Performance Problems- My Life! LOL
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Chrysalis"A halarious adventure with misery, but always joy!
6 total reviews
Comment from IndianaIrish
Hi Mike. From your words, it seems like Jean was a sad little girl. When anything good happened ... like you ... that made her happy, she had to turn it around like she didn't deserve the happiness. What a horrible thing for a young girl to feel. But maybe it's my imagination, huh? I liked reading about your scouting adventures, too.
Indy :>)
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2010
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Hi Mike. From your words, it seems like Jean was a sad little girl. When anything good happened ... like you ... that made her happy, she had to turn it around like she didn't deserve the happiness. What a horrible thing for a young girl to feel. But maybe it's my imagination, huh? I liked reading about your scouting adventures, too.
Indy :>)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2010
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She did have a very ghost-like nature to her and I always wanted her to be happy. I haven't had thoughts like these in you review, but they do make sense to me. I thank you very much for stopping by and chiming in. Love this review, Mike
Comment from adewpearl
Sometimes I think you grew up in a different universe from me with sixth graders talking to each other about making love to each other in the future - I really have a hard time identifying with any of this because it is just so totally outside my experience - I realize that now in 2010 kids are far more sexually experienced and knowledgeable than I and my friends were, but I just had no idea kids were like that when you were growing up. I have this disconnect that happens.
I asked dad if he had been in the room - Dad
You do an excellent job of depicting the events in your life and explaining the emotions. Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2010
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Sometimes I think you grew up in a different universe from me with sixth graders talking to each other about making love to each other in the future - I really have a hard time identifying with any of this because it is just so totally outside my experience - I realize that now in 2010 kids are far more sexually experienced and knowledgeable than I and my friends were, but I just had no idea kids were like that when you were growing up. I have this disconnect that happens.
I asked dad if he had been in the room - Dad
You do an excellent job of depicting the events in your life and explaining the emotions. Brooke
Comment Written 22-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2010
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It's even worse today as with the TV shows, its not only ever present, but addapted within the child's realm. In this chapter it's one of the funny things, even with the dream of the last chapter, I still didn't really know what love was, just that I wanted it to be with her. In every other respect, we were sixth grade kids.
This was 1977, and there is no escaping the sexuality aspect in this and probably why I only gained confidence 15 years after the memories popped up. With each aspect of sexuality, there are the following considerations: 1) What happened? 2) Why did it happen? 3) How did I percieve it at the time? 4) What did it mean to me? 5) How will other people perceive this? 6) How do I want other people to perceive it. 7) How does everything relate to the over all picture and progression? 8) Plus the following consideration of, how do I relate this in both script and camera angle in a screen play? Not everything will be very flattering of me, but I can not be dishonest or make myself flattering as I believe the greater part of this work is to relay lessons learned and tried.
I love this review and thank you for it, the complints and corrections as well. Mike
Comment from chaswriter
Mike K2 - Interesting chapter with well-developed protagonist and good descriptive narrative.
Some detailed comments:
( )= suggested changes
The element of frustration was, I felt that we should have been closer, yet I was very happy to walk home with her. - awkward sentence. probably need to eliminate the first
comma
This day had to finally arrive and even before I made( it) into school, I was already heartbroken.
It was the last day of school(, )and I knew(: )I wouldn't be walking home with Jean after today. - colon works better here since 'knew' was being defined
Most of the day was having our autograph books signed(, )and I went around the class. - both comma and conjunction needed when combining two independent sentences
Hmmmm = Hmmm - believe it or not, the most accepted spelling is Hmmm
She smiled and picked it up and wrote, "It was nice having you in my class." On the next line, she wrote, "Your friend, Jean." - this should be its own paragraph.
She then handed hers to me(, )and I wrote exactly what she had written(: )"It was nice having you in my class." - no punctuation would have worked, too, but not a semicolon.
We walked very slowly(, )and after each few steps, we looked at the other.
She made a choking sound when I said, "I would like to get together over the summer if that is possible(, )but if there's anything you need, you can always come to my house and let me know."
Halfway through the rest of the walk home(, )I felt like a total idiot. - introductory phrases should be offset
Summer camp was a big deal(, )and I learned many valuable lessons.
