Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "A Christmas Wedding Part II"Some bloodlines run very deep.
20 total reviews
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Steve, so glad to see they are tying the knot and what a beautiful time of year. Great descriptives, as usual you bring the flavor of food and drinks over very well. Brook still leaves me speechless because she still wants her cousin's man, yet she accepted Jim's proposal. I used to like her but not anymore. Lori has done so much for her but she continues to stab her in the back. Not to be trusted. anyways, I look forward to more
The man who you are spending the rest of your life with couldn't be with you to meet the parents of the most important person in his life?"
(LOL..uh oh!)
"No problem, (M)om. Jim's a lifeguard."
(As they walked in), the cool dry air of the interior welcomed them.
(since you used 'as' in the prior sentence consider: When they stepped inside, the cool dry air of the interior....
or you could say: When they entered...)
"Come on, (D)ad. Let's get your room
Okay, we'll come get you in a couple hours for wedding (practice).
(rehearsal)
Will Raul be joining us for wedding (practice) and dinner tonight?"
(rehearsal)
Her brown eyes looked down then up to meet his.
(suggestion: Her brown eyes lowered before lifting to meet his)
Her eyes sharpened(,) sending daggers to his heart.
we need to put our passions behind us and accept things for the way they are(from)this moment forward.
I must be with Lori now."
(I felt this was a moment for Stan to tell Lori how much he loved Lori. (I must be with Lori now--- sounds more like obligation than love. He disappointed me here. Just my thoughts)
I did say that, but after almost losing her, I couldn't bear the thought of ever losing her again.
(okay I feel a little better)
Stan exited the bedroom dressed in his best black suit and closed the door behind him before joining Brook and Raul in the living room.
(this could be tighter, consider: Clad in his best black suit, Stan exited his bedroom to join Brook and Raul in the living room) (I think we can assume he closed his door)
"How did the (practice) go tonight?"
(rehearsal) (in regards to weddings, it's always wedding rehearsal or rehearsal dinner)
"May I ask your permission to marry your daughter?"
(now this is win him brownie points...lol)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Hi Steve, so glad to see they are tying the knot and what a beautiful time of year. Great descriptives, as usual you bring the flavor of food and drinks over very well. Brook still leaves me speechless because she still wants her cousin's man, yet she accepted Jim's proposal. I used to like her but not anymore. Lori has done so much for her but she continues to stab her in the back. Not to be trusted. anyways, I look forward to more
The man who you are spending the rest of your life with couldn't be with you to meet the parents of the most important person in his life?"
(LOL..uh oh!)
"No problem, (M)om. Jim's a lifeguard."
(As they walked in), the cool dry air of the interior welcomed them.
(since you used 'as' in the prior sentence consider: When they stepped inside, the cool dry air of the interior....
or you could say: When they entered...)
"Come on, (D)ad. Let's get your room
Okay, we'll come get you in a couple hours for wedding (practice).
(rehearsal)
Will Raul be joining us for wedding (practice) and dinner tonight?"
(rehearsal)
Her brown eyes looked down then up to meet his.
(suggestion: Her brown eyes lowered before lifting to meet his)
Her eyes sharpened(,) sending daggers to his heart.
we need to put our passions behind us and accept things for the way they are(from)this moment forward.
I must be with Lori now."
(I felt this was a moment for Stan to tell Lori how much he loved Lori. (I must be with Lori now--- sounds more like obligation than love. He disappointed me here. Just my thoughts)
I did say that, but after almost losing her, I couldn't bear the thought of ever losing her again.
(okay I feel a little better)
Stan exited the bedroom dressed in his best black suit and closed the door behind him before joining Brook and Raul in the living room.
(this could be tighter, consider: Clad in his best black suit, Stan exited his bedroom to join Brook and Raul in the living room) (I think we can assume he closed his door)
"How did the (practice) go tonight?"
