Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Lost Loves"Some bloodlines run very deep.
22 total reviews
Comment from dihardest
I read this as if it were written with a twinge of parody. Your characters are well developed with words and action. I am intrigued to know if it is the invading, alien horde that has stolen Linda's body. You have planted a couple of intriguing seeds to keep me turning the pages.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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I read this as if it were written with a twinge of parody. Your characters are well developed with words and action. I am intrigued to know if it is the invading, alien horde that has stolen Linda's body. You have planted a couple of intriguing seeds to keep me turning the pages.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review!
Comment from Jonesy
Believe I've read other chapters but been awhile, so hard to rate on plot, character and so on. So focusing my review just on what's in front of me, I thought it well written enough to deserve a 5.
Although this did seem wordy to me, and I wonder how much of the dialogue is truly needed. I had a sense much of this chapter wasn't moving the story forward because so much of the dialogue had an everyday banter feel and I started to drift fairly quickly.
Cut all of that type of stuff? Of course not. If we do we might wind up cutting the heart out of a story. But, pacing is important as well.
Just my thoughts, and because I'm coming in the middle I didn't feel right allowing that to influence my rating.
***KILL my last doctor*** Most would agree eye-catching punctuation should be used judiciously, especially when it comes to capping words. Obviously they are for emphasis, but sometimes it can be overdone when used on words that don't need that much emphasis capping a word provides. Because it's so noticeable, the danger is readers focus too much on the word and not the writing as a whole.
That's what I felt with "KILL" here; I don't see it needs special emphasis, or if desired, italics is another consideration. It's less dramatic and still brings the desired attention to the word
***My love for you runs deeper than the deepest oceans, my flame burns hotter than the surface of the sun ***
This is really cliche. Author's choice, but if agree might consider other less melodramatic descriptions (P.S. The "Love's in the air" in the story description is same thing)
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Believe I've read other chapters but been awhile, so hard to rate on plot, character and so on. So focusing my review just on what's in front of me, I thought it well written enough to deserve a 5.
Although this did seem wordy to me, and I wonder how much of the dialogue is truly needed. I had a sense much of this chapter wasn't moving the story forward because so much of the dialogue had an everyday banter feel and I started to drift fairly quickly.
Cut all of that type of stuff? Of course not. If we do we might wind up cutting the heart out of a story. But, pacing is important as well.
Just my thoughts, and because I'm coming in the middle I didn't feel right allowing that to influence my rating.
***KILL my last doctor*** Most would agree eye-catching punctuation should be used judiciously, especially when it comes to capping words. Obviously they are for emphasis, but sometimes it can be overdone when used on words that don't need that much emphasis capping a word provides. Because it's so noticeable, the danger is readers focus too much on the word and not the writing as a whole.
That's what I felt with "KILL" here; I don't see it needs special emphasis, or if desired, italics is another consideration. It's less dramatic and still brings the desired attention to the word
***My love for you runs deeper than the deepest oceans, my flame burns hotter than the surface of the sun ***
This is really cliche. Author's choice, but if agree might consider other less melodramatic descriptions (P.S. The "Love's in the air" in the story description is same thing)
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful an helpful review. I'll take a look and see what I can change. Good points.
Comment from MaureenC
I haven't read the previous chapters but found this didn't hamper my understanding here. There is great description and dialogue and the setting is good.
Well done
Best wishes
Maureenc
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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I haven't read the previous chapters but found this didn't hamper my understanding here. There is great description and dialogue and the setting is good.
Well done
Best wishes
Maureenc
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for reading this chapter and your wonderful review Maureenc!
Comment from Jonez08
Great chapter Steve, good flow and character dialog. I especially like Lori and Stan's flirting...Well done
My love for you runs deeper than the deepest oceans, my flame burns hotter than the surface of the sun and my thirst for you ... unquenchable."
(lol...how poetic)
Maybe I'll even put my hair up and give you full access to my long(,) silky smooth neck
It has disappeared from the morgue."
(oh my goodnes!)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Great chapter Steve, good flow and character dialog. I especially like Lori and Stan's flirting...Well done
My love for you runs deeper than the deepest oceans, my flame burns hotter than the surface of the sun and my thirst for you ... unquenchable."
