Double Trouble
Su Lin is a hired killer.60 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Another winner!!! Your imagination is like a mill that can't stop grinding.
This was so fantastically set up with her background. Then his introduction into the story aroused the mystery. It was when she took the mask off him that it popped into my mind, "It's her father." I don't know why? From his stranglehold on her until the final shot your narrative regarding their struggles, was supremely detailed. And then the final surprise. My God Bob, this was something else...
"I'm sorry Momma, I didn't have any choice." None of us know, when we open our eyes in the morning, whether we will have the chance to close them at day's end to sleep or have them shut forever."..great line
and then
"I need to know who sent you," she whispered to the man on the floor.
This begs for a sequence.
xx Ralf (it's not a dupe, I made a correction.)
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Another winner!!! Your imagination is like a mill that can't stop grinding.
This was so fantastically set up with her background. Then his introduction into the story aroused the mystery. It was when she took the mask off him that it popped into my mind, "It's her father." I don't know why? From his stranglehold on her until the final shot your narrative regarding their struggles, was supremely detailed. And then the final surprise. My God Bob, this was something else...
"I'm sorry Momma, I didn't have any choice." None of us know, when we open our eyes in the morning, whether we will have the chance to close them at day's end to sleep or have them shut forever."..great line
and then
"I need to know who sent you," she whispered to the man on the floor.
This begs for a sequence.
xx Ralf (it's not a dupe, I made a correction.)
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Thank you for the wonderful six-star review,
I wish I could remember all that I have written, but I don't unfortunately. It rings a bell, but not good enough to remark. LOL : ) Bob
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When you get time, eventually, you should go back and read some of the first prize stories that you wrote. How about the books of shorts that Jeffrey Archer produced?
:)Ralf
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Hi Ralf. I don't for see having time to read anything until this book is done sometime next year. : ) Thanks tho. Bob
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Yes, I can see that. You will stay the course.:)Ralf
Comment from EXMAN. nffc
Indeed, none of us do. One heck of a battle. Both inner and outer. I felt you spent a little too much time telling at the start , but then you had to set the scene fast and I'm not privy to any word restrictions you may have had.
Call me sexist but I just don't credit women with the ability to do waht she did and certainly not in the last moments of consciousness as she was.
Great story and deserving of its accolades.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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Indeed, none of us do. One heck of a battle. Both inner and outer. I felt you spent a little too much time telling at the start , but then you had to set the scene fast and I'm not privy to any word restrictions you may have had.
Call me sexist but I just don't credit women with the ability to do waht she did and certainly not in the last moments of consciousness as she was.
Great story and deserving of its accolades.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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Thanks, exman...times they are a changing...Ever read a book by John Sanford? One of his characters is an abused young woman who turns hit gal. LOL...thanks for your thoughtful review, exman...Bob
Comment from Annmuma
WOW - I didn't see that coming! Real suspense, with lots of imagery and a good story imbedded in all of it. I love the authors notes. Your story is well-written and I saw no obvious spag.
However, besides wanting me to enjoy the read, I'm going to assume you want any suggestions. I think you and I share a tendency to "tell" more than we need to. It is a constant battle I fight in my writing. I know that the written word is more powerful when it produces the pictures I want my readers to see rather than just tell them what those pictures should be.
I have a couple of suggestions below as to how I think your story would be even better. However, it is your story and already well done without my input, so use them or don't as you see fit. Again, thanks for bringing this story to my attention. ann
Working as a fortuneteller and medium in her shop downtown, --Suggest: Eliminate "working" and begin this sentence with "As".
Having a good sense of humor, she could be funny, and then turn serious on a dime, stroke egos and still get her message --Suggest: Eliminate "Having a good sense of humor" and begin the sentence with "She could be funny".
anyone looking to piss on her shoes. --good imagery.
then make love to the scotch bottle --I like this picture sentence.
She dug at the rope with her strong fingers but it was so imbedded in her skin that there was no space left to get a grip -- Suggest: Eliminate "it was so imbedded in her skine that". The sentence might read more powerful as: She dug at the rope with her strong fingeers, but there was no space to get a grip."
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2009
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WOW - I didn't see that coming! Real suspense, with lots of imagery and a good story imbedded in all of it. I love the authors notes. Your story is well-written and I saw no obvious spag.
However, besides wanting me to enjoy the read, I'm going to assume you want any suggestions. I think you and I share a tendency to "tell" more than we need to. It is a constant battle I fight in my writing. I know that the written word is more powerful when it produces the pictures I want my readers to see rather than just tell them what those pictures should be.
I have a couple of suggestions below as to how I think your story would be even better. However, it is your story and already well done without my input, so use them or don't as you see fit. Again, thanks for bringing this story to my attention. ann
Working as a fortuneteller and medium in her shop downtown, --Suggest: Eliminate "working" and begin this sentence with "As".
Having a good sense of humor, she could be funny, and then turn serious on a dime, stroke egos and still get her message --Suggest: Eliminate "Having a good sense of humor" and begin the sentence with "She could be funny".
anyone looking to piss on her shoes. --good imagery.
then make love to the scotch bottle --I like this picture sentence.
She dug at the rope with her strong fingers but it was so imbedded in her skin that there was no space left to get a grip -- Suggest: Eliminate "it was so imbedded in her skine that". The sentence might read more powerful as: She dug at the rope with her strong fingeers, but there was no space to get a grip."
