Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Lost at Sea"Some bloodlines run very deep.
22 total reviews
Comment from Vladilynn
Scary chapter you've!! Getting very interesting for every chapter!
The scenes seem so visible when I read it feels I'm also with them..How you show the vision is really amazing!!
Good luck for more!!
Love much
Lynn:0)
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
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Scary chapter you've!! Getting very interesting for every chapter!
The scenes seem so visible when I read it feels I'm also with them..How you show the vision is really amazing!!
Good luck for more!!
Love much
Lynn:0)
Comment Written 31-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
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Thank you so much Lynn and Happy Halloween! :)
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Happy Holloween too~ to you Steve!!!:0)
Comment from babylonia
well, at least they know they are moving in the right direction. sigh. LOL nicely done. yeah, the aliens are back. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2009
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well, at least they know they are moving in the right direction. sigh. LOL nicely done. yeah, the aliens are back. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara
Comment Written 26-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review Barbara! They all lead such interesting lives, LOL!
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too much stress for me but it works for them. LOL
Comment from leachwriter
I haven't been following the story, but this is a really good chapter. I made some notes as I read to help tighten the story:
There(comma) we'll swim with dolphins and take in the beauty of the reef as it comes alive."
"Don't you risk going into hibernation or shock diving in the colder water?"
(don't you mean hypothermia, instead of hibernation?)
After a waiter filled everyone's glass with more wine, Stan raised his. "A toast to family. Cheers." Everyone raised their glasses and replied, "Cheers".(you should drop the last sentence down to separate it from Stan since it is dialogue other than Stan's)
Over the next hour(comma)cart after cart made rounds offering everyone all kinds of food.
Toward the end(comma) another cart circulated offering various desserts(comma) including slices of chocolate cake, different flavors of ice cream and fresh brewed coffee. (Oh my God, are these women lumberjacks??? How can women eat so much)
Suddenly, three dolphins appeared and looked up at everyone and started chatting. (Too many "ands" try: Three dolphins suddenly appeared, looked up at everyone, and started chatting.)
Everyone joined her(comma) finding their own recliner to relax in.
Just as Chuck said that, the plane exploded(comma) sending more fire and debris down.
I thought the story was very interesting. Good job!
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2009
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I haven't been following the story, but this is a really good chapter. I made some notes as I read to help tighten the story:
There(comma) we'll swim with dolphins and take in the beauty of the reef as it comes alive."
"Don't you risk going into hibernation or shock diving in the colder water?"
(don't you mean hypothermia, instead of hibernation?)
After a waiter filled everyone's glass with more wine, Stan raised his. "A toast to family. Cheers." Everyone raised their glasses and replied, "Cheers".(you should drop the last sentence down to separate it from Stan since it is dialogue other than Stan's)
Over the next hour(comma)cart after cart made rounds offering everyone all kinds of food.
Toward the end(comma) another cart circulated offering various desserts(comma) including slices of chocolate cake, different flavors of ice cream and fresh brewed coffee. (Oh my God, are these women lumberjacks??? How can women eat so much)
Suddenly, three dolphins appeared and looked up at everyone and started chatting. (Too many "ands" try: Three dolphins suddenly appeared, looked up at everyone, and started chatting.)
Everyone joined her(comma) finding their own recliner to relax in.
Just as Chuck said that, the plane exploded(comma) sending more fire and debris down.
I thought the story was very interesting. Good job!
Comment Written 18-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2009
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Thank you so much for this very encouraging and detailed review. Also, thank you for your good suggestions. I have used them all. :)
Comment from Patrick G Cox
This keeps putting me in mind of another set of vampire stories whose titles I have now forgotten, but the vampire hero was also benevolent and kind hearted. The dialogues are good, the plot is well thought through - and now I shall have to wait to see what has happened to the yacht! Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2009
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This keeps putting me in mind of another set of vampire stories whose titles I have now forgotten, but the vampire hero was also benevolent and kind hearted. The dialogues are good, the plot is well thought through - and now I shall have to wait to see what has happened to the yacht! Well done.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2009
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LOL! Thank you so much for this wonderful and encouraging review! I truly appreciate it. :)
Comment from BPL76
I was able to really get into this plot
The flow is good
The dialog is smooth from one line to another
Good Job
BPL..................................
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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I was able to really get into this plot
The flow is good
The dialog is smooth from one line to another
Good Job
BPL..................................
Comment Written 13-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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Thank you so much for this wonderful and encouraging review BPL! :)
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi steve, I wanted to award you a sixer. I believe I still have one, but i'm not sure why it doesn't pop up here. You have lots of things going on in this chapter. First the relaxed mood, and the food! I felt full just by reading about it. Then you have the high-tension drama, and the cliffhanger ending. Great stuff!
