Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Fighting Against the Odds"Some bloodlines run very deep.
22 total reviews
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Steve, this chapter conveys terrific action and emotion. I loved the part where Linda is eventually over-powered. It was scary how she almost succeeded in drawing Lori into her clutches. The part with Stan and the remains of his family is very emotional. I loved all your descriptives. Hanger at the end is very good.
Well written. luv jada (hope you're well now.)
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009
  |
Hi Steve, this chapter conveys terrific action and emotion. I loved the part where Linda is eventually over-powered. It was scary how she almost succeeded in drawing Lori into her clutches. The part with Stan and the remains of his family is very emotional. I loved all your descriptives. Hanger at the end is very good.
Well written. luv jada (hope you're well now.)
Comment Written 28-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009
-
Thank you so much Jada! What an awesome review and six stars to boot. Wow! I think you read this story exactly how I write it. You feel it on an emotional level and that's where its strength is. It's a love story at its core. The good news is that's what I hope to bring more of in future chapters. :) Thank you so much for this very appreciated and motivating review.
Comment from babylonia
steve,
wait, who's dead is right ... who's dead? LOL but then i guess i will find out with the next chapter. another good one. easy to read and follow. one small spaggie.
red eyes softened as they locked on to (onto is one word here) Lori's baby blues."
imagery is excellent.
can't wait to read more.
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009
 |
steve,
wait, who's dead is right ... who's dead? LOL but then i guess i will find out with the next chapter. another good one. easy to read and follow. one small spaggie.
red eyes softened as they locked on to (onto is one word here) Lori's baby blues."
imagery is excellent.
can't wait to read more.
love,
barbara
Comment Written 28-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful and helpful review Barbara! Thanks also for catching that spaggie. I'll get that fixed ASAP. :)
-
you are welcome~
hope you are feeling better today.
love,
barbara
-
Thanks! Everyday a little better. :)
-
are you using the visualization technique i suggested?
-
I try to visualize it. I need to practice more. :)
-
me too.
Comment from Tellis
Okay you have my undivided attention now. Whos dead? It better not be Brook. LoL Don't mind me I'm just kidding, you can kill off anyone you want. I enjoyed reading this well written chapter and I'm glad you are feeling better.
Tellis
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009
|
Okay you have my undivided attention now. Whos dead? It better not be Brook. LoL Don't mind me I'm just kidding, you can kill off anyone you want. I enjoyed reading this well written chapter and I'm glad you are feeling better.
Tellis
Comment Written 28-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009
-
Thank you so much Tellis! I hate to lose anyone, LOL. :)
Comment from c_lucas
It seems like Stan has saved the day. I liked the action in this well written chapter. You brought this reader into your story. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
|
It seems like Stan has saved the day. I liked the action in this well written chapter. You brought this reader into your story. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
-
Thank you so much for this wonderful review!
-
You're welcome.
Comment from K-Patrick
That was worth the wait. I trust your Muse and health have returned. I think it went very well. I would have liked to "see" Linda put up more of a fight, maybe rip the tranq darts out and toss them to the side as she yelled her threats and charged Lori.
Chuck cocked his gun, his finger shaking nervously as it pressed against the trigger. -- I like it but more suspense -- Maybe: Chuck struggled to maintain his aim, as his shaking finger gently began to take up the trigger's slack.
He then turned and walked to another cabinet along the wall. Lori followed him. Chuck and his men exited the craft. -- Why did they exit? Did Stan dismiss them? Motion for them to leave?
He secretly stuffed his root under his shirt - deception from Stan?
Before the stewardess could secure the door, the aircraft was rolling down the taxiway heading toward the main runway.- 'Before' sounds like they are getting ready for a crash. - Consider maybe: 'Even as the stewardess was securing the door...'
"Wait! Who's dead?" Lori asked. -- Great hook, the problem is, I felt Stan would have been more concerned with the health of the pilot and Brook. Maybe even using his venom to heal?
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
|
That was worth the wait. I trust your Muse and health have returned. I think it went very well. I would have liked to "see" Linda put up more of a fight, maybe rip the tranq darts out and toss them to the side as she yelled her threats and charged Lori.
Chuck cocked his gun, his finger shaking nervously as it pressed against the trigger. -- I like it but more suspense -- Maybe: Chuck struggled to maintain his aim, as his shaking finger gently began to take up the trigger's slack.
He then turned and walked to another cabinet along the wall. Lori followed him. Chuck and his men exited the craft. -- Why did they exit? Did Stan dismiss them? Motion for them to leave?
He secretly stuffed his root under his shirt - deception from Stan?
Before the stewardess could secure the door, the aircraft was rolling down the taxiway heading toward the main runway.- 'Before' sounds like they are getting ready for a crash. - Consider maybe: 'Even as the stewardess was securing the door...'