(lol...how poetic)
Maybe I'll even put my hair up and give you full access to my long(,) silky smooth neck
It has disappeared from the morgue."
(oh my goodnes!)
Cassandra
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review Cassandra and for catching those nasty spaggies.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello NightWriter
You always have something new brewing in your new chapters. This time it's the mystery of bugs and Linda's body missing
and you always have great dialogue
Thank you for posting another great chapter to read.
Gert
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Hello NightWriter
You always have something new brewing in your new chapters. This time it's the mystery of bugs and Linda's body missing
and you always have great dialogue
Thank you for posting another great chapter to read.
Gert
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Gert. You know, Linda missing wasn't pre-planned, it happened while I was writing. Her character wants to return, LOL.
Comment from c_lucas
This is a very well written story with very good dialogue. It looks like things are in a little turmoil. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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This is a very well written story with very good dialogue. It looks like things are in a little turmoil. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review!
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You're welcome.
Comment from Sasha
Now that's a cliffhanger! Either someone has taken the body or she not really dead. Either is unnerving and I hate having to wait to find out. Great writing and lots of new twists. Aliens, bugs, etc. Lots to keep my nerves on edge. Great writing and I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Now that's a cliffhanger! Either someone has taken the body or she not really dead. Either is unnerving and I hate having to wait to find out. Great writing and lots of new twists. Aliens, bugs, etc. Lots to keep my nerves on edge. Great writing and I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Don't we just love those little cliffhangers. Thank you so much for your wonderful review!
Comment from K-Patrick
Very good chapter. My only concern is Stan going from sarcastic to being so deeply in love with Lori all in four or five lines. I think there should be more of a transition.
The information regarding the aliens was good, but for her to almost forget it was a bit far fetched. In the previous chapter the sole reason for contacting Stan was to warn him of the aliens.
Great hook at the end. Linda's missing...
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Very good chapter. My only concern is Stan going from sarcastic to being so deeply in love with Lori all in four or five lines. I think there should be more of a transition.
The information regarding the aliens was good, but for her to almost forget it was a bit far fetched. In the previous chapter the sole reason for contacting Stan was to warn him of the aliens.
Great hook at the end. Linda's missing...
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Good points as always. The key at least to me is that Stan recognizes the aliens as no threat, unless they find him, which he is confident they won't. Lori's deeper concerns stem from not knowing or understanding this, so her fears are stronger. Your comments made me think about it. Maybe I can re-write the section to explain it better. As to your first line, I agree, that transition came fast. I'll look at it. Thanks again for a great review and those helpful suggestions. Very appreciated.
Steve
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Steve, a very eventful and emotion packed chapter. I like that Stan and Lori have sorted their differences. But tension is never far off firstly with the aliens and now Linda's body gone awol.
Some little gremlin I didn't make out:
Why? What did you think? Think I'm fooling around?" {Why, what do you think, that I'm fooling around?} Edited a bit -see what you think.
luv jada
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Hi Steve, a very eventful and emotion packed chapter. I like that Stan and Lori have sorted their differences. But tension is never far off firstly with the aliens and now Linda's body gone awol.
Some little gremlin I didn't make out:
Why? What did you think? Think I'm fooling around?" {Why, what do you think, that I'm fooling around?} Edited a bit -see what you think.
luv jada
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Tension is the key word, LOL. Linda mising wasn't planned, it just happened. Some characters are just too hard to kill off! Thank you so much for another wonderful review Jada and for catching that gremlin. :)
Comment from nora arjuna
hi steve, a great chapter. nothing much to pick at, except the POV's thing. i thought we were in Lori's, but then you have this:
Stan paced the floor as he talked.
now Lori couldn't see what Stan's doing right? there's some more shifting down the page.
"Imagine me wearing [this] when you come home." - that
other than those things, i enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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hi steve, a great chapter. nothing much to pick at, except the POV's thing. i thought we were in Lori's, but then you have this:
Stan paced the floor as he talked.
now Lori couldn't see what Stan's doing right? there's some more shifting down the page.
"Imagine me wearing [this] when you come home." - that
other than those things, i enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your helpful review. I'll take a look at that tricky POV.
