Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Death in the Family"Some bloodlines run very deep.
17 total reviews
Comment from Vladilynn
Hello Steve!
I've enjoyed reading this one while at work just I didn't able to leave a comment...well always a well written of course. There are only few scenes that I got curious..Is the place they went to spree is different from the Wishes Resort? The location description make me lost!Loll Oh!! Well~
But I loved the description of the food and spas!! Wow!! You know how to spoil women!! Nice!! The massage treat and the masseurs! Hmmm...nice muscular sexy!
And who poison Linda!!! Chuck!!!?? Hmmm will be waiting for the next one!!!
Thank you for sharing
Love much
Lynn ( ^ ____________ < )
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Hello Steve!
I've enjoyed reading this one while at work just I didn't able to leave a comment...well always a well written of course. There are only few scenes that I got curious..Is the place they went to spree is different from the Wishes Resort? The location description make me lost!Loll Oh!! Well~
But I loved the description of the food and spas!! Wow!! You know how to spoil women!! Nice!! The massage treat and the masseurs! Hmmm...nice muscular sexy!
And who poison Linda!!! Chuck!!!?? Hmmm will be waiting for the next one!!!
Thank you for sharing
Love much
Lynn ( ^ ____________ < )
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Lynn for your wonderful review! The Blue Moon is in the resort, but it's up on the 40th floor. It's a ritzy place! The poison mystery will soon be solved, but it promises to leave another cliff hanger in its wake, LOL.
Comment from Sasha
It clearly has to be someone they know, someone on the plane. Now you have me concerned that there is someone close the all of them that obviously has an agenda. Great chapter, but with the new twist I anxiously wait for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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It clearly has to be someone they know, someone on the plane. Now you have me concerned that there is someone close the all of them that obviously has an agenda. Great chapter, but with the new twist I anxiously wait for the next chapter.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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An agenda is right on! You're right, it's someone on the plane. The next chapter will reveal who, but in its wake will be another cliffhanger, LOL. Thank you so much for your wonderful review! :)
Comment from K-Patrick
Very good chapter (I know I offered a lot in this review - you know that's just me). I enjoyed the entire piece, even though I did feel that Brook, and Lori to an extent, dove into the night life far too quickly following the ordeal. Still it was done very well. The detail and dialogue were good.
Here's my offerings (I just left work so they might be a little rough, I'm not in writing mode.)
Sharp fangs shot out over the top of his lip. -- I don't think the picture I am getting makes sense. -- from beneath his top lip?
Lori sprung from the couch and rushed out to greet her. -- Almost knocking Stan to the floor??
"Sound good? Sounds [better than]perfect! Let's go."
"Ah, yeah, maybe a little. How about pouring us a glass of wine." -- No food, light on the platelet count, wine a good idea?
they toasted and said "Cheers." -- Maybe add "There's no place like home" then "Cheers"??
Lori said as she eyed the two stunning Chippendales - Well they aren't really Chippies are they, maybe consider Chippendale clones??
Brook said to Jim as she stepped [settled?] in next to him
The Blue Moon was a short walk down a few stairs. -- Almost sounds like it's part of the suite. -- two floors below? - I seem to recall you mentioned that Stan/Lori lived the floor above something in a previous chapter.
The world famous restaurant -- Brooke never heard of it. It's in the same building she's been living and it's world famous. You would think just the number of patrons coming and going would have peeked her curiosity. -- possibly make it an exclusive restaurant/lounge??
Her eyes grew large as she swallowed hard. -- I think everyone knows Stan is not a prick, so I think the swallowing hard is unrealistic. I offer: Her eyes grew large as she rushed forward overly eager to be of assistance. "Good evening, Mr. Stan. Please, sit anywhere you want."
She has no idea who we [you] are. -- We makes Lori sound arrogant and conceded.
A salad cart was passed around -- passed?? Wheeled??
Great hook at the end. Was Lori? Or Jim? Maybe even a very clever Stan?
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Very good chapter (I know I offered a lot in this review - you know that's just me). I enjoyed the entire piece, even though I did feel that Brook, and Lori to an extent, dove into the night life far too quickly following the ordeal. Still it was done very well. The detail and dialogue were good.
Here's my offerings (I just left work so they might be a little rough, I'm not in writing mode.)
Sharp fangs shot out over the top of his lip. -- I don't think the picture I am getting makes sense. -- from beneath his top lip?
Lori sprung from the couch and rushed out to greet her. -- Almost knocking Stan to the floor??
"Sound good? Sounds [better than]perfect! Let's go."
"Ah, yeah, maybe a little. How about pouring us a glass of wine." -- No food, light on the platelet count, wine a good idea?
they toasted and said "Cheers." -- Maybe add "There's no place like home" then "Cheers"??
