Legal Tendencies
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Steven Brach"Two attorney's fall in love....
7 total reviews
Comment from Jordan Rose
Hi. This is interesting, starts out peaking my interest for the other chapters. There is one typo- drewl is spelled drool. Thanks for sharing. Jordan
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2009
   |
Hi. This is interesting, starts out peaking my interest for the other chapters. There is one typo- drewl is spelled drool. Thanks for sharing. Jordan
Comment Written 22-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2009
-
Thanks again Jordan
xoxo
Comment from Begin Again
Heide
I just discovered your story so I am going to fly through these chapter so I can catch up.....
Liked the introduction of Steven
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
|
Heide
I just discovered your story so I am going to fly through these chapter so I can catch up.....
Liked the introduction of Steven
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
-
I am grateful you're reading this.
xoxo
Comment from empire76
I like your book's title by the way. Per contest rules, you've established that the story takes place around the Christman holidays.
You need to do some cleaning:
- It just always felt [like] so much like the holidays at work.
delete like
- Steven and I had known each( )other for maybe, four
space needed
- ...single or engaged would [drewl] and stare like high school girls
Do you mean drool?
- It still amazes me daily how all everyone's work was complete.
You're mixing tenses. Be consistent. Past tense is usually standard but if you wish to use present tense then use it consistently so the reader doesn't get confused.
Hope that helps
E
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
|
I like your book's title by the way. Per contest rules, you've established that the story takes place around the Christman holidays.
You need to do some cleaning:
- It just always felt [like] so much like the holidays at work.
delete like
- Steven and I had known each( )other for maybe, four
space needed
- ...single or engaged would [drewl] and stare like high school girls
Do you mean drool?
- It still amazes me daily how all everyone's work was complete.
You're mixing tenses. Be consistent. Past tense is usually standard but if you wish to use present tense then use it consistently so the reader doesn't get confused.
Hope that helps
E
Comment Written 08-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2009
-
That helps me SO much!! ALL of your help is helping me tremendously.....xoxo
Comment from Sasha
This is a good beginning for this story. You introduce Steven and now, hopefully, will go on to tell us more about Kim. I found a couple of minor spags and made a few suggestions. I think this has the making of a fun and interesting story. I look forward to reading the next chapter. Good luck with the contest.
Secret Santa, a huge ... change 'a' to 'and a' ...
Personally, I would leave out 'just' in this sentence ... It just always felt ...
Put a space between ...Steven and I had known eachother ... and also in the sentence ... go to eachother's house ... should be each other and each other's ...
I would also leave out the words 'for maybe' in the sentence ... Steven and I had known each other for maybe four and .... it sounds smoother without just... we had known each other four and a half years ...
It still amazes me daily how all everyone's work was complete ... Just a thought, but I would change this to ... It still amazes me how everyone was able to complete their work when it seemed to me, all eyes were on him. I would eliminate the following sentence ... I'm not sure now when all....
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
|
This is a good beginning for this story. You introduce Steven and now, hopefully, will go on to tell us more about Kim. I found a couple of minor spags and made a few suggestions. I think this has the making of a fun and interesting story. I look forward to reading the next chapter. Good luck with the contest.
Secret Santa, a huge ... change 'a' to 'and a' ...
Personally, I would leave out 'just' in this sentence ... It just always felt ...
Put a space between ...Steven and I had known eachother ... and also in the sentence ... go to eachother's house ... should be each other and each other's ...
I would also leave out the words 'for maybe' in the sentence ... Steven and I had known each other for maybe four and .... it sounds smoother without just... we had known each other four and a half years ...
It still amazes me daily how all everyone's work was complete ... Just a thought, but I would change this to ... It still amazes me how everyone was able to complete their work when it seemed to me, all eyes were on him. I would eliminate the following sentence ... I'm not sure now when all....
Comment Written 03-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
-
Thanks so much for your awesome words of encouragement and change!! xoxo
Comment from c_lucas
This is a very well written story with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
had known eachother for (space needed)
or go to eachother's (space needed)
engaged would drewl (drool) and
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
|
This is a very well written story with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
had known eachother for (space needed)
or go to eachother's (space needed)
engaged would drewl (drool) and
Comment Written 03-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
-
Thanks again for the editing and spelling help....as always!! LOL xoxo
-
You're welcome, Heidi. Charlie
Comment from jmdg1954
Heidi... I enjoyed the prologue. You write in similar fashion as myself, simple, easy to read and easy on the eyes. No 10 syllable words that I would have to constantly look up. I mean that in a good way.
Consider, Steve as the Managing Partner as opposed to the primary owner. Good luck, John
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
|
Heidi... I enjoyed the prologue. You write in similar fashion as myself, simple, easy to read and easy on the eyes. No 10 syllable words that I would have to constantly look up. I mean that in a good way.
Consider, Steve as the Managing Partner as opposed to the primary owner. Good luck, John
Comment Written 03-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
-
I will highly consider changing that...thatnk you so so much. I will be checking out your writing as well. xoxo
Comment from djyarrum
Hi Heidixoxo. I feel your writing has potential but at the moment needs a little work. Have you thought of the possibility of attending the odd writing seminar or course?
A suggestion for a change to the second paragraph...I've known Stephen for close on four and a half years during which time we have become good friends. After a hard day at the office we often grab a bite to eat, take in a movie and on occasion even go back to his place and enjoy a hot tub together. Do you see the difference between the two ways of presenting the same idea? I'm not saying my way is anything special but even off the top of my head I think it sounds a little better than what you came up with. Lots of luck and keep writing. David.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
|
Hi Heidixoxo. I feel your writing has potential but at the moment needs a little work. Have you thought of the possibility of attending the odd writing seminar or course?
A suggestion for a change to the second paragraph...I've known Stephen for close on four and a half years during which time we have become good friends. After a hard day at the office we often grab a bite to eat, take in a movie and on occasion even go back to his place and enjoy a hot tub together. Do you see the difference between the two ways of presenting the same idea? I'm not saying my way is anything special but even off the top of my head I think it sounds a little better than what you came up with. Lots of luck and keep writing. David.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2009
-
What exactly is the odd writing seminar? Thank you so much. xoxo