(rehearsal) (in regards to weddings, it's always wedding rehearsal or rehearsal dinner)
"May I ask your permission to marry your daughter?"
(now this is win him brownie points...lol)
Cassandra
Comment Written 24-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you SO MUCH for your very welcome review and helpful suggestions. I will get them in there ASAP. My computer crashed on Christmas Eve. Thankfully, I had a backup, but wow, it was a kick. Now I'm trying to learn to type all over again on a laptop, LOL. Thanks again. Hope you had a Merry Christmas!
Steve
Comment from K-Patrick
As promised:
He no sooner set her down and she and her mother hugged. --- seems a bit cold -- He no sooner set her down and her mothers arms wrapped her in a tight hug.
Brook nodded and smiled then ran toward Lori --- "run"? They're standing next to each other. -- ...turned and gave her a huge hug and kiss on the cheek.
He glanced over at his wife, then back to Lori. "The man who you are spending the rest of your life with couldn't be with you to meet the parents of the most important person in his life?" -- maybe add something like Stan tried to get the flight scheduled to arrive after dark, but with the holidays even air traffic was tight ... or ... Lori had long accepted her time with Stan meant he slept during the day.
Lori and Jim helped carry some of Lori's parents' bags as they all walked to the motor coach parked just outside. -- who helped Brook's mom? who carried the rest. --- Consider the use of a Skycap and cart.
The front of the motor coach lowered as it let out air... -...as their lungs filled with the heavy salt and fish laden ocean air. --- This almost seems like it stinks. Lighten it up a bit.
-The scent of pines and incense replaced the smell of ocean surf. --- incense? someone smoking weed? - The scent of pine, Mulberry, Bay and Cinnamon replaced the smell of ocean surf. Maybe?
Christmas Eve at Wishes Resort felt like...
--The next scene showed each of the Wishes cruises stating they were keeping to their usual schedules taking guests out fishing, snorkeling and out to dinner daily. --- The next scene showed each of the Wishes cruises stating they were keeping to their usual schedules taking guests out fishing, snorkeling and the daily dinner cruise.
--and the names of some of the top entertainers to visit the resort during the past year. --- and the names of some of the top entertainers who performed at the resort during the past year. - I am sure many visit for dinner and/or vacation, but that wouldn't be proper to show them off.
The guests went to their rooms and changed...
--The monorail took them to the far north end of the resort where they exited and walked along the docks where the Wishes cruise ships parked. --- The monorail took them to the far north end of the resort where they exited and walked along the docks where the Wishes cruise ships and fishing boats were moored.
Lori strolled over and bent to kiss his cheek. "Hi, honey. If you stay in there any longer, you're going to start looking like a shriveled up prune." -- lose shriveled up, go with just 'looking like a prune.'
"No, but we won't need one. The temperature on the ship is a comfortable hundred degrees." --- 100 degrees even pretty convenient for an alien race. Consider one hundred three degrees or something just off the even mark.
"No, Mr. Strobinski, my name is Stan, Lori's fiancee." He turned to face his cousin. "This is Raul, my cousin and Best Man." --- "No, Mr. Strobinski, I'm Stan, Lori's fiancee." He turned to face his cousin. "This is Raul, my cousin and my Best Man." -- Dad already knows Lori's man's name is Stan, he just doesn't know Stan.
Stan slapped his hand on Raul's back. "Good choice, man! You're the best Best Man I've ever had." --- Stan slapped Raul's back. "Good choice, man! You are the best Best Man I've ever had." -- lose contraction and to make it a definite statement.
Raul's head lowered as he looked around the table and smiled. "Thank you." --- possible add, "my cousin." More of a formally familiar sense of a different culture.
Menus were passed out and guests took turns placing orders. --A waitress returned with filled champagne glasses and placed the bubbly in front of everyone. --- A waitress returned with filled champagne flutes and placed the bubbly in front of everyone.
--Another waitress passed around bread, butter and [seasoned] olive oil for dipping, while [yet] another waitress took drink orders.
