Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Those Sad Brown Eyes"A book of a mixture of stories
60 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
You have met the requirement for describing a strong character. This story was interesting to read from beginning to end. I do not see any room for improvement.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2021
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You have met the requirement for describing a strong character. This story was interesting to read from beginning to end. I do not see any room for improvement.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2021
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Thanks for reading another of my stories. I am pleased that you enjoyed it. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Carol Clark2
Great story! It's gripping from beginning to end. My only suggestion is to let the reader know a little sooner that Jake and Stan are teens. I pictured them as adults at first. Your suspense held me, and your characters are developed just enough that the reader identifies well with Jake. Thanks for reposting this. Blessings. Carol
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2021
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Great story! It's gripping from beginning to end. My only suggestion is to let the reader know a little sooner that Jake and Stan are teens. I pictured them as adults at first. Your suspense held me, and your characters are developed just enough that the reader identifies well with Jake. Thanks for reposting this. Blessings. Carol
Comment Written 05-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2021
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Thanks so much for taking the time to reach and review the story. So pleased that you enjoyed it. Smiles, Carol
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You're welcome. It's a gripping read. Smiles to you also.
Comment from Susan Newell
Great little story filled with drama and anticipation. The only thing I would suggest is cluing us in to the fact that Stan and Jake are teenagers working in a grocery story at the beginning of the story. I thought they were adult housemates at first.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Great little story filled with drama and anticipation. The only thing I would suggest is cluing us in to the fact that Stan and Jake are teenagers working in a grocery story at the beginning of the story. I thought they were adult housemates at first.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Yeah, I guess people can't see inside the writer's head and know what she is thinking. LOL At times I tend to forget that!!! Thanks for the review and suggestions. Hugs, Carol
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As always, you are very welcome.
Comment from Judy Lawless
This is another excellent story that is written with a passion for detail and action. The characters are strong, but especially Jake. You portrayed him well. The tension kept me reading and hoping. Great job!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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This is another excellent story that is written with a passion for detail and action. The characters are strong, but especially Jake. You portrayed him well. The tension kept me reading and hoping. Great job!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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thanks, Judy... I truly appreciate your thoughts and your enjoyment of my stories. thanks for putting a smile on my face. Hugs, Carol
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Well done, Carole. A well written action
mystery story line with a young hero and
victim. I enjoyed it very much. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Well done, Carole. A well written action
mystery story line with a young hero and
victim. I enjoyed it very much. Nancy:)
Comment Written 30-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Good day, nancy...Thank you for stopping by and reviewing my story. I appreciate your comments and thoughtfulness. Hugs, Carol
Comment from dmt1967
('"Stan, I am telling you something strange is going on in that house." I knew I was wasting my breath trying to make him understand, but I couldn't help myself. Her face haunted me even in my dreams. Those dark brown puppy eyes peering from behind that red curtain were pleading for my help. I was sure of it!')
Ok, here is a tip for you. Use the thought process. This is the inner thoughts of your characters mind. Some writers think it is lazy but it is a tool like your computer or writing apps and, in my opinion it dramatizes the work and connects with the reader quicker. You decide if your start hook sounds better with or without. Also, you can use all the words that tell rather than show as it is very much like dialogue.
("Stan, I am telling you something strange is going on in that house." I shook my head, waste of time trying to make him understand; but those dark-brown eyes sent shivers down my back. The woman, with her pleading look, haunted my dreams.)
"Jake, you've been watching too many of those hero flicks." Stan (was) doubled up with laughter. (delete) Not needed. Words like 'was' 'had' are very telling words. By opting them out the sentence changes from telling to showing and it doesn't alter the meaning of the sentence.
I know it sounds like I'm missing a few screws, but I can't explain the feeling I get, as if she's talking to me with (those eyes.) (them) You overused (eyes) in this paragraph. This, in my opinion, makes the last few sentences jerky.
(Sitting) the groceries on the porch, my eyes darted toward the door and back to the window again. (Seating down or putting down)
(My anger was obviously apparent to everyone.) "Jake, I've known you for a long time. (I could feel my face turn red as I clenched my fists and tapped my foot on the floor)
This is a good story and I thought it was well thought out. I think you harped on a bit about the pleading eyes and this made the story lag a little. The reader, in my opinion, will skip over repeated bits or same scenes. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. Hope you are well.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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('"Stan, I am telling you something strange is going on in that house." I knew I was wasting my breath trying to make him understand, but I couldn't help myself. Her face haunted me even in my dreams. Those dark brown puppy eyes peering from behind that red curtain were pleading for my help. I was sure of it!')
