Blind Trust
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Suzi"A woman is stalked by a fan
18 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
This will probably be published by the time I finish reading it! :)
Interesting goings-on here. I'm not sure what to expect. How did someone manage to sneak Suzi away, and also, how long had the 'thief' been following? My one comment is, is Javier arrived so quickly, was she still close to the apts? You may want to drag that out a bit, so it seems more likely that no one had seen Suzi's abductor.
Other than that, this is rolling along. I have some comments below, see what you think:
The Lab did a little jig in place
want your run, little girl."
(watch the double 'little' here, so close together.)
Take sounds. It wasn't that things got louder. On the contrary, things one didn't ordinarily hear were quite audible to her.
Another was an awareness of people in the room with her, of feeling their presence. The strangest, at least to her, was her heightened sense of smell.
(This segment is a bit stiff to me. You've got some 'was'/'were' issues here, and then the 'her's really stand out. Look to adjust to smooth out.)
The sweet, familiar aroma of soaps and perfumes smelled different, (smelled different, how? Then they originally did when she could see? Or if you just meant 'unique on each person' just kick the 'smelled different' part.) unique on each person and she recognized the regulars in her daily life from several yards away.
Thomas Jackson opened the huge door for her, greeting her by name. (need 'for her'?)
The distant toot of a car horn and an occasional bark were the only other sounds she heard that morning. (look to rephrase, the 'were the only sounds she heard' is a bit telling, maybe. How about. The distant toot of a car horn and the occasional bark disrupted the otherwise silent morning...' Or something along those lines. This one I might just be being too picky. Your call!)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
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reply by the author on 19-Jan-2010
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Hi Gayle,
This will probably be published by the time I finish reading it! :)
Interesting goings-on here. I'm not sure what to expect. How did someone manage to sneak Suzi away, and also, how long had the 'thief' been following? My one comment is, is Javier arrived so quickly, was she still close to the apts? You may want to drag that out a bit, so it seems more likely that no one had seen Suzi's abductor.
Other than that, this is rolling along. I have some comments below, see what you think:
The Lab did a little jig in place
want your run, little girl."
(watch the double 'little' here, so close together.)
Take sounds. It wasn't that things got louder. On the contrary, things one didn't ordinarily hear were quite audible to her.
Another was an awareness of people in the room with her, of feeling their presence. The strangest, at least to her, was her heightened sense of smell.
(This segment is a bit stiff to me. You've got some 'was'/'were' issues here, and then the 'her's really stand out. Look to adjust to smooth out.)
The sweet, familiar aroma of soaps and perfumes smelled different, (smelled different, how? Then they originally did when she could see? Or if you just meant 'unique on each person' just kick the 'smelled different' part.) unique on each person and she recognized the regulars in her daily life from several yards away.
Thomas Jackson opened the huge door for her, greeting her by name. (need 'for her'?)
The distant toot of a car horn and an occasional bark were the only other sounds she heard that morning. (look to rephrase, the 'were the only sounds she heard' is a bit telling, maybe. How about. The distant toot of a car horn and the occasional bark disrupted the otherwise silent morning...' Or something along those lines. This one I might just be being too picky. Your call!)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2010
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Hey Sissy,
So good to see you again,
Great ideas and you know how I do that. I'll copy this out and fix the ms.
Hope all is well with you! We're doing the backstroke here! And it's cold, too. High of 54? What's with that?
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Naturally, the dog had to have a certain amount of trust about nearby strangers.
Naturally, a blind person, upwind, would not notice another person quietly waiting nearby, either.
It is also amazing how much of our sight, especially night vision, adults have lost by the time we are only in our thirties.
Another interesting read,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Lady Gayle,
Naturally, the dog had to have a certain amount of trust about nearby strangers.
Naturally, a blind person, upwind, would not notice another person quietly waiting nearby, either.
It is also amazing how much of our sight, especially night vision, adults have lost by the time we are only in our thirties.
Another interesting read,
Fantasist
Comment Written 13-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2010
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Hey again, Wayne,
Yes, the dogs need to be able to deal with strangers in their job. Yes, my night vision is terrible, which is why I don't drive at night unless I know where I'm going with very well.
Hey, thanks for the R&R.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from William Walz
This book is coming along so fast and furious I've got the sneaking suspicion you've already finished it. I'm trying to keep up, but already getting behind. In any case, for what it's worth...
No real changes to suggest, just some ideas for you to play around with and see what you think...
It was a morning like every other...The morning began like every other....
Each had a particular place in her wardrobe; it never varied...Each had a particular place in her meticulously constructed environment;it never varied...
She shed what she wore,...She shed her pajamas...or..She got out of her pajamas...
licking Cathy's cheek several times in rapid succession...just...licking Cathy's cheek several times...
Over the years since she lost her sight,...Since she lost her sight,...
Cathy noticed distinct changes in her body...how about...Cathy noticed distinct changes in her ability to interact with the world...
