Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 41 "A Christmas Wedding - Part I"Some bloodlines run very deep.
23 total reviews
Comment from K-Patrick
Here it is no fanfare:
After a few minutes it worked. His head moved and he started returning her kisses. --- Within a few minutes, Stan started to move his head and began returning her kisses. --
"Keep it up, Lori. He's still in a coma, but you're helping him find his way out." -- Coma is mentioned twice in a fairly short time. He's moving now, so I am not sure if coma is proper. Consider 'He's still on the edge of deep hybernation or whatever is in between hybernation and dream state.
As Stan turned his head to look, the first person he saw was his cousin. "Hey, Raul! What are you doing here?" -- Hey, Raul. You want to run out and grab a beer? Stan just awoke from near death and knows it's his father and Raul that caused the girl's memory loss leading to his depressed state. I think it shouldn't be so cheerful. -- 'Raul ... What are you doing here?'
Raul laughed. ["]'Saving your butt again as usual. What do you think I'm doing here?" -- "Getting your girlfriend to make out with you or saving your life again, cousin." --- I think what do you think I doing here is a bit redundant and saving your butt sounds more like getting someone out of trouble.
-Lori turned her head toward the door. "Raul, wait!"
-He turned. "What is it?" All eyes focused on Lori. -- Raul still has a 'I'm above your race attitude' -- Maybe go with - He turned. "What is it now?" - giving that haven't I done enough for you appearance.
Stan's lips curled up as he gazed deep into her misty baby blues. "I'm going to need a best man." He turned toward Raul. "What do you say, buddy?" --- play it a little -- Stan's lips tightened as he gazed deep into her misty baby blues. "I'm not sure. I can't do it ... without a best man." He turned toward Raul. "What do you say, cousin?" The huge smile was more than enough to convince everyone he was more than willing.
The next three weeks passed quickly as wedding plans were made ... -- You mention free, free. We all know Stan's beyond rich. I think just saying, 'At Stan's direction, the resort arranged for transportation, top of the line rooms, and a gift package that would allow the attendees to enjoy themselves without financial concern.' or something like that.
It also improved their eye sight to the point they no longer needed to wear glasses. -- Did all three girls need glasses? I can't remember.
Numerous Christmas trees, each standing over eight feet tall, were placed throughout the resort and decorated to the max. -- Over eight feet is tiny in a room with a twelve foot ceiling. -- Numerous Christmas trees, each selected by size to nearly reach the ceiling, were placed throughout the resort and decorated to the max. --- I am not sure that 'decorated to the max' is correct grammar, although it works.
At the main entrance, a seventy foot red and white Santa greeted guests. -- What color would a Santa be? -- At the main entrance, a seventy foot inflatable Santa greeted guests.
She dusted her shorts off. -- Lost the visual -- Laughing, she stood and brushed her hands off on the back of her shorts.
Zack's Jewelers? Play on Zales or do you know of a Zack's -- Zack's to me is too informal for me, sounds more like a pawn shop. Maybe Diamond Cut Jewelers or something.
"We open our gifts on Christmas night, honey." Lori walked over to the eight foot Scotch Pine -- here the eight foot works perfectly.
"Good gosh!..." Stan says 'Good gosh' I am waiting for his impersonation of Robin talking to Batman. Also 'Good gosh' is more of a surprise expression. I think something more of relief would be better -- like 'That's good' or 'Thank God'
"Oh, honey, why don't you start the fireplace, and I'll join you on the sofa." -- There not even married and she's bossing him around. -- more subtly --"Oh, honey, I'd rather you start the fireplace, and I can join you on the sofa and snuggle."
"Even better." Stan walked over... You mention Italian lights several times throughout story. OK we get it. possible go with the twinkling, flashing, or mini-lights...
Taking a deep breath, Lori softly said, "The incense smells very nice." -- it's a candle -- throws readers off, When did he light incense? -- Give it a scent. --"The mulled wine candle smells very nice and Christmassy. I love you"
Lori laughed. "Da, yeah. Where have you been, in another world?" -- Da? Did her Dad arrive early? :o) -- Duh?
She smiled as she took another sip and leaned back into his chest as he wrapped his *large* muscular arms around her. -- I have never pictured Stan as overly large. I think 'muscular arms' would be enough. He's no Hulk Hogan :o)
"Oh, love, without a doubt, incredibly proud of you. Just as proud if not more as I am of you. And there's one more thing you don't realize." -- A stumble to read. -- Maybe: "Oh, love, without a doubt, incredibly proud of you. Just as proud I am of you, if not more so. And there's one more thing you [probably] don't realize."
