Comment from findingmyroom

Excellent

Hmm, a secret Stan is keeping from Lori spells trouble. The history you have created for Stan is fascinating, and I hope we will learn more in the following chapters.

 Comment Written 07-Sep-2009

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reply by the author on 07-Sep-2009

Thank you so much. Stan is a complicated vampire, LOL.

Comment from Mountainstar2

Excellent

This is an interesting well told story. It is very detailed and useage of wording content is perfect, making this a very good story chapter.

I think this story is interesting from start of the story to end. Along with a most perfect picture to put with the story also.

Have unique is this story and it's Author's writing abilty to stay with a storyline. Perfect as written. Now I only look forward to more...

Thanks for sharing this one with us here...MOuntainstar2..

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009

Thank you so much for your wonderful review! :)

reply by Mountainstar2 on 02-Jul-2009

You are very welcome for the review. My pleasure to do so...MS2..

Comment from rmdelta

Excellent

NightWriter,

this was an outstanding chapter, my friend. The descriptives are great and your dialogue was very strong, realistic as well as believable. Well done.

Reggie

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009

Thank you so much for your wonderful review!

Comment from Vladilynn

Exceptional

Hi there Steve~

Ohhhh....who's dead!!!?? Don't be killing the good one!! Geeessssshh! if you have to? Only the bad creatures. It's funny the first time I've read the name of Linda..I didn't like her at all even though she's being too helpful to Stan and Lori it seems that she wants more.

I felt that she's doing nice things as an exchange for something she wanted to have. I hate people like that they give and want something for return...or people that take back what they've given.:0(

Your Novel is loved by everyone including me of course. Envy! Loll I wish I can write like you do. I don't think that blood root will be in between Stan and Lori they've enough love to each other. Why women get jealous of all things!? Loll instead make those things to help them to be more stronger.
That's why there are men need to lie because of less understanding...communication and trust.

Ohh well!! Will be waiting for the continuation of this wonderful story!!
And please be careful okay..no more colds!! You have these audience of yours waiting for your awesome story!!

Take care and good luck for more writings!

Love much,

Lynn ( ^ ___________ < )

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2009

Oh Lynn, THANK YOU! I'm with you on no more colds. Gees, this one was three weeks and drained me of energy, hence my virus poem idea.

Thank you for your awesome and encouraging review AND SIX STARS!!! Wow! Double-wow! The next chapter will take us further along on this incredible journey. The blood root will bring Lori and Stan closer, but it will be fun when Lori sees that Stan brout the thing home with him. I see it like a security blanket or treasured item from his past that he can't part with, but Lori will help him.

Thanks again for this incredible review and six stars! :)

Steve

Comment from Kristia

Excellent

Hi,

I am glad you are feeling better....nothing worse than a summer cold. I like how you are building a bit of mystery into your piece. The description is very good....it puts your reader right there. I like the reference to God going beyond this galaxy.....it has a message with out being preachy, that perhaps others will pick up on. I like this work very much. Cheers

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 29-Jun-2009

Thank you, Kristia. That's what I get for not getting sick over winter, LOL! Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging review. Putting you right there is the magic in story telling and is the highest compliment I could ever hope for. Thank you! :)

Comment from Gert sherwood

Excellent

Hello NightWriter
so it looks like Stan's affection for Lori soon will dwindle if he doesn't need her any more, especially with he blood root you are talking about.

I like the part where you talk about the vampire aliens from another galaxy believing in the same God as we do.

But the thing is why did they want to come to the planet earth( did I miss something in your past chapters?)

I have a very strong feeling who is dead
Guess I will have to wit and see if I'm right the next chapter.
Gert

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Thank you so much for your awesome review Gert! Stan's home planet was destroyed by an exploding star so his people set out to find a new home. His ship crossed to the other side of the galaxy, our side and crashed under that castle. Your feelings about who is dead are probably true. Stan's affection for Lori I'll have to work on as I sure don't want that relationship to weaken, but rather want the opposite, for it to grow stronger. The love between those two characters is incredibly strong and I need to find a way to get that shown more.

Thanks again!

reply by Gert sherwood on 28-Jun-2009

Thank you NightWriter
for filling me in why Stan is on earth
will see you later
Glad you are feeling better now.
Gert

reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Thank you Gert. :)

Comment from joan marie

Excellent

Terrific cliffhanger. This was self contained enough to be a really enjoyable story. I know I haven't read much of the book. But I do enjoy reading someone who writes as professionally as you do. Just enough detail for the reader to feel as thought they are there without being bogged down by being told the story. Great chapter. joan marie

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Thank you so much for your wonderful review and comments! Professional, what a high compliment!!! :) Thank you.

