Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Dr. Jill Stenson"Some bloodlines run very deep.
24 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi NightWriter
I don't know hou you make Stan such a convincing man so his next person or should I say victim( after he lost Linda) would give in to his ways.
And I don't understand why the Doctor gave in so fast, couldn't he wait to get her to his fancy resort?
Great chapter, very descriptive, had me in awe all the way though
Gert
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Hi NightWriter
I don't know hou you make Stan such a convincing man so his next person or should I say victim( after he lost Linda) would give in to his ways.
And I don't understand why the Doctor gave in so fast, couldn't he wait to get her to his fancy resort?
Great chapter, very descriptive, had me in awe all the way though
Gert
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Gert for your always wonderful and encouraging review! I think Stan wanted to get her past her pain. Good point though and it has me thinking how it might have read had he waited. Thanks again!
Steve
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Steve you are welcome
Gert
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Excellent, very well told and quite gripping. It got my attention and held it, Pancreatic Cancer is incurable at present, a really nasty one too as you obviously know. Good research there. One major hiccough, veins don't pulsate and as far as I know humans only have two jugulars, one each side of the neck. The pulse is found in the carotid artery which is located near the windpipe.
Well done. Its a while since I read a vampire story that had the vampire as a good guy.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Excellent, very well told and quite gripping. It got my attention and held it, Pancreatic Cancer is incurable at present, a really nasty one too as you obviously know. Good research there. One major hiccough, veins don't pulsate and as far as I know humans only have two jugulars, one each side of the neck. The pulse is found in the carotid artery which is located near the windpipe.
Well done. Its a while since I read a vampire story that had the vampire as a good guy.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I agree, there is a very noticeable pulse where the carotid runs (not always seen though), but there can also be pulses found in the jugulars under the right conditions. There are two exterior and two interior jugulars and sometimes an anterior (front on top of carotid) jugulars. There's quite a variety, LOL. A smart vampire needs to know where to look for these if he/she is going to have dinner, LOL. Thanks for your encouraging comments! :)
Comment from K-Patrick
I like the chapter, but feel it needs more emotion and action. Yes I know I always say this. This is a heavy weight chapter. New woman, cancer, venom, and vampire biting a virgin neck. HHHHUUUGGGEEE!
Ok - We have tears flooding her eyes, but she doesn't cry and then a few seconds later cries. I recommend you add that. Like Tears flooded her eyes, but with a steely will composed herself before even one teardrop slipped down.
Then later... the emotional strain is just too much, this man was mocking her doomed life. The damn broke and tears ran down her cheek. -- Then she needs to grab a tissue and compose herself.
"I'll build you a brand new lab built to your exact specifications." -- He has a lab already. I suggest: "I'll refit the existing medical department and lab to your specifications."
Tears filled her eyes. "God, how I want to believe you....--- Her eyes fill with tears again? Does he want a cry baby for a doctor. There are more emotions than tears.
our many restaurants will satisfy the most demanding of your tastes. Demanding? Consider finicky, fickle, fussy, or choosy. ??
Do you still feel pain?"
"Oh, wow, it's a miracle! The pain is completely gone. -- this is a huge selling point. Build it! She needs to sound almost orgasmic! -- "Oh, wow, n-no. No! It's a miracle! The pain is completely gone...
Before Jill could sit down, he lifted her and sat her on top of the desk then pushed her back to the desktop while climbing on top of her. -- You need to give her more shock and surprise. She's been around and most likely took a self-defense class. If she thinks he's going for the hoochie-coo, she would fight harder. Readers like that kind of action. Use it.
The 'I'm a vampire, Jill' -- That has to spook her all the more. She has seen the movies and knows the end is near. The reader needs to feel it.
"Oh, no. Are you going to kill me?" -- Mr Bill came to mind. "Oh no, I didn't by toilet paper..." -- "No this isn't real get away from me! Get off or I'll scream." Struggle struggle struggle...
"I need you, why would I do that? The venom in my fangs is extremely potent and will kill the cancer in you. Now, lay back and let your head fall off the edge of the desk and help me find a vein to bite into." -- Here he needs to command her, almost hypnotize, she has already agreed to the deal. "Stop it. Relax. I need you, why would I do that? The venom..."