She turned around pressing her breasts against his and lowered her lips to meet his. They kissed passionately. -- Although breasts are a wonderful thing, does it work here? Is it needed? -- She twisted in his arms, pressing into his chest. Their lips met and they kissed passionately.
[Effortlessly] He picked her up and gently set her on the couch with her back against the side. They continued kissing with their arms wrapped tight around the other. Stan's lips strayed from her warm lips to her lower jaw. Lori thrust[? - leaned/stretched/tilted] her head back over the edge of the sofa's arm. Blood rushed to her head as her long hair fell toward the floor.
here he suckled on her swollen nipples. -- Lori's probably not lactating so I doubt he's suckling -- I like to scene though -- Maybe his tongue swirled around the swollen nipple?
OK, I like it. I am going with a 5-star only because it does stand without my ramblings. LOTS of stuff going on. Take it with a grain, I rushed and have my own style of writing that may not flow with yours. It's good or I wouldn't be reading it.
Chap 42 tomorrow. God bless, K-P :o)
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2009
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Here it is no fanfare:
After a few minutes it worked. His head moved and he started returning her kisses. --- Within a few minutes, Stan started to move his head and began returning her kisses. --
"Keep it up, Lori. He's still in a coma, but you're helping him find his way out." -- Coma is mentioned twice in a fairly short time. He's moving now, so I am not sure if coma is proper. Consider 'He's still on the edge of deep hybernation or whatever is in between hybernation and dream state.
As Stan turned his head to look, the first person he saw was his cousin. "Hey, Raul! What are you doing here?" -- Hey, Raul. You want to run out and grab a beer? Stan just awoke from near death and knows it's his father and Raul that caused the girl's memory loss leading to his depressed state. I think it shouldn't be so cheerful. -- 'Raul ... What are you doing here?'
Raul laughed. ["]'Saving your butt again as usual. What do you think I'm doing here?" -- "Getting your girlfriend to make out with you or saving your life again, cousin." --- I think what do you think I doing here is a bit redundant and saving your butt sounds more like getting someone out of trouble.
-Lori turned her head toward the door. "Raul, wait!"
-He turned. "What is it?" All eyes focused on Lori. -- Raul still has a 'I'm above your race attitude' -- Maybe go with - He turned. "What is it now?" - giving that haven't I done enough for you appearance.
Stan's lips curled up as he gazed deep into her misty baby blues. "I'm going to need a best man." He turned toward Raul. "What do you say, buddy?" --- play it a little -- Stan's lips tightened as he gazed deep into her misty baby blues. "I'm not sure. I can't do it ... without a best man." He turned toward Raul. "What do you say, cousin?" The huge smile was more than enough to convince everyone he was more than willing.
The next three weeks passed quickly as wedding plans were made ... -- You mention free, free. We all know Stan's beyond rich. I think just saying, 'At Stan's direction, the resort arranged for transportation, top of the line rooms, and a gift package that would allow the attendees to enjoy themselves without financial concern.' or something like that.
It also improved their eye sight to the point they no longer needed to wear glasses. -- Did all three girls need glasses? I can't remember.
Numerous Christmas trees, each standing over eight feet tall, were placed throughout the resort and decorated to the max. -- Over eight feet is tiny in a room with a twelve foot ceiling. -- Numerous Christmas trees, each selected by size to nearly reach the ceiling, were placed throughout the resort and decorated to the max. --- I am not sure that 'decorated to the max' is correct grammar, although it works.
At the main entrance, a seventy foot red and white Santa greeted guests. -- What color would a Santa be? -- At the main entrance, a seventy foot inflatable Santa greeted guests.
She dusted her shorts off. -- Lost the visual -- Laughing, she stood and brushed her hands off on the back of her shorts.
Zack's Jewelers? Play on Zales or do you know of a Zack's -- Zack's to me is too informal for me, sounds more like a pawn shop. Maybe Diamond Cut Jewelers or something.
"We open our gifts on Christmas night, honey." Lori walked over to the eight foot Scotch Pine -- here the eight foot works perfectly.
"Good gosh!..." Stan says 'Good gosh' I am waiting for his impersonation of Robin talking to Batman. Also 'Good gosh' is more of a surprise expression. I think something more of relief would be better -- like 'That's good' or 'Thank God'
"Oh, honey, why don't you start the fireplace, and I'll join you on the sofa." -- There not even married and she's bossing him around. -- more subtly --"Oh, honey, I'd rather you start the fireplace, and I can join you on the sofa and snuggle."
