Blind Trust
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Lainie"A woman is stalked by a fan
17 total reviews
Comment from MyYiaYia
Even not being familiar with the series, you would want to describe Ella and everyone else for that matter, who are in the previous books. As you say, it is a stand alone book and it can't do that without knowing who the MC are. Take 'Nancy Drew' books. She is always described, although in varying ways, in each of her books. Hope I didn't butt in where I wasn't needed. The following are the things I noticed, but may not be anything to you. Debbie :0)
-She's the first Seeing Eye dog they've ever trained - this threw me off a bit. I think because the 'they' you were referring to was talked about in the paragraph prior to this one. You may want to clarify who 'they' are.-
-Anyway, what do you have in mind?- In the story, she didn't mention anything to make this sentence relevant. It may be better said as 'Anyway, what's on your mind?'-
-Delicate eyebrows raised, she glanced from Lainie to her twin and back - In this one, it stopped me completely. You know that is a book killer when that happens. I wasn't sure if Lanie was the twin or Terry. I had to go back and reread. This can be easily fixed in one of 2 ways. FIrst:
Lainie saw Ella(,and her twin, Terry,) in the lounge [delete - with Terry,] or in the sentence above - she glanced from (her twin, Terry, to) Lainie (delete - to her twin) and back
-Sounds crazy(,) not to mention personal." -
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2010
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Even not being familiar with the series, you would want to describe Ella and everyone else for that matter, who are in the previous books. As you say, it is a stand alone book and it can't do that without knowing who the MC are. Take 'Nancy Drew' books. She is always described, although in varying ways, in each of her books. Hope I didn't butt in where I wasn't needed. The following are the things I noticed, but may not be anything to you. Debbie :0)
-She's the first Seeing Eye dog they've ever trained - this threw me off a bit. I think because the 'they' you were referring to was talked about in the paragraph prior to this one. You may want to clarify who 'they' are.-
-Anyway, what do you have in mind?- In the story, she didn't mention anything to make this sentence relevant. It may be better said as 'Anyway, what's on your mind?'-
-Delicate eyebrows raised, she glanced from Lainie to her twin and back - In this one, it stopped me completely. You know that is a book killer when that happens. I wasn't sure if Lanie was the twin or Terry. I had to go back and reread. This can be easily fixed in one of 2 ways. FIrst:
Lainie saw Ella(,and her twin, Terry,) in the lounge [delete - with Terry,] or in the sentence above - she glanced from (her twin, Terry, to) Lainie (delete - to her twin) and back
-Sounds crazy(,) not to mention personal." -
Comment Written 25-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2010
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Oh Debbie, I feel so bad about this. See, there's been so much of this book re-edited, I don't even think this is in here.
I'm going to send you the ms...I'm still final editing and dang it, I might as well take advantage of all this great help.
Oh, what fun, just what I needed.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Sounds good to me. I have to tell you though, I am not good with punctuation, maybe just comma's. LOL Debbie. I guess if I am going to read it anyway, may as well try to help. Deb
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
You can repeat Ella's decor like crazy without using the same words every time. [Posters is posters] for the love of Mike. And if it reinforces a recall, great.
Okay, Lainie is non-plussed and the rest are curious as well as interested.
You do present another's problem in a sympathetic way.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Lady Gayle,
You can repeat Ella's decor like crazy without using the same words every time. [Posters is posters] for the love of Mike. And if it reinforces a recall, great.
Okay, Lainie is non-plussed and the rest are curious as well as interested.
You do present another's problem in a sympathetic way.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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LOL, I suppose that's true. I really like that place, so I like to talk about it!
So good to see you reading through. It is the best way, isn't it, instead of small little bites!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Okay, no I think you need to repeat all that information. I read thousands of detective series, oh okay, maybe just hundreds, but they always refresh the old readers and re-introduce characters. Janet Evanovitch will have Stephanie Plum introduce herself and her friends every book in some silly way. It's important to do so. Besides, we all read tons here and we are for the most part getting up in years,a nd forget anyway. reminders are nice.
In the beginning of this chapter there is only dialogue and no action, maybe doodling on a pad, or an indication they are speaking on the ophone or in person.
Lainie pulled into the lot and parked next to a spectacular red, 12-cylinder, '94 Jaguar XJS convertible. She chuckled at the latest incarnation of the classic sports car that still gave Terry heart palpitations, even after all these years.(Is this you? LOL)
a glass of (P)inot Grigio
She's scared to death(,) and God knows(,) I don't blame her, but I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore."
it's better (-that) she stays inside
(I put 'that' in my dialogue all the time, but apparently, it is read better without it. or so I'm told, and I think it actually does sound better without it.)
lots of hugs
book
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Okay, no I think you need to repeat all that information. I read thousands of detective series, oh okay, maybe just hundreds, but they always refresh the old readers and re-introduce characters. Janet Evanovitch will have Stephanie Plum introduce herself and her friends every book in some silly way. It's important to do so. Besides, we all read tons here and we are for the most part getting up in years,a nd forget anyway. reminders are nice.
