Rudolph's Nose Goes Out
A sad day, when Rudolph looses his nose15 total reviews
Comment from wheelswrites
Another Christmas gift of a great message. This is delightful. A wonderful way to welcome this season. Good luck in the contest. I would vote for you.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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Another Christmas gift of a great message. This is delightful. A wonderful way to welcome this season. Good luck in the contest. I would vote for you.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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Thank you wheelswrites, for your nice review, and that you would vote for me, that is a real confidence booster. Is there any way I can improve on this? If so, please advice. If you don't think so, can you tell me why you have downgraded it to a four?
Thank you for taking the time to read, and to review.
Warmest regards an seasons greetings
Marijke
Comment from dmjones
This is a wonderful fun story. I enjoyed reading it very much. Poor Rudolph, I'm glad there was a creative solution.
(these two places you have Clause and the rest Claus :)
and rings Mrs Clause
He gives Mrs Clause
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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This is a wonderful fun story. I enjoyed reading it very much. Poor Rudolph, I'm glad there was a creative solution.
(these two places you have Clause and the rest Claus :)
and rings Mrs Clause
He gives Mrs Clause
Comment Written 17-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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Thank you, I will fix that. I appreciate your kind review and ratings. Pleased you enjoyed the story, as this was my first effort at writing for children.
Warmest regards and seasons greeting
Marijke
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Fiona, I became so engrossed in this delightful story. What a predicament with Rudolph being sick and the search for a solution to the problem. You developed your characters well and built up suspense and tension to a degree where I almost thought we'd miss Christmas. I loved the grumpy elf who kept being woken up.
Nice read and kept me interested. Best wishes for the contest. luv jada
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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Hi Fiona, I became so engrossed in this delightful story. What a predicament with Rudolph being sick and the search for a solution to the problem. You developed your characters well and built up suspense and tension to a degree where I almost thought we'd miss Christmas. I loved the grumpy elf who kept being woken up.
Nice read and kept me interested. Best wishes for the contest. luv jada
Comment Written 17-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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Thank you jada, I appreciate your review and comments. This is a first effort at writing for children (except for poetry). But I like a challenge, so I thought I would give it a go.
Thanks again for your kind words and ratings.
Warmest regards and seasons greetings
Marijke
Comment from nora arjuna
hi marijke, a fun holiday story for children, though maybe it's a bit lengthy for them? unless it's split up into chapters.
i didn't find any obvious spags, except these few minor things:
or a piece of wood[,]" Donner now speaks up.
put it back where it came from[,]" Prancer says, sounding real proud of himself.
"Doctor, there is one more very important thing[,]" Santa says.
best wishes.
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reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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hi marijke, a fun holiday story for children, though maybe it's a bit lengthy for them? unless it's split up into chapters.
i didn't find any obvious spags, except these few minor things:
or a piece of wood[,]" Donner now speaks up.
put it back where it came from[,]" Prancer says, sounding real proud of himself.
"Doctor, there is one more very important thing[,]" Santa says.
best wishes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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Thanks Nora, I think you are probably right, it went longer than I intended. Might break it up into chapters.
First (and maybe last) children's story I write, although I did enjoy doing this, going outside my comfort zone.
I will correct these spags, and appreciate your comments.
Warmest regards and seasons greetings.
Marijke
Comment from Aislinge
Neat little story. Cool premise of Rudolph's nose falling off. Not sure it's ready for kids, though. There's a lot of 'telling' in the story, as opposed to 'showing'. What age group is the intended audience? I can see this as targeting the 9-11 group as written; it won't keep the attention of younger kids (even if it is read to them).
Look through the piece for the aside commentary that is probably unnecessary, like Mrs Claus wanted Santa to leave so she could have her tea, or Prancer hoping for a promotion, or Santa thinking he was in charge but really his wife is. In a story like this, that type of info is unnecessary (as opposed to something of longer length geared toward older kids)
Often kids' stories are told in a light-hearted manner, and this story, with Rudoph's nose falling off, seems to me to be more of a fun/funny story that kids 9 and younger would enjoy.