"Wait! Who's dead?" Lori asked. -- Great hook, the problem is, I felt Stan would have been more concerned with the health of the pilot and Brook. Maybe even using his venom to heal?
Comment Written 27-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
-
How do you get to be so good with showing descriptions? Wow, I just love your suggestions. I will look at them and use them wherever I can. As always, thank you!
Comment from Sasha
I was wondering where you had gone. Glad to hear you are both back and feeling better. This is another great chapter and it seems the plot just continues to twist and turn and leave the reader hanging on the edge. Of course, you had to leave us with another cliffhanger.....can't wait for the next chapter to find out what happened, who died?
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
|
I was wondering where you had gone. Glad to hear you are both back and feeling better. This is another great chapter and it seems the plot just continues to twist and turn and leave the reader hanging on the edge. Of course, you had to leave us with another cliffhanger.....can't wait for the next chapter to find out what happened, who died?
Comment Written 27-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
-
Thank you so much for your continued encouragement and wonderful review!!!
Comment from nor84
Coming in at chapter 22, I won't know your story, so I'll just give you my impressions and anything that I see. I'm seeing the word "Linda" too often. In the first two paragraphs, not counting under the word "background", "Linda" appears four times. You need to use the pronoun "she" and break that up. You could say "you fools!" she screamed. "How dare you
yes, Linda is definitely being overused. It takes a little practice, but you have to do it if you hope to publish.
Towering over her, drool dripping off her pointed fangs; Linda's >>> take out the semicolon. Semicolons join two related complete thoughts. The only thing you need here is another comma.
"Lori" is being overused as well.
down Lori's throat while whetting (wetting)her lips
"I said, step away from her, now!" >>> The dialogue is fine, but more could be done with the punctuation. For example:
"I said step away from her. Now!" >>> You don't want to pause after "said" because that isn't the way he would say it. The only true exclamation is the single word "now!"
Linda laughed that evil tone that told everyone she wasn't worried about Chuck>>> that's telling. You need to show it, and certainly she could give an evil laugh, but you don't want to explain her actions.
the spot she planned to sink her fangs into.>>> To be grammatically correct ( and you probably should be in narrative) that should be "the spot into which she planned to sink her fangs." Generally, you don't want to and narrative with a preposition.
I think there would be lots of embracing, but probably the "I love yous" would come a little later.
, "I felt like I had the wind kicked >> I suggest cutting this a little "I had the wind kicked out of me, but I'm better now. How are you, love?"
I wouldn't have her repeat "now". Decide which one should say it, not both.
I see several repeats of the word "team" and of the word "reward." You might want to find a synonym, or work around it.
Brook is overused. Lori could kneel beside HER and stroke or caress her flushed cheeks.
Try to get rid of "looking/looked."
[Looking at Brook,] Lori [gently] took Brook's other hand [into hers]and watched her [cousin's] chest slowly rise and fall with every breath [of air]>>>Cut bracketed words as unnecessary.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
 |
Coming in at chapter 22, I won't know your story, so I'll just give you my impressions and anything that I see. I'm seeing the word "Linda" too often. In the first two paragraphs, not counting under the word "background", "Linda" appears four times. You need to use the pronoun "she" and break that up. You could say "you fools!" she screamed. "How dare you
yes, Linda is definitely being overused. It takes a little practice, but you have to do it if you hope to publish.
Towering over her, drool dripping off her pointed fangs; Linda's >>> take out the semicolon. Semicolons join two related complete thoughts. The only thing you need here is another comma.
"Lori" is being overused as well.
down Lori's throat while whetting (wetting)her lips
"I said, step away from her, now!" >>> The dialogue is fine, but more could be done with the punctuation. For example:
"I said step away from her. Now!" >>> You don't want to pause after "said" because that isn't the way he would say it. The only true exclamation is the single word "now!"
Linda laughed that evil tone that told everyone she wasn't worried about Chuck>>> that's telling. You need to show it, and certainly she could give an evil laugh, but you don't want to explain her actions.
the spot she planned to sink her fangs into.>>> To be grammatically correct ( and you probably should be in narrative) that should be "the spot into which she planned to sink her fangs." Generally, you don't want to and narrative with a preposition.
I think there would be lots of embracing, but probably the "I love yous" would come a little later.
, "I felt like I had the wind kicked >> I suggest cutting this a little "I had the wind kicked out of me, but I'm better now. How are you, love?"
I wouldn't have her repeat "now". Decide which one should say it, not both.
I see several repeats of the word "team" and of the word "reward." You might want to find a synonym, or work around it.
Brook is overused. Lori could kneel beside HER and stroke or caress her flushed cheeks.
Try to get rid of "looking/looked."