She needs to have a sexual experience during the bite, if you know what I mean. First timers gotta love it. Right?
I'm going with five stars, even though I mentioned a bunch of stuff. It is a good chapter.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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I like the chapter, but feel it needs more emotion and action. Yes I know I always say this. This is a heavy weight chapter. New woman, cancer, venom, and vampire biting a virgin neck. HHHHUUUGGGEEE!
Ok - We have tears flooding her eyes, but she doesn't cry and then a few seconds later cries. I recommend you add that. Like Tears flooded her eyes, but with a steely will composed herself before even one teardrop slipped down.
Then later... the emotional strain is just too much, this man was mocking her doomed life. The damn broke and tears ran down her cheek. -- Then she needs to grab a tissue and compose herself.
"I'll build you a brand new lab built to your exact specifications." -- He has a lab already. I suggest: "I'll refit the existing medical department and lab to your specifications."
Tears filled her eyes. "God, how I want to believe you....--- Her eyes fill with tears again? Does he want a cry baby for a doctor. There are more emotions than tears.
our many restaurants will satisfy the most demanding of your tastes. Demanding? Consider finicky, fickle, fussy, or choosy. ??
Do you still feel pain?"
"Oh, wow, it's a miracle! The pain is completely gone. -- this is a huge selling point. Build it! She needs to sound almost orgasmic! -- "Oh, wow, n-no. No! It's a miracle! The pain is completely gone...
Before Jill could sit down, he lifted her and sat her on top of the desk then pushed her back to the desktop while climbing on top of her. -- You need to give her more shock and surprise. She's been around and most likely took a self-defense class. If she thinks he's going for the hoochie-coo, she would fight harder. Readers like that kind of action. Use it.
The 'I'm a vampire, Jill' -- That has to spook her all the more. She has seen the movies and knows the end is near. The reader needs to feel it.
"Oh, no. Are you going to kill me?" -- Mr Bill came to mind. "Oh no, I didn't by toilet paper..." -- "No this isn't real get away from me! Get off or I'll scream." Struggle struggle struggle...
"I need you, why would I do that? The venom in my fangs is extremely potent and will kill the cancer in you. Now, lay back and let your head fall off the edge of the desk and help me find a vein to bite into." -- Here he needs to command her, almost hypnotize, she has already agreed to the deal. "Stop it. Relax. I need you, why would I do that? The venom..."
She needs to have a sexual experience during the bite, if you know what I mean. First timers gotta love it. Right?
I'm going with five stars, even though I mentioned a bunch of stuff. It is a good chapter.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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I can never thank you enough for your very appreciated comments and suggestions. Thank you so much! I had trouble with this chapter. I could visualize it, but had trouble finding the words to describe some things. You always find exactly those areas. I rewrote the first three pages no less than five times. Trying to gain someones trust is not easy, even in storytelling, LOL. If it's going to be believable, it takes work.
I'll work on using all of your excellent suggestions. Thanks again. I always look forward to reading and using your reviews to better my writing.
Comment from Sue_Angel
This is the first chapter I've read, but you held my attention all the way through! You did a great job with description, including the way he had her hold her head over the desk so the angle would be right. Your dialogue was realistic. I look forward now to reading more!
Great job!
Susan
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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This is the first chapter I've read, but you held my attention all the way through! You did a great job with description, including the way he had her hold her head over the desk so the angle would be right. Your dialogue was realistic. I look forward now to reading more!
Great job!
Susan
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Susan for this wonderful and encouraging review! I wanted to make the bite scene more romantic, but Stan's loyalty to his fiance kept the encounter less sexy. Thanks again!
Comment from adewpearl
Hi. I'm the richest man in the whole world and I know all your secrets - I can make your cancer disappear, give you your every dream, and allow you to live a life of luxury - it's just that I'm a vampire and need to suck your blood!!!
Now, that would be a lot for one woman to accept in a few minutes time :-) Great scene! Brooke
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Hi. I'm the richest man in the whole world and I know all your secrets - I can make your cancer disappear, give you your every dream, and allow you to live a life of luxury - it's just that I'm a vampire and need to suck your blood!!!
