Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Getting to Know Each Other"Some bloodlines run very deep.
26 total reviews
Comment from angel of the quill
wonderful lol to bad jim lost he is usually the victor but I can see why when he decided to have one to many for the fight. Good work kept me totally engrossed in it.
great work
ps.. wanted to say good work adding a character list at the bottom.. great idea to keep people involved.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2009
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wonderful lol to bad jim lost he is usually the victor but I can see why when he decided to have one to many for the fight. Good work kept me totally engrossed in it.
great work
ps.. wanted to say good work adding a character list at the bottom.. great idea to keep people involved.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2009
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Yes, the list helps me too, LOL. Getting up there in the chapters. Where does the time go? Thank you again so much!
Comment from jlsavell
NightWriter, you sir can set any scene and make the reader wish they were there, except for the fight that is. I was beginning to think the resort was a little too perfect, ah but alas a bit of roughhousing by guests on the premises...other than the Linda thing..you know your chapters also make me very hungry..jimi
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2009
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NightWriter, you sir can set any scene and make the reader wish they were there, except for the fight that is. I was beginning to think the resort was a little too perfect, ah but alas a bit of roughhousing by guests on the premises...other than the Linda thing..you know your chapters also make me very hungry..jimi
Comment Written 27-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much Jimi for another glowing review and your continued encouragement. Isn't this place just incredible? Now if we could only click our heels together and go there, LOL.
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paradise is a click away
close your eyes and feel
for the mind can always play
and life cannot steal
so click your heels and off we go
to a notional fantasy
adventures grand that glow
with imaginations ecstasy!!!!!!
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Wow! You have just written a SIX STAR poem. You should enter this in a contest here, or just post it. This is Hallmark card material. Now you get a BRAVO!!!! :) Awsome!
Comment from Jonez08
LOL...busted. Nice colorful fighting scene. I love the descriptives in this chapter, Steve, especially the nature. I guess you're going to have to get Jill a boyfriend! Good job
(As) the door opened, Dr. Jill Stenson appeared.
(Suggest: (When)
I like the description you give of here.
Standing five foot five inches,
(maybe five-five or 5'5 would work better)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2009
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LOL...busted. Nice colorful fighting scene. I love the descriptives in this chapter, Steve, especially the nature. I guess you're going to have to get Jill a boyfriend! Good job
(As) the door opened, Dr. Jill Stenson appeared.
(Suggest: (When)
I like the description you give of here.
Standing five foot five inches,
(maybe five-five or 5'5 would work better)
Cassandra
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review Cassandra! Great suggestions that I can use right away.
Steve
Comment from EllieKaye
Hi Steve,
Well, things are moving along. This is another interesting chapter with character-building details. (I want one of those credit cards too!) You're good at describing scenes and bringing the reader into the moments. :)
Jim's shift was over. He knew where the [girls'] favorite hangout for breakfast was and walked over,
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Hi Steve,
Well, things are moving along. This is another interesting chapter with character-building details. (I want one of those credit cards too!) You're good at describing scenes and bringing the reader into the moments. :)
Jim's shift was over. He knew where the [girls'] favorite hangout for breakfast was and walked over,
Comment Written 23-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review and suggestion! Th certificate just expired on that story, but Chapter 30 is now aailable and offers a few measly cents and points. More so, it's a hot chapter, LOL. Thanks again!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I can tell having vampire venom in you definitly has it's down side. Your characters are good as is your descriptions. I liked the pacing. You have a good chapter here.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
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I can tell having vampire venom in you definitly has it's down side. Your characters are good as is your descriptions. I liked the pacing. You have a good chapter here.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much! My Muse likes to keep me busy, LOL. :)
Comment from expressly4u
I see the story is progressing nicely and only noticed one typo or "spag" as I guess they're referred to on FS.
This particular sentence seemed a little out of place because it is the only description of the scene . . .
"To their left, another large waterfall that people could swim under."
. . . and would suggest rounding it out with another description of other things around the hut.
I didn't feel at a disadvantage having not read all the other chapters and could pick the story up easily which I would guess (since I don't write fiction) that's at least half the battle--telling a story that makes sense. Good luck with the next chapter!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
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I see the story is progressing nicely and only noticed one typo or "spag" as I guess they're referred to on FS.
This particular sentence seemed a little out of place because it is the only description of the scene . . .
"To their left, another large waterfall that people could swim under."
. . . and would suggest rounding it out with another description of other things around the hut.
