A Rhapsody of Rap
talkin' trash51 total reviews
Comment from The Guardian
This is clever and funny, this back and forth banter between the sexes. But the theme meanders and doesn't seem to follow some natural progression. I think it might be interesting if the banter reached a crescendo in conflict, and then found a resolve, a coming together of minds. That way, the reader sees a thread between the two independent thoughts. Make sense?
I would be glad to read again should you make any edits.
Best,
Merle
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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This is clever and funny, this back and forth banter between the sexes. But the theme meanders and doesn't seem to follow some natural progression. I think it might be interesting if the banter reached a crescendo in conflict, and then found a resolve, a coming together of minds. That way, the reader sees a thread between the two independent thoughts. Make sense?
I would be glad to read again should you make any edits.
Best,
Merle
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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I understand. Perhaps U are right. But I did think I was progressing towards an end.
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Certainly there is an end. But the progression is unclear. Imagine a play that never progresses to a crescendo in the drama, never resolves to a final end. It might feel to the reader/viewer that there is unfinished business, that there are unfinished questions and business. Make sense?
Comment from Begin Again
Victor
Your duck reminded me of the Aflac duck...always ranting...
I enjoyed the back and forth of your poem and the way you had it set up. Great job!
Carol
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Victor
Your duck reminded me of the Aflac duck...always ranting...
I enjoyed the back and forth of your poem and the way you had it set up. Great job!
Carol
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Thank U my dear.
Comment from foxtale
voompa voompa vit
I read all of it.
Left to right
somethin tight
sometimes right was left
and rite bereft.
Man this is hard.
Good time reading it, and getting the rap rhythm.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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voompa voompa vit
I read all of it.
Left to right
somethin tight
sometimes right was left
and rite bereft.
Man this is hard.
Good time reading it, and getting the rap rhythm.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Ha! I like ur little ditty. Thanks for the review.
Comment from AlvinTEthington
Rap is an extremely difficult form to write. But there has to be a connecting thread for the poem/song to be a connected whole. This poem meanders from line to line. It, at least in my opinion, needs a stronger flow, so the listener/hearer has a sense of progression. You do rhyme quite well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Rap is an extremely difficult form to write. But there has to be a connecting thread for the poem/song to be a connected whole. This poem meanders from line to line. It, at least in my opinion, needs a stronger flow, so the listener/hearer has a sense of progression. You do rhyme quite well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Thank U.
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You're welcome.
Comment from jrsimms29
I really like the formatting as a guide for the eye, especially in the last two lines, where you break up the line "gonna take my pound of flesh".
It does sound like a rap and would be very effective read aloud. I think the rhythm does get a little repetitive, so I might change it up a bit, but otherwise very good.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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I really like the formatting as a guide for the eye, especially in the last two lines, where you break up the line "gonna take my pound of flesh".
It does sound like a rap and would be very effective read aloud. I think the rhythm does get a little repetitive, so I might change it up a bit, but otherwise very good.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Thank U. U think this is repetitive? Does rap ever do anything but repeat?
Comment from fictionwriter
What a cute little poem. I found this really cool the tort and retort. The back and forth was really funny. Really nicely done. Great job.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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What a cute little poem. I found this really cool the tort and retort. The back and forth was really funny. Really nicely done. Great job.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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I thank U. Glad U enjoyed.
Comment from Charlene0513
To victortouche,
A poem more on the mo-town or "rap" fashion.
"Gonna Make me Do It" would of been a good title.
It rhymed freely and was consistant.
Charlene
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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To victortouche,
A poem more on the mo-town or "rap" fashion.
"Gonna Make me Do It" would of been a good title.
It rhymed freely and was consistant.
Charlene
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Thank U. Just some dude tellin me he's gonna take my date. Yea, sure.
Comment from RebelRose
I'll bet this was fun to write ... it was fun to read.
A lot different from what I have been reviewing all day but a welcome change.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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I'll bet this was fun to write ... it was fun to read.
A lot different from what I have been reviewing all day but a welcome change.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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And, I thank U.
Comment from mbroyles2
I enjoyed your poem.
It was a fun read.
The rhyming structure was dynamite.
The words were easy to follow.
No need for a dictionary.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Michael
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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I enjoyed your poem.
It was a fun read.
The rhyming structure was dynamite.
The words were easy to follow.
No need for a dictionary.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Michael
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Thanks. I appreciate it.
Comment from rhymer1
Now that I read what I guess is typical rap for the first time I realize what has seemed so deficient about it: it is a glorification of forced rhymes. Ugh. But, taking that as a given, your forced rhymes are as good as any. Slainte, rhymer1
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Now that I read what I guess is typical rap for the first time I realize what has seemed so deficient about it: it is a glorification of forced rhymes. Ugh. But, taking that as a given, your forced rhymes are as good as any. Slainte, rhymer1
Comment Written 15-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Thanks for keeping an open mind. I'm not really a fan of rap. But I thought, "if they can, I can".
