Comment from worldofwordcraft

Excellent

Hey dude!
I actually reviewed this a couple of days ago, but it appears you never got my review (probably a computer error).
Anyway, here's what I said:
Imaginative use of the picture as a writing prompt. Absorbing, believable, fast-paced, and held my attention throughout.

To that I'd just add you were right when you said I wasn't seeing your best when I read the other two pieces - this is clearly superior. Keep writing... I want to read more work of this quality.
Chris

 Comment Written 08-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 18-Oct-2009

Hi Chris, Sorry for the delayed response. I've had a lot going on recently that pre-empted me from keeping up on the site.

Thanks for your kind words. - John

Comment from Mischief's Momma

Excellent

into such a mess as she was in now - clumsy, reword

Wow this is chilling!

the poor little girl - what a great way to end it and leave your readers in suspense. really well done, I think you have made great use of the picture to concoct a great story.

All the best in the contest.
MM

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 07-Oct-2009

Thanks MM, Yeah, that does sound bad. I'll have to reword that. Thanks for reading. I hope the girl does not turn into a crazed person later in life. - Thesis

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

You paint a very vivid picture with a very good hook at the end. This is well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009

Thanks again Charlie. I'm happy it came across well. This was a hard one. I didn't want her to go to jail, but what can you do> - Thesis

reply by c_lucas on 08-Oct-2009

You're welcome, Thesis. Charlie

Comment from MariaMarsden

Excellent

Usually it's quite rare for me to like a story, where most of it is told by the use of dialogue. However your cleaver use of the dialogue reads really well and I think you did a really good job here.

Best wishes
Maria

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009

Hi Maria. Thanks for reading. I'm happy that you liked it, especially since you don't usually like the dialogue stories. Thanls again. - Thesis

Comment from Cooper Watt

Excellent

Thesis,

Hey man, solid tale. I ALWAYS enjoy a story rich with dialogue. Man, you read about guys like this, or see them on Dateline and whatnot. Two timing, weak-minded, fuck-nuts. They deserve castration. Some, death. I actually know a guy that cheated on his wife for two years. They're like Jekyll & Hyde, totally mental.

One thing I noticed, personally:

- "Are you alright?..." -- Okay, to each his own, but in my world, "alright" is not a word. It should be "all right," but that's just me. It's a slangy, jargon-like word--to me. For the most part, I avoid it's usage all together. Maybe try, "Are you okay?" Or, in the instance where you've used this, you could delete it altogether. Just have the cop ask, "Can I get you some water?" It shows the reader that he recognizes she's not well. Again, this is just my opinion--a totally biased, inconsequential opinion.

Good luck in the contest, my friend.

Coop.

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009

Hi Coop. SOry for the delayed response. Work always gets in the way of my writing. One day, perhaps that will change.

I agree with your statements. These scum need only ten minutes with a few people I know and they'd be screaming for their mama.

Thanks for pointing out the "alright". It's a bad habit I've gotten into. I have to change that. Thanks for an excellent review. - John

Comment from Suzie B

Excellent

Bravo...this is a powerful, tight,fast-paced and chilling read my friend.

Wonderful stuff, This genre is amazing and really gets those creative juices flowing.

Thanks for creating this one....your entry has raised that bar very high my friend...well done indeed.
Suzie

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009

Hi Suzie. Congrats on the win. Great job. You don' need any help with this genre, LOL. Keep up the good work. But if you ever get stuck, you know where to find me. Hugs - John

Comment from sherrygreywolf

Excellent

Incredible story! Loved the ending, even though the little girl is going to be scarred for life ... Didn't see anything that needs correcting.

great job - sherry

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009

Thanks Sherry. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, the little girl may have some issues growing up. - Thesis

Comment from SherryHo

Excellent

What a chilling story. Your story telling skills are very good. This is written well and keeps the reader hooked all the way through. The interrogation is realistic; the speech is natural and unforced. I found nothing that needs correction or improvement. Well done. Good luck!

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009

Hi Sherry. Thanks for the excellent review. I'm glad you found it realistic. Thanks for reading. - Thesis

Comment from Kathryn Varuzza

Excellent

This is a great story.
Chilling.
Emotional.
Realistic.
Good balance between dialogue, description, and action.
Interesting.
Suspenseful.
And the ending is horribly good.
Good luck in the contest.
Kathryn

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009

Thank you so much, Kathryn. I'm happy you enjoyed my story. Your words are teriffic. - Thesis

reply by Kathryn Varuzza on 05-Oct-2009

Thesis,
Thank you and you're welcome.
kathryn

Comment from rmdelta

Excellent

Thesis,

an excellent story and beautiful contest entry, my friend. It has power and tells a great story as well. Should be a winner for you and I wish you the best of luck.

Reggie

 Comment Written 05-Oct-2009

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reply by the author on 05-Oct-2009

Thanks Reggie. I appreciate you reading my story and your excellent comments. It's nice when someone says a story is powerful. Thanks again. - Thesis