Lori said as she eyed the two stunning Chippendales - Well they aren't really Chippies are they, maybe consider Chippendale clones??
Brook said to Jim as she stepped [settled?] in next to him
The Blue Moon was a short walk down a few stairs. -- Almost sounds like it's part of the suite. -- two floors below? - I seem to recall you mentioned that Stan/Lori lived the floor above something in a previous chapter.
The world famous restaurant -- Brooke never heard of it. It's in the same building she's been living and it's world famous. You would think just the number of patrons coming and going would have peeked her curiosity. -- possibly make it an exclusive restaurant/lounge??
Her eyes grew large as she swallowed hard. -- I think everyone knows Stan is not a prick, so I think the swallowing hard is unrealistic. I offer: Her eyes grew large as she rushed forward overly eager to be of assistance. "Good evening, Mr. Stan. Please, sit anywhere you want."
She has no idea who we [you] are. -- We makes Lori sound arrogant and conceded.
A salad cart was passed around -- passed?? Wheeled??
Great hook at the end. Was Lori? Or Jim? Maybe even a very clever Stan?
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and thought provoking review. You ALWAYS have such incredible suggestions and ideas that help me see things differently. I will use most if not all of them in the next release. Usually it takes me a few days to go over your good points and get them into the story, but what a difference they make and they always keep me thinking. :) Thank you!!!
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All your points were good as ever, but this one especially and required more urgent attention ...
No food, light on the platelet count, wine a good idea?
Good catch there -- thanks! Here's a sample of the revisions made, but overall every suggestion you gave was used.
â??Ah, yeah, maybe a little. How about pouring us a glass of orange juice and bringing a couple hard boiled eggs.â??
Stan went into the kitchen and filled two long stem glasses with fresh orange juice. He set the glasses down on the table next to where the girls rested their tired feet. â??Here you go, ladies.â??
â??Thank you, hon.â?? They both grabbed their glass and held it up as Lori made a toast. â??Here's to thereâ??s no place like home.â?? They clanked their glasses together and said â??Cheers.â??
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I read the chapter again and although the wine works better romantically, I think the OJ is more realistic after the ordeal.
The world famous restaurant twinkled like an emerald star forty floors up and overlooked the immense resort --- would 'overlooking' be more appropriate?
I didn't mention the length, because it read well and the length wasn't an issue. The information flowed nicely.
Very good chapter.
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Good point as always. I'll fix that. Thanks again. Due to the holiday, I was able to sneak in another chapter. It's shorter and cleary different than all the rest. :) The next chapter will be out today.
Comment from Tellis
another awesome chapter here and the descriptions are excellent. I think the story is moving along quite well. Keep up the great work.
Tellis
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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another awesome chapter here and the descriptions are excellent. I think the story is moving along quite well. Keep up the great work.
Tellis
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Tellis for your continuous support, encouragement and wonderful review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. :)
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Steve, I thought this was a terrific chapter. You used the senses well and even fitted in some chocolate mousse dessert. Bravo. We'll all be fat before long. lol. This is definately a very descriptive chapter and I enjoyed the intrigue and emotion you conveyed. I also enjoyed the view across the Atlantic. Good visuals - if you keep looking you'd see Cape Town's lights shimmering across the waves. Lovely write - therefore 6 glittering stats.
Not certain about the following. Perhaps you can just scan over them.
I just don't understand what could have (went)[gone??] wrong
Masseuse = female massager
Masseur = male
Behind the hostesses [not quite sure here but think it should be hostess' unless you're in the plural] desk the wall
Well written. luv jada
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Hi Steve, I thought this was a terrific chapter. You used the senses well and even fitted in some chocolate mousse dessert. Bravo. We'll all be fat before long. lol. This is definately a very descriptive chapter and I enjoyed the intrigue and emotion you conveyed. I also enjoyed the view across the Atlantic. Good visuals - if you keep looking you'd see Cape Town's lights shimmering across the waves. Lovely write - therefore 6 glittering stats.
Not certain about the following. Perhaps you can just scan over them.
I just don't understand what could have (went)[gone??] wrong
Masseuse = female massager
Masseur = male
Behind the hostesses [not quite sure here but think it should be hostess' unless you're in the plural] desk the wall
Well written. luv jada
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Wow! Jada! A SIX STAR GLITTERING REVIEW. Thank you so much. I'm extremely pleased that you enjoyed reading this latest chapter so much. Thank you also for your excellent suggestions. I have used them and can't thank you enough. You made my day. :) Looking out across the Atlantic for those glimmering lights.
Comment from Deejharrington
No, I don't think it was too long at all. The part with the massages and bubble baths, could have gone on and on and on...where was I? Oh, yes the story. It was a fun chapter, except for poor Linda. You ended on a suspense note, of poising. Who could have done it?