"Even better." Stan walked over... You mention Italian lights several times throughout story. OK we get it. possible go with the twinkling, flashing, or mini-lights...
Taking a deep breath, Lori softly said, "The incense smells very nice." -- it's a candle -- throws readers off, When did he light incense? -- Give it a scent. --"The mulled wine candle smells very nice and Christmassy. I love you"
Lori laughed. "Da, yeah. Where have you been, in another world?" -- Da? Did her Dad arrive early? :o) -- Duh?
She smiled as she took another sip and leaned back into his chest as he wrapped his *large* muscular arms around her. -- I have never pictured Stan as overly large. I think 'muscular arms' would be enough. He's no Hulk Hogan :o)
"Oh, love, without a doubt, incredibly proud of you. Just as proud if not more as I am of you. And there's one more thing you don't realize." -- A stumble to read. -- Maybe: "Oh, love, without a doubt, incredibly proud of you. Just as proud I am of you, if not more so. And there's one more thing you [probably] don't realize."
She turned around pressing her breasts against his and lowered her lips to meet his. They kissed passionately. -- Although breasts are a wonderful thing, does it work here? Is it needed? -- She twisted in his arms, pressing into his chest. Their lips met and they kissed passionately.
[Effortlessly] He picked her up and gently set her on the couch with her back against the side. They continued kissing with their arms wrapped tight around the other. Stan's lips strayed from her warm lips to her lower jaw. Lori thrust[? - leaned/stretched/tilted] her head back over the edge of the sofa's arm. Blood rushed to her head as her long hair fell toward the floor.
here he suckled on her swollen nipples. -- Lori's probably not lactating so I doubt he's suckling -- I like to scene though -- Maybe his tongue swirled around the swollen nipple?
OK, I like it. I am going with a 5-star only because it does stand without my ramblings. LOTS of stuff going on. Take it with a grain, I rushed and have my own style of writing that may not flow with yours. It's good or I wouldn't be reading it.
Chap 42 tomorrow. God bless, K-P :o)
Comment Written 20-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much K-P! Awsome review and suggestions as always. It will take me a little time to get these in there, but THANK YOU so much! I couldn't have said the words any better. You have a little magic in you too.
Comment from angel of the quill
agreed there can be no end at a mere number of 40
I loved the chapter very smooth temptingly romantic
and at the edge of a thrill the whole time so it made you ready for anything. good character developement too.
wonderful
bravo
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2009
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agreed there can be no end at a mere number of 40
I loved the chapter very smooth temptingly romantic
and at the edge of a thrill the whole time so it made you ready for anything. good character developement too.
wonderful
bravo
Comment Written 09-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2009
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A bravo for me? You are too kind and so much appreciated. Thank you! Thank you for this wonderful review! :)
Comment from Jonez08
A lot to digest in this chapter, I'm glad Stan was revived and I'm thrilled about the wedding. One thing you must resolve before ending the story is the affair Stan had with Brook, even if it's just through Stan's thoughts, something to give the reader's closure. I'm reading a good book that says if you bring up a situation in a story it must be resolved within the story, even if the resolution is done through the characters thoughts. Although you did a great job with the flow, I think there's room to tighten the writing. I've seen what you're capable of, I think you can step it up a notch here.
Stan lay on his back with Lori lying naked on top of him(,) smothering him like a warm blanket.
"This isn't a dream, honey. Just look around the room." She rolled on top of him again.
(ok...has she been naked all this time? No modesty in these characters..lol)
"Stan! I said later, honey! We have guests."
(thank you, lori. I was beginning to wonder about these people)
He shook Stan's hand then turned and started walking out.
(consider: He shook Stan's hand before turning to leave.)
Since I already made plans for a huge Christmas party at the resort with my family, why don't we turn this into a (W)edding too?"
(w)edding
You want a Christmas (W)edding?"
(w)edding
During these three weeks, Stan also worked to
(consider: During this time, Stan worked to ...)
Trees and rocks along the lazy river were covered in white foam, (making them look like a fresh snow had just fallen).
(consider: giving them the appearence of freshly fallen snow.)
Dressed in (her) comfortable tank top and shorts, Lori struggled to open the door.
(a) (her isn't necessary since you go on to say Lori)
He held the perfectly wrapped gift to his ear and shook it before Lori snatched it back.
(LOL)
He gently rocked his future bride in his arms(,) while kissing her velvety smooth cheek.
