He Lied To Me
A tragic story of misguided love.34 total reviews
Comment from Heidixoxo
This is an outstanding story!! WOW...you really pulled this together and made it so creative. Your ending was amazing and almost made me cry. Job well done my friend. Best of luck in the contest, I hope you truly win. xoxo
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009
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This is an outstanding story!! WOW...you really pulled this together and made it so creative. Your ending was amazing and almost made me cry. Job well done my friend. Best of luck in the contest, I hope you truly win. xoxo
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009
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Hi Heidi. Thanks. I'm happy you thought it was good. I had a case like that once. The girl didn't deserve to go to jail, but did. This one could be self defense, but the child was the real victim. Thanks again for reading. - John
Comment from light
Wow,
I think this an exceptional story. It is well written and it kept me reading to the end. Sad ending, but so fitting.
Good writing.
Elaine
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Wow,
I think this an exceptional story. It is well written and it kept me reading to the end. Sad ending, but so fitting.
Good writing.
Elaine
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Thank you for the Exceptional review, Elaine. I'm glad that the dialogue came across so well. It's a tragedy for everyone involved. Thanks for reading. - Thesis
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh dear, the tangled web we weave.....That is was happened here, but the jerk got what he deserved. I'm pretty sure the wife was innocent though, she was also deceived by this jerk. And as usual the child suffers. You did a great job with descriptions and emotion.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Oh dear, the tangled web we weave.....That is was happened here, but the jerk got what he deserved. I'm pretty sure the wife was innocent though, she was also deceived by this jerk. And as usual the child suffers. You did a great job with descriptions and emotion.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Thanks barbara. There are so many of those guys out there that it's scary. My daughters have dealt with a few of them so far. It's pathetic. - Thesis
Comment from Adri7enne
Wow! Good job, Thesis. I thought I'd just take a peak but you hooked me. Good character development. I like the way you told the story through the dialogue. You should do well in the contest.
1st paragraph, 3rd line: "I didn't know HE was married". YOu left out "HE".
5th paragraph:"we agreed to meet for a drink to SEE if we got along." You left out "SEE"
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Wow! Good job, Thesis. I thought I'd just take a peak but you hooked me. Good character development. I like the way you told the story through the dialogue. You should do well in the contest.
1st paragraph, 3rd line: "I didn't know HE was married". YOu left out "HE".
5th paragraph:"we agreed to meet for a drink to SEE if we got along." You left out "SEE"
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Thanks for catching those Adri7enne. I'm having trouble with MS Word tansferring the files correctly lately. I really appreciate the catch. I'm happy you enjoyed the story. - Thesis
Comment from Krugerrand
An enjoyable read. 5-stars for the quality of writing; clean, tight.
I had two disappointments; 1) that there wasn't anything unique or new here, except I did appreciate the fact they met on Facebook, and 2) understanding Traci is naive, sweet dependent, and all that, I still had a hard time feeling badly for her. She was almost too weak, getting beat on and even not knowing how the knife got in her hand. I'd have liked her to grow a backbone even if just for a moment.
Regardless, none of that takes away from the fact that the writing is solid.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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An enjoyable read. 5-stars for the quality of writing; clean, tight.
I had two disappointments; 1) that there wasn't anything unique or new here, except I did appreciate the fact they met on Facebook, and 2) understanding Traci is naive, sweet dependent, and all that, I still had a hard time feeling badly for her. She was almost too weak, getting beat on and even not knowing how the knife got in her hand. I'd have liked her to grow a backbone even if just for a moment.
