Performance Problems- My Life! LOL
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Red Dotted, Green Hands..."A halarious adventure with misery, but always joy!
8 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
I think you could use fewer words in the part about changing the red dot to a green hand - you say some of the same things twice.
Have I missed some chapters and some years of your life, or did you just grow up in a way way more sophisticated place than I did? What grade is this with boys talking about having sex with a girl and half the class fucking her? I thought this was about sixth grade when nothing like that was going on around me.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2010
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I think you could use fewer words in the part about changing the red dot to a green hand - you say some of the same things twice.
Have I missed some chapters and some years of your life, or did you just grow up in a way way more sophisticated place than I did? What grade is this with boys talking about having sex with a girl and half the class fucking her? I thought this was about sixth grade when nothing like that was going on around me.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2010
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With the posting scheme for a book, missing chapters is possible. I did reword the green hand chapter so that hopefully, it will read a bit better. More sophisticated, her? I doubt that very much as I do believe that people from Pennsylvania are better raised on the whole. Nicer too. I do know that Altuna has its problems.
I think that enters the vocabulary from older brothers and friends. In fact, I just about passed out when, at a family camping trip a six year old girl called my attention to two six inch long insects and said, "My brother calls this F-ing" Needless to say, I chided her and susbituted the word procreation, which was translated into making babies. I handled the nature portion very well mentioning that they lay eggs and even found a casing set on a leaf. Then she asked if that is how people do it. Before I had an answer to that gem, she asked three more that were even more sensitive. I told her that I couldn't help her out and made a pouty face and she yelled for all to hear, "You're still a virgin Mr. Mike." Now that one really hurt at age 30. I sent her off to her mother, making me wish that I had my camera handy for that Norman Rockwell moment. The two insects, an enthusiastic girl and the concentrated look of the mother trying to figure out what to say.
I thank you very much for the compliments and this review. Mike
Comment from HalfHoff
I think Jean was pleased with you too. This is another enchanting chapter of your growing up. Just remember to space before and after your epileths (them three little dot thingies) Lea Ann
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2010
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I think Jean was pleased with you too. This is another enchanting chapter of your growing up. Just remember to space before and after your epileths (them three little dot thingies) Lea Ann
Comment Written 14-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2010
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Yes um! I'll try not to be an epilethic. I thank you very much for your compliments and htis review. Mike
Comment from IndianaIrish
Hi ya Mike! The first and second paragraphs are almost a repeat, so maybe get rid of the repetition and make it just one paragraph?
Now, I know I'm a girl, but aren't a boy's/man's balls and scrotum the same thing?? (I know it's a God, but you don't need to capitalize scrotum. LOL)
I think you're doing lots better with "that", but there's still plenty you can delete and still have the sentence make sense.
I honestly hoped that(delete that) she wasn't so naive that (instead of that, make it "to") think that(delete that) carrying
I hate bullies ... how did Jean get rid of the doofus??
Indy :>)
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Hi ya Mike! The first and second paragraphs are almost a repeat, so maybe get rid of the repetition and make it just one paragraph?
Now, I know I'm a girl, but aren't a boy's/man's balls and scrotum the same thing?? (I know it's a God, but you don't need to capitalize scrotum. LOL)
I think you're doing lots better with "that", but there's still plenty you can delete and still have the sentence make sense.
I honestly hoped that(delete that) she wasn't so naive that (instead of that, make it "to") think that(delete that) carrying
I hate bullies ... how did Jean get rid of the doofus??
Indy :>)
Comment Written 14-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010
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Scrotums and balls, yes and no, while they can be considered visualized together, there is also the sack and testicles. Jean never told me how she fixed things, but my guess was she either told her parents, his parents or most likely, told Doug to leave her alone or she'd get her brother to beat him up. Hell, you'll find out later how her gentle nudge cracked three of my ribs. I am getting site greif over thats' and doing my best to fix things.
Thank you very much for your corrections, compliments, comentary and this review. Mike K2
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello Mike K2,
You have the basic framework for a pretty good story here, but it needs a lot of adjustments. First off, you use the word "that" way too often. Usually, it can be eliminated without damaging the structure of most sentences. Your opening line uses "that" when it should really use the word "who" instead. Another overworked word is "I". It's repetitive use at the start of so many sentences and clauses makes the body of your story sound almost like a list.
There are several other areas throughout which need smoothing. For instance, the opening sentence to the last paragraph should read "...so naive to think carrying..." Again, way too much use of the word "that" as well as a plain old-fashioned typo.
Have someone else read over the manuscript, or simply read it aloud to yourself. Many of the errors will jump out at you.
Please, do not take this critique personally. As I stated earlier, the story has merit and potential. It just needs some TLC.