[Looking at Brook,] Lori [gently] took Brook's other hand [into hers]and watched her [cousin's] chest slowly rise and fall with every breath [of air]>>>Cut bracketed words as unnecessary.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
-
What an honor to have your helpful review here, Nor. Thank you so much. I will look at your suggestions and make the changes. Your suggestions are very helpful. In my defence of overuse of Brook, Linda and Lori, all I can say is no matter how many times I use their names, I still get reviews from people saying they don't know who's talking, LOL. But I clearly understand where you are coming from too. I'll trim their use down. Thanks again!
Steve
-
Try the chapter on speechtags in my grammar book. That should help. It's in my portfolio, if you haven't already downloaded it. You don't need to review it, just use it.
-
Thanks!
Comment from bc1yax
most enjoyable chapter - I am still getting ok with the idea that there are good and bad vampires, but your story is so smooth to read not bumps to slow it down - I was hooked in the first few words - your characters are alive, I check my neck offten. I shall read more-
bc1yax
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
|
most enjoyable chapter - I am still getting ok with the idea that there are good and bad vampires, but your story is so smooth to read not bumps to slow it down - I was hooked in the first few words - your characters are alive, I check my neck offten. I shall read more-
bc1yax
Comment Written 27-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging review, bc1yax!
Comment from DeRoseJ
Nice chapter. I love the theme here being an anne rice fan. The suggestion I have isnt steeped in spag, it is more of a detail, a "flow." I took a paragraph for you to see what I am talking about.
Chuck screamed, "Get out of here, Lori! Run!" Lori ran for the door, Linda followed in close pursuit. Before Lori reached the door, Linda jumped over her and stood with her back to the door facing Lori. Her blood red eyes softened as they locked on to Lori's baby blues."
Other than a misplaced " at end of sentence there is nothing inherently wrong with this. However the issue here is glaring all the same. Sometimes writers, when the have a large bulk of their book complete, see the finish line and tend to rush. I am not saying that you are rushing through the plot however that sentence tends to read as a she did this, he says that andthen this happened. If you are willing to look deeper into my suggestion, I advise rewording the action. If done right then you dont have the need to retell everyone's name in order to see the action. I will offer a potential fix.
With fear in his eyes, Chuck bellowed, "Get out of here! Run Lori, run."
Linda leapt high coming to the doorway, blocking any escape. Her blood red animal eyes softened momentarily as she locked onto Lori's baby blues.
I hope that I helped a bit. I would love to read more of it.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
|
Nice chapter. I love the theme here being an anne rice fan. The suggestion I have isnt steeped in spag, it is more of a detail, a "flow." I took a paragraph for you to see what I am talking about.
Chuck screamed, "Get out of here, Lori! Run!" Lori ran for the door, Linda followed in close pursuit. Before Lori reached the door, Linda jumped over her and stood with her back to the door facing Lori. Her blood red eyes softened as they locked on to Lori's baby blues."
Other than a misplaced " at end of sentence there is nothing inherently wrong with this. However the issue here is glaring all the same. Sometimes writers, when the have a large bulk of their book complete, see the finish line and tend to rush. I am not saying that you are rushing through the plot however that sentence tends to read as a she did this, he says that andthen this happened. If you are willing to look deeper into my suggestion, I advise rewording the action. If done right then you dont have the need to retell everyone's name in order to see the action. I will offer a potential fix.
With fear in his eyes, Chuck bellowed, "Get out of here! Run Lori, run."
Linda leapt high coming to the doorway, blocking any escape. Her blood red animal eyes softened momentarily as she locked onto Lori's baby blues.
I hope that I helped a bit. I would love to read more of it.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
-
Anne Rice is one of the all time best writers of vampire thrillers. What a mind, what creativity she brought to her characters.
Thank you so much for your excellent suggestions. I appreciate your wonderful review and will use your ideas wherever I can. I'm thrilled that you felt I saw the finish line to my story. Sometimes I do indeed see it, but I refuse to let it end. It's much too much fun writing and expanding the story, LOL. If the line seemed rushed, it's something I'll need to look at. For me it's not a matter of time, but quality with this story -- and most importantly, learning to write better. That's why your review means so much to me and I thank you for it. :)
Comment from jlsavell
Nightwriter,noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! !!!! !
You cannot do this! Once again a great chapter. I am very curious about your new plot development....wish I always had a six for you..it would be yours, I am so taken with this story..
p's'....I hope you are better..now get to work and post another chapter..jimi
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
|
Nightwriter,noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! !!!! !
You cannot do this! Once again a great chapter. I am very curious about your new plot development....wish I always had a six for you..it would be yours, I am so taken with this story..
p's'....I hope you are better..now get to work and post another chapter..jimi
Comment Written 27-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2009
-
Thank you so much Jimi!!! I'm working on it, LOL.
-
cannot wait....
