Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 40 "Love Finds a Way"Some bloodlines run very deep.
24 total reviews
Comment from LadyBrendragon
Was checking out some of your writings and came across this chapter. I have not read any of the previous ones, but this was so well written that I was able to piece together enough of the storyline to understand enough of the plotline and the characters.
One suggestion is to add a little more dialogue at the beginning. Maybe start the chapter with some dialogue from Lori, something like, "You, repulse me," Lori whispered. As Lori and Brook stared at him, horror written on their face, Stan lowered his head.
Nicely done.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2009
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Was checking out some of your writings and came across this chapter. I have not read any of the previous ones, but this was so well written that I was able to piece together enough of the storyline to understand enough of the plotline and the characters.
One suggestion is to add a little more dialogue at the beginning. Maybe start the chapter with some dialogue from Lori, something like, "You, repulse me," Lori whispered. As Lori and Brook stared at him, horror written on their face, Stan lowered his head.
Nicely done.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for taking a look and your wonderful review. I like your suggestion and will try and put it to good use. I'm also working at re-writing the ending and making it into two or even three chapters now. The editors and publishers will have to wait, LOL.
Comment from Jonez08
A lot going on here, it's hard trying to cover months in one chapter. Amazing how everyone deterioated without the other, cancer, weight gain,depression....so glad they're reunited. You didn't mention (The End). Is there more to the story? Good job and imagination
During the first couple weeks (he) kept himself busy, keeping his mind on other
(Stan)
What's that, I didn't hear you?"
(funny)
Good, here(,) drink this soup and I'll tell you more."
(add comma after here, I suggest dropping here and put Good, drink this... (you call though, either works)
"What is it(,) son? I wasn't expecting you to call so soon."
She woke gasping for air and (screaming in pain from her aching heart)
(ahem, Steve I think this may be a tad bit melodramatic here...lol, not realistic, at least in this way, maybe you can find another way to show how she's feeling)
She nodded, unable to speak. Tears flooded her eyes and overflowed down her cheeks as she looked at him. She swallowed hard as she felt the lump in the back of her throat. Her heart raced as it burst open with warmth and love. She slid closer wrapping her loving arms around his head then pulled him close. She kissed his forehead numerous times(,) while stroking her fingers through his hair and gently rocking him.
(Now, this is what I was talking about. Very good descriptives of her love and feelings)
I had the worst (daymare).
(love it!)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2009
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A lot going on here, it's hard trying to cover months in one chapter. Amazing how everyone deterioated without the other, cancer, weight gain,depression....so glad they're reunited. You didn't mention (The End). Is there more to the story? Good job and imagination
During the first couple weeks (he) kept himself busy, keeping his mind on other
(Stan)
What's that, I didn't hear you?"
(funny)
Good, here(,) drink this soup and I'll tell you more."
(add comma after here, I suggest dropping here and put Good, drink this... (you call though, either works)
"What is it(,) son? I wasn't expecting you to call so soon."
She woke gasping for air and (screaming in pain from her aching heart)
(ahem, Steve I think this may be a tad bit melodramatic here...lol, not realistic, at least in this way, maybe you can find another way to show how she's feeling)
She nodded, unable to speak. Tears flooded her eyes and overflowed down her cheeks as she looked at him. She swallowed hard as she felt the lump in the back of her throat. Her heart raced as it burst open with warmth and love. She slid closer wrapping her loving arms around his head then pulled him close. She kissed his forehead numerous times(,) while stroking her fingers through his hair and gently rocking him.
(Now, this is what I was talking about. Very good descriptives of her love and feelings)
I had the worst (daymare).
(love it!)
Cassandra
Comment Written 26-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2009
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Thank you SO MUCH Cassandra. As always, excellent suggestions and helpful advice. As much as I want to move on to the editing phase and try and find an editor/publisher, I will be re-writing the ending into two chapters. I have a great ending planned. Thank you again so much!!!
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You're welcome. Editing is quite a task, I just finished my first novel, now I have the query letter and synopsis to do. I should be posting my new romance within a couple of weeks..yeah. Oh yeah, I forgot this edit on my first review.
She slid closer(,) wrapping her loving arms around his head then pulled him close
I can't wait for the end!
Comment from fictionwriter
Could be the last chapter. A perfect ending, with the memoried returned and everything falling back into place. Well done again.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2009
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Could be the last chapter. A perfect ending, with the memoried returned and everything falling back into place. Well done again.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much, Fictionwriter for this wonderful review!
Comment from annienolan
No dont let it be the last chapter. The story is captivating and holds the attention of the reader. It is creatively romantic and a good read. Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2009
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No dont let it be the last chapter. The story is captivating and holds the attention of the reader. It is creatively romantic and a good read. Well done.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for your encouraging words. There might be a little re-write of this chapter and another to wrap it all up. There wll also be sequels! :) I too love this story too much to let it end.
Comment from L.lora
What a neat chapter... Very
well presented. Your structure
is spot on as well as your sentences.
The dialogues are great and support
your storyline while helping to
move the reader through to the
end of the page. This was exciting,
tensive and yet enduring... a great
chapter and a pleasure to read. :)Lora
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2009
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What a neat chapter... Very
well presented. Your structure
is spot on as well as your sentences.
