A Christmas Conscience
1614 words20 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This lady really does hate to cook. I can't imagine anyone allowing the maid to call the shots. This was a good story about life in the south. The part about the chicken without the head running around in the yard made me laugh. I've seen the headless chickens jumping around many times but I wonder how many people realize chickens do that. I enjoyed this story. It seems a bit different from your usual writing.
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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This lady really does hate to cook. I can't imagine anyone allowing the maid to call the shots. This was a good story about life in the south. The part about the chicken without the head running around in the yard made me laugh. I've seen the headless chickens jumping around many times but I wonder how many people realize chickens do that. I enjoyed this story. It seems a bit different from your usual writing.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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I felt like doing something light-hearted, as this is for my grand-nephews. The maid in the household in which I grew up would get her way by hiding things from my mother and making my mother promise to do or not to do something; only then she would reveal to my mother where the item was! Thanks for a great review.
Comment from lola29
Alvin, this is a wonderful story, and a great contest entry which undoubtedly will do well. It pays to have friends in a seat of power.
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Alvin, this is a wonderful story, and a great contest entry which undoubtedly will do well. It pays to have friends in a seat of power.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Thanks for a great review; I truly appreciate it and your continued loyalty. Is there anything especially of yours you would like me to review? I know I am quite behind in my reviewing.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Al...I wrote a review of your story and hit a wrong key and zapped it. I am in Texas spending Christmas with my oldest son and his family. I am having a lot of trouble getting use to his lap tap. Anyway I do like your story and didn't read any thing that qualifies as violent. I was glad the ending was uplifting. Well done and good luck in the contest...chey
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Hi Al...I wrote a review of your story and hit a wrong key and zapped it. I am in Texas spending Christmas with my oldest son and his family. I am having a lot of trouble getting use to his lap tap. Anyway I do like your story and didn't read any thing that qualifies as violent. I was glad the ending was uplifting. Well done and good luck in the contest...chey
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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It was the killing of the chicken. Do you think I should take the violence warning off? Thanks for a great review.
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I would take it off..the killing of the chicken is just a small part of the story...chey
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Thanks for your response. I'll sleep on it and decide what to do about it after Mass tomorrow; my inclination is to think you are right, though. I did not it there at first.
Comment from patmedium
Lovely...why call this a children's story? It's a well crafted lesson to all of us on the important values in life!... nicely done and a good read. Pat
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Lovely...why call this a children's story? It's a well crafted lesson to all of us on the important values in life!... nicely done and a good read. Pat
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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It was originally written with my grand-nephews in mind. I tried to keep the vocabulary simple. Yes, I agree that the moral is important to us all (Don't you just love Emma?) Thanks for a great review.
Comment from dmjones
A really good contest entry. Strong characters where their personality shows through.
This sentence I like because it tells us a lot about Tommy's dad in one simple sentence--Dad said that God left when Mom died.
This is just a suggestion and I'm only putting it down because it out of the whole story this one section struck me as having too many 'Tommys' starting here: "He thought Tommy was asleep, but Tommy watched..." and contining to the end of the paragraph--you do need the two Tommys here as the pronoun would be vague but I wondered about the rest of the paragraph. This could only be me.
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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A really good contest entry. Strong characters where their personality shows through.
This sentence I like because it tells us a lot about Tommy's dad in one simple sentence--Dad said that God left when Mom died.
This is just a suggestion and I'm only putting it down because it out of the whole story this one section struck me as having too many 'Tommys' starting here: "He thought Tommy was asleep, but Tommy watched..." and contining to the end of the paragraph--you do need the two Tommys here as the pronoun would be vague but I wondered about the rest of the paragraph. This could only be me.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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You were right; I replaced the first Tommy with his son. That works much better. I want this to be a Christmastide gift for my grand-nephews, so I want it to be right. Thanks for a great review and your detailed eye.
Comment from adewpearl
I love the power Auntie wields in this relationship - I guess the fear of losing such a valued cook and nanny is enough to make even the self-absorbed rich tow the line. LOL It's also good to see that perhaps one side benefit of their absence is that their autocratic attitudes have not been passed down to their naturally friendly and kind son. It is pleasant to contemplate how their new relationship with their employee and his son might change them just a tad :-) A heartwarming story, Al. Brooke
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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I love the power Auntie wields in this relationship - I guess the fear of losing such a valued cook and nanny is enough to make even the self-absorbed rich tow the line. LOL It's also good to see that perhaps one side benefit of their absence is that their autocratic attitudes have not been passed down to their naturally friendly and kind son. It is pleasant to contemplate how their new relationship with their employee and his son might change them just a tad :-) A heartwarming story, Al. Brooke
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Thanks for a great review. I am sending this as a gift to my grand-nephews, so I wanted it to be quite right. Thanks again.
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Thanks for a great review. I am sending this as a gift to my grand-nephews, so I wanted it to be quite right. Thanks again.
Comment from Colin Douglas
Oh, the dialogue in this is wonderful! It really brings out Timmy's dominating, arrogant, ADD character.
The opening could use a little work, but the rest of it ended up overriding any problems that that had and the overall effect was excellent.
Details:
"Only a minute later, there was this huge dog..." Change to "...there was a huge dog..."
"Did this kid want to know if I was all right or not?" This should be in present tense as the boy is thinking it. Same with "It must have been eleven o'clock,"
""Morgana! Morgana! Where are you?" Tommy could hear another boy's voice." It took a minute to determine which boy said this. Either put "Tommy could hear...voice." Before the quote or put "...shouted another boy's voice."
"Hey, Tommyboy! Where are you? You all right or not?" "Where are you?" doesn't make sense. He's right there in front of him.