Now, that would be a lot for one woman to accept in a few minutes time :-) Great scene! Brooke
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Exactly! That's the problem I struggled with from the start. Thank you so much for your wonderful review Brooke!
Comment from Sasha
Another fast paced, interesting, fascinating chapter full of twists that keep the reader on his toes. Your descriptions are great and as always, provide strong vivid imagery. Very well done. I anxiously look forward to the next exciting chapter.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Another fast paced, interesting, fascinating chapter full of twists that keep the reader on his toes. Your descriptions are great and as always, provide strong vivid imagery. Very well done. I anxiously look forward to the next exciting chapter.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your continuous support and wonderful review!
Comment from jadapenn
Oh drat, can't give you a sixer for this - wish I could. This is an incredible chapter, well written with tons of suspense and action. You managed to develope Jill's character quite well. The dialogue between Stan and Jill was good. Well penned interesting chapter. Excellent hanger at the end with all the chaos in Romania.
Two little gremlins:
Stan's search for[a] new doctor led him to her.
Smells a little like Champaign.[champagne] What is it?"
Luv jada
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Oh drat, can't give you a sixer for this - wish I could. This is an incredible chapter, well written with tons of suspense and action. You managed to develope Jill's character quite well. The dialogue between Stan and Jill was good. Well penned interesting chapter. Excellent hanger at the end with all the chaos in Romania.
Two little gremlins:
Stan's search for[a] new doctor led him to her.
Smells a little like Champaign.[champagne] What is it?"
Luv jada
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for the wonderful review and virtual six stars! Wow! I'm so glad the chapter was enjoyed. Thanks also for helping catch those gremlins. I made the changes right away. Hope you have a great day!
Comment from joan marie
Excellent chapter. One thing I need to learn is when enough is enough. I always think it could be better. I reread until it doesn't make sense anymore. Great writing. joan marie
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Excellent chapter. One thing I need to learn is when enough is enough. I always think it could be better. I reread until it doesn't make sense anymore. Great writing. joan marie
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for reading and your wonderful review Joan Marie! I know what you mean. I keep thinking the same thing -- it could be better, then re-write the entire piece. Sometimes it is better, but at some point the writing has to be set free, LOL. Thanks again!
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You're welcome. I am getting ready to review A Day In The Life, again. I am reading it at my writer's group and although it was posted here and most of the nits fixed, they will find something. jm
Comment from expressly4u
I was excited to see a message that there was new writing by you today and as I read, even though I haven't read all the other chapters, I was deeply engaged in the story so wonderful job in hooking the reader with the storyline itself.
I love Stan's charachter--he's a compassionate hero and you develop him well.
I'm sure other reviewers have mentioned the few typos that you're probably already working on but here's the few I found:
Stan's search for (add "a")new doctor led him to her.
He needed to tell her the truth about him(add "self) and convince her that he could cure her disease.
Then there are several places where "cap" is used but I think you meant "cup".
Other than those few little nits, I love the story and the characters--very engaging!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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I was excited to see a message that there was new writing by you today and as I read, even though I haven't read all the other chapters, I was deeply engaged in the story so wonderful job in hooking the reader with the storyline itself.
I love Stan's charachter--he's a compassionate hero and you develop him well.
I'm sure other reviewers have mentioned the few typos that you're probably already working on but here's the few I found:
Stan's search for (add "a")new doctor led him to her.
He needed to tell her the truth about him(add "self) and convince her that he could cure her disease.
Then there are several places where "cap" is used but I think you meant "cup".
Other than those few little nits, I love the story and the characters--very engaging!
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging review and for your help in spotting those nasty spaggies! You were the first to catch those. I used the word cap because it was the top cap of the flask he used. I did that because there were no cups in Dr. Stenson's office and to also show how powerful just a little of that potion was. I'll get the corrections posted very soon. Thanks again!
Steve
Comment from rmdelta
NightWriter,
this was an excellent chapter, my friend. I found the descriptives to be really good and along with the great dialogue, draws the reader into the story. VEry well written.
Reggie
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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NightWriter,
this was an excellent chapter, my friend. I found the descriptives to be really good and along with the great dialogue, draws the reader into the story. VEry well written.
Reggie
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Reggie! It took me some tme to get this one right, LOL. :)
