatever scent my inexperienced leader caught, it causes him to forget his job of keeping the lines taut. All of the dogs tumble into one another. I stomp on the brake in time to avoid ramming them with the sled." - could be worded to flow better.
"Whatever got into you, Tok?" I scold. The tangle of harnesses and dogs is massive. The gangline, which attaches to neck collars, is supposed to hold the team in a line. But the nylon line is so twisted that padded straps have slipped off shoulders and forelegs." - combine this with the paragraph before it shows the action and makes the previous lines near obsolete.
"Libby, Jonsey, Bingo, Socks, Dusty, Snowball, Tok." I am yelling mad as I spit out each name. "Tok! What got into you?" - is she mad at all of them?
I hold up a piece of the woven nylon for all the dogs to see. They feign innocence with steamy, pink tongues sending white puffs into the air. - great line!
As I start to walk down the incline toward the cabin, Shemya surprises me by running right in front of me. It is like he wants to block my path. He barks and barks. All the dogs bark, too. - combine this paragraph to flow better.
I have no weapon. - WHAT!Don't Alaskans carry guns everywhere? lol joking!
That gives me time enough to jump for a branch and pull myself up. My heart pounds as loudly as the beat of a caribou-skin drum. I know bears can climb trees, and this one will for sure, if Shemya fails to chase it away. - great line but here I'm wondering what happened to the team and why didn't they run?
Good chapter to forward the plot!
Comment Written 11-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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Ooops. This came through twice. Thanks again, steponavich.
P.S. Your name makes me think of Mike Stepovich, the last Territorial Governor appointed by Pres. Eisenhower. They and family of 14 kids are all known to me. Are you related?
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Sorry 'bout that! My connection was "iffy". But, I am not related to Stephovich family. Wow, 14 kids?
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Very exciting. the kids will love this. I did.
With a snarl[,] Shemya bares his teeth.
"I'll never, ever leave you behind[,] Shemya," I confess to his deaf ears. "From now on, whether we ever win another race or not, you and Tok will [be] the lead."
Roberta
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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Very exciting. the kids will love this. I did.
With a snarl[,] Shemya bares his teeth.
"I'll never, ever leave you behind[,] Shemya," I confess to his deaf ears. "From now on, whether we ever win another race or not, you and Tok will [be] the lead."
Roberta
Comment Written 11-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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I so happy to hear your comments, Roberta. Thanks for catching these oversights!
