Legal Tendencies
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Clarice Comes Clean"Two attorney's fall in love....
6 total reviews
Comment from irishauthorme
Good progress, good scene placement.
You put in just enouigh about the eating establishment, and your dialogue is getting better all of the time.
Good job here.
Irish
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2009
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Good progress, good scene placement.
You put in just enouigh about the eating establishment, and your dialogue is getting better all of the time.
Good job here.
Irish
Comment Written 15-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2009
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Thank you xoxo
Comment from Sasha
This reads much better and is much smoother. You are doing a great job with this and I see improvement with each chapter. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2009
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This reads much better and is much smoother. You are doing a great job with this and I see improvement with each chapter. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2009
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Thank you so very much my froend for all the valuable advice and help/ I have made many changes and would honored if you read it again. IF its up to par, I would appreciate you changing my review, but OLNLY if you feel it ismuch better (lol) Thanks again so much for you help.........xoxo
Comment from jmdg1954
It's been a few days since my last reading so I had to catch up. You know how to vivdly paint that "bedroom" picture, leaving very little to ones imagination! You also interject the story lines well between the love angle, Clarice and Sprinkles ( I like the choice of name). Keep it up! as they say. John
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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It's been a few days since my last reading so I had to catch up. You know how to vivdly paint that "bedroom" picture, leaving very little to ones imagination! You also interject the story lines well between the love angle, Clarice and Sprinkles ( I like the choice of name). Keep it up! as they say. John
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much for the awesome reviews and comment. I really appreciate you great words to me. xoxo
Comment from annienolan
Shivers down the spine. Makes me feel a bit spooked. But thats good. Storyline continues to be interesting. I dont think it needs much improvement. Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Shivers down the spine. Makes me feel a bit spooked. But thats good. Storyline continues to be interesting. I dont think it needs much improvement. Well done.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you do much for the awesome comment and review. Its people like you that keep me going forward. I appreciate your words....xoxo
Comment from c_lucas
You have fallen into one of the writer's pitfall. You are leaning too heavily on narrative and avoiding dialogue. In doing this, you are telling the story and not showing it. You are too good a writer to take the easy way out. Have faith in your ability to write dialogue.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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You have fallen into one of the writer's pitfall. You are leaning too heavily on narrative and avoiding dialogue. In doing this, you are telling the story and not showing it. You are too good a writer to take the easy way out. Have faith in your ability to write dialogue.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Hmmm....since I havent used dialogue at all in this story, is it ok to start towards the ending? I hope it doesnt take away from the story being told however IF I need it, I will be asking for your help on that. NOT sure how to incorporate it at all. But thanks for your comment and advice my friend. PLEASE HELP if I need to make major changes....xoxo
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You're welcome, Heidi. Since the story is all, or mostly narrative, stay in that mode.Charlie
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Heidi,
This is an important story to tell, far to many victims hide and allow the rapist to continue his abusive path destroying other lives. Why a 4? Simply because you have done what I call an "Info Dump" all of it as a narration. Try rewriting this as a dialogue between the three. It will not just bring it to life for the reader, but it will also draw the reader into the event and the story, strengthening the horror experienced and the fear of the victim.
No better way to get the message out.
Example:
"Uh, Clarice," I hesitated, "Mind if I ask why you want to bring Trey?"
"Sure, sis," she replied. "He is so different from Adam. So gentle and nice. I want you all to meet him so he can get to know you as well."
or
"Please, sis, think about this. If you let that scumbag off the hook, he'll be out again in a few years and start hurting someone else."
"I can't!" Clarice's face crumpled. "I'm so afraid of him."
Trey's arm slipped round her shoulders. "He won't hurt you ...."
See what I mean?
Patrick
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Hi Heidi,
This is an important story to tell, far to many victims hide and allow the rapist to continue his abusive path destroying other lives. Why a 4? Simply because you have done what I call an "Info Dump" all of it as a narration. Try rewriting this as a dialogue between the three. It will not just bring it to life for the reader, but it will also draw the reader into the event and the story, strengthening the horror experienced and the fear of the victim.
No better way to get the message out.
Example:
"Uh, Clarice," I hesitated, "Mind if I ask why you want to bring Trey?"
"Sure, sis," she replied. "He is so different from Adam. So gentle and nice. I want you all to meet him so he can get to know you as well."
or
"Please, sis, think about this. If you let that scumbag off the hook, he'll be out again in a few years and start hurting someone else."
"I can't!" Clarice's face crumpled. "I'm so afraid of him."
Trey's arm slipped round her shoulders. "He won't hurt you ...."
See what I mean?
Patrick
Comment Written 13-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2009
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Thank you, I truly appreciate your comment and opinion. However, adding dialogue would mean changing my entire story and although its a great idea, I simply dont have time to do that. I apologize and am concerned you think this chapter is a "Info Dump", for that was sure not my meaning. Thank you so much for reviewing and commenting my work. I do value your opinion.....xoxo
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Glad to be of assistance.
