Comment from samuelbrody

Excellent

Hello... Excellent message you have conveyed. I felt the different emotions conveyed, especially disdain for the apathetic coward. Very good way to make a point about a severe societical problem. Well done.

 Comment Written 19-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Jul-2009

Thank you Sam. I was a little worried when I posted this as I'd gone for an aggressive/shocking approach, but thankfully people have read it the way I intended. It also represents my first nomination for poetry, which is a great feeling :-). Thanks for the review.

Mike

Comment from skye

Excellent

This is a sad poem, filled with dark images and is not easy to read, but it does move forward strongly.
You crafted it with creativity and a fresh approach.
Very well done.
Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 18-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Jul-2009

Thank you Skye, for reading the poem how I intended; I did take a strong approach, and use shock to make my point, but I felt that was the most effective way to tackle it.

Mike

Comment from wierdgrace

Excellent

This is so true, I loved this, and it makes us all think, Thank you so much for this well written poem, structure with the smoothness of unterstanding, I love it, no errors and no mistakes, thankyou so much for sharing.

 Comment Written 17-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Jul-2009

Thank you Weirdgrace. I'm so glad you got something from this, and weren't put off by the strong approach I took.

Mike

reply by wierdgrace on 20-Jul-2009

u r so welcome

Comment from AnnieBogart

Excellent

Creepy, creepy. You have enetered the mind of a madman very well! You voice this so very well. YOu may want to consider expanding this into various entries. This is an intriguing character!

 Comment Written 17-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Jul-2009

Thank you Annie. I went for chills with a point, and I felt the best way to do that was to be believably. Thanks for the great review :-)

Mike

reply by AnnieBogart on 20-Jul-2009

I have wanted to write a novel completely in the killer's POV...You have done this so well, you may as well do it!

Comment from K-Patrick

Exceptional

I read this poem and the rhythm perfect. It flowed so well.
But then I thought, "what the ...' is he doing here.
The descriptions are so powerful and ... well ... shocking.
How could you write something so tragic? This isn't an Orc here.
So, thinking I missed something, I read again and then a third time. I realized that you are a genius. So many times the victim of a sex crime is treated like they did something to provoke it. Even their own subconscious blames them for letting it happen, for not fighting harder to stop it, when in reality they could do no more to stop it than being hit by a drunk driver.

It is a well written poem with a very powerful message.
This is powerful. Strong, frightening descriptions that provide vivid imagery for the reader. The ending is both shocking and tragic. This sends a powerful message too. Very, very well done.

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 29-Jun-2009

Hey, K-Pat. I knew this one might be a bit of a risk; I was worried people might think I was being dark and nasty for the sake of it. Thankfully, it's been received the way I intended it. Thanks so much for the awesome review and special rating, mate. I've written a lot of funny bits recently, so it was good to do something genuine for a change.

Mike

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

So, this stalker guy with his sick fantasies has a witness with more cowardliness than conscience who he knows is onto him, but the witness never does anything to prevent the inevitable from eventually happening, so he is now culpable in the grim outcome. Is that a decent summary? I read this a few times to make sure I was getting it. This is a darkly disturbing and beautifully written poem, my friend. Brooke

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 29-Jun-2009

Yeah, you have it about spot on there, Brooke. I think this came out because of all the 'funnies' I've written recently. THank you for reading it as I intended, and not simply as me being dark for the sake of it.

Mike

Comment from Loyd C. Taylor, Sr

Excellent

Hello poetfriend and a very sunny afternoon here in North Carolina.
Insightful, conviciting and thought provoking.
I enjoyed, Loyd

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Thank you Loyd :-). I'm glad people have seen that I'm trying to make a point, rather than be controversial. Your kind review is much appreciated.

It's sunny here too, and in true English fasion it's muggy at the same time, so I'm sweating like a lunatic!