One suggestion:
Lori studied his lips, her voice soft. She asked, "What, honey?"
- I thought 'her voice soft' should come after she asked. It's kind of awkwardly placed here.
Lori studied his lips. "What, honey?" she asked in a soft voice.
Chuck hung up the phone and turned to Jim and Christine's bodyguard[,] John.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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Hi steve, I wanted to award you a sixer. I believe I still have one, but i'm not sure why it doesn't pop up here. You have lots of things going on in this chapter. First the relaxed mood, and the food! I felt full just by reading about it. Then you have the high-tension drama, and the cliffhanger ending. Great stuff!
One suggestion:
Lori studied his lips, her voice soft. She asked, "What, honey?"
- I thought 'her voice soft' should come after she asked. It's kind of awkwardly placed here.
Lori studied his lips. "What, honey?" she asked in a soft voice.
Chuck hung up the phone and turned to Jim and Christine's bodyguard[,] John.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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Excellent and very helpful suggestions. I will use right away. Thank you for such a beautiful review and your help on this. I really appreciate your support and thoughts and trying to give this SIX STARS. That means so much! :)
Comment from Queenise
What a great chapter. Everything you want in a great movie or best-seller novel. Smile. Great action and drama. Good characters and wonderful plot. The story is so believeable and makes you think its true. Good flow and the imagery is dynamic. You have a winner in this one. Blessings. Would recommend. Queenise
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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What a great chapter. Everything you want in a great movie or best-seller novel. Smile. Great action and drama. Good characters and wonderful plot. The story is so believeable and makes you think its true. Good flow and the imagery is dynamic. You have a winner in this one. Blessings. Would recommend. Queenise
Comment Written 12-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging review! I am just thrilled to read your words over and over and appreciate it very much. You've really made my day. Thank you. :)
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You're welcome. Blessings. Queenise
Comment from findingmyroom
I've always wanted to explore the Bermuda Triangle. Looks like the mysteries there continue in your story. Is this a spag: "All of our electronics is out..." I think "all" would require a plural verb...?
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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I've always wanted to explore the Bermuda Triangle. Looks like the mysteries there continue in your story. Is this a spag: "All of our electronics is out..." I think "all" would require a plural verb...?
Comment Written 12-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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You've caught a spaggie! Yes, probably should say All of our electronics ARE out -- but since it's inside dialogue, I got away with it, LOL. But I will fix this. Thank you for your wonderful review and catching the little gremlin. The Bermuda Triangle is an interesting place, especially for story writers, LOL. Thanks again!
Comment from K-Patrick
Good action, I like the way you're bringing it together.
There's something going **[on]**, but we can't get close enough to see it. Can I use your radio to call my base?"
Jim replied, "Oh my God! Screaming, I hear women screaming!" -- Awesome hook!
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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Good action, I like the way you're bringing it together.
There's something going **[on]**, but we can't get close enough to see it. Can I use your radio to call my base?"
Jim replied, "Oh my God! Screaming, I hear women screaming!" -- Awesome hook!
Comment Written 12-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and helpful review K-Patrick! Good gremlin catch, it used to say There's something going on out there, ... I must have clipped it during an edit, either that or my mind tricked me, LOL. Thanks again so much! :)
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Steve a very exciting chapter and a perfect ending.It leaves us waiting on edge for the next chapter. As I read this chapter I thought about Stan, out of all the characters, his is really, really strong. I feel as if I really know him. I chuckled at the ladies surrounding him, all of them, loving him in their own way. And you've done the same thing to your female readers, we're also in love with Stan...lol. He's suave, sexy, wealthy loves life and makes love in an unconvential,satisfying way. How can we not love the guy..lol. Also I think you've became Stan, so we or at least I love you also...lol I think you done a great job on this story and chapter.
Now technical stuff:
Two words I notice you favor 'as' and 'and'. Instead of using (and) so often, try to create words around it. Sometimes we have to use and can't get around it. Without using it, writing because a little bit more difficult, but the payoff is sharper and tighter writing. I suggest you use your counter and see how many times you use 'as'. I've mentioned 'as' before because it stands out to me while reading. We all have words we gravitate towards. Well that's all for now my friend. Can't wait to see what the next chapter will bring!
The large room with its cherry wood furnishings basked in the warm glow of a five candle candelabra (that) rested in the center of a long dining table. A bouquet of red and white roses snuggled at the candelabra's heart. Next to the candles, a chilled bottle of Cabernet sat in a tin bucket of ice along with five long stemmed glasses. The soft white carpeting so thick and plush begged to be walked on barefoot. Accent lighting surrounded the interior with a warm glow while the romantic melodies of Frank Sinatra and Duke Ellington echoed in the background through the ship's Bose speakers. Escaping the galley, the delicious aroma of grilled steaks and crisp bacon hung in the air.
