Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Death in the Family"Some bloodlines run very deep.
17 total reviews
Comment from Amyna
I usually do not like vampire stories, but thoroughly enjoyed yours! Particularly liked the vivid descriptions of the places and food. Your descriptive powers are fantastic.
"while they kissed... the night" - how can that be possible if they left two hours later?
Couple hours is repeated.
"lights shined like tiny beacons" - should it be "shone"?
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2009
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I usually do not like vampire stories, but thoroughly enjoyed yours! Particularly liked the vivid descriptions of the places and food. Your descriptive powers are fantastic.
"while they kissed... the night" - how can that be possible if they left two hours later?
Couple hours is repeated.
"lights shined like tiny beacons" - should it be "shone"?
Comment Written 19-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2009
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Wow! Thank you so much for your incredible review. A SIXER, that warms even Stan's heart, LOL. Your review is very touching, especially since you said you usually don't like vampire stories. Wow.
Thank you also for your helpful suggestions. I used them all. Here is a snippet of a re-written piece ...
Jim and Stan stood and held out their hands, gently helping their dates to their feet. They escorted them to the dance floor where a few other couples danced. As the smooth rhythm of the next jazz ballad began, the lights dimmed and brought everyone closer. Lori locked her wrists behind Stanā??s neck and brought her lips up to his in a deep and loving kiss. He wrapped his arms around her waist and they slowly glided across the dance floor while they kissed and their heartbeats became one. Looking over toward Brook, Lori noticed the two of them doing the same thing.
After a couple hours they left the restaurant and strolled outside to the pier where they took a seat on a bench and gazed up at the stars.
Thanks again!
Comment from Lastamen
Not having read the previous chapters it is difficult to assess value and worth to the characters that are presented in this chapter.
It then must stand on its own merits.
The flow and pace of this chapter is good but is somewhat confusing in transition from the doctor's office to the plane ride and the sensual exchange of the principles. Where are they exactly on this craft? Is it a private plane? (this may have been introduced in the previous chapter)Is this a dream sequence?
Immediately on the heels of their landing there is a knock at the door and it is Brook (of whom it was revealed just 8 hours prior was near death herself) was she on the plane ride back home?
As I have said, without the benefit of the previous chapters I am at a loss. I will certainly have to read the other chapters.
Till the last amen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Not having read the previous chapters it is difficult to assess value and worth to the characters that are presented in this chapter.
It then must stand on its own merits.
The flow and pace of this chapter is good but is somewhat confusing in transition from the doctor's office to the plane ride and the sensual exchange of the principles. Where are they exactly on this craft? Is it a private plane? (this may have been introduced in the previous chapter)Is this a dream sequence?
Immediately on the heels of their landing there is a knock at the door and it is Brook (of whom it was revealed just 8 hours prior was near death herself) was she on the plane ride back home?
As I have said, without the benefit of the previous chapters I am at a loss. I will certainly have to read the other chapters.
Till the last amen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much for your review.
Comment from Summer Falls
Ohhh, I liked the erotic scene with the feeding. lol.
Okay, there was a lot in this chapter, intrigue, death, and at the end--mystery of what the heck? Poisoning? Who? Why? Dang--it had to be someone on the plane!
Other than a bit of missing punctuation (mostly commas)this was very well written. It had a nice balance of narration and dialogue.
Good luck in the contest.
summergirl
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Ohhh, I liked the erotic scene with the feeding. lol.
Okay, there was a lot in this chapter, intrigue, death, and at the end--mystery of what the heck? Poisoning? Who? Why? Dang--it had to be someone on the plane!
Other than a bit of missing punctuation (mostly commas)this was very well written. It had a nice balance of narration and dialogue.
Good luck in the contest.
summergirl
Comment Written 12-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2009
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Thank you summergirl so much. In chapter 28 there is another hot couple paragraphs at the end you might like as well. Thanks again.
Steve
Comment from babylonia
steve,
it is definitely a little long. LOL what kind of metabolism does these girls have? i want one. if i ate all that food all the time i would weigh 300 pounds. LOL nicely done. so now we know. easy to read and follow. some spaggies.
"It's Brook(period)"
Well, are we ready. (change the period to comma) girls?
A waitress walked by with a plate full of sis (shish) kabobs loaded
with twinkling bright stars scatter (change scatter to scattered) across it.
Kelly returned with a couple (add of) helpers to pass around the wine glasses
my guess is someone will clue her into the fact she's waiting on the boss.
imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2009
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steve,
it is definitely a little long. LOL what kind of metabolism does these girls have? i want one. if i ate all that food all the time i would weigh 300 pounds. LOL nicely done. so now we know. easy to read and follow. some spaggies.
"It's Brook(period)"
Well, are we ready. (change the period to comma) girls?
A waitress walked by with a plate full of sis (shish) kabobs loaded
with twinkling bright stars scatter (change scatter to scattered) across it.
Kelly returned with a couple (add of) helpers to pass around the wine glasses
my guess is someone will clue her into the fact she's waiting on the boss.
imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara
Comment Written 07-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful and very helpful review Barbara. I'm surprised you found so much! You really are a good editor. Their metabolism is fast, it is a side effect of the venom. The origianl idea for this actually came from another movie titled "Defending Your Life". In the movie the food was the best they tasted anywhere and they never gained weight. I liked that so much it's become a part of my stories. Thanks again! :)
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steve,
i like it too. the fact they can eat and eat and never gain ... i'm jealous. LOL seriously, i understand. it's the reason i like the movie thinner. LOL it's no fun when it's happening to you but when you are trying to lose ... great job and i can't wait to read the other chapter.
love,
barbara
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Thank you so much. Your helpful edits are already in. I have learned the hard way that the longer the chapter, the less reviews I get. It's been a real struggle to get fourteen reviews, LOL. Thanks again!