Cassandra
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2009
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A lot to digest in this chapter, I'm glad Stan was revived and I'm thrilled about the wedding. One thing you must resolve before ending the story is the affair Stan had with Brook, even if it's just through Stan's thoughts, something to give the reader's closure. I'm reading a good book that says if you bring up a situation in a story it must be resolved within the story, even if the resolution is done through the characters thoughts. Although you did a great job with the flow, I think there's room to tighten the writing. I've seen what you're capable of, I think you can step it up a notch here.
Stan lay on his back with Lori lying naked on top of him(,) smothering him like a warm blanket.
"This isn't a dream, honey. Just look around the room." She rolled on top of him again.
(ok...has she been naked all this time? No modesty in these characters..lol)
"Stan! I said later, honey! We have guests."
(thank you, lori. I was beginning to wonder about these people)
He shook Stan's hand then turned and started walking out.
(consider: He shook Stan's hand before turning to leave.)
Since I already made plans for a huge Christmas party at the resort with my family, why don't we turn this into a (W)edding too?"
(w)edding
You want a Christmas (W)edding?"
(w)edding
During these three weeks, Stan also worked to
(consider: During this time, Stan worked to ...)
Trees and rocks along the lazy river were covered in white foam, (making them look like a fresh snow had just fallen).
(consider: giving them the appearence of freshly fallen snow.)
Dressed in (her) comfortable tank top and shorts, Lori struggled to open the door.
(a) (her isn't necessary since you go on to say Lori)
He held the perfectly wrapped gift to his ear and shook it before Lori snatched it back.
(LOL)
He gently rocked his future bride in his arms(,) while kissing her velvety smooth cheek.
Cassandra
Comment Written 05-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2009
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As always, I thank you so much for your wonderful review, and especially your excellant suggestions, Cassandra. From your review I can see two areas I need to keep an eye on, past tense and use of commas. Some of this seeps into the grey matter well, some still slips over it, LOL.
What book are you reading that helps you with your writing? I think I bought everything on the bookstore shelves, LOL. I just purchased a course through the Wirter's University store from Sol Stein called FictionMaster. It's good, but slow to absorb and slower in practice, LOL (I have rigid grey matter). How is your editing going? Fun I hope!
Your suggestions are most helpful and will be put to use immediately. I released this chapter one week ago. I'm sorry there were no points or dollars, for your review deserved both. I do plan to include closure (as best as I can) between Brook and Stan. That moment will happen after the wedding, when the two have a moment of privacy. Just as in life, their love will continue, but will have to be pushed aside. This will not only settle things between them for now, but will allow for a little surprise in an upcoming sequel! As you can tell, I'm itching to throw Brook and Stan together, but for now I want to wrap this novel up so I can test the other waters of editing, soliciting an agent/publisher, and more importantly get a feel for how good this story stands up outside the nurturing womb of FanStory. Thanks again Cassandra!!!
Steve
Comment from sweetwoodjax
i like it--congratulations on your win for the contest--i don't usually like vampire stories, but this one is different than others--thank you for a good read
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2009
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i like it--congratulations on your win for the contest--i don't usually like vampire stories, but this one is different than others--thank you for a good read
Comment Written 03-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging review! I'm so glad you liked this.
Comment from L.lora
Wow, this was quite some chapter.
Very strongly written and presented.
It flows easily and the storyline
keeps the reader glued to the page.
So much happening in this chapter
but all good. No spags or nits. :)Lora
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2009
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Wow, this was quite some chapter.
Very strongly written and presented.
It flows easily and the storyline
keeps the reader glued to the page.
So much happening in this chapter
but all good. No spags or nits. :)Lora
Comment Written 02-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much Lora! Lots happening for sure. The end of this book is almost here now. :)
Comment from Tpa
A very intriguing and suspenseful tale. Your characters were divine and beautifully brought to life through your poetic writing. I enjoyed your vivid descriptions. I'm not much of a fan of vampires, but very much a fan of your story. Good luck with your book.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2009
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A very intriguing and suspenseful tale. Your characters were divine and beautifully brought to life through your poetic writing. I enjoyed your vivid descriptions. I'm not much of a fan of vampires, but very much a fan of your story. Good luck with your book.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much topaz for such an encouraging and wonderful review. When I solicit publishers and editors, I will tell them this story appeals to even readers that aren't fans of vampires. You are among a large group of readers who tell me the same thing. That means a lot to me for which I am most appreciative. If you haven't read my interview with Stan, which currently is not part of this book, I highly encourage you to read it. No need for review, but just for pure enjoyment. Since you like this story, the interview adds more depth to the Stan character, and hopefully it will entertain you. The next chapter in the book will hopefully be the end, for a while. Thanks again!