(I really like this whole descriptive setting. Well done at creating a lovely visual)(consider 'which' instead of 'that)
gently brushed (some) strands away from her beautiful, but quite pale(,) face.
(comma not needed)(to tighten the writing consider removing 'some')
Lori walked (up) behind him and rubbed her hand across his back as she looked at Brook.
(not needed)
(")Stan laughed.
(remove quote)
whirled the liquid in a circular motion under his nose and breathed in its rich scent.
(i like this descriptive)
When we get out to my favorite ship wreck, we'll light up the water (bellow) us.
(below)
Right away(.) (It) should be a nice evening for a dive."
(I suggest making this two complete sentences)
Jill's eyes fluttered (and) closed.
(tighten, tighten my friend, 'and' not needed)
Flashes of lightning electrified the sky(,) turning night to day briefly.
As everyone jumped into the rescue boat, two F-15's flew over them(,) heading toward the mysterious objects.
Cassandra
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2009
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Hi Steve a very exciting chapter and a perfect ending.It leaves us waiting on edge for the next chapter. As I read this chapter I thought about Stan, out of all the characters, his is really, really strong. I feel as if I really know him. I chuckled at the ladies surrounding him, all of them, loving him in their own way. And you've done the same thing to your female readers, we're also in love with Stan...lol. He's suave, sexy, wealthy loves life and makes love in an unconvential,satisfying way. How can we not love the guy..lol. Also I think you've became Stan, so we or at least I love you also...lol I think you done a great job on this story and chapter.
Now technical stuff:
Two words I notice you favor 'as' and 'and'. Instead of using (and) so often, try to create words around it. Sometimes we have to use and can't get around it. Without using it, writing because a little bit more difficult, but the payoff is sharper and tighter writing. I suggest you use your counter and see how many times you use 'as'. I've mentioned 'as' before because it stands out to me while reading. We all have words we gravitate towards. Well that's all for now my friend. Can't wait to see what the next chapter will bring!
The large room with its cherry wood furnishings basked in the warm glow of a five candle candelabra (that) rested in the center of a long dining table. A bouquet of red and white roses snuggled at the candelabra's heart. Next to the candles, a chilled bottle of Cabernet sat in a tin bucket of ice along with five long stemmed glasses. The soft white carpeting so thick and plush begged to be walked on barefoot. Accent lighting surrounded the interior with a warm glow while the romantic melodies of Frank Sinatra and Duke Ellington echoed in the background through the ship's Bose speakers. Escaping the galley, the delicious aroma of grilled steaks and crisp bacon hung in the air.
(I really like this whole descriptive setting. Well done at creating a lovely visual)(consider 'which' instead of 'that)
gently brushed (some) strands away from her beautiful, but quite pale(,) face.
(comma not needed)(to tighten the writing consider removing 'some')
Lori walked (up) behind him and rubbed her hand across his back as she looked at Brook.
(not needed)
(")Stan laughed.
(remove quote)
whirled the liquid in a circular motion under his nose and breathed in its rich scent.
(i like this descriptive)
When we get out to my favorite ship wreck, we'll light up the water (bellow) us.
(below)
Right away(.) (It) should be a nice evening for a dive."
(I suggest making this two complete sentences)
Jill's eyes fluttered (and) closed.
(tighten, tighten my friend, 'and' not needed)
Flashes of lightning electrified the sky(,) turning night to day briefly.
As everyone jumped into the rescue boat, two F-15's flew over them(,) heading toward the mysterious objects.
Cassandra
Comment Written 12-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2009
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Hi Cassandra,
OMG! Wow! Double wow!! This is by far one of the best reviews I have ever received, or even imagined. I am humbled, and deeply appreciative of such a review and the encouraging feedback. In the writing process I try to jump into each character, and Stan's character is of course my favorite, LOL. I can feel the love, the fear and tension and try to jot it all down like a reporter working on his Pulitzer Prize. Stan's weakness is his need to be surrounded by trusting people who will protect him from those who would want to harm him in his times of weakness. What better than to have these people be the very women he loves and needs, LOL. It's a two way street because when he isn't weak, he is their protector. He's a bilionaire, can give people anything, can buy anything, but the one thing he needs most can't be bought, true love.
So many times throughout the day I'll think what would Stan do in this situation or that. Some of those thoughts end up in the story.
Your suggestions are very helpful and have already been put to work. I'll watch those words 'as' and 'and' and look for other words. Your feedback has given me a lot to think about and brought a smile to my face. I want to frame this review for all time!
Thank you so much, Cassandra, for everything from your incredible encouragement to your most helpful support. I deeply appreciate it. :)