Food smells clung to some, particularly oranges...Food smells clung to some, for some odd reason particularly the scent of oranges...
The sweet, familiar aroma of soaps and perfumes smelled different, unique on each person and she recognized the regulars in her daily life from several yards away...The sweet, familiar aroma of soaps and perfumes had become a signature of every person she encountered, allowing her to recognize those known to her from several yards away...
"Ms. Abbott," a familiar voice called, drawing closer to Cathy's side. "It's Javier. I'm going to take your arm. Are you okay?"...After what seemed an eternity, a familiar voice called to her, drawing close to Cathy's side. "It's Javier, Ms. Abbott. I'm going to take your arm. Are you okay?"...
Just a few of my own notions for you to consider. I like the way the mystery is unfolding. You're doing a great job in capturing the plight of the blind. At first I thought this chapter might actually be better placed as the opening, but now I'm getting a better feel for the way you're developing the story, and appreciate the way you are telling it. I am really looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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This book is coming along so fast and furious I've got the sneaking suspicion you've already finished it. I'm trying to keep up, but already getting behind. In any case, for what it's worth...
No real changes to suggest, just some ideas for you to play around with and see what you think...
It was a morning like every other...The morning began like every other....
Each had a particular place in her wardrobe; it never varied...Each had a particular place in her meticulously constructed environment;it never varied...
She shed what she wore,...She shed her pajamas...or..She got out of her pajamas...
licking Cathy's cheek several times in rapid succession...just...licking Cathy's cheek several times...
Over the years since she lost her sight,...Since she lost her sight,...
Cathy noticed distinct changes in her body...how about...Cathy noticed distinct changes in her ability to interact with the world...
Food smells clung to some, particularly oranges...Food smells clung to some, for some odd reason particularly the scent of oranges...
The sweet, familiar aroma of soaps and perfumes smelled different, unique on each person and she recognized the regulars in her daily life from several yards away...The sweet, familiar aroma of soaps and perfumes had become a signature of every person she encountered, allowing her to recognize those known to her from several yards away...
"Ms. Abbott," a familiar voice called, drawing closer to Cathy's side. "It's Javier. I'm going to take your arm. Are you okay?"...After what seemed an eternity, a familiar voice called to her, drawing close to Cathy's side. "It's Javier, Ms. Abbott. I'm going to take your arm. Are you okay?"...
Just a few of my own notions for you to consider. I like the way the mystery is unfolding. You're doing a great job in capturing the plight of the blind. At first I thought this chapter might actually be better placed as the opening, but now I'm getting a better feel for the way you're developing the story, and appreciate the way you are telling it. I am really looking forward to more.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2010
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Hey Bill,
Check out your emails! LOL!
Okay, great suggestions. I'll utilize them, count on it. Yes, this book is about half written as I'm submitting. With the contest and all I'm going to get really busy, so I'm getting as many chapters out as I can and then I'll be slowing down.
Gosh, so good to chat with you again! I miss you!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from joelh605
The worry wart comes out (notes, below).
Clear chapter, good drama.
Joel
=-=-=
Instead, the door opened at her touch. She halted, the hairs on the back of her neck rising, and listened a moment. Suzi whined again, beginning to dance in anticipation.
Curious - why doesn't Suzi indicate she smells something out of the ordinary?
Can you please send someone to get me right away? I think I might be turned around and I don't want to move."
If her senses are so attuned, doesn't the sound of the surf give her almost perfect sense of where she's pointed? Just asking,...
"I'll stay on the phone with you, Ms. Abbott. Javier is on the way across the street as I speak...."
"Ms. Abbott,"
Yet she's a mile or so down the beach... How did Javier get there so quickly?
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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The worry wart comes out (notes, below).
Clear chapter, good drama.
Joel
=-=-=
Instead, the door opened at her touch. She halted, the hairs on the back of her neck rising, and listened a moment. Suzi whined again, beginning to dance in anticipation.
Curious - why doesn't Suzi indicate she smells something out of the ordinary?
Can you please send someone to get me right away? I think I might be turned around and I don't want to move."
If her senses are so attuned, doesn't the sound of the surf give her almost perfect sense of where she's pointed? Just asking,...
"I'll stay on the phone with you, Ms. Abbott. Javier is on the way across the street as I speak...."
"Ms. Abbott,"
Yet she's a mile or so down the beach... How did Javier get there so quickly?
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Hi Joel,
The door is just a red herring! I wanted to start the action off before they got to the beach.
Okay, Cathy and Suzi are just approaching the street where they turn to to to the condo. I suppose she should, after all those years, be able to get home, but I wanted to show her dependence on the dog, too.