Comment Written 11-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2009
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Thanks for taking the time and your suggestions, Ann...I am most appreciative....Bob
Comment from Foster
Hey Bob,
I thought this was a wonderful story a lot of mystery. Nice build up to a very suppressing end. I never consider my self qualified to review another's writers' work. However, the only thing that seemed unnecessary to me was the detailed description of the house. For me it was kind of intermission from the plot. I would take this further write a series of short stories about the protagonist until you are ready to kill her.
Warm regards,
Richard
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Hey Bob,
I thought this was a wonderful story a lot of mystery. Nice build up to a very suppressing end. I never consider my self qualified to review another's writers' work. However, the only thing that seemed unnecessary to me was the detailed description of the house. For me it was kind of intermission from the plot. I would take this further write a series of short stories about the protagonist until you are ready to kill her.
Warm regards,
Richard
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Well thankyou so much Foster...I am so glad you took the time and I will consider your remarks...Bob
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I wanted to read more but the internet here is going crazy. Slower then I have ever remember it. I will do more tomorrow.
Richard
Comment from Amfunny
Wow, I certainly can see why you won this contest. Deservingly so. This is a very good story with a very strong character. You get a strong sense of her personality and who she is. Very well done. Congrats also.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2009
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Wow, I certainly can see why you won this contest. Deservingly so. This is a very good story with a very strong character. You get a strong sense of her personality and who she is. Very well done. Congrats also.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, funny. I appreciate you taking the time to read this...Bob
Comment from Adri7enne
Good story,with a great twist. Strong characterization. Good dialogue, and well written action scenes. I can see why you won the contest. Congratulations. Well done!
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2009
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Good story,with a great twist. Strong characterization. Good dialogue, and well written action scenes. I can see why you won the contest. Congratulations. Well done!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Adri7enne. I appr4eciate your comments and your time...Bob
Comment from Julie G
Oh, boy. Is this ever you at your best. I loved this story. Was too interested to see if anything was wrong or not. Does not matter. My, you are a great story teller, dear Bob. I would give you six if I could, but five will have to suffice. May rejoin come the fall.
Julie G
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2009
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Oh, boy. Is this ever you at your best. I loved this story. Was too interested to see if anything was wrong or not. Does not matter. My, you are a great story teller, dear Bob. I would give you six if I could, but five will have to suffice. May rejoin come the fall.
Julie G
Comment Written 29-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2009
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Thanks Julie...I am so glad you liked this one..Will be glad to see you back...Take care...Bob
Comment from rama devi
Congratulations on winning the contest!!!!!
I'd read this one, but at the time did not have sufficient time to review it in depth.
Just want to say BRAVO, KUDOS and great story,deserving of the win.
Warmly,
rama devi
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2009
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Congratulations on winning the contest!!!!!
I'd read this one, but at the time did not have sufficient time to review it in depth.
Just want to say BRAVO, KUDOS and great story,deserving of the win.
Warmly,
rama devi
Comment Written 27-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, rama...I am glad to hear from you. You are so sweet. Bob
Comment from Begin Again
Mastery..
Congratulations on winning the contest.
You have written a very entertaining and spell bounding story.
You could carry your character through a book. Killing her dad without remorse...well, maybe a touch. was tremendous.
I really enjoyed your story.
Well done. Carol
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2009
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Mastery..
Congratulations on winning the contest.
You have written a very entertaining and spell bounding story.
You could carry your character through a book. Killing her dad without remorse...well, maybe a touch. was tremendous.
I really enjoyed your story.
Well done. Carol
Comment Written 27-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2009
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Well, thankyou, Carol...I do appreciate that so much....Bob
Comment from prodigal
Sometimes when i review I will point out the parts of the story that i really liked. This wasn't really practical for this one. I was drawn into the characters right away. this was just an amazing piece of work here. it really could have been expanded into a novel if you so chose.
su lin is a pretty complete character. she is vicious and you let the reader know why. it was amazing having her father be the hit man. i like the idea of that being a family trait. her mother's character was explained well.
fight scenes are sometimes difficult to read. this wasnt the case here. i'm somewhat tempted to hold off on this review till saturday when i get more six stars, just know i think it is amazing and if it turns up in the story of the month contest it will probably get my vote.
sorry it took me so long to read it. i've been pretty busy lately, my friend. great work- sam
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Sometimes when i review I will point out the parts of the story that i really liked. This wasn't really practical for this one. I was drawn into the characters right away. this was just an amazing piece of work here. it really could have been expanded into a novel if you so chose.
su lin is a pretty complete character. she is vicious and you let the reader know why. it was amazing having her father be the hit man. i like the idea of that being a family trait. her mother's character was explained well.
fight scenes are sometimes difficult to read. this wasnt the case here. i'm somewhat tempted to hold off on this review till saturday when i get more six stars, just know i think it is amazing and if it turns up in the story of the month contest it will probably get my vote.
sorry it took me so long to read it. i've been pretty busy lately, my friend. great work- sam
Comment Written 23-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009
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Sam you are very generous and encouraging. Thank you so much...Yur friend Bob (Semper Fi)
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Any others you'd like me to take a peek at? I have a little more time tonight.
By the way I hyper linked my songs in my profile. If you get a chance click on "whenever it rains" or "By the way" .... If you like country music.
Have you considered expanding this story? it really is good. I think the only other author on this site i have read that writes the action sequences as well as you is fredcollingwood. ... at least that i've read.
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Hi, Sam...You are so kind. Yes, My personal favorite is "The Interview" Surprise endings are my thing...Also one called "The Faithful" if you have time...Thanks again Sam...Let me know if there's one you want me to look at too...Bob (I'll look that music up..)