"Who on earth is this, um, urchin?" "Earth" should be capitalized.
"Not a big a one as you do if I quit, Mrs. Evans." "Not AS big a one..."
"A look for pure horror crept across Timmy's mother's face." "A look of..."
"She took Timmy by the hand and led him back to where Mrs. Evans and Timmy were." "Mrs. Evans and Tommy."
On that last note, I think you'd be better off changing one of the names. They're just too similar and it becomes confusing.
Thank you for sharing.
Colin
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Oh, the dialogue in this is wonderful! It really brings out Timmy's dominating, arrogant, ADD character.
The opening could use a little work, but the rest of it ended up overriding any problems that that had and the overall effect was excellent.
Details:
"Only a minute later, there was this huge dog..." Change to "...there was a huge dog..."
"Did this kid want to know if I was all right or not?" This should be in present tense as the boy is thinking it. Same with "It must have been eleven o'clock,"
""Morgana! Morgana! Where are you?" Tommy could hear another boy's voice." It took a minute to determine which boy said this. Either put "Tommy could hear...voice." Before the quote or put "...shouted another boy's voice."
"Hey, Tommyboy! Where are you? You all right or not?" "Where are you?" doesn't make sense. He's right there in front of him.
"Who on earth is this, um, urchin?" "Earth" should be capitalized.
"Not a big a one as you do if I quit, Mrs. Evans." "Not AS big a one..."
"A look for pure horror crept across Timmy's mother's face." "A look of..."
"She took Timmy by the hand and led him back to where Mrs. Evans and Timmy were." "Mrs. Evans and Tommy."
On that last note, I think you'd be better off changing one of the names. They're just too similar and it becomes confusing.
Thank you for sharing.
Colin
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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I looked at all the places you mentioned and made some changes. Thanks for a very detailed review.
Comment from babylonia
sounds like auntie must have something very important over these two. LOL nicely done. made me smile. there is a santa. LOL easy to read and follow. spaggies.
Tommy watched his father cut off the head off(of) the chicken
What(Why) do you do to have to do that
imagery is excellent.
good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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sounds like auntie must have something very important over these two. LOL nicely done. made me smile. there is a santa. LOL easy to read and follow. spaggies.
Tommy watched his father cut off the head off(of) the chicken
What(Why) do you do to have to do that
imagery is excellent.
good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Thanks for those two corrections. I am sending this off as a Christmastide gift to my grand-nephews, so I want this to be as correct as possible. I made a slightly different correction than your second suggestion; would you be so kind as to tell me if it works? Thanks for a good review.
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i will take a look.
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Thanks.
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it's not showing a change on my side. i will check it again in the morning.
love,
barbara
Comment from Joan E.
What an unusual beginning to the story, which put us right in the middle of the action immediately. I liked your use of italics for thoughts and Jamaican dialect for authenticity. (About forty lines from the end, I think "teach" became "reach" and about thirty, it should be "families".) I liked your "happy ending" in tune with the holiday spirit. I think your characters should reappear in future stories or chapters of a new book. Thank you for sharing the tale. Happy New Year- Joan
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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What an unusual beginning to the story, which put us right in the middle of the action immediately. I liked your use of italics for thoughts and Jamaican dialect for authenticity. (About forty lines from the end, I think "teach" became "reach" and about thirty, it should be "families".) I liked your "happy ending" in tune with the holiday spirit. I think your characters should reappear in future stories or chapters of a new book. Thank you for sharing the tale. Happy New Year- Joan
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Thanks for the corrections. I am sending this as a Christmastide gift to my grand-nephews, so I want it to be as correct as possible. Thank you also for a good review.
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I'm sure they will be pleased, because you also captured a boy's perspective very well in your story. Cheers- Joan
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Thanks. I always worry about writing with the voice of a child, because I used to be horrible at writing children's stories--I employed too wide a vocabulary. Then I won a contest for The Mermaid and the Octopus, so I decided to try my hand at some more children's stories. I hope you are having a blessed Christmastide.
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Your hand is quite adept.
We spent a lovely day with Ryan, and we are off tomorrow to India. I hope the good cheer of the holidays continues to find you. -Joan
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What part of India are you going to? How long will you be gone?
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Oddy, I don't want to go to India--I just want to see the Taj Mahal! So we are just going to Northern India for a week, and then, we are off to Nepal for another. -J
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I see. My father became quite ill in India when they went there; apparently the food didn't agreed with him. But both he and my mother agreed the Taj Mahal was magnificent. Nepal should be interesting (and cold!)
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I am sorry he became so ill--we travel a great deal and are prepared for anything. We even renewed our polio shots and carry Cipro (which I hope we never have to use). Stay warm too; we actually had to turn on our furnace this week! -J
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Do you follow the practice of checking in with the US Embassy when you arrive in a foreign country? It is supposed to be standard procedure, but few (including myself) usually do. In that part of the world, it might be a good idea.
Here on the edge of the desert, where it becomes quite cold at night, we have been using heat for some time now.
What is Cipro?
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No, since we are usually part of a tour. Cipro is a strong prescription antibiotic, which we would resort to only after things like Imodium didn't work.
I kind of like the crisp nights that remind us the seasons actually do change, even in California. -J
Comment from c_lucas
A good cook is hard to find and harder to keep. You held my attention from the first and held it throughout. This is very well written Good luck in your contest.
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reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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A good cook is hard to find and harder to keep. You held my attention from the first and held it throughout. This is very well written Good luck in your contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2009
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Thanks for a great and understanding review; I truly appreciate it.
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You're welcome, Alvin. Charlie