Thanks so much for the great review, Joel. I'll get to editing as soon as I finish all the reviews.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from shelley kaye
wanna get the 1 member dollar lol
didn't find any spaggies or typos
but i still think this chapter should be first
and the first chapter should be second
(hopefully that made sense lol)
thanx for sharing!
shelley :)
p.s. just printed out ch 3&4 (i like pretending it's an actual book lol :-P
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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wanna get the 1 member dollar lol
didn't find any spaggies or typos
but i still think this chapter should be first
and the first chapter should be second
(hopefully that made sense lol)
thanx for sharing!
shelley :)
p.s. just printed out ch 3&4 (i like pretending it's an actual book lol :-P
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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It will be one day! Hey my little Cali gurl. Glad you liked this one. And I agree, I prefer reading paper. I'll never be a Kindle gal!
Thanks for the great review!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from rwilliam
"one form of darkness exchanged itself for another." This is sooo good!
I remember now why I love your work. You do such a great job of letting my mind see your story. I LOVE that!:-)
"I think might be turned around and I don't want to move." An editing catch here: " I think (I) might be..."
Excellent chapter. I am anxiously awaiting what comes next. Great work!
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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"one form of darkness exchanged itself for another." This is sooo good!
I remember now why I love your work. You do such a great job of letting my mind see your story. I LOVE that!:-)
"I think might be turned around and I don't want to move." An editing catch here: " I think (I) might be..."
Excellent chapter. I am anxiously awaiting what comes next. Great work!
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hey William,
What a wonderful review. I can't tell you how good it makes me feel when I hear things like that.
Daggonit, I thought I got that extra "I" in there. Will catch right now.
Thanks and so good to see you again<
Gayle
Comment from Readywriter52
While Cathy was on a walk someone grabbed Suzi. That is cruel and vile. She depends on Suzi for companionship and to get around. I hope they find the creep.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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While Cathy was on a walk someone grabbed Suzi. That is cruel and vile. She depends on Suzi for companionship and to get around. I hope they find the creep.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hi again. Yes, can you imagine stealing a guide dog? Some stuff is lower than low.
So good to see you again and I hope you hang in there. Two more coming out today!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from ZeBestBlonde1
showtimebook,
hello again to you. Well, chapter to is moving your story along very well.
I like your leading character, Cathy-she's smart, strong, perceptive and much more-and then she's more in tune with her blindness that gives her an edge-this is always the case with a blind person and you write it well.
This chapter moved your story along, but I'm not sure if Cathy came across as strong in the end. Still, I give you a 5 because it's deserving of that. When her dog disappeared, Cathy's thoughts on this seemed a little weak.
Also, that scene ended pretty fast-if this had actually happened-shouldn't more have been done? That was my thought when I read it.
Also, when Cathy calls the place she lives, they speak, then you have Cathy's dialogue-I think a word is missing there, but I did understand what she was saying.
I like this story, look forward to reading and learning more about her. Some areas you introduced suspense and did this well also.
Great story!
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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showtimebook,
hello again to you. Well, chapter to is moving your story along very well.
I like your leading character, Cathy-she's smart, strong, perceptive and much more-and then she's more in tune with her blindness that gives her an edge-this is always the case with a blind person and you write it well.
This chapter moved your story along, but I'm not sure if Cathy came across as strong in the end. Still, I give you a 5 because it's deserving of that. When her dog disappeared, Cathy's thoughts on this seemed a little weak.
Also, that scene ended pretty fast-if this had actually happened-shouldn't more have been done? That was my thought when I read it.
Also, when Cathy calls the place she lives, they speak, then you have Cathy's dialogue-I think a word is missing there, but I did understand what she was saying.
I like this story, look forward to reading and learning more about her. Some areas you introduced suspense and did this well also.
Great story!
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hello again!
I'm glad the story is interesting you enough to continue reading and I most appreciate your input on the character development. This is the kind of review I crave. I'll try to give you a thumb although I tried to give one yesterday and it didn't go through.
Again, thank you for your fine review.
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Honestly, I think this may be a better as chapter one.
I think (I) might be turned around and I don't want to move."
This looks like it will be another fun book t read.
Looking forward to another chapter
hugs
book
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Honestly, I think this may be a better as chapter one.
I think (I) might be turned around and I don't want to move."
This looks like it will be another fun book t read.
Looking forward to another chapter
hugs
book
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hi Heidi,
This story started off in a different direction from what I planned almost from the get-go. I may do some major off-site tweaking, but I'll ship you over the 'new beginning' if I do that.
Have a great day,
Hugs,
Gayle
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Very cool. I miss this FS stuff. I hope to pick up new people this year. I didn't put out a book last year,a nd I think that is what attracts fans more than stories. People love to get more and follow a book I guess. Thanks again
hugs
Heidi
Comment from fictionwriter
That would be a horrible feeling. Not being able to see what happened, and knowing that someone knew your habits and had been obviously watching. Great writing.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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That would be a horrible feeling. Not being able to see what happened, and knowing that someone knew your habits and had been obviously watching. Great writing.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Oh, I so agree. Can you imagine what being blind must be like? And to have some stinker steal your only line to the real world and independence? Grrr!
Thanks so much for coming back, for the great review, and for your encouraging words.
Gayle
