He Lied To Me
A tragic story of misguided love.34 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This is a very well=written horror story. I like the way you told it through an interview with the cop. The dialogue was very well done.
didn't know was married. (he was married)
we agreed to meet for a drink to if we got along.
(to see if we got along.)
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009
  |
This is a very well=written horror story. I like the way you told it through an interview with the cop. The dialogue was very well done.
didn't know was married. (he was married)
we agreed to meet for a drink to if we got along.
(to see if we got along.)
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009
-
Thanks Beth. I edited those omissions. Thanks for catching them. I'm happy you enjoyed the story from the interview angle. - Thesis
Comment from Jnetgame
Great story. Lots of suspense; too bad the little girl had to see the aftermath of the confrontation. Just a couple of areas to edit:
I didn't know (add he) was married.
He lived a few towns away from me, we began leaving messages for each other and after about six months, we agreed to meet for a drink to (add see) if we got along.
Sobbing, Traci's eyes welled-up and released a barrage of tears, causing her eye make-up to run down the right side of her face. (I don't think you need the "right side of the face" part, not real important to the story)
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009
|
Great story. Lots of suspense; too bad the little girl had to see the aftermath of the confrontation. Just a couple of areas to edit:
I didn't know (add he) was married.
He lived a few towns away from me, we began leaving messages for each other and after about six months, we agreed to meet for a drink to (add see) if we got along.
Sobbing, Traci's eyes welled-up and released a barrage of tears, causing her eye make-up to run down the right side of her face. (I don't think you need the "right side of the face" part, not real important to the story)
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009
-
HI Jnet. Thanks for reading the story and for your comments. I debated about puting the "right side of the face," description in. I added it to directly reflect the picture. Thanks for the heads up that it wasn't needed for the description. - Thesis
Comment from Annelisa
Very strong sad story. You manage to make the reader feel pity for the murderer, naive young girl that she was.
A few nits"
I didn't know (he) was married. --missing word
Madden (S)hoe (S)tore
"No, thank you. I just can't believe what happened. I never intended to hurt anyone. I was just so angry.(") need end quotes
"It made his wife( )very angry." -- I would remove the comma
pool of her parents(') blood.--I would move the apostrophe to the end because it was the blood of BOTH parents
Well done, John. Good luck in the contest.
Annelisa
|
Very strong sad story. You manage to make the reader feel pity for the murderer, naive young girl that she was.
A few nits"
I didn't know (he) was married. --missing word
Madden (S)hoe (S)tore
"No, thank you. I just can't believe what happened. I never intended to hurt anyone. I was just so angry.(") need end quotes
"It made his wife( )very angry." -- I would remove the comma
pool of her parents(') blood.--I would move the apostrophe to the end because it was the blood of BOTH parents
Well done, John. Good luck in the contest.
Annelisa
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
Oh, the horrors we bring upon ourselves with the decisions we make. This story is great. Written well with nicely rounded out characters. It was my pleasure to read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009
|
Oh, the horrors we bring upon ourselves with the decisions we make. This story is great. Written well with nicely rounded out characters. It was my pleasure to read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009
-
Hi El Gato. Thanks for an excellent review. I'm lad the story came across in a positive way. - Thesis