My most stark memory( )was sitting out watching the scouts working on the Life Saving merit badge. - don't separate the subject from its verb with one comma
They had to rescue him(, )and one by one, I watched him drown my friends.
This is because a person half (your) size( )will have enough adrenaline in him to have my strength.
"Believe it or not, Kendal did the right thing and is the only one( )now signed off for the merit badge."
However, it spilled into my patrol and the patrol leader(. )Tim took to it also(, )and it wasn't so good natured.
About halfway through the week(, )it got to be too much(, )and I asked to go home.
I was the first to offer getting water, which turned out to be a half a day affair with the filled water jugs weighing forty pounds and had to be carried( )back from camp a mile away.
I asked dad if he had been in the room(, )and he replied, "I don't (go) into your room, because it pisses me off so much.
Mom told me to give her the negative(, )and she will have another print made.
We were walking at Parkville Middle School, when Dave told me, "I don't know why you would want to do anything with Jean, at least with her (pointing at her house), she'll let you put your arm around her and maybe get if kiss if she is in the mood. - don't use parentheses in fiction. I would write it like this: We were walking at Parkville Middle School, when Dave told me, "I don't know why you would want to do anything with Jean, at least with her." He pointed at her house. "She'll let you put your arm around her and maybe let you kiss her if she is in the mood."
I spent more time with Greg(, ) we fired off rockets(, )and I enjoyed his mom taking us to Beaver Damn, which was a swim club.
Hope this helps. Charlie
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
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Mike K2 - Interesting chapter with well-developed protagonist and good descriptive narrative.
Some detailed comments:
( )= suggested changes
The element of frustration was, I felt that we should have been closer, yet I was very happy to walk home with her. - awkward sentence. probably need to eliminate the first
comma
This day had to finally arrive and even before I made( it) into school, I was already heartbroken.
It was the last day of school(, )and I knew(: )I wouldn't be walking home with Jean after today. - colon works better here since 'knew' was being defined
Most of the day was having our autograph books signed(, )and I went around the class. - both comma and conjunction needed when combining two independent sentences
Hmmmm = Hmmm - believe it or not, the most accepted spelling is Hmmm
She smiled and picked it up and wrote, "It was nice having you in my class." On the next line, she wrote, "Your friend, Jean." - this should be its own paragraph.
She then handed hers to me(, )and I wrote exactly what she had written(: )"It was nice having you in my class." - no punctuation would have worked, too, but not a semicolon.
We walked very slowly(, )and after each few steps, we looked at the other.
She made a choking sound when I said, "I would like to get together over the summer if that is possible(, )but if there's anything you need, you can always come to my house and let me know."
Halfway through the rest of the walk home(, )I felt like a total idiot. - introductory phrases should be offset
Summer camp was a big deal(, )and I learned many valuable lessons.
My most stark memory( )was sitting out watching the scouts working on the Life Saving merit badge. - don't separate the subject from its verb with one comma
They had to rescue him(, )and one by one, I watched him drown my friends.
This is because a person half (your) size( )will have enough adrenaline in him to have my strength.
"Believe it or not, Kendal did the right thing and is the only one( )now signed off for the merit badge."
However, it spilled into my patrol and the patrol leader(. )Tim took to it also(, )and it wasn't so good natured.
About halfway through the week(, )it got to be too much(, )and I asked to go home.
I was the first to offer getting water, which turned out to be a half a day affair with the filled water jugs weighing forty pounds and had to be carried( )back from camp a mile away.
I asked dad if he had been in the room(, )and he replied, "I don't (go) into your room, because it pisses me off so much.
Mom told me to give her the negative(, )and she will have another print made.
We were walking at Parkville Middle School, when Dave told me, "I don't know why you would want to do anything with Jean, at least with her (pointing at her house), she'll let you put your arm around her and maybe get if kiss if she is in the mood. - don't use parentheses in fiction. I would write it like this: We were walking at Parkville Middle School, when Dave told me, "I don't know why you would want to do anything with Jean, at least with her." He pointed at her house. "She'll let you put your arm around her and maybe let you kiss her if she is in the mood."
I spent more time with Greg(, ) we fired off rockets(, )and I enjoyed his mom taking us to Beaver Damn, which was a swim club.
