The Weird Kid
A silly story with one syllable words70 total reviews
Comment from Rogue Rider
Well, I think you succeeded in the silly part, and nice work using just one-syllable words. That takes some thought.
Here are some additional comments:
He was born big and calm, when the sun has just left the sky (use "had" instead of "has" to match verb tense?)
The air dabbed his tears, "Come here, sad lad." He would say in a sigh. (what should the punctuation be here - and who is the "He" that is speaking?)
"Fresh wind, too, it makes me swing (period or semi-colon after "too"?)
The sage grass cut it: (cut in?)
"Too loud in here, can a fish swim (period or semi-colon?)
The white swan looked down to all of them (looked down on?)
A fleet of ants rushed by in their way (on their way?)
and took it all in a stride (took it all in stride?)
He liked to bask, in the same warm spot (no comma)
asked a red hair dame. (red-haired?)
Beth had a jolt. Bell Joy was her. (what does this mean - and in the next paragraph, "She" jolts - who is "she"?)
They were, much more than met the eye (no comma)
Thanks for your story.
Rogue Rider
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
   |
Well, I think you succeeded in the silly part, and nice work using just one-syllable words. That takes some thought.
Here are some additional comments:
He was born big and calm, when the sun has just left the sky (use "had" instead of "has" to match verb tense?)
The air dabbed his tears, "Come here, sad lad." He would say in a sigh. (what should the punctuation be here - and who is the "He" that is speaking?)
"Fresh wind, too, it makes me swing (period or semi-colon after "too"?)
The sage grass cut it: (cut in?)
"Too loud in here, can a fish swim (period or semi-colon?)
The white swan looked down to all of them (looked down on?)
A fleet of ants rushed by in their way (on their way?)
and took it all in a stride (took it all in stride?)
He liked to bask, in the same warm spot (no comma)
asked a red hair dame. (red-haired?)
Beth had a jolt. Bell Joy was her. (what does this mean - and in the next paragraph, "She" jolts - who is "she"?)
They were, much more than met the eye (no comma)
Thanks for your story.
Rogue Rider
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
-
I am thankful for the great interest in this writing. You took a lot of time to correct this and I am fully aware. I checked it over and I corrected according to the suggestions. I hope I got it all. I truly admire your attention to this wanna be writer.
Comment from redrider6612
This was pretty good. I imagine it is quite challenging to write a story with only one syllable words.
Suggestions:
if I [make] up a tale--"made"
when the sun [has] just left the sky--"had"
His mom liked to rhyme[.] His genes
The air dabbed his tears, "Come here, sad lad." He would say in a sigh.--who said this? why is it joined to the first part?
a red cap on his head[,] he would run
"Too loud in here[.] (C)an a fish swim in peace?"
looked down [to] all of them--"on"
A fleet of ants rushed by [in] their way to lunch.--"on"
He liked to bask[,] in the same warm spot each day.
waited on gals--"waited" is 2 syllables
with the white hair said[,] as she picked
with the tray full of tea cups[,] could write just one verse
I know the contest calls for a silly story, but I think even silly stories have to make some sort of sense. This didn't really make much sense, had no plot, gave nothing for the reader to care about.
I hope you will keep working at it. Best wishes in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
|
This was pretty good. I imagine it is quite challenging to write a story with only one syllable words.
Suggestions:
if I [make] up a tale--"made"
when the sun [has] just left the sky--"had"
His mom liked to rhyme[.] His genes
The air dabbed his tears, "Come here, sad lad." He would say in a sigh.--who said this? why is it joined to the first part?
a red cap on his head[,] he would run
"Too loud in here[.] (C)an a fish swim in peace?"
looked down [to] all of them--"on"
A fleet of ants rushed by [in] their way to lunch.--"on"
He liked to bask[,] in the same warm spot each day.
waited on gals--"waited" is 2 syllables
with the white hair said[,] as she picked
with the tray full of tea cups[,] could write just one verse
I know the contest calls for a silly story, but I think even silly stories have to make some sort of sense. This didn't really make much sense, had no plot, gave nothing for the reader to care about.
I hope you will keep working at it. Best wishes in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for the great review and comments to this work.
Comment from KC Frantzen
Wow.
Surely this was much harder than you made it appear.
Fabulous turns of phrases here - would be a super picture book! Hope you'll go for it!