Christine pulled her chair closer to the table, steepled her fingers under her chin and looked at Lori and Stan. "[So,] how did the practice go tonight?"
Christine took a bite out of her bread. -- reading this it sounds like Christine took a bite of Jackie's bread. --- Maybe go with something like 'Christine dipping her own bread into the flavored oil..."
Several waitresses arrived to serve the guests their dinners, refill drinks and take away used plates. The sound of forks clanking against plates echoed over the Christmas music, as the smell of fresh grilled steaks filled the air. --- I think the 'clanking forks echoing' is to mess hall. try something like '...forks clanking against plated chimed in with the Christmas music...'
After the last piece of cake was served, and everyone's hunger was [more than] satisfied, ...
Now the biggie. Dancing to Christmas music ... it it romantic enough for the perfect couple? I want to say no. Here's what I think:
As Stan lead Lori onto the dance floor, the Christmas music faded and the soft familiar song began to play. Lori looked deep into Stan's eyes and with there filling her own said, "Oh Stan, you remembered our song." Or something.
Great 2nd part to the chapter.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2009
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As promised:
He no sooner set her down and she and her mother hugged. --- seems a bit cold -- He no sooner set her down and her mothers arms wrapped her in a tight hug.
Brook nodded and smiled then ran toward Lori --- "run"? They're standing next to each other. -- ...turned and gave her a huge hug and kiss on the cheek.
He glanced over at his wife, then back to Lori. "The man who you are spending the rest of your life with couldn't be with you to meet the parents of the most important person in his life?" -- maybe add something like Stan tried to get the flight scheduled to arrive after dark, but with the holidays even air traffic was tight ... or ... Lori had long accepted her time with Stan meant he slept during the day.
Lori and Jim helped carry some of Lori's parents' bags as they all walked to the motor coach parked just outside. -- who helped Brook's mom? who carried the rest. --- Consider the use of a Skycap and cart.
The front of the motor coach lowered as it let out air... -...as their lungs filled with the heavy salt and fish laden ocean air. --- This almost seems like it stinks. Lighten it up a bit.
-The scent of pines and incense replaced the smell of ocean surf. --- incense? someone smoking weed? - The scent of pine, Mulberry, Bay and Cinnamon replaced the smell of ocean surf. Maybe?
Christmas Eve at Wishes Resort felt like...
--The next scene showed each of the Wishes cruises stating they were keeping to their usual schedules taking guests out fishing, snorkeling and out to dinner daily. --- The next scene showed each of the Wishes cruises stating they were keeping to their usual schedules taking guests out fishing, snorkeling and the daily dinner cruise.
--and the names of some of the top entertainers to visit the resort during the past year. --- and the names of some of the top entertainers who performed at the resort during the past year. - I am sure many visit for dinner and/or vacation, but that wouldn't be proper to show them off.
The guests went to their rooms and changed...
--The monorail took them to the far north end of the resort where they exited and walked along the docks where the Wishes cruise ships parked. --- The monorail took them to the far north end of the resort where they exited and walked along the docks where the Wishes cruise ships and fishing boats were moored.
Lori strolled over and bent to kiss his cheek. "Hi, honey. If you stay in there any longer, you're going to start looking like a shriveled up prune." -- lose shriveled up, go with just 'looking like a prune.'
"No, but we won't need one. The temperature on the ship is a comfortable hundred degrees." --- 100 degrees even pretty convenient for an alien race. Consider one hundred three degrees or something just off the even mark.
"No, Mr. Strobinski, my name is Stan, Lori's fiancee." He turned to face his cousin. "This is Raul, my cousin and Best Man." --- "No, Mr. Strobinski, I'm Stan, Lori's fiancee." He turned to face his cousin. "This is Raul, my cousin and my Best Man." -- Dad already knows Lori's man's name is Stan, he just doesn't know Stan.
