Comment from prodigal

Excellent

This was interestine, Red. I think dying people often look for absolution. I had a terrible father. he is not in good health right now. may not live much longer. i think the moral of this story is correct. the forgivness is more for the one doing the forgiving than the one being forgiven.

there were not a lot of twists and turns in this story. it stayed on message and got the point across well. i like that you showed the feelings between the two without having to go into a lot of detail. the mother was a hippocrite, the daughters body language spoke more than the words you could have written to tell us that. you showed us. a hand withdrawn is powerful body language, along with sitting next to the mother, but sort of against her will or better judgement.

hope all this makes sense. it is late and i'm tired. good luck in the contest- sam

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2009

Wow, thank you very much, sam. It is really encouraging that you got all that from my story. Sometimes I think I'm too subtle.

Comment from Little Arlana

Excellent

Your story was filled with emotion and quite well written. You had a great use of dialogue in your story and with that, you were able to portray the image of the relationship between mother and daughter. Keep up the great work! Look forward to reading more of your work.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2009

Thank you, darlin', so glad you liked it.

Comment from ersorenson

Excellent

I enjoyed the concept of your story and thought you did a nice job of building the angst between Mother and daughter. I liked the dialogue and the fact that it wasn't sugar coated, as a matter of fact I liked that the daughter never really forgave her mother, it seemed she said it, merely to shut up his Mother.

The only suggestion I have is that the argument could progress a little more, it seemed that the same old argument these two lived with was never to be resolved and wasn't in the story. Maybe you could change it a little to show either progression or deterioration in the situation.

That said, I thought this was a tight story that reflects the lives of many.

ers

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2009

Thank you, ers. I will consider your interesting suggestion.

Comment from Suzie B

Excellent

Hi Red, this is a heavy duty contender for sure.
I read and reread, this piece...
The emotion was raw, palpable.

You have done wonders in flash fiction style to impart much emotion.
You have left this reader wanting more, sure fire sign of a damn good story.
Well done
Suzie

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2009

Thank you so much, Suzie. I really appreciate the encouraging review.

Comment from sierragirl

Excellent

Very powerful and emotional. I am sorry for Katie that she wasn't able to forgive her mother and for whatever abuses her mother had done to her. You did a good job of using the writing prompt with strength and suspense. A good twist at the end too. Very good descriptive writing throughout the piece.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2009

Thank you. I appreciate the thoughtful, encouraging review.

Comment from Belinda

Excellent

An unusual story with a surprise ending. You give good characterization to the mother (step mother? adopted mother? kidnapping mother?) and her loveless daughter. Good luck with the contest, Red.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2009

Thank you, Belinda. I appreciate the encouraging review.