Steve

reply by joan marie on 28-Jun-2009

I try and read prose as I am still working at learning. I have learned a lot from my writer's group. What the bad words are and showing not telling. I read so much with no dialogue, but is categorized as fiction. I guess essays should really have a different category. You have a lot of white space on the pages. I learned editors like that and can see why when I read your work. It is easier to read. Like I said before not bogged down in detail. You leave something for my imagination to do. I have been trying to read stories with no dialogue and they read like text books. So it was a pleasure to see your post. jm

reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Thank you so much. That's quite a nice compliment about the use of dialogue and I couldn't agree more. Finding that perfect balance between narration and dialogue is always challenging, and everyone has their own tastes. I've been told I have too much dialogue in my stories and have been looking for more balance. It all depends on what's happening with the story and th characters at the time. Thanks again!

Steve

reply by joan marie on 28-Jun-2009

Maybe for a short story. In my writer's group. There are published author's and a columnist. One lady who comes in season is writing a technical manual dealing with early music history. She's been selected by a committee to write this. I pay close attention to what these people say. No dialogue in a short story is bad and so is too much. You are writing a novel. That is different. I've learned that some chapters are used to set up action in the next. Some chapters are mostly diaglogue because that what they are. I am trying to learn to write to the standards of the industry and not as an English teacher looking for perfection. Hard to find a balance in the reviews here. Sometimes I just back out and don't read. Because I know it could be better and if I brought that work into group I would get every little thing corrected. I can't give a four without telling someone why. I don't often get a response so I don't bother. Sorry about going on. jm

reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Excellent observation and I couldn't agree more. Your writer's group will be very helpful to you. I joined a writer's group here too, it's for screenwriters. I get so energized being in the same room with these people.

reply by joan marie on 28-Jun-2009

I know what you mean. Face to face with people that are depending on what they write to make a living. I feel suprised that I have been allowed to take up space. That is why your writing is so good. We sit around a table and give each member a copy of our chapter or story. Then read it aloud. Each member can make corrections and suggestions on their copy and we go around the room with each asking questions or pointing out pov problems, etc. Like being in a class. jm

reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

It is exactly like being in a class, but like no class I've ever been in before. The topic being more relevant and more interesting than any algebra or english lit class, LOL.

Comment from Jonez08

Good

Hi Steve, I'm so glad you're feeling better. I was giving you two more days and then I was going to PM you to make sure you were okay. What an ending!!! Lot's of action going on in this chapter,as usual. I rated you a four because of the flow of the story, editing and the name issue in this chapter. I think you should use your word finder and see how many times you used 'Linda', the other names were overused as well but Linda really stood out. I'm awaiting your next chapter~


Towering over her, drool (dripping off) her pointed fangs;
(dripped from)

Linda laughed (that) evil tone that told everyone she wasn't worried about Chuck.
(in an)

Linda turned (around) in complete surprise,

Running to Stan(,) she fell into his open arms.
(not needed)

No, she's going to be sleeping for a while
(No, she's going to sleep awhile.)

Both sides of his neck were ripped into(,) and he said he hasn't had anything to eat or drink since being abducted.

Lori (gently) took Brook's other hand (into hers) and watched her cousin's chest slowly rise and fall with every breath of air
(these are not needed, also consider removing cousin's, we've been following the story so we know it's her cousin)

Just one ounce of blood from this root equals the potency of eight pints of yours.
(wow)

Cassandra

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Thank you so much Cassandra for your very helpful and always appreciated review and support. Also, I wish you a belated congratulations on taking second place in the story of the month contest. I closely watched that one as you had some good competition there. Still, I felt your story was the best and always will.

I'm feeling much better thank you, but the three week cold has been trying to cause another problem with a kidney stone. Dehydrated from too many runny noses I guess. But today is better than yesterday, LOL. It reminds me how important good health is. Thanks again for your most helpful review. Have a great day!

Comment from angel of the quill

Excellent

worth the wait
nice twist good cliff hanging.. pulls nails out to hang on till the next one.. Hope you feel better
great work

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Wow! Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I am feeling better, thank you. My Muse is setting up shop again! :)

Comment from nora arjuna

Excellent

hi steve, another nice chapter where you have a mixture of scenes which gradually turn to a suspense ending.

check these:

-[Looking at Brook], Lori gently took Brook's other hand into hers and watched her cousin's chest

you don't need those, as you used 'watched' a few words later.

-"Sorry[,] not amused, honey."

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Excellent points, thank you so much for your wonderful and helpful review. I'll update the chapter to include your suggestions. THANK YOU! :)