Legal Tendencies
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "At Last....The Christmas Party"Two attorney's fall in love....
8 total reviews
Comment from irishauthorme
Ah, the 'femme fatal' finally reveals herself, only to be taken again by her errant emotions!
Good drama, and a good play of characters. I liked your descriptions of the hotel, of her dress.
Good action!
Irish
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Ah, the 'femme fatal' finally reveals herself, only to be taken again by her errant emotions!
Good drama, and a good play of characters. I liked your descriptions of the hotel, of her dress.
Good action!
Irish
Comment Written 09-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Thank you so much my friend.....xoxo
Comment from empire76
Great the party is done. LOL. Your main character is interesting she carries the story well. The main thing you need to work on is how you tell the story. Especially your use of tenses, punctuation and repetition
A few examples:
- My dress was simple yet stunning(,) and I felt so incredibly sexy in[side of] it, ready for romance.
Comma needed after stunning. Also, you can tighten up by changing inside of it to in it.
From the front it was revealing but not overly, fully accessorized with my favorite pearls.
- Whispering in my ear(,) he told me how badly he wanted to taste me.
comma needed
- Aware of the obvious change in the room(')s temperature and my now moist panties,
Apostrophe needed
- All through the night, Steven and I flirted from [a far]
Afar is one word
- As the evening was ending and people were saying their goodbyes
Try to use more active sentence structures. The use of was often makes the sentence passive and therefore it sounds boring. Also, avoid repetition of verbs even in different forms (was, were) in the same sentence
e.g.: As the evening ended, people started saying their goodbyes
- I wasn't ready at all(.) (I)n fact I was searching for Steven who seemed to have disappeared.
Reads better as two sentences
- As Alexa and Santiago were pressuring me to go,
Here again, you'll achieve an more active tone by getting rid of the 'were'
As Alexa and Santiago pressured me to go, ...
Cheers
Empi
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Great the party is done. LOL. Your main character is interesting she carries the story well. The main thing you need to work on is how you tell the story. Especially your use of tenses, punctuation and repetition
A few examples:
- My dress was simple yet stunning(,) and I felt so incredibly sexy in[side of] it, ready for romance.
Comma needed after stunning. Also, you can tighten up by changing inside of it to in it.
From the front it was revealing but not overly, fully accessorized with my favorite pearls.
- Whispering in my ear(,) he told me how badly he wanted to taste me.
comma needed
- Aware of the obvious change in the room(')s temperature and my now moist panties,
Apostrophe needed
- All through the night, Steven and I flirted from [a far]
Afar is one word
- As the evening was ending and people were saying their goodbyes
Try to use more active sentence structures. The use of was often makes the sentence passive and therefore it sounds boring. Also, avoid repetition of verbs even in different forms (was, were) in the same sentence
e.g.: As the evening ended, people started saying their goodbyes
- I wasn't ready at all(.) (I)n fact I was searching for Steven who seemed to have disappeared.
Reads better as two sentences
- As Alexa and Santiago were pressuring me to go,
Here again, you'll achieve an more active tone by getting rid of the 'were'
As Alexa and Santiago pressured me to go, ...
Cheers
Empi
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Thanks again for the advice on editing. Will work on that part more....xoxo
Comment from Sasha
This is another great, well written chapter. Your descriptions continue to provide marvelous, vivid imagery. This is very good writing. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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This is another great, well written chapter. Your descriptions continue to provide marvelous, vivid imagery. This is very good writing. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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I am SO happy you like this. Been getting a mixture of good and bad reviews on this. I hope it works....xoxo
Comment from Begin Again
Heidi
This chapter was better...it had more substance to it...A little bit of the tease for the readers mind...will he...will she..where did he go...is the party really over...That sort of thing.
Well done!
Carol
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Heidi
This chapter was better...it had more substance to it...A little bit of the tease for the readers mind...will he...will she..where did he go...is the party really over...That sort of thing.
Well done!
Carol
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Thank you.....xoxo
Comment from c_lucas
You have the cat and mouse game down perfectly. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good job.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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You have the cat and mouse game down perfectly. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good job.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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I am deeply honored that you liked this one. Tha for the big smile........xoxo
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You're welcome, Heidi. Charlie
Comment from jmdg1954
Again, short and sweet for the treat. But as you are getting further into the book, I'm starting to think that maybe more should be interjected as you write. I like how you write as I previously wrote but a little more length would be better(oops, you know what I mean). Just an opinion (shit, now I sound like Simon).... John
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Again, short and sweet for the treat. But as you are getting further into the book, I'm starting to think that maybe more should be interjected as you write. I like how you write as I previously wrote but a little more length would be better(oops, you know what I mean). Just an opinion (shit, now I sound like Simon).... John
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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LOL....I am glad you liked this one. :)
xoxo
Comment from kburdon
Goodness Heidi!
Now there's some cold shower material if ever there was. I feel quite flustered. :-)
Seriously though, it is well written and has an easy, readable style to it, flowing effortlessly from one paragraph to another.
I wonder where this story is going to go, I would love it if there was some huge sting in the tail and something wildly unexpected happens, but that's just me!
Good luck with this and I hope you never get difficult questions from your kids as to just where their mom was writing about "moist panties"! :-)
Keith
P.S. you spelt champagne wrong
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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Goodness Heidi!
Now there's some cold shower material if ever there was. I feel quite flustered. :-)
Seriously though, it is well written and has an easy, readable style to it, flowing effortlessly from one paragraph to another.
I wonder where this story is going to go, I would love it if there was some huge sting in the tail and something wildly unexpected happens, but that's just me!
Good luck with this and I hope you never get difficult questions from your kids as to just where their mom was writing about "moist panties"! :-)
Keith
P.S. you spelt champagne wrong
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
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LOL....keep reading!! I am happy you liked this.....xoxo
Comment from Paul Greatrix
you certainly have that marion keyes thing going on here. An emotional central character with strong impressions, one who seems worth reading about. Well done. X
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
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you certainly have that marion keyes thing going on here. An emotional central character with strong impressions, one who seems worth reading about. Well done. X
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2009
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Thank you so very much and I am flattered you liked this. More upcoming chapters if you are interested....thx for the review and comment my friend....xoxo