Comment from Blessedasurance
This was an interesting chapter. Its a beautiful thing that they choose to get married on Christmas day. That is so romantic.
I just had a few little things I thought you need to look at. The first thing is I think you have some conflict in tenses in the middle and you also have a couple spellings wrong.
I am not good at this but I just wanted to point those out to you.
When I started reading the chapter and I got to the point where Lori says her parents would be seeing Stan and the resort for the first time I thought, well that's strange but I do understand from reading your notes that its because he's an alien/ vampire and also due to the fact that they live in another city or country perhaps.
I think its a wonderful story. Good job.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2009
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This was an interesting chapter. Its a beautiful thing that they choose to get married on Christmas day. That is so romantic.
I just had a few little things I thought you need to look at. The first thing is I think you have some conflict in tenses in the middle and you also have a couple spellings wrong.
I am not good at this but I just wanted to point those out to you.
When I started reading the chapter and I got to the point where Lori says her parents would be seeing Stan and the resort for the first time I thought, well that's strange but I do understand from reading your notes that its because he's an alien/ vampire and also due to the fact that they live in another city or country perhaps.
I think its a wonderful story. Good job.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review! I greatly appreciate your comments.
Comment from lola29
It took me a minute to catch on--they are vampires. Wasn't quite sure when I began to read what exactly was going on. You are certainly very talented in this genre.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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It took me a minute to catch on--they are vampires. Wasn't quite sure when I began to read what exactly was going on. You are certainly very talented in this genre.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review. :)
Comment from adewpearl
All three were covered, which helped to trap - add comma
Kissed out of a coma - now that I haven't seen on Gray's Anatomy! LOL
Vampire venom as weight loss treatment - hey, I knew there was more than one reason to have a major crush on Stan - and I could get rid of my glasses after all these years? Sign me up!!! :-)
Weddings, sequels - I get to keep Stan longer - you are my new favorite person :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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All three were covered, which helped to trap - add comma
Kissed out of a coma - now that I haven't seen on Gray's Anatomy! LOL
Vampire venom as weight loss treatment - hey, I knew there was more than one reason to have a major crush on Stan - and I could get rid of my glasses after all these years? Sign me up!!! :-)
Weddings, sequels - I get to keep Stan longer - you are my new favorite person :-) Brooke
Comment Written 01-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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LOL. Thank you so much for your cheerful and encouraging review, Brooke, it is greatly appreciated!!! I like happy endings to a fault, but if I'm writing a fantasy, I want it to be the most fantastic voyage imaginable. The next part will have more of the same, hopefully bringing tears to my readers (I know it brings tears to me, LOL). Thank you also for your helpful suggestion.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi steve, good idea to include their wedding as part of the story's closing. This chapter is filled with lots of tender feelings. I recall Stan also has feelings for Brooke. What happens to that?
See some suggestions:
Inside the bedroom with curtains closed a single bedside lamp lit the darkened room. - a bit awkward here, Steve, esp. with the repetition of bedroom and darkened room. How about:
Inside, a single bedside lamp lit the darkened bedroom with curtains closed.
Stan raised his hand and met Raul's and they shook. "Thank you for coming." - how about making it simpler:
Stan raised his hand and shook Raul's. "Thank you for coming."
He opened his hands and laughed. - not clear what you meant by 'opened his hands' here.
Lori tilted her head down as he rubbed the tiny knots out of her back. - does 'tilted' work with 'down'? just wondering.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Hi steve, good idea to include their wedding as part of the story's closing. This chapter is filled with lots of tender feelings. I recall Stan also has feelings for Brooke. What happens to that?
See some suggestions:
Inside the bedroom with curtains closed a single bedside lamp lit the darkened room. - a bit awkward here, Steve, esp. with the repetition of bedroom and darkened room. How about:
Inside, a single bedside lamp lit the darkened bedroom with curtains closed.
Stan raised his hand and met Raul's and they shook. "Thank you for coming." - how about making it simpler:
Stan raised his hand and shook Raul's. "Thank you for coming."
He opened his hands and laughed. - not clear what you meant by 'opened his hands' here.
Lori tilted her head down as he rubbed the tiny knots out of her back. - does 'tilted' work with 'down'? just wondering.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review! Tender and love is the theme of this ending. There will be words shared between Brook and Stan, in fact before the wedding, many words from many people will be shared as the chapter closes many threads. Hopefully I can get it all in there! Thank you also for your much appreciated and helpful suggestions. They will be put to good use right away. Thank you so much! :)
Tilted her head down is the best way I could think of her bending her head so Stan could rub the back of her neck. I could say arched her head down, does arched sound better?