Ray
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Hello Mike K2,
You have the basic framework for a pretty good story here, but it needs a lot of adjustments. First off, you use the word "that" way too often. Usually, it can be eliminated without damaging the structure of most sentences. Your opening line uses "that" when it should really use the word "who" instead. Another overworked word is "I". It's repetitive use at the start of so many sentences and clauses makes the body of your story sound almost like a list.
There are several other areas throughout which need smoothing. For instance, the opening sentence to the last paragraph should read "...so naive to think carrying..." Again, way too much use of the word "that" as well as a plain old-fashioned typo.
Have someone else read over the manuscript, or simply read it aloud to yourself. Many of the errors will jump out at you.
Please, do not take this critique personally. As I stated earlier, the story has merit and potential. It just needs some TLC.
Ray
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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is why it is posted here, for people to read and make specific suggestions. In the morning, I will go over this and reevalute this chapter. Removing the thats' has been a complaint, but when I look on a case by case basis, I haven't found it excessive and when I remove them, the sentence looses sense. while I do take each review personally, I don't believe in getting personal over suggestions. I consider all of them. Thank you for reviewing this and offering suggestions. Mike
Comment from RaymondJohn
saying that the program is new and improved./This year, it was a bigger deal than normal, because the changed programs. Different words, but repetitive.
I like the story, but the narrative is rough and uneven. Usually the best way to tell is to read it aloud. You have good tension and I do want to find out what happens next. Best wishes. Ray.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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saying that the program is new and improved./This year, it was a bigger deal than normal, because the changed programs. Different words, but repetitive.
I like the story, but the narrative is rough and uneven. Usually the best way to tell is to read it aloud. You have good tension and I do want to find out what happens next. Best wishes. Ray.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Thank you for reviewing this and I will look at the piece tomorrow and consider the suggestions. Mike
Comment from jmdg1954
Colorful....
Descriptive full of life...
I was able to interelate with the charectors, placing myself in there place...
I may go back and read previous chapters...
John
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Colorful....
Descriptive full of life...
I was able to interelate with the charectors, placing myself in there place...
I may go back and read previous chapters...
John
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Thank you very much for the compliments and this review. Mike
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
PEDAGOGICAL INSTRUCTIONAL INTERPERSONAL INTRAMURAL NON-TECHNICAL GENERAL!
This chapter is equally interesting and appealing for a series of dilemmas put forth in chronological phases become a passionate personalised read for a relative discovery of performance panoramic point of view as flown at par with the plot of the storyline coverage.
I enjoyed the experimental narrative organised thoughts calibrated in a cohesive outline steeped by typical characterization to fit in with formalized in tune with dialogues practically inserted.
It was enjoyable pleasant transforming read.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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PEDAGOGICAL INSTRUCTIONAL INTERPERSONAL INTRAMURAL NON-TECHNICAL GENERAL!
This chapter is equally interesting and appealing for a series of dilemmas put forth in chronological phases become a passionate personalised read for a relative discovery of performance panoramic point of view as flown at par with the plot of the storyline coverage.
I enjoyed the experimental narrative organised thoughts calibrated in a cohesive outline steeped by typical characterization to fit in with formalized in tune with dialogues practically inserted.
It was enjoyable pleasant transforming read.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Yea, how to get into trouble, exploring storm drains. It does have a Huck Finn-ish type quality to it. What an interesting review! That's the strange thing to me as well, but lucky-stance, that the memories progressed along side the dilemas and forced changes in thinking with me.
This review tells me a lot and I thank you very much for it. It would be a great thing to have people that follow this to the conclusion. Sincerely, Mike
Comment from Border Reiver
This is the only chapter of this book that I've read for the time being. At first I didn't enjoy it, thinking it wasn't my style and I didn't like it's flow (at the beginning). Having read the whole chapter I warmed to it towards the end. You're character certainly is a hypocrite, calling Jean naive when that could describe him.
Your opening sentence doesn't make any sense:
About every month, the teachers reminded the students that walk; about the houses with a red dot sign in the window.(Are there some words missing there?)
The following sentence: This year, it was a bigger deal than normal, because the changed programs.(Should it be because OF the changed programs?).
That's what I've picked up on, hopefully someone else will be able to offer more help.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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This is the only chapter of this book that I've read for the time being. At first I didn't enjoy it, thinking it wasn't my style and I didn't like it's flow (at the beginning). Having read the whole chapter I warmed to it towards the end. You're character certainly is a hypocrite, calling Jean naive when that could describe him.
Your opening sentence doesn't make any sense:
About every month, the teachers reminded the students that walk; about the houses with a red dot sign in the window.(Are there some words missing there?)
The following sentence: This year, it was a bigger deal than normal, because the changed programs.(Should it be because OF the changed programs?).
That's what I've picked up on, hopefully someone else will be able to offer more help.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Tough critic! Perhaps, I will reogranize the opening sentance better to let the reader know about the red dot signs. Thank you for reviewing this, MIke
