Double Trouble
Su Lin is a hired killer.60 total reviews
Comment from Lynne
In fact, housed behind her comely face was an intellect far more powerful than her anyone could have imagined,)) Is the word her ill-placed?then make love to the scotch bottle for another three or four months before trying rehab again. Great line, amongst many! Author notes: ? in place of apostrophe. That happened to me, just make sure it isn't where it's supposed to be. Awesome story. Clipped along at a good pace and held my interest well. Your gift at descriptions is evident and noted. Wonderful work!!! Lynne~
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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In fact, housed behind her comely face was an intellect far more powerful than her anyone could have imagined,)) Is the word her ill-placed?then make love to the scotch bottle for another three or four months before trying rehab again. Great line, amongst many! Author notes: ? in place of apostrophe. That happened to me, just make sure it isn't where it's supposed to be. Awesome story. Clipped along at a good pace and held my interest well. Your gift at descriptions is evident and noted. Wonderful work!!! Lynne~
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much for the review and comments, Lynne.. I do appreciate your input too. It all helps...Bob
Comment from Mrs Jones
Ssuddenly, Su Lin's arm went dead small typo. An excellent write Bobby. Unexpected ending. Loved your ever original colourful dialogue.
"Try to set the night on fire
The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire " Now it's stuck in my head. Lol. Good old karaoke song.
Well done
Cheers
Rose
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Ssuddenly, Su Lin's arm went dead small typo. An excellent write Bobby. Unexpected ending. Loved your ever original colourful dialogue.
"Try to set the night on fire
The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire " Now it's stuck in my head. Lol. Good old karaoke song.
Well done
Cheers
Rose
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Mrs. Jones...We definitely have "a thing goin on" It amazes me that you know the lyrics to songs the way you do. Have you ever considered moving to the US of A? With all the problems you have ther, we would welcome you with open arms. Thanks so much for the fine review and the sparkling six..Locve you...Bobbie XXX
Comment from Phil Kitom
An excellent story that I enjoyed reading from
start to finish. The fight scene was good and
in the end the revelation that it was her father
trying to kill her was good too. I get the
feeling that this maybe the starting chapter to
a book.. Well done...
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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An excellent story that I enjoyed reading from
start to finish. The fight scene was good and
in the end the revelation that it was her father
trying to kill her was good too. I get the
feeling that this maybe the starting chapter to
a book.. Well done...
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Phil...I appreciate your comments very much..I will watch for your work also...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Errors:
In fact, housed behind her comely face was an intellect far more powerful than her (delete "her") anyone could have
anyone realized he'd left,he (left, he)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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This is very well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Errors:
In fact, housed behind her comely face was an intellect far more powerful than her (delete "her") anyone could have
anyone realized he'd left,he (left, he)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, lucas...I appreciate your reiews very much...Bob
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You're welcome, Bob. Charlie
Comment from Wild Flower
I liked the Sun Lin character. She was hard as nails, but some how likeable. Probably because she had such a hard upbringing. The twist at the end where the father was the assassin was a nice touch and unexpected in my case. This was a really good story, but I hated to have it end. And who sent him to kill her? You're such a tease. Haha!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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I liked the Sun Lin character. She was hard as nails, but some how likeable. Probably because she had such a hard upbringing. The twist at the end where the father was the assassin was a nice touch and unexpected in my case. This was a really good story, but I hated to have it end. And who sent him to kill her? You're such a tease. Haha!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Wild Flower, My you are giving me quite the reviews today! Very grateful...Bob
Comment from fictionwriter
An interesting little story. It had good characterization and wonderful description. I'm not a fan of the crime stuff, but it was good. Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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An interesting little story. It had good characterization and wonderful description. I'm not a fan of the crime stuff, but it was good. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks very much, fictionwriter...It's all fiction...I like writing fiction more than anything...and usually with surprise endings which is more or less my trademark. Thanks again...Bob
Comment from Loyd C. Taylor, Sr
Now, I think a good Tuesday morning to you friend. Excellent story and great use of the art work. I enjoyed and wish you great success.
Check the following line for typo:
others, bigger a slower
Check the following, when you re-paste, sometimes it messes with the punctuation.
None of us know, when we open our eyes in the morning, whether we will have the chance to close them at day?s end to sleep or have them shut forever.
Have a good day! Loyd
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Now, I think a good Tuesday morning to you friend. Excellent story and great use of the art work. I enjoyed and wish you great success.
Check the following line for typo:
others, bigger a slower
Check the following, when you re-paste, sometimes it messes with the punctuation.