In the beginning of this chapter there is only dialogue and no action, maybe doodling on a pad, or an indication they are speaking on the ophone or in person.
Lainie pulled into the lot and parked next to a spectacular red, 12-cylinder, '94 Jaguar XJS convertible. She chuckled at the latest incarnation of the classic sports car that still gave Terry heart palpitations, even after all these years.(Is this you? LOL)
a glass of (P)inot Grigio
She's scared to death(,) and God knows(,) I don't blame her, but I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore."
it's better (-that) she stays inside
(I put 'that' in my dialogue all the time, but apparently, it is read better without it. or so I'm told, and I think it actually does sound better without it.)
lots of hugs
book
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2010
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Hi Heidi, yes, that's my Angel. Man, she needs a new paint job and the leather seats, good grief, not to mention the engine. No, do NOT mention the engine. Deep sigh.
So the 'P' is caps, huh? Chit. Well, I'll fix that, for sure!
You know how I HATE commas! But I agree they're needed there. Same with the 'that' although now I have to throw in an 'if' which I don't like much better than the 'that'!!
Oy! Thanks for the review and input, my friend. It was much needed.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Gayle, this is just super. I love how you're showing us Lainie's distress over the situation and her love for her friend. Some of these characters need to be reintroduced, but only as they pertain to this story. As for the rest, rely on your gut feelings. You have great instincts.
I didn't notice any spag.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
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Gayle, this is just super. I love how you're showing us Lainie's distress over the situation and her love for her friend. Some of these characters need to be reintroduced, but only as they pertain to this story. As for the rest, rely on your gut feelings. You have great instincts.
I didn't notice any spag.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 04-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
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Hey Renie,
Thanks for the great review and comments. I figured I'd just slip little things in from time to time rather than unload a "the way we were" chapter.
How's everything your way? Great here!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Sounds like a great idea to me.
Comment from Readywriter52
The story brings out Cathy grief about losing Suzi. It describes how concern her friends are about her. None of them seems to think that stealing Suzie was logical. They think Cathy might be in danger.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
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The story brings out Cathy grief about losing Suzi. It describes how concern her friends are about her. None of them seems to think that stealing Suzie was logical. They think Cathy might be in danger.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
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Thanks for the great review, Ready, and for stopping by to read. Your input is appreciated.
Gayle
Comment from shelley kaye
i'm baaack ;)
another great chapter
no spaggies or typos noticed
yes, i think it'd be good to repeat what ella's looks like (i'd actually forgotten about the posters lol) and i can't remember gracie and stevie :-P
other than that, good addition
thanx for sharing!
shelley :)
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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i'm baaack ;)
another great chapter
no spaggies or typos noticed
yes, i think it'd be good to repeat what ella's looks like (i'd actually forgotten about the posters lol) and i can't remember gracie and stevie :-P
other than that, good addition
thanx for sharing!
shelley :)
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hey little Cali gurl! Well, as one who's read'em all, I'll go with your ideas. Yes, I'll go into detail. It's coming up. Let me see, Gracie and Stevie, that would be Lethal Intent, on page 77 lol!
.."Hanging alone as befitting their stature in the world of classic rockers, two life-sized posters graced the wall, one on either side of the door leading to the dining room; two women held center stage.
One, an adolescent princess; Stevie Nicks twirled around on impossible platform shoes, veils floating, light blonde hair streaming out behind her, leaning into Lindsay Buckingham.
The other, the queen, whip-thin and dazzling with all that dark hair blowing around her face. Grace Slick smiled into the camera. "One pill makes you largerâ?¦one pill makes you small."
Thanks so much for stopping by, my friend!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Look at what that EE did! He infested me, swine EE!
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what'd he do? didn't see anything.... poor little eddy.... ;-)
Comment from Connie P
Very nice continuation. You develop much more about Lainie without diverting from the plot of the story. This chapter bridges well, I look forward to the next.
Connie
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Very nice continuation. You develop much more about Lainie without diverting from the plot of the story. This chapter bridges well, I look forward to the next.
Connie
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi Connie,
I'm finally getting all the players on the table. Last one comes out today!
Hope to see you again soon,
Best,
Gayle
Comment from Diny
Hi there!- Well really if you have already discribed th place the phrase ...into the inviting world that was ELLA's.
would suffice. I did like the discriptions but you could delete it all untill where lainee saw the twins in the lounge... Your choice works both ways...
From someone who is not familar with the entire story you peek an interest and your mystery is really a hook for a page turner... From one who is familar with blindness and how people get along- long story- friends and all and went to a blind museum exhibit- I know blind people are much more independant than what you are portraying here...
but your writing ids tight- the one place I had questions about after a re-read was fine- because speechtags confused me and i wasn't sure who was talking sometimes but got it now- Scene begining at the table three people not every statment needs one of course- Your readers will get it- good job and I am amazed at your progress.