The dialogues are great and support
your storyline while helping to
move the reader through to the
end of the page. This was exciting,
tensive and yet enduring... a great
chapter and a pleasure to read. :)Lora
Comment Written 23-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for this wonderful and encouraging review, Lora! :)
Comment from K-Patrick
(I know I haven't been around)
Awesome writing, but it seems like you crammed so much (too much) into this chapter - The continued memory loss; Stan losing the will to live; Raul & Ratoon's plan That we didn't know anything about (I think); and then wham! All is fixed.
Recommend going with at least two chapter - continued girl's memory block leading to Stan's loss of will to live -- then chapter Raul & Ratoon's conversation and Mom's slamming ... more argumentative finish with Raul having problems restoring memory because length of time and the primitive mind. Build it up and then Lori can't get stan to bite, he's too weak - Jill comes to the rescue and removes Lori's blood with a syringe and force feeds Stan. In then end she woke up and knew what had to be done...
Just some thoughts. I know pretty harsh after being away for a bit, but I like the story and wouldn't do it justice by saying it was fine by me.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2009
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(I know I haven't been around)
Awesome writing, but it seems like you crammed so much (too much) into this chapter - The continued memory loss; Stan losing the will to live; Raul & Ratoon's plan That we didn't know anything about (I think); and then wham! All is fixed.
Recommend going with at least two chapter - continued girl's memory block leading to Stan's loss of will to live -- then chapter Raul & Ratoon's conversation and Mom's slamming ... more argumentative finish with Raul having problems restoring memory because length of time and the primitive mind. Build it up and then Lori can't get stan to bite, he's too weak - Jill comes to the rescue and removes Lori's blood with a syringe and force feeds Stan. In then end she woke up and knew what had to be done...
Just some thoughts. I know pretty harsh after being away for a bit, but I like the story and wouldn't do it justice by saying it was fine by me.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2009
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Where have you been my good FanStory friend! I missed you. And no wonder why, with such excellent feedback! I LOVE your ideas. If I get this written into a screenplay and if Hollywood calls, I want you to be my Technical (or creative) Advisor. You think like me. You've given me a lot to think about, especially Stan being too weak to feed. Pow! That one really hit home. At the same time, I really want to wrap this novel up so I can see if there's a market and start seeking agents and move toward that screenplay. I'm so close to the finish line I can taste it! Yet, you make the ever excellent points and so I'm leaning towards holding off and re-writing pieces. Thank you so much for this review.
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Thing have been hectic; new work schedule; Kids moving in and out and in again; winter clean up; and no time for me to relax and read. Thank you for the compliments. They are appreciated. Sorry I haven't been around. I'll try to get back to the older posts.
Comment from adewpearl
When I saw a review from you, all I was thinking is, This better mean there is a new Stan chapter! LOL
to try and communicate with Linda - try TO communicate
Oh, Lori finally remembered - I was so worried about all of them. Christine's cancer coming back, Stan being so despondent, Lori's health going to hell. All those bad vibes.
Good thing you came through with the closing paragraphs or I might have needed treatment for depression!!! :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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When I saw a review from you, all I was thinking is, This better mean there is a new Stan chapter! LOL
to try and communicate with Linda - try TO communicate
Oh, Lori finally remembered - I was so worried about all of them. Christine's cancer coming back, Stan being so despondent, Lori's health going to hell. All those bad vibes.
Good thing you came through with the closing paragraphs or I might have needed treatment for depression!!! :-) Brooke
Comment Written 23-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review, Brooke! Great suggestion too, which I put to work right away. There will be one last chapter to bring it all together, then were off to the world of edits and sequels. :)
Comment from Sasha
No, not yet. You need to fix Brook and the doctor. Get everything back to the way it was then if you want you can end the book. Great chapter, strong, tense descriptions that kept me riveted to my chair. At least one more chapter to wrap things up, please.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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No, not yet. You need to fix Brook and the doctor. Get everything back to the way it was then if you want you can end the book. Great chapter, strong, tense descriptions that kept me riveted to my chair. At least one more chapter to wrap things up, please.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review! Yes, you're right, at least on more chapter. Then we're off to edits and sequels!
Comment from Vladilynn
Scrathing head~ I think you've change the picture?? I read this last night but the picture is two lovers that are kissing neh??
ahhh..well! I'm just so happy that they're re-united!! yeeeeiiiiii!! more Steve!! more!! will be waiting!!
Love much
Lynn:0)
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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Scrathing head~ I think you've change the picture?? I read this last night but the picture is two lovers that are kissing neh??
ahhh..well! I'm just so happy that they're re-united!! yeeeeiiiiii!! more Steve!! more!! will be waiting!!
Love much
Lynn:0)
Comment Written 23-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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Oh, you are good! I just changed the picture today. Trying to capture the spirit of the story. Thank you so much for your wonderful review!
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heee.heeeee...yes this is more better for the story!! i like it too! :0)
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Thank you! :)
Comment from Amyna
As I started reading I feared that Stan was about to die, but the intervention of a most unexpected source- Raul's mother, helped to revive him. You have done that very well!
The end of this part is very moving; Lori giving so selflessly to sustain Stan...
Amazing isn't it, how people exert their will even when they hurt those who love them...
"high pitch voice" - high pitched?
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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As I started reading I feared that Stan was about to die, but the intervention of a most unexpected source- Raul's mother, helped to revive him. You have done that very well!
The end of this part is very moving; Lori giving so selflessly to sustain Stan...
Amazing isn't it, how people exert their will even when they hurt those who love them...
"high pitch voice" - high pitched?
Comment Written 23-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review, Amyna! Good suggestion too. I put it to good use. Thanks again!