Love the part where Rudolph sneezes his nose off. And couldn't Mrs Claus pick it up? Although, elves are always fun to have in a Santa story. Try looking at the core of the story: Rudolph is sick, Santa checks on him, Rudolph sneezes his nose off, it rolls under the ? where only an elf can retrieve it, wake the elf, get the nose, maybe it doesn't stay on Rudolph, Prancer has the idea to glue it to his own (why not glue it to Rudolph?), doctor (could be an elf doctor) checks out Rudolph, gives him medicine so he feels better, and Rudolph's nose finds its way back home.
The story could be quite funny, I think, and I can see it written in that sing-songy meter so many children's books are written in. I can see if the nose is round how a lot of the story could revolve around chasing the darn thing as it rolls through the room like a renegade marble.
I didn't really see any SPAGs. What the target age group is will help determine how to adjust the story. For younger kids, more humor would help. For older kids, not sure. I have a 9 yr old and a 12 yr old, and I think they would be too old for this story.
Hope this helps. I don't write childrens' stories, but I read to my kids until they could read for themselves. A couple children's authors to look at for style would be Jan Brett or Marc Brown. I haven't read any children's books for a few years, but I know these authors were favorites.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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Neat little story. Cool premise of Rudolph's nose falling off. Not sure it's ready for kids, though. There's a lot of 'telling' in the story, as opposed to 'showing'. What age group is the intended audience? I can see this as targeting the 9-11 group as written; it won't keep the attention of younger kids (even if it is read to them).
Look through the piece for the aside commentary that is probably unnecessary, like Mrs Claus wanted Santa to leave so she could have her tea, or Prancer hoping for a promotion, or Santa thinking he was in charge but really his wife is. In a story like this, that type of info is unnecessary (as opposed to something of longer length geared toward older kids)
Often kids' stories are told in a light-hearted manner, and this story, with Rudoph's nose falling off, seems to me to be more of a fun/funny story that kids 9 and younger would enjoy.
Love the part where Rudolph sneezes his nose off. And couldn't Mrs Claus pick it up? Although, elves are always fun to have in a Santa story. Try looking at the core of the story: Rudolph is sick, Santa checks on him, Rudolph sneezes his nose off, it rolls under the ? where only an elf can retrieve it, wake the elf, get the nose, maybe it doesn't stay on Rudolph, Prancer has the idea to glue it to his own (why not glue it to Rudolph?), doctor (could be an elf doctor) checks out Rudolph, gives him medicine so he feels better, and Rudolph's nose finds its way back home.
The story could be quite funny, I think, and I can see it written in that sing-songy meter so many children's books are written in. I can see if the nose is round how a lot of the story could revolve around chasing the darn thing as it rolls through the room like a renegade marble.
I didn't really see any SPAGs. What the target age group is will help determine how to adjust the story. For younger kids, more humor would help. For older kids, not sure. I have a 9 yr old and a 12 yr old, and I think they would be too old for this story.
Hope this helps. I don't write childrens' stories, but I read to my kids until they could read for themselves. A couple children's authors to look at for style would be Jan Brett or Marc Brown. I haven't read any children's books for a few years, but I know these authors were favorites.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2009
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Thank you s much Aislinge for your excellent review. I truly appreciate it. I thought I would give this a try, and need feedback like this to help me with this story, and also decide whether this genre is really what I wish to write. Probably not, but, with 10 grandchildren, we often sit down and make up stories. I will need to work out which age group I am aiming this at. I thought probably the 6 to 8. And you are probably right, too much telling, not enough fun.
I will have another look at this tomorrow, and see where I go with it. I truly appreciate your time.
Thank you, warmest regards and seasons greetings to you and all your loved ones.
Marijke
