Double Trouble
Su Lin is a hired killer.60 total reviews
Comment from RaymondJohn
You take up with Piranha fish, don't expect them to go on a diet, Lu Lu."--Good line.
Exciting story, though they should have killed each other. I wasn't sure how it would end. Best of luck in the contest. Ray.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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You take up with Piranha fish, don't expect them to go on a diet, Lu Lu."--Good line.
Exciting story, though they should have killed each other. I wasn't sure how it would end. Best of luck in the contest. Ray.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Ray. I am glad you liked it...Bob
Comment from fastdigits
Well, I see you haven't missed a
beat since last I read one of your
tales. You set up the characters
beautifully with visual descriptions
that take the reader right into the
story, and then your descriptions of
the locale where the attempted hit
is going to take place, the killer,
on parole, the car, and then the struggle
in the attempted kiss which transfixes the
reader and casts him right in the middle
of this life and death struggle.
As always, masterfully executed.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
|
Well, I see you haven't missed a
beat since last I read one of your
tales. You set up the characters
beautifully with visual descriptions
that take the reader right into the
story, and then your descriptions of
the locale where the attempted hit
is going to take place, the killer,
on parole, the car, and then the struggle
in the attempted kiss which transfixes the
reader and casts him right in the middle
of this life and death struggle.
As always, masterfully executed.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
-
Well, thanks so much, digits...I certainly appreciate your comments and review very much. Take care, Bob
Comment from Cairn Destop
For a moment, I was thinking all this background information on the main character so much fluff. Then at the end you tied the material together in an unexpected manner. Well done story and the ending, though good, left this story open for a later expansion.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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For a moment, I was thinking all this background information on the main character so much fluff. Then at the end you tied the material together in an unexpected manner. Well done story and the ending, though good, left this story open for a later expansion.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Cairn. So good to hear from you. You know I appreciate your reviews very much...Bob
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Bob,
Well you drew me right into your strong character story, with a very surprised ending. I like you story even if it was long
I did see a few nits that I believe you should look at-
He thought about the job he'd been paid for. His holstered ((Glock)) 9mm vibrated on ( clock ) and you have it in another place( for some reason I cannot find where it is, but it there some where in your story.
His was a thick face with eyes too closely spaced, a bony nose marked by enlarged pores and thin, pale-pink lips
Bob how would it sound if you say the following--
a bony nose marked by enlarged pores,thin, pale and pink lips
Bob, take out one of the commas
Blood, flesh,,and brain shot out, some spattered her as she jerked away.
Her arm was bleeding ((bad.)) (badly)?
The best to you in this difficult contest
Gert
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Hello Bob,
Well you drew me right into your strong character story, with a very surprised ending. I like you story even if it was long
I did see a few nits that I believe you should look at-
He thought about the job he'd been paid for. His holstered ((Glock)) 9mm vibrated on ( clock ) and you have it in another place( for some reason I cannot find where it is, but it there some where in your story.
His was a thick face with eyes too closely spaced, a bony nose marked by enlarged pores and thin, pale-pink lips
Bob how would it sound if you say the following--
a bony nose marked by enlarged pores,thin, pale and pink lips
Bob, take out one of the commas
Blood, flesh,,and brain shot out, some spattered her as she jerked away.
Her arm was bleeding ((bad.)) (badly)?
The best to you in this difficult contest
Gert
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and give suggestions...I do appreciate that so much, Gert. I couldn't find "Glock in two palces either? What do you mean by "clock" Thanks again...Bob
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Hi Bob wht I mean when I saw the word Glock)
I just wondered if you meant-- clock-- not Glock
Gert
Comment from GCSTroop
Excellent story, excellent prose and excellent job! The only minor complaint I have is that there were just a few typos, however that is nothing to really stress about seeing as we're all human.
Good luck to you in the contest!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Excellent story, excellent prose and excellent job! The only minor complaint I have is that there were just a few typos, however that is nothing to really stress about seeing as we're all human.
Good luck to you in the contest!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, GCS...Next time be sure to point a few out as that's the only way I can make it right...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from Si Brown
I loved this story. It grabbed me from the off, and the ending left me wanting more!
I love the line "world of ultra-sophisticated peek-a-boo"! What a super way to describe the lifestyle!
Well done!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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I loved this story. It grabbed me from the off, and the ending left me wanting more!
I love the line "world of ultra-sophisticated peek-a-boo"! What a super way to describe the lifestyle!
Well done!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Si. I will be watching for your work also in the future. Bob (Mastery)
Comment from wierdgrace
perfect and wonderful for this contest, and I loved the way you helped us understand the structure of the character in the portriat, good luck in the contest, I found no errors and no revisions.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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perfect and wonderful for this contest, and I loved the way you helped us understand the structure of the character in the portriat, good luck in the contest, I found no errors and no revisions.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Grace...Bless you and I intend to watch for your work also...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from bc1yax
most enjoyable - you had me by the first sentence - this short story was so smooth - the characters I hated both killers but they felt alive to me - no bumps to slow the story down - I will read more -
bc1yax
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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most enjoyable - you had me by the first sentence - this short story was so smooth - the characters I hated both killers but they felt alive to me - no bumps to slow the story down - I will read more -
bc1yax
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks again, bc. You are always so kind...Bob
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very interesting and gripping. Is this the beginning of a novel? I see this is a contest entry, but I would like to read more.
Deciding long ago that her
learned long ago that if you wanted
"Says who, Gary?" Sounds like the bullshit machine is working overtime again. (Is this all dialogue? If so the " needs to be to the end.)
so that she was carrying him (You don't need the that.)
deal coming up before the first though. (This read rough, maybe a comma after first.)
vibrated on the seat next to him. (seat beside him.) I'm not sure a holstered Glock can vibrate, can it?)
darkness next to the dresser and ( darkness beside the dresser.)
know that when you (Again with the that.)
arrogance that you feel at (That, not needed.)
down next to the body,(down beside the body.)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Very interesting and gripping. Is this the beginning of a novel? I see this is a contest entry, but I would like to read more.
Deciding long ago that her
learned long ago that if you wanted
"Says who, Gary?" Sounds like the bullshit machine is working overtime again. (Is this all dialogue? If so the " needs to be to the end.)
so that she was carrying him (You don't need the that.)
deal coming up before the first though. (This read rough, maybe a comma after first.)
vibrated on the seat next to him. (seat beside him.) I'm not sure a holstered Glock can vibrate, can it?)
darkness next to the dresser and ( darkness beside the dresser.)
know that when you (Again with the that.)
arrogance that you feel at (That, not needed.)
down next to the body,(down beside the body.)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thanks for all the tips, Barb. They are very much appreciated....Bob
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Bob...this is an outstanding story and one I enjoyed from the first line to the last. The ending surprised me (isn't that what all good writers want?) I never would have guessed the assassin was her father....what a twist that is! You developed your characters well and the imagery is so good that I felt like I was seeing the story in a movie....excellent. Good luck in the contest...me thinks you have written a winner.....M
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Hi Bob...this is an outstanding story and one I enjoyed from the first line to the last. The ending surprised me (isn't that what all good writers want?) I never would have guessed the assassin was her father....what a twist that is! You developed your characters well and the imagery is so good that I felt like I was seeing the story in a movie....excellent. Good luck in the contest...me thinks you have written a winner.....M
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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I could kiss you! I worked on this for the past foour weeks...wa sready to give it up three times! LOL..Thanks so much, Marilyn for the review and the great six! XX Bob
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Your are most welcome...I shall take your virtual kiss (grin)