Hope this helps. Charlie
Comment Written 21-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
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Thank you very much for reviewing this, I have considered all of the proposed changes and made them. It was stressed in English class that it is no longer a practice to put a comma infront of any, "and." I feel that you made a valid point, but sometimes other members hold a differing view. Can't wait to see if this occurs in this case. I thank you very much for the help. Mike
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Mike - I have heard that from other readers about the comma before 'and.' But I go by the Chicago Manual of Style which many editors follow, and it says put that comma in when combining two independent sentences. Here is their rule 6.32:
When independent clauses are joined by and, but, or, so, yet, or any other conjunction, a comma usually precedes the conjunction. If the clauses are very short and closely connected, the comma may be omitted.
We bolted the door, but the intruder was already inside.
Everyone present was startled by the news, and one man fainted.
Do we want to preserve law and order, or are we interested only in our property?
The bus never came, so we took a taxi.
but
Timothy played the guitar and Betty sang.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi mike, you seem to have very good memory of your childhood. It was a good read, certain parts took me back to those days as well.
Check these:
It was Troop 112 and Tim, my older friend from down my street[,] was in the troop.
When I made it to Jean and asked her to sign mine, she looked [at] me and went,
I was made very sad by this and there were times that one of us wouldn't look back at the other. - a bit awkward. Try:
This made me very sad and there were times when we wouldn't look at one another.
she'll let you put your arm around her and maybe get [a] kiss if she is in the mood.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
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Hi mike, you seem to have very good memory of your childhood. It was a good read, certain parts took me back to those days as well.
Check these:
It was Troop 112 and Tim, my older friend from down my street[,] was in the troop.
When I made it to Jean and asked her to sign mine, she looked [at] me and went,
I was made very sad by this and there were times that one of us wouldn't look back at the other. - a bit awkward. Try:
This made me very sad and there were times when we wouldn't look at one another.
she'll let you put your arm around her and maybe get [a] kiss if she is in the mood.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2010
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I appreciate this review and thank you for it and the compliments. One facebook I was lauded for my memory and I had to laugh as I had lost these for about a ten year period, before they started popping back. I wrote them down in a bar system like the air traffic controlers use for two reasons. First to semblence them into some order and second, to disprove them, or at least the details. Boy! Was I surprised! What was strange about this, was that I felt that I just had a bunch of cute memories, but when read as a whole. This poor woman, was actually responsible for making me the person that I became.
I thank you very much for your compliments and this review. With love, Mike
Comment from jayesnb
I used to have a blast going on camping trips in the summertime..
Your Dad was right about the friend part too ..I liked that...
I couldnt help but smile when you hollered at Jean nd then she hollered back..
good job with this chapter..
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2010
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I used to have a blast going on camping trips in the summertime..
Your Dad was right about the friend part too ..I liked that...
I couldnt help but smile when you hollered at Jean nd then she hollered back..
good job with this chapter..
Comment Written 20-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2010
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I thank you very much for your review and the compliments. I am not only glad that you enjoyed this, but also got a lot out of it. Through this work, my father will switch between pro and antagonist, but his intent will always be there. Mike
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
SCHOOL DAYS - ENTERPRISES DARK WHITE SHADES!
I liked this biographical non-fiction.
It has balanced and natural flow all over.
I enjoyed the memoirs put in highly organised patterned, logical and rational progression of points of view, sound expressiveness to the causal events, slices of older days of living, message well captured in crafted fictional order, intense coverage of finer aspects within a framework of glossy introduction and conclusive conclusion with remarks. It was a pleasant memoir in black and white read.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2010
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SCHOOL DAYS - ENTERPRISES DARK WHITE SHADES!
I liked this biographical non-fiction.
It has balanced and natural flow all over.
I enjoyed the memoirs put in highly organised patterned, logical and rational progression of points of view, sound expressiveness to the causal events, slices of older days of living, message well captured in crafted fictional order, intense coverage of finer aspects within a framework of glossy introduction and conclusive conclusion with remarks. It was a pleasant memoir in black and white read.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2010
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This review made my head so big that I had to pop it to come down from the ceiling. Dark white shades that were sharpended by mischevious boys! Thank you very much for this complimentive review. Mike