I didn't feel at a disadvantage having not read all the other chapters and could pick the story up easily which I would guess (since I don't write fiction) that's at least half the battle--telling a story that makes sense. Good luck with the next chapter!
Comment Written 21-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
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So true, connecting all the dots and the story making sense is half the battle. Telling it in a way that glues the reader to the story, where they can't wait to flip those pages is the brass key. Like with anything, with practice the prose gets better. I find myself now thinking descriptively and looking at the world around me more attentively all due to writing and wanting to add those details in my next chapter.
Thank you so much for your wonderful review and excellent suggestion and your encouragement. :)
Comment from Tellis
I hope those two guys weren't professional trouble makers from the mob, because Stan might have to hurt them if the y were. LoL
Tellis
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2009
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I hope those two guys weren't professional trouble makers from the mob, because Stan might have to hurt them if the y were. LoL
Tellis
Comment Written 20-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderfull review Tellis. Yes, it could have been intersting, LOL.
Comment from Vladilynn
What a nice cooked chapter again Steve!!! your characters brings all their glow again to the readers that makes them to be remember!
It's a very wise way to bring back the life to all~
Thank you for sharing!
wonder what the next and what stan will say!!?
Love much
Lynn:0)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2009
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What a nice cooked chapter again Steve!!! your characters brings all their glow again to the readers that makes them to be remember!
It's a very wise way to bring back the life to all~
Thank you for sharing!
wonder what the next and what stan will say!!?
Love much
Lynn:0)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review Lynn! :)
Steve
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Steve, lots of happenings in this chapter - talking, laughing, drinking and fighting! You handled them well.
There are a few spots where I think you can leave out the tags. I noticed you used 'continued' and 'replied' quite often. Maybe vary some with actions instead.
Jill laughed[ and replied,] "Now that's the card for me." - you can delete those.
Lori [continued,] "Speaking of which - maybe here you can show an action - Lori took a bite of her toast, whatever.
Looking at both Lori and Brook, she replied, "Oh, that's not necessary.
-Jill looked at them. "Oh....
Jill was the first to notice him. - this part should be attached to the para below:
She looked up, her mouth dropped open
"I do[. He's] my boyfriend."
Jill shook his hand [and said,] "Nice to meet you." - can do without
He slammed his fist on the table. "No!" - the 'He' here feels like you referred to the bartender. Maybe change to 'The big guy' or something.
PS - catch my final chapter. :)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2009
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Hi Steve, lots of happenings in this chapter - talking, laughing, drinking and fighting! You handled them well.
There are a few spots where I think you can leave out the tags. I noticed you used 'continued' and 'replied' quite often. Maybe vary some with actions instead.
Jill laughed[ and replied,] "Now that's the card for me." - you can delete those.
Lori [continued,] "Speaking of which - maybe here you can show an action - Lori took a bite of her toast, whatever.
Looking at both Lori and Brook, she replied, "Oh, that's not necessary.
-Jill looked at them. "Oh....
Jill was the first to notice him. - this part should be attached to the para below:
She looked up, her mouth dropped open
"I do[. He's] my boyfriend."
Jill shook his hand [and said,] "Nice to meet you." - can do without
He slammed his fist on the table. "No!" - the 'He' here feels like you referred to the bartender. Maybe change to 'The big guy' or something.
PS - catch my final chapter. :)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and so helpful review. Great suggestions here. I look forward to reading your final chapter. :)
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better catch it now. going to expire today around noon. :)
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Thank you for letting me know.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
A nice slice of life in...er...paradise? I enjoyed learning about this unusual resort.
I found only one tiny typo with great writing and dialog:
1."That's good. And how [are] you feeling?" {Did you leave a word out?}
2. "Yep, almost that intense. Once he got a taste of me, there was no stopping him. Hmmm, I tell ya, making up with a vampire can be so draining sometimes." She laughed. {Pun intended?}
3. "Lori! I'm not used to just blurting out every detail of my sex life."
Lori laughed. "What's so secret? Did you do it or not?"
With her face turning deeper red, she replied, "Yes and no."
