Comment from Mike K2

Excellent

I found it the most sublime of sexual content, until one's imagination becomes involved. Well, this is not only a well written and fanciful poem, but one that is true if you change the situation in it.

There are many deaths such a person can find. Tiger comes to mind, priests and people around children are another.

Very well written and crafted into a somewhat humorous, yet profoundly true poem that evokes the emotions.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

Comment from Jersey Dreamer

Excellent

Hi Yelena,
This is some obituary, lucky guy to pass away smiling,
Maybe the stress of knowing he was such a wanted man was just too much for him.
It was such a joy to read your lovely poem, thank you so much x
Kind regards
Carl
Jersey Dreamer

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

Comment from Granny Gluk

Good

Great poem that is well written.

1."When angels called, he joined them with a song" omit the "a" it ruins the flow 2."Newspaper busy(,)columns sang him praise
reflecting on his charitable days." 3."(Replete delete it ruins the flow)with sprawling fields and softest hay 4. "The waiting widow - had(got use was) stood up and hissed" 5. "He turned dead white, his heart gave way and done." lost the rhythm of the poem

With a few correction to the flow of the poem this will be a definite must read poem.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 10-Jan-2010

Granny Gluk,

I appreciate your suggestions. But, with the exceptions of the ones where I needed a comma, if I did what you advised, it would ruin the iambic pentameter with which the poem was written.

Iambic pentameter is a metric structure of 10 syllables per line and 5 metric feet, beginning with unstressed, followed by the stressed syllable. You must have heard "duh-DUM, duh-DUM, duh-DUM".

None of your suggestions, if applied, would preserve the pentameter; so I want to thank you very much, for the feedback but I cannot utilize them.

Love and hugs, Y.

P.S. I changed the "newspaper busy column" to "newspapers' busy columns". I didn't really want a comma there, as you suggested, as it would alter the meaning.

Comment from Mastery

Excellent

Although really quite long for an obit, it sure is humorous enough. I liked the trail leading up to his demise, yeltel. Good luck in the contest. Well written...Bob

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

Comment from Kingmb

Excellent

Very well done. I enjoyed the clever rhyming while you humorously created a portrayal of the life of this man. Best of luck in the contest

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

Comment from Trybuck

Excellent

An absolute unique creation
Of Mr. Sanford's deportation
From the scene of everyday living
Now unable to be one so giving

Hope it does well for you in the contest, good one, Buck

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

Comment from Adri7enne

Excellent

Great read for a Sunday morning, yeltel! LOL! You cracked me up! I think I met that sucker! LOL!
A real fun read. God, I love a good laugh!
One suggestion, which you can choose to ignore:
"His disappearance MADE the folks appalled."
HAD the folks appalled"

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

Comment from dragonpoet

Excellent

This is a fun poem with easy rhymes which tells the story of the two sides of some people. The side they show to the public and their private life.

It is ironic that he died in bed and was missed by those he supposedly hurt.

I see no errors.

Good luck and keep writing

dragonpoet

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

Comment from anabellapongasi

Excellent

Hi Yelena,
I enjoyed reading this quite long obituary. It made me chuckle. The jolly fellow and his story seemed so real.You did a very good job with this piece, nice rhymes and rhythm, and good humor. Best wishes in the contest.
Anabella

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010

Comment from Jeanie Mercer

Excellent

Ah, the rest of the fine story told in the obituary could be really interesting. Honest obituaries would be refreshing, and those who know the deceased could supply them if they wanted to. Best wishes to you, Jeanie Mercer

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2010