Steve
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that's what i learned the hard way as well. occasionally i will slip a long one in like the fanstory summer camp contest. it actually made all time best BUT that is very very rare. for me anyway. so i try to keep it to 1500 or less if i can. funny cause i was reading a short story book by stephen king. he had several over 100 pages. LOL you know that would never fly on fanstory if he was just a beginner like the rest of us. :P
love,
barbara
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LOL, 100 pages, those would be like mountains here. That's so nice that you won the contest. No matter what, you'll always have that. I saw your friend on the cover of a few magazines lately. Stephen has a new book out. Where does that guy get the energy! Take care.
Steve
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steve,
he has no children living at home. he gets paid good money for his work. he doesn't need fanstory or any other website to help build him up to face down editors and fans. so in other words no one bugs him about his writing except to tell him to write more. he doesn't have to worry about the bills so he can take his time. he doesn't watch a lot of tv from what i understand BUT reads a lot. he is a devout self proclaimed workaholic. at one point i was writing well on my own. then my computer crashed and i moved to a whole 'nother part of the state. my heart sunk. i couldn't get back into it. i have since finished that book. i know when i was single, even working or in school, writing came easily. but then again, no one was reading it either. i want to meet him during his book tour. glad you reminded me. i need to bug his editor again. LOL
love,
barbara
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Well, I sure do envy him for having the time and money to live his dream which in a way allows him to continue to live the dream. I heard that he likes to read too, and who knows, he might be here reading and could be one of those views with no reviews. He has a gift.
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someone else has mentioned that to me especially when i am writing books about him. only time will tell. i just checked into the book tour. i could only find out about his stop in nyc. you had to get tickets and they were $30 each. of course they are sold out. sigh.
Comment from angel of the quill
wonderful descriptions
and a great twist in the middle and end
good work though it is longer i didnt notice
but enjoyed it all
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009
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wonderful descriptions
and a great twist in the middle and end
good work though it is longer i didnt notice
but enjoyed it all
Comment Written 06-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review! :)
Comment from *erin*
Dang, great chapter, as usual. You always keep me guessing. Of course Lori couldn't have died from natural causes; that would be too simple. Can't wait to read the next chapter. Great writing.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009
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Dang, great chapter, as usual. You always keep me guessing. Of course Lori couldn't have died from natural causes; that would be too simple. Can't wait to read the next chapter. Great writing.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much! :)
Comment from jlsavell
Nightwriter, I have been wanting to give you a six for a long time. for I do feel this novel is worth every star. The preceding chapter was such a cliff hanger and this one obnce again leaves one asking..what, what what??? As always another great chapter my wonderful friend..jimi
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2009
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Nightwriter, I have been wanting to give you a six for a long time. for I do feel this novel is worth every star. The preceding chapter was such a cliff hanger and this one obnce again leaves one asking..what, what what??? As always another great chapter my wonderful friend..jimi
Comment Written 05-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2009
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Wow! A SIXER! Thank you so much for this incredible and encouraging review and the SIX STARS. I'm so glad to learn how much you've enjoyed the story and how well the magic of the story is working. Thank you so much! :) Wow!
Steve
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my plaesure to read and review. as always..one of your biggest fans..jimi
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Thank you! I sure do appreciate that. :)
Comment from adewpearl
A new chapter - what a great Fourth of July present!!!
Cyanide, well that certainly is a development and a half - and after all that lovely talk of dinner!! A night of massages, hot tub and a filet mignon dinner with all the fixings - boy oh boy could I use that. What a bummer that it all ends with such intriguing and disturbing news. I did not mind the length at all as I was enjoying imagining myself surrounded by all that pampering good stuff. :-) An excellent chapter. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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A new chapter - what a great Fourth of July present!!!
Cyanide, well that certainly is a development and a half - and after all that lovely talk of dinner!! A night of massages, hot tub and a filet mignon dinner with all the fixings - boy oh boy could I use that. What a bummer that it all ends with such intriguing and disturbing news. I did not mind the length at all as I was enjoying imagining myself surrounded by all that pampering good stuff. :-) An excellent chapter. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Brooke! That's exactly what my intention was, to give the reader an incredible ride. Those details ate the pages though, LOL. In the next chapter we'll learn who did it, and go for another ride. Thanks again!
Steve
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello NightWriter
You chapters are never too long it's like watching a good movie you don't want it to end.
Ah, who is the person and why poisoned Linda
Of course you know I didn't like her.
will read your next posting soon as I can
Gert
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Hello NightWriter
You chapters are never too long it's like watching a good movie you don't want it to end.
Ah, who is the person and why poisoned Linda
Of course you know I didn't like her.
will read your next posting soon as I can
Gert
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Gert! That's a high compliment saying the chapters are never too long and that it's like a movie you don't want to end. I feel the same way while writing. Some people have suggested I'm getting close to the end and I'm saying never, LOL! In the next chapter we'll learn who did this, but it will set up another problem for Stan to deal with. :) Thanks again!
Steve
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Steve you are so welcome
Gert
Comment from joan marie
You definitely created an air of mystery with this one. For some reason all this pampering has got me thinking what's up. Then the poisoning. Getting complicated, great writing joan marie
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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You definitely created an air of mystery with this one. For some reason all this pampering has got me thinking what's up. Then the poisoning. Getting complicated, great writing joan marie
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much Joan Marie for your wonderful review! The next chapter will reveal who, but it ends with another cliffhanger, LOL. Thanks!
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I would expect nothing less than a DAMN to come out when finishing a chapter, you are good at that 'I have to read the next chapter' cliffhanger. jm