There were several, but my FAVE line was your first.
superb!!
Neat art choice as well!
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
|
Wow.
Surely this was much harder than you made it appear.
Fabulous turns of phrases here - would be a super picture book! Hope you'll go for it!
There were several, but my FAVE line was your first.
superb!!
Neat art choice as well!
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review this work. I really fell in love with these characters. I didn't want to let it go. Silly, isn't?
-
Nope
that's why I said it should be a picture book.
Seriously! Keep at it and see what happens.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Amada...I must confess..you succeeded. This story is base silly. I could not even keep track of what the hell you were talking about. One syllable what? I'm sorry, i just don't get it...so yeah, it's worth the five you completed the task for sure...Bob :)
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
|
Hi, Amada...I must confess..you succeeded. This story is base silly. I could not even keep track of what the hell you were talking about. One syllable what? I'm sorry, i just don't get it...so yeah, it's worth the five you completed the task for sure...Bob :)
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
I was hoping you read it and comment in it. To be silly was my idea so i guess I succedded. Thank you so much for stopping by.
Comment from ZigzagMLT
A most excellent tale. I think I laughed at the mention of that famous book. Very well done. Silly, touching, and well written, and lots of fun.
Good luck with the contest.
Thanks,
Zigzagmlt
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
|
A most excellent tale. I think I laughed at the mention of that famous book. Very well done. Silly, touching, and well written, and lots of fun.
Good luck with the contest.
Thanks,
Zigzagmlt
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
Thank you for commenting and for the best wishes.
Comment from RaymondJohn
Great story. I like the simple rather than comp9ound words, and you have a delightful rhyme and meter here. It's been a while since I've read you, but its a delight to hear your voice again. Ray.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
|
Great story. I like the simple rather than comp9ound words, and you have a delightful rhyme and meter here. It's been a while since I've read you, but its a delight to hear your voice again. Ray.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
I thank you for your great words of inspiration for my writing. 'It's a delight to hear your voice again." This, will make a couple of my days.
Comment from Rama Rao
Excellent. I can't believe it is a silly story.
I liked the way you described the happenings at the pond. Especially the fish asking "can a fish swim in peace?"
The ending was equally superb.
They were, much more than met the eye.
Wish you good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
|
Excellent. I can't believe it is a silly story.
I liked the way you described the happenings at the pond. Especially the fish asking "can a fish swim in peace?"
The ending was equally superb.
They were, much more than met the eye.
Wish you good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
Thank you Ramarao for reading and commenting in this effort of mine.
Comment from Ann Smith
I can appreciate the effort it took to write a story using just one syllable words. My brain wanted a rest and was hoping somewhere in there were some words with a couple of syllables. I didn't find one, so that means you did great. This is such a lovely story for children and has so many visual and sensory words. I liked the ending and coming full cirle with Ralph being just fine and the parents being okay too. You are right everyone has skeletons in the closet. Very nice.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
|
I can appreciate the effort it took to write a story using just one syllable words. My brain wanted a rest and was hoping somewhere in there were some words with a couple of syllables. I didn't find one, so that means you did great. This is such a lovely story for children and has so many visual and sensory words. I liked the ending and coming full cirle with Ralph being just fine and the parents being okay too. You are right everyone has skeletons in the closet. Very nice.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
I truly appreciate the deep review to this silly work. I like that you notice the note of optimism in the last lines. No one is perfect!
Comment from Trybuck
It can not be true, I sat here and read the whole thing. Did not miss a word, nope not one. I did it all, and I must say "I was real glad when it came to an end."
Some of the writing prompts they come up with....
Well done, Buck
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
 |
It can not be true, I sat here and read the whole thing. Did not miss a word, nope not one. I did it all, and I must say "I was real glad when it came to an end."
Some of the writing prompts they come up with....
Well done, Buck
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
This review made my day..."Some of the writing prompts they come up with...' Are we going mad?
Comment from fictionwriter
Well that really was a silly story. I wasn't sure that I understood it all, but there were a couple of things to fix. Other than that, good work.
brings pests amd(and) bugs!"
so high that(she) lost her right
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
|
Well that really was a silly story. I wasn't sure that I understood it all, but there were a couple of things to fix. Other than that, good work.
brings pests amd(and) bugs!"
so high that(she) lost her right
Comment Written 10-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010
-
Thank you, fictionwriter!