Stan slapped his hand on Raul's back. "Good choice, man! You're the best Best Man I've ever had." --- Stan slapped Raul's back. "Good choice, man! You are the best Best Man I've ever had." -- lose contraction and to make it a definite statement.
Raul's head lowered as he looked around the table and smiled. "Thank you." --- possible add, "my cousin." More of a formally familiar sense of a different culture.
Menus were passed out and guests took turns placing orders. --A waitress returned with filled champagne glasses and placed the bubbly in front of everyone. --- A waitress returned with filled champagne flutes and placed the bubbly in front of everyone.
--Another waitress passed around bread, butter and [seasoned] olive oil for dipping, while [yet] another waitress took drink orders.
Christine pulled her chair closer to the table, steepled her fingers under her chin and looked at Lori and Stan. "[So,] how did the practice go tonight?"
Christine took a bite out of her bread. -- reading this it sounds like Christine took a bite of Jackie's bread. --- Maybe go with something like 'Christine dipping her own bread into the flavored oil..."
Several waitresses arrived to serve the guests their dinners, refill drinks and take away used plates. The sound of forks clanking against plates echoed over the Christmas music, as the smell of fresh grilled steaks filled the air. --- I think the 'clanking forks echoing' is to mess hall. try something like '...forks clanking against plated chimed in with the Christmas music...'
After the last piece of cake was served, and everyone's hunger was [more than] satisfied, ...
Now the biggie. Dancing to Christmas music ... it it romantic enough for the perfect couple? I want to say no. Here's what I think:
As Stan lead Lori onto the dance floor, the Christmas music faded and the soft familiar song began to play. Lori looked deep into Stan's eyes and with there filling her own said, "Oh Stan, you remembered our song." Or something.
Great 2nd part to the chapter.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2009
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Thank you SO MUCH K-P! FanStory won't let me nominate you again, but please know that I appreciate this review very much. I'll print it out and put these great suggestions to work ASAP. I love these!
Steve
Comment from thedenver
Absolutly enjoyed this. I loved the character interaction and the detail of the setting brought it to my front door. The dialogue was excellent. There was only one thing I found weird, and that was Brooks dialogue in the airport. It just seemed to formal for what her character was and just made that scene slightly awkward. Honestly, besides that, it was awesome. I loved Stans character and the love between him and Brook through a great twist into the situation, especially being that Brook is Lori's cousin. Well done.
-thedenver
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2009
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Absolutly enjoyed this. I loved the character interaction and the detail of the setting brought it to my front door. The dialogue was excellent. There was only one thing I found weird, and that was Brooks dialogue in the airport. It just seemed to formal for what her character was and just made that scene slightly awkward. Honestly, besides that, it was awesome. I loved Stans character and the love between him and Brook through a great twist into the situation, especially being that Brook is Lori's cousin. Well done.
-thedenver
Comment Written 11-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review! I'll take a look at that opening and see if I can change anything. Thanks again.
Comment from Tellis
An excellent chapter although I keep waiting for the other sho to drop. LoL I enjoyed reading this welllw ritten tale.
Tellis
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2009
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An excellent chapter although I keep waiting for the other sho to drop. LoL I enjoyed reading this welllw ritten tale.
Tellis
Comment Written 10-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2009
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The other shoe's about to drop, LOL. Thank you so much for your very appreciated review! :)
Comment from L.lora
Very satisfying chapter. Good
follow through from your previous
chapter. Excellently crafted and
the dialogues are right on the
money. Fighting with your muse;
that's never good... LOL. Most
enjoyable read... Lora
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2009
|
Very satisfying chapter. Good
follow through from your previous
chapter. Excellently crafted and
the dialogues are right on the
money. Fighting with your muse;
that's never good... LOL. Most
enjoyable read... Lora
Comment Written 09-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2009
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful review, Lora. I deeply appreaciate it! :)
Comment from angel of the quill
the next last???? would you dare disappoint us?
hands a sword to fight the muse.
alas dear sir the story has so many loose spots yet to fill in
raul jim brook what is the tangle there
I sense perhaps the stiff Raul may wish to be curious and find out why humans. You got Stan and Lori finally marrying
and who is going to marry the doctor? okay just tossing theme ideas to you incase that inspires.