Regardless, none of that takes away from the fact that the writing is solid.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Thanks Krugerrand. I didn't think of making her a strong victim. Good point, I can see where it would add a lot to her character and the story. Thanks for the thoughts. - Thesis
Comment from lola29
You've scripted another great story. Although Robbie was definitely wrong for enangling Traci's feelings, he didn't deserve to die; however, I do believe she acted i self-defense. She must be one touch cookie.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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You've scripted another great story. Although Robbie was definitely wrong for enangling Traci's feelings, he didn't deserve to die; however, I do believe she acted i self-defense. She must be one touch cookie.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Thanks Lola. I actually had trouble with her character. In some ways, I wished I had made her more forceful in the beginning of the story, not a push-over. Later, her frustration took over. No one deserved to die in that one, but I wanted to put the twist at the end with the little girl. Thanks for reading. - John
Comment from pixiemillie
Playing with the emotions of another is never a good thing. How many times do these affairs go on with promises that will never be kept--and in the confronting in this write a horrible crime- -truly of passion. A real shock at the end for this poor girl. The little one walking in. But it would do all of these individuals well to really think with the head instead of emotion and try to understand the who and what and to be sure this is the right thing, which is never is and can lead to just such a disaster. Lives ruined and for what.
NOTE: First paragraph- -there is a 'he' missing. And not sure you need to include the whole 'reading of the rights'.
Well written- -nothing glaring that I saw. Excellent format for an easy read, good opener draws the reader in and holds the attention.
Terrible tragedy with a terrible twist at the end. Thank you.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Playing with the emotions of another is never a good thing. How many times do these affairs go on with promises that will never be kept--and in the confronting in this write a horrible crime- -truly of passion. A real shock at the end for this poor girl. The little one walking in. But it would do all of these individuals well to really think with the head instead of emotion and try to understand the who and what and to be sure this is the right thing, which is never is and can lead to just such a disaster. Lives ruined and for what.
NOTE: First paragraph- -there is a 'he' missing. And not sure you need to include the whole 'reading of the rights'.
Well written- -nothing glaring that I saw. Excellent format for an easy read, good opener draws the reader in and holds the attention.
Terrible tragedy with a terrible twist at the end. Thank you.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Thanks pixiemillie. I debated putting in the whole rights speach, but went with it for authenticity. I edited the "he". Thanks for catching that. Thanks for the comments about the opening lines. - Thesis
Comment from christopherjl
Oh very sadistic. The ending sent chills down my spine. I really enjoyed this writing and you raised the stakes right at the end. Very good job. Keep writing, I'm looking forward to reading more. I could find no suggestions for this poem.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Oh very sadistic. The ending sent chills down my spine. I really enjoyed this writing and you raised the stakes right at the end. Very good job. Keep writing, I'm looking forward to reading more. I could find no suggestions for this poem.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Thanks for reading christopher. I'm glad you enjoyed the story and the ending twist. - Thesis
Comment from kingskid
I have awarded you six points as you have written a very powerful story. I think you missed out the word he in your third sentence of the first paragraph. Should it not read
I didn't know he was married. Other than that minor omission, I found your story very good.
Your plot is excellent, even although it is tried and tested you brought in a twist with the imagery of the little girl, in her mind. You then played it out to a very tragic, although realistic ending.
The main character very believable and the dialogue excellent. The story also moved at a good pace. Being a little bit old fashioned I awarded you six points as well, because you did not have to resort to foul language to tell this story.
Well done and keep up the good work.
blessings,
kingskid.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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I have awarded you six points as you have written a very powerful story. I think you missed out the word he in your third sentence of the first paragraph. Should it not read
I didn't know he was married. Other than that minor omission, I found your story very good.
Your plot is excellent, even although it is tried and tested you brought in a twist with the imagery of the little girl, in her mind. You then played it out to a very tragic, although realistic ending.
The main character very believable and the dialogue excellent. The story also moved at a good pace. Being a little bit old fashioned I awarded you six points as well, because you did not have to resort to foul language to tell this story.
Well done and keep up the good work.
blessings,
kingskid.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Thank you so much for your comments and rating. I don't like the foul language either. There are other ways to express your feelings. I'm happy tat you enjoyed this story. I did correct he missing "he." I appreciate you taking the time to read my story. - Thesis
Comment from WRITER1
A very well written story. I could see how this poor girl was taken advantage of. This man was a double dealer and being young and not in many relationships she fell into his trap.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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A very well written story. I could see how this poor girl was taken advantage of. This man was a double dealer and being young and not in many relationships she fell into his trap.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2009
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Hi WRITER1. Yeah, Traci fell into that trap so many girls get sucked into. They want a boyfriend, some guypays attention to them, lies, then tradegy results. It's sad. - Thesis
