The Weird Kid
A silly story with one syllable words70 total reviews
Comment from chaswriter
amada - Yes, it is a silly story with silly situations and silly characters. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
Two suggestions:
The air dabbed his tears(. )"Come here, sad lad," he would say in a sigh.
They were, much more than met the eye(, )just like all of us. - semicolon doesn't work here.
Charlie
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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amada - Yes, it is a silly story with silly situations and silly characters. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
Two suggestions:
The air dabbed his tears(. )"Come here, sad lad," he would say in a sigh.
They were, much more than met the eye(, )just like all of us. - semicolon doesn't work here.
Charlie
Comment Written 12-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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Thank for for catching those errors! Done. I apprecuate your best wishes.
Comment from MizKat
Amanda - You managed the silly part of this very well. It was well written and a good read. I wish you the best in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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Amanda - You managed the silly part of this very well. It was well written and a good read. I wish you the best in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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Thank you MizKat for stopping by and read this silly story.
Comment from ladybird
This silly tale was very cleverly done. Although silly, it made a wierd sort of sense. It must be very hard to come uo with one syllable words and sting them together.Well done, and good uck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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This silly tale was very cleverly done. Although silly, it made a wierd sort of sense. It must be very hard to come uo with one syllable words and sting them together.Well done, and good uck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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Thank you for reading this story and for the best wishes.
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You're welcome.
Comment from BJean
You wrote a silly little story with lots of life's grievances and then gave it a nice fairy tale ending that indeed can still happen. Good job. Love, Jean
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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You wrote a silly little story with lots of life's grievances and then gave it a nice fairy tale ending that indeed can still happen. Good job. Love, Jean
Comment Written 12-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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Thank you Jean for reading and for the Love. Blessings go back to you.
Comment from hletto2
I enjoyed the story and it was definitely silly. For some reason, I felt a need for it to rhyme (like a Dr. Seuss story book) and kept trying to capture a rhythm as well. But when I would remind my head this was not a poem, and focus back on the story, I truly enjoyed the witty-isms!
:)
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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I enjoyed the story and it was definitely silly. For some reason, I felt a need for it to rhyme (like a Dr. Seuss story book) and kept trying to capture a rhythm as well. But when I would remind my head this was not a poem, and focus back on the story, I truly enjoyed the witty-isms!
:)
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2010
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Hi new member of fanstory. Welcome to the club. Thank you for reading and commenting in this silly work.
Comment from jayhawk67
This is a sweet story aimed at kids who can read it without asking for definitions. It offers the reader a lesson as to just whom will be affected by one's work.
Good job.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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This is a sweet story aimed at kids who can read it without asking for definitions. It offers the reader a lesson as to just whom will be affected by one's work.
Good job.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Thank you jayhawk67 for reviewing and commenting in my work.
Comment from Tomoso
Nice one!
This is a weird story about a weird kid. Weirdly,it works. It is a silly story but must have been difficult to write the way you restricted yourself to one syllable. I found it creative and deserves credit.
Well done
Good luck
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Nice one!
This is a weird story about a weird kid. Weirdly,it works. It is a silly story but must have been difficult to write the way you restricted yourself to one syllable. I found it creative and deserves credit.
Well done
Good luck
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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I so appreciate that you stopped to read and comment in this silly story.
Comment from Joei
You are quite clever to tell a whimsical story with the rules of restriction. Even with the simplified language you are successful in making it amusing. It was fun to read.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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You are quite clever to tell a whimsical story with the rules of restriction. Even with the simplified language you are successful in making it amusing. It was fun to read.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Thank you Joes for taking the time to read and comment in this silly story.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi amada,
Amusing, fun ending, and succinct, this certainly meets the instruction for a "silly story". Silly maybe, but it certainly conveys the dreams we all share.
Patrick
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Hi amada,
Amusing, fun ending, and succinct, this certainly meets the instruction for a "silly story". Silly maybe, but it certainly conveys the dreams we all share.
Patrick
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Thank you Patrick for stopping to read such a silly story. I truly appreciate your kindness.
Comment from DrCarter2001
Good attempt at the contest entry; it's not easy writing with all 1-syllable words, is it? (I imagine even harder when English is not your native language). I have a few suggestions and things to point out to you.
First, the story is about Ralph. I like the idea that he is the product of an alcoholic and a poet, and how that mixture might produce an unusual child. Unfortunately, we don't get to see much of Ralph. After the initial introduction, all we see are the animals talking to him (with very little reaction from him other than when he claps and laughs at the frog). He is sad because no one else is like him, but there's no opportunity for him to find someone else, no quest, no real chance for him to solve his own problem. Then the rest of the story is about his mother. She writes a book and suddenly everything is right in Ralph's world. If the story is about his mother, then it should focus on his mother. If it's about Ralph, then more of the story should center on him and what HE does to solve his own problems. If Ralph's problems are all fixed by other people, it sends the wrong message to kids (that others can fix all their problems).
Another, smaller point: "At five, he talked back to them." - who is "them"? His father left, so it would just be his mother... Also, I'm a little bothered by the idea that his father returns, but there's no mention about whether or not he's still alcoholic; again, I worry about the idea of telling kids that just because Mom writes a story, Dad will suddenly change and not be alcoholic/abusive, setting these kids up for failure. I would suggest focusing on Ralph, writing from his perspective, and leading the reader through his adventures, giving him the chance to sort things out for himself and really letting us see who he is. Good luck!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Good attempt at the contest entry; it's not easy writing with all 1-syllable words, is it? (I imagine even harder when English is not your native language). I have a few suggestions and things to point out to you.
First, the story is about Ralph. I like the idea that he is the product of an alcoholic and a poet, and how that mixture might produce an unusual child. Unfortunately, we don't get to see much of Ralph. After the initial introduction, all we see are the animals talking to him (with very little reaction from him other than when he claps and laughs at the frog). He is sad because no one else is like him, but there's no opportunity for him to find someone else, no quest, no real chance for him to solve his own problem. Then the rest of the story is about his mother. She writes a book and suddenly everything is right in Ralph's world. If the story is about his mother, then it should focus on his mother. If it's about Ralph, then more of the story should center on him and what HE does to solve his own problems. If Ralph's problems are all fixed by other people, it sends the wrong message to kids (that others can fix all their problems).
Another, smaller point: "At five, he talked back to them." - who is "them"? His father left, so it would just be his mother... Also, I'm a little bothered by the idea that his father returns, but there's no mention about whether or not he's still alcoholic; again, I worry about the idea of telling kids that just because Mom writes a story, Dad will suddenly change and not be alcoholic/abusive, setting these kids up for failure. I would suggest focusing on Ralph, writing from his perspective, and leading the reader through his adventures, giving him the chance to sort things out for himself and really letting us see who he is. Good luck!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2010
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Hi DrCarter2001. I thank you for taking the time to write an extensive review to this work. I agree with your statements. I need a rewrite, when I become a better writer. I read one of your postings for inspiration. Wonderful writing. I hope to reacch that level someday.