I am definately caught up in this wonderful story and I can't see where ending it next chapter will ' be a smooth finish'
just hoping you concider going on.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2009
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the next last???? would you dare disappoint us?
hands a sword to fight the muse.
alas dear sir the story has so many loose spots yet to fill in
raul jim brook what is the tangle there
I sense perhaps the stiff Raul may wish to be curious and find out why humans. You got Stan and Lori finally marrying
and who is going to marry the doctor? okay just tossing theme ideas to you incase that inspires.
I am definately caught up in this wonderful story and I can't see where ending it next chapter will ' be a smooth finish'
just hoping you concider going on.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much for your very encouraging review!!! Believe me, I could write on and on about their lives and I hope to. But I also want to share this story beyond FanStory, and hopefully grow as I try and close this book and find out if there is any interest in the world outside. If (and it's a biggie) I can make money at this writing, I can spend more time doing it and can get deeper into the characters. Odds are against me, but I must try. In the meantime, no matter what happens, I do plan to continue this in a sequel. Brook may star in the sequel. :) Thank you again so much. Your words touch me and make me want to put more effort into this writing! :)
Comment from Mountainstar2
This is a very good story chapter written here with great detail and well told in it's wording content. It describes well and contains all information for a very interesting read. Story is descried well and leaves the reader with a very clear picture of the stories content...
Thanks for sharing and now only look forward to the next chapter as well. Blessings on doing so...MOuntainstar2..
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2009
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This is a very good story chapter written here with great detail and well told in it's wording content. It describes well and contains all information for a very interesting read. Story is descried well and leaves the reader with a very clear picture of the stories content...
Thanks for sharing and now only look forward to the next chapter as well. Blessings on doing so...MOuntainstar2..
Comment Written 08-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2009
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Thank you SO MUCH for this incredible review, MOuntainstar2!!! I appreciate your encouraging words and praise more than you know. This review tells me I'm doing some things here right, that the magic in this story comes through and takes readers on a wonderful ride. :)
Comment from findingmyroom
Steve, this is a great chapter, meeting the parents and getting through some of the wedding formalities. I'm trying to guess if the exchange between Stan and Brook is foreshadowing something or just talking things out.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2009
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Steve, this is a great chapter, meeting the parents and getting through some of the wedding formalities. I'm trying to guess if the exchange between Stan and Brook is foreshadowing something or just talking things out.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review. With the Muse overlooking everything I write, you never know! If anything, the sequel offers several possibilities for Brook's character. :)
Comment from Vladilynn
Hmmm..I'm thinking to save the sixer for the coming chapter..but I thought some writer are stubborn and might not listen to their muse..just in-case. I'll give it to you now! Loll
Como'n Steve! I'm waiting for the biggest one! (For the last chapter of the Vampire's Fairy tale).
Penned it please~:p
Love much
Lynn:0)
Good luck!!!!!
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2009
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Hmmm..I'm thinking to save the sixer for the coming chapter..but I thought some writer are stubborn and might not listen to their muse..just in-case. I'll give it to you now! Loll
Como'n Steve! I'm waiting for the biggest one! (For the last chapter of the Vampire's Fairy tale).
Penned it please~:p
Love much
Lynn:0)
Good luck!!!!!
Comment Written 08-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2009
-
Oh, Lynn, thanks again SO MUCH!!! :)
Comment from Mark Nolan
wow NightWriter, Although its not my style, an interesting read to say the least. It flowed freely, was well constructed and it was easy to read in parts. Well done.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2009
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wow NightWriter, Although its not my style, an interesting read to say the least. It flowed freely, was well constructed and it was easy to read in parts. Well done.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much Mark!!! :)