None of us know, when we open our eyes in the morning, whether we will have the chance to close them at day?s end to sleep or have them shut forever.
Have a good day! Loyd
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Hi, Loyd...I do appreciate your review very much. You are so thorough, and that is important to me. I'm sorry, I got the one spag, but I can't find the "bigger, slower" thing..Can you enlighten its location for me. Bob
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Bob you are very welcome. The other part was in your notes at the bottom. Loyd
Comment from JeffreyStone
Bob:
I really liked the parallel action of the first two sections of your story. That created anticipation of the two characters coming together on a collision course. I think your readers will guess that the killer is also the father, but you give no hint of his reason for wanting to kill his daughter.(I understand that they both were killers for hire, but I think you need something more.)
Specific comments:
bigger a (and)slower.
The air was hot and down the road (Suggest The air was hot. Down the road etc.)
powerful than her anyone (Delete her)
Bye (,) Gary."
Everything appeared to be just as she had left it. Her bedroom door was open as she always left it. (This is too repetitive)
She felt like (as if)she was
Max screamed again.(I believe this should go at the start of the next paragraph, below.)
"You lousy bitch!"
Enjoyed the read. Good luck in the contest.
Travis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Bob:
I really liked the parallel action of the first two sections of your story. That created anticipation of the two characters coming together on a collision course. I think your readers will guess that the killer is also the father, but you give no hint of his reason for wanting to kill his daughter.(I understand that they both were killers for hire, but I think you need something more.)
Specific comments:
bigger a (and)slower.
The air was hot and down the road (Suggest The air was hot. Down the road etc.)
powerful than her anyone (Delete her)
Bye (,) Gary."
Everything appeared to be just as she had left it. Her bedroom door was open as she always left it. (This is too repetitive)
She felt like (as if)she was
Max screamed again.(I believe this should go at the start of the next paragraph, below.)
"You lousy bitch!"
Enjoyed the read. Good luck in the contest.
Travis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks,Travis I do appreciate your review and your help with the spags...Just so we are clear here, are you grading a lot for a story based on punctuation? I don't as a rule, but will if you like..I corrected all the items you pointed out and if you think I deserv3e an upgrade, I would appreciateit for sure..Thanks again, Bob
Comment from Soulester
"Double Trouble" really packs a punch, Mastery! You have included all of the elements of a good short story and excelled in dialogue, descrition, and character development. The twist at the end was excellent, too. I did not note a thing I would change. Great job, and good luck in the contest. Mary
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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"Double Trouble" really packs a punch, Mastery! You have included all of the elements of a good short story and excelled in dialogue, descrition, and character development. The twist at the end was excellent, too. I did not note a thing I would change. Great job, and good luck in the contest. Mary
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Mary. I appreciate you taking the tim eto read my story. I also appreciate the wonderful stars...Thanks, Bob
Comment from tati
Dear Bob,
I learned lots of things to day, thanks to your "Double Trouble". Many new words, new style of writing, new metaphors, new analogy. I love particularly these lines:
- Romantic relationships were like gears in an old pocket watch, she thought. They were always turning, some of the gears small and fast, others, bigger a slower. Some just didn't work at all.
- In fact, housed behind her comely face was an intellect far more powerful than her anyone could have imagined, and it was coupled with a shrewdness that allowed her to live by her wits.
- He had hands the size of dinner plates and the stitched scar through his eyebrow was a cosmetic distraction from the physical confidence in his face.
This is an exceptionally powerful Strong Character contest entry. Just found one minor typo: (Ssuddenly). Wish you luck in the contest. Your friend, tati (July 14, 2009)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Dear Bob,
I learned lots of things to day, thanks to your "Double Trouble". Many new words, new style of writing, new metaphors, new analogy. I love particularly these lines:
- Romantic relationships were like gears in an old pocket watch, she thought. They were always turning, some of the gears small and fast, others, bigger a slower. Some just didn't work at all.
- In fact, housed behind her comely face was an intellect far more powerful than her anyone could have imagined, and it was coupled with a shrewdness that allowed her to live by her wits.
- He had hands the size of dinner plates and the stitched scar through his eyebrow was a cosmetic distraction from the physical confidence in his face.
This is an exceptionally powerful Strong Character contest entry. Just found one minor typo: (Ssuddenly). Wish you luck in the contest. Your friend, tati (July 14, 2009)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thank you, Tati...I am so glad you recognized some good stuff in this story...I appreciate your comments very much, Your friend, Bob