Mike

reply by Loyd C. Taylor, Sr on 29-Jun-2009

A very good Monday morning to you poet friend.
You are very welcome and I enjoyed.
Loyd

Comment from Crusty

Exceptional

Beautiful iambic meter my friend. Rocks along like a train. Wonderful.
I enjoyed this once again dark side of fleedleflump. I have been threatening to write some so standard form poetry soon. I was thinking the sonnet. I dion't know of an easier one to start with. LOL.

This is not a true sonnet. Is it? or can it be called a sonnet anyway. Even if it doesn't fit the standard form? (Forgive my ignorance Mike.) LOL. I'm fishing> Hahaha.

Loads of best wishes to the family. Hope you all had a great weekend. Cheers mate.

Brad...

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Hi Brad, and thanks for the fantastic review :-)

Whilst this is a metered poem, that's all it is; my syllable count varies quite a lot, there's no set pattern, and I've not structured it right for a sonnet.

A sonnet is slightly jumping in at the deep end, as there's several elements to it:

STRUCTURE

Classic English sonnet is three quatrains (stanzas of four lines each) with ABAB rhyme schemes, followed by a rhyming couplet. Ideally, rhymes shouldn't repeat, so the structure would be: ABAB CDCD EFEF GG. A Heroic Sonnet is basically the same, but has an additional quatrain (ABAB CDCD EFEF GHGH II).

I won't insult you by talking about meter, as you're a talented musician, mate, and doubtless know more than I do!

IAMBICS

The hardest part of a sonnet! Sonnets are written using iambic "feet", which consist of an unstressed followed by a stressed syllable. Which syllable is stressed on a word comes down to pronunciation.

An easy example is a word like 'FADING'. It's two syllables and, when spoken, one puts the emphasis on the 'FAD'. The 'ING' becomes a secondary sound; if one emphasized the 'ING' it'd sound weird. So we say FADing, rather than faDING.

As a result, 'fading' could never be the first word in a line of a sonnet, as each 'foot' has to start with an unstressed syllable. So you'd need another word in front of it (such as 'the' or 'a' for example).

These iambic feet can be used in varying numbers for poetry as a whole, but sonnets use iambic pentameter (this takes me back to my a-level English days, lol! Many of Shakespeare's speeches in his plays are written in iambic pentameter). That means that each line is made up of five iambic feet.

So, each line has ten syllables, and must start with an unstressed syllable, followed by a stressed one, then alternated to the end. As Ray would say (and, as it goes, exactly as my English teacher also said):

da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM

or:

a FADing LIGHT so DEFined BY your EYES

THEME

Subject can be anything, though they are often romantic. It's sometimes said that each stanza should start a new 'phase' or twist in the story being told, although few seem to follow this, but if you can do it then that's extra-cool :-)

SUMMARY

So, you need fourteen lines arranged like the example one above, arranged in three sets of four (with ABAB rhyme) and two lines as a final couplet (with AA rhyme).

It can be very difficult to figure out the stresses for the iambic feet with the words you want to use. As a rule, if the line has the correct 10 syllables, and the stresses are right, then it'll flow very neatly. If it reads a bit awkwardly, then it's probably the stresses that are out.

Let's have a quick go ...

a FADing LIGHT so DEFined BY your EYES
that GLINT with ARDent WONder IN the NIGHT
aLIGNS aLONG the LINES of MY disGUISE
to PERFectLY reVEAL my SOUL'S deLIGHT.

my DARkness FLOWing DOLEfulLY aWAY
rePENTS my SOUL'S aGRESSion SILentLY
it STRANgles ALL the HATE, no MORE afFRAY
and KILLS the VIOlent, SADist PART of ME

toGETHer WE conTROL my BLACKest PAST
we MIX inTO a GREY that PAINTS the WORLD
the LOVing SHADE 'acCEPtance' BUILT to LAST
we ARE the POLE round WHICH my FLAG unFURLED

through PAIN and DIRest CIRCumSTANCE we BEAR
as PASSionATEly WE can YELL: "we CARE!"




Mike



PS: I really hope I haven;t been patronising, Brad. I hope I've been of some use, helped, and not tried to teach anyone to suck eggs, cause let's face it, we can all suck an egg ;-)

reply by Crusty