Ok, here is a tip for you. Use the thought process. This is the inner thoughts of your characters mind. Some writers think it is lazy but it is a tool like your computer or writing apps and, in my opinion it dramatizes the work and connects with the reader quicker. You decide if your start hook sounds better with or without. Also, you can use all the words that tell rather than show as it is very much like dialogue.
("Stan, I am telling you something strange is going on in that house." I shook my head, waste of time trying to make him understand; but those dark-brown eyes sent shivers down my back. The woman, with her pleading look, haunted my dreams.)
"Jake, you've been watching too many of those hero flicks." Stan (was) doubled up with laughter. (delete) Not needed. Words like 'was' 'had' are very telling words. By opting them out the sentence changes from telling to showing and it doesn't alter the meaning of the sentence.
I know it sounds like I'm missing a few screws, but I can't explain the feeling I get, as if she's talking to me with (those eyes.) (them) You overused (eyes) in this paragraph. This, in my opinion, makes the last few sentences jerky.
(Sitting) the groceries on the porch, my eyes darted toward the door and back to the window again. (Seating down or putting down)
(My anger was obviously apparent to everyone.) "Jake, I've known you for a long time. (I could feel my face turn red as I clenched my fists and tapped my foot on the floor)
This is a good story and I thought it was well thought out. I think you harped on a bit about the pleading eyes and this made the story lag a little. The reader, in my opinion, will skip over repeated bits or same scenes. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing. Hope you are well.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Good day...I thank you for taking such care with reviewing this story. It's one I wrote a very long time ago and reposted yesterday. I'd received some devastating news and didn't even examine the story before I posted. I should have, but.... I will go back and try to fix your suggestions as soon as I can wrap my head around a few things in present time. I appreciate the time and care you put into reading my stories. Hugs, Carol
Comment from Sally Law
A strong character for sure. This was so well written, and a short story from long past I see. This is wonderful writing, dear Carol. I'm so glad you have stepped back into writing and are enjoying your new calling, adding daily to your marvelous portfolio. Yu our pen name suits you! Sending you my best and blessings always,
Sal XOs....
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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A strong character for sure. This was so well written, and a short story from long past I see. This is wonderful writing, dear Carol. I'm so glad you have stepped back into writing and are enjoying your new calling, adding daily to your marvelous portfolio. Yu our pen name suits you! Sending you my best and blessings always,
Sal XOs....
Comment Written 30-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Thank you, Sally... Yes, I never realized when I chose "Begin Again" that it would become my daily motto... I seem to have to pick myself up off the floor over and over and press forward again. I am glad to find a focal point by using my writing skills the Lord has blessed me with. Hugs, Carol
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Gripping--so glad you are reviving all these oldies--like everything you write, the suspense is excruciating, the characters real, and the events vividly rendered. Stunning story.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Gripping--so glad you are reviving all these oldies--like everything you write, the suspense is excruciating, the characters real, and the events vividly rendered. Stunning story.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read, enjoy and comment on my story. I appreciate your thoughts. Hugs, Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
I've wondered all day, "Where oh, where has my Carol gone. Oh where, oh where can she be." Then, "POOF!" And just like magic, there you are. LOL. Hope you're having a wonderful day, and week! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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I've wondered all day, "Where oh, where has my Carol gone. Oh where, oh where can she be." Then, "POOF!" And just like magic, there you are. LOL. Hope you're having a wonderful day, and week! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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She's over the hill and down the vale... She's drinking her wine and spinnin' a tale... She was licking her wounds and shedding a tear.... then her knight did appear with a song of good cheer
My poetic form is shot to hell today, but at least I smiled because of you. Thank you for always stopping by to cheer me up.
Hugs, Carol
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I guess we just need a few bottles of wine and we can hold each other up and wobble along the river bank telling stories. LOL. ((HUGS)), Ric
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a very good story and entirely believable. Your character is behaving exactly like a hero should although he might also be pacing and turning suddenly, very physical. One sentence doesn't quite work for me in the paragraph beginning, "Mr. Taylor pulled . . . (My anger . . . to everyone.)" Make it more personal as he isn't too likely to be interested in anyone else's attitude when they are stalling in what he knows he has to do.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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This is a very good story and entirely believable. Your character is behaving exactly like a hero should although he might also be pacing and turning suddenly, very physical. One sentence doesn't quite work for me in the paragraph beginning, "Mr. Taylor pulled . . . (My anger . . . to everyone.)" Make it more personal as he isn't too likely to be interested in anyone else's attitude when they are stalling in what he knows he has to do.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read, enjoy and comment on my story. I appreciate your thoughts. Hugs, Carol