Write on-Diny
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi there!- Well really if you have already discribed th place the phrase ...into the inviting world that was ELLA's.
would suffice. I did like the discriptions but you could delete it all untill where lainee saw the twins in the lounge... Your choice works both ways...
From someone who is not familar with the entire story you peek an interest and your mystery is really a hook for a page turner... From one who is familar with blindness and how people get along- long story- friends and all and went to a blind museum exhibit- I know blind people are much more independant than what you are portraying here...
but your writing ids tight- the one place I had questions about after a re-read was fine- because speechtags confused me and i wasn't sure who was talking sometimes but got it now- Scene begining at the table three people not every statment needs one of course- Your readers will get it- good job and I am amazed at your progress.
Write on-Diny
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi Diny,
Good grief, it's been ages! How's it going for you?
Well, this is thefifth in the series and each time, I try to describe something a bit different about ELLA's without making too big a deal out of it. I've got a great scene coming up where the singer is performing and the lights are low ... all those posters ... I think it's a good visual, but it's down the road a ways yet.
Her, girl, so good to see you this morning. Stop by again soon!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from joelh605
Well, if your whole audience is past readers then yes do omit the descriptions of ELLAs, Gracie / Steven, etc.
On the other hand, if you like new eyes... [smirk]
More worry-wart minutiae (below)
Joel
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Between the microchip and the web search Cathy has going through the foundation that trained Suzi, I can't imagine how they'd ever even be able to take her to a vet.
Unless the vet is in some distant country; smuggling a dog out wouldn't be that hard, either, from Del Mar.
I need to hire some kind of live-in security or bodyguard to watch out for Cathy now that I'm staying at Hank's so much. I feel guilty about leaving her alone so much,
Lainie is repeating phrases, e.g. "so much" ...
Draining her glass, she held it up to Al.
Telescoping the action? - or are you putting Al at tableside, listening in, because he's an important actor in the book?
Lainie shook her head and raised her suddenly empty glass to Al.
Whoa! does Lainie need a designated driver? :)
Lainie continued, her words only slightly slurred. "You know I love Cathy like a sister.
Have to go back and re-read - I thought Cathy and Lainie were sisters
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Well, if your whole audience is past readers then yes do omit the descriptions of ELLAs, Gracie / Steven, etc.
On the other hand, if you like new eyes... [smirk]
More worry-wart minutiae (below)
Joel
=-=-=
Between the microchip and the web search Cathy has going through the foundation that trained Suzi, I can't imagine how they'd ever even be able to take her to a vet.
Unless the vet is in some distant country; smuggling a dog out wouldn't be that hard, either, from Del Mar.
I need to hire some kind of live-in security or bodyguard to watch out for Cathy now that I'm staying at Hank's so much. I feel guilty about leaving her alone so much,
Lainie is repeating phrases, e.g. "so much" ...
Draining her glass, she held it up to Al.
Telescoping the action? - or are you putting Al at tableside, listening in, because he's an important actor in the book?
Lainie shook her head and raised her suddenly empty glass to Al.
Whoa! does Lainie need a designated driver? :)
Lainie continued, her words only slightly slurred. "You know I love Cathy like a sister.
Have to go back and re-read - I thought Cathy and Lainie were sisters
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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All these girls! Well, Lainie and Cathy are lifelong friends; Terry and Ella are twins. Lainie will be going home in a taxi, lol.
Excellent edit tips, Joel. Will implement immediately. Thanks so much for helping me out here! Hope to see you again soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
I am so glad you brought Terry and Ella into the picture, and also Ella's restaurant. These books stand alone. No one needs to read the previous book to understand this one. On that basis, I'd say you should repeat all you want, including Gracie and Stevie.
I like the way this plot is turning. The way Suzi disappeared makes me think that Cathy is the real target. OW, it doesn't make much sense, just as your characters realize.
I enjoyed this read and have one suggestion:
"I feel guilty about leaving her alone {so much},..." You've just said "so much," and you don't need it here.
Dave
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Gayle,
I am so glad you brought Terry and Ella into the picture, and also Ella's restaurant. These books stand alone. No one needs to read the previous book to understand this one. On that basis, I'd say you should repeat all you want, including Gracie and Stevie.
I like the way this plot is turning. The way Suzi disappeared makes me think that Cathy is the real target. OW, it doesn't make much sense, just as your characters realize.
I enjoyed this read and have one suggestion:
"I feel guilty about leaving her alone {so much},..." You've just said "so much," and you don't need it here.
Dave
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Oh, Dave, I'm so glad you came back! I was hoping to hear your answer and yes, that's what I'll do. I get to feeling redundant sometimes but in the real world, as you said, no one is sure to read them in order! Ah, yes, the advice of old friends.
And I'll get that 'so much' out of there. So far, I've been making the edits on the ms unless they're typos. But rest assured, I will make the changes suggested!
Thanks and hugs,
Gayle