Can't wait for the next chapter.
deb
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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No, I don't think it was too long at all. The part with the massages and bubble baths, could have gone on and on and on...where was I? Oh, yes the story. It was a fun chapter, except for poor Linda. You ended on a suspense note, of poising. Who could have done it?
Can't wait for the next chapter.
deb
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Deb. I hold a special spot in my heart for reviews like yours and can't tell you how good it is to read that you didn't think the chapter was too long. Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging review. The next chapter will be suspenseful as Stan tracks down who did it.
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I review like I see 'em! Well, most of the time. If its really, really bad, those authors don't know me at all!!!
thank you for appreciating. I think some authors don't even bother to take a look, don't care.
Thank you,
deb
Comment from Jonez08
****rerating review
Quite an eventful chapter, Steve. I starts and end with a bang. Linda's death is shocking and the cyanide is even more shocking. Nice night out for the two couples, although you may have added a little too much details regarding the food, it left me hungry from all the delicious descriptions. I look forward to the next chapter.
Cassandra
She turned her head and glanced (over) toward Brook
(not needed)
I hooked her up to an IV(;) (and) she seems to be responding well.
(remove 'and')
She stroked her fingers through his hair(,) trying to comfort him.
Can I have a little nip(maybe)later?
(suggest removing maybe or add comma after nip)
Do you like listening to soft jazz while eating delicious foods and drinking vintage wines and liquors?"
(Steve, you know how to have a good time)
Everyone (started filing) out of the plane.
(remove passive>>try filed)
Stan (walked up to) the doctor.
(consider: Stan approached the doctor)
Stan turned (around) and noticed Lori and Brook standing behind him.
(not needed)
Well, are we ready(,) girls?
Lori spun around(,) while wrapping her arms around
herself.
(nice visual)
having the best tasting seafood and most tender steaks (the world over), (it carried) a price tag to match.
(in the world) (with a price tag to match)
Everything was included from appetizer to salad to meal in one price. Even the drinks were included.
(The price included the appetizers, salads, entrees and drinks.)
Stan and Jim stood (up) and helped them in their seats.
(not needed, to stand means up)
There's one(,)" Brook yelled(out).
(out not needed)
Here you (go)(,) ladies."
(Here you are, ladies."
The steady sound of waves crashing (on) the shore was almost hypnotic and very relaxing.
(onto)
Then she won't be tripping over herself to impress us(,)" Stan replied.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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****rerating review
Quite an eventful chapter, Steve. I starts and end with a bang. Linda's death is shocking and the cyanide is even more shocking. Nice night out for the two couples, although you may have added a little too much details regarding the food, it left me hungry from all the delicious descriptions. I look forward to the next chapter.
Cassandra
She turned her head and glanced (over) toward Brook
(not needed)
I hooked her up to an IV(;) (and) she seems to be responding well.
(remove 'and')
She stroked her fingers through his hair(,) trying to comfort him.
Can I have a little nip(maybe)later?
(suggest removing maybe or add comma after nip)
Do you like listening to soft jazz while eating delicious foods and drinking vintage wines and liquors?"
(Steve, you know how to have a good time)
Everyone (started filing) out of the plane.
(remove passive>>try filed)
Stan (walked up to) the doctor.
(consider: Stan approached the doctor)
Stan turned (around) and noticed Lori and Brook standing behind him.
(not needed)
Well, are we ready(,) girls?
Lori spun around(,) while wrapping her arms around
herself.
(nice visual)
having the best tasting seafood and most tender steaks (the world over), (it carried) a price tag to match.
(in the world) (with a price tag to match)
Everything was included from appetizer to salad to meal in one price. Even the drinks were included.
(The price included the appetizers, salads, entrees and drinks.)
Stan and Jim stood (up) and helped them in their seats.
(not needed, to stand means up)
There's one(,)" Brook yelled(out).
(out not needed)
Here you (go)(,) ladies."
(Here you are, ladies."
The steady sound of waves crashing (on) the shore was almost hypnotic and very relaxing.
(onto)
Then she won't be tripping over herself to impress us(,)" Stan replied.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Cassandra for your encouraging and very helpful review. I have used every one of your excellent suggestions and the chapter reads much better now. For some reason I kept wanting to describe that food and atmosphere so well that we could actually be there in our minds. I know I can do better descriptions with more practice. Thanks again! :)
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Hi Steve, you are welcome. I've changed your rating. Excellent chapter. If you write the food any better, I'll eat my computer...lol. Take care
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Hi Steve, you are welcome. I've changed your rating. Excellent chapter. If you write the food any better, I'll eat my computer...lol. Take care
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Thank you so much Cassandra! You're funny too and I appreciate your thoughts. :)
Steve