"What kind of answer is that?" {Incredible dialog.}
4. Lori picked up the phone and called the hotel manager to learn Jill's location and called her while looking at Brook. "Hi Jill, this is Lori ... What's that? Oh, I agree, it's a beautiful suite. I'm glad you like it... Okay, I'm glad you love it... Have you eaten yet? Great .... Brook and I were thinking of grabbing a bite by the pool in about half an hour or so. Would you like to join us? Okay. No, we'll stop by and get you. See you in about thirty minutes then." {Just one big stable of vampire girls. No wonder Stan has lived so long.}
5. The girls followed Brook to where Jim was sitting. Tropical music like calypso and Caribbean Steel Band played through the speakers above. The smell of grilling hamburgers and chicken filled the air. To their left, another large waterfall that people could swim under. A bartender dressed in a flowered Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks walked up to Lori and took her order. She ordered everyone the house special, which was a super sized tropical drink filled with a secret blend of exotic and delicious liquors mixed with fresh fruit juices. One of these was enough to knock out the average person, but Lori ordered round after round. By sunset, everyone was drunk and hungry. { this seems like an excess of the good life.}
6. Jim ordered burgers and water for everyone.
Lori became angry. "Hey! I'm not drinking water. I want another Long Island."
"We've had too much to drink. Let's cool it. You're going to be sick as it is."
Lori waved her hand while she tried to stand up. "Ah, what do you know." {So the girls are not invincible to the effects of alcohol.}
7. Two men stopped at the bar and noticed the three drunk girls and tried to pick them up. One caught a good look at Lori. "Hey sweetheart. How would you like to see my ball collection?"
Lori looked at him with a confused expression. "Wh ... at?"
Jim jumped off the stool and came around by Lori. "She's with me."
He laughed. "Who the fuck are you? Superman? Get outta my face or I'll bury yours in my fist." {Realistic dialog for drunks at a bar.}
Now security takes control and you end with Stan getting back ans a hook. What would Stan have done?...or will do?
I am ready to find out.
Roger
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2009
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A nice slice of life in...er...paradise? I enjoyed learning about this unusual resort.
I found only one tiny typo with great writing and dialog:
1."That's good. And how [are] you feeling?" {Did you leave a word out?}
2. "Yep, almost that intense. Once he got a taste of me, there was no stopping him. Hmmm, I tell ya, making up with a vampire can be so draining sometimes." She laughed. {Pun intended?}
3. "Lori! I'm not used to just blurting out every detail of my sex life."
Lori laughed. "What's so secret? Did you do it or not?"
With her face turning deeper red, she replied, "Yes and no."
"What kind of answer is that?" {Incredible dialog.}
4. Lori picked up the phone and called the hotel manager to learn Jill's location and called her while looking at Brook. "Hi Jill, this is Lori ... What's that? Oh, I agree, it's a beautiful suite. I'm glad you like it... Okay, I'm glad you love it... Have you eaten yet? Great .... Brook and I were thinking of grabbing a bite by the pool in about half an hour or so. Would you like to join us? Okay. No, we'll stop by and get you. See you in about thirty minutes then." {Just one big stable of vampire girls. No wonder Stan has lived so long.}
5. The girls followed Brook to where Jim was sitting. Tropical music like calypso and Caribbean Steel Band played through the speakers above. The smell of grilling hamburgers and chicken filled the air. To their left, another large waterfall that people could swim under. A bartender dressed in a flowered Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks walked up to Lori and took her order. She ordered everyone the house special, which was a super sized tropical drink filled with a secret blend of exotic and delicious liquors mixed with fresh fruit juices. One of these was enough to knock out the average person, but Lori ordered round after round. By sunset, everyone was drunk and hungry. { this seems like an excess of the good life.}
6. Jim ordered burgers and water for everyone.
Lori became angry. "Hey! I'm not drinking water. I want another Long Island."
"We've had too much to drink. Let's cool it. You're going to be sick as it is."
Lori waved her hand while she tried to stand up. "Ah, what do you know." {So the girls are not invincible to the effects of alcohol.}
7. Two men stopped at the bar and noticed the three drunk girls and tried to pick them up. One caught a good look at Lori. "Hey sweetheart. How would you like to see my ball collection?"
Lori looked at him with a confused expression. "Wh ... at?"
Jim jumped off the stool and came around by Lori. "She's with me."
He laughed. "Who the fuck are you? Superman? Get outta my face or I'll bury yours in my fist." {Realistic dialog for drunks at a bar.}
Now security takes control and you end with Stan getting back ans a hook. What would Stan have done?...or will do?
I am ready to find out.
Roger
Comment Written 20-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging review Roger! There sure is a lot going on, and you really captured the undertones here. Stan does provide an incredible place for his women, all of which he needs for one reason or another. :) Thanks for you suggestion too. I really appreciate it.
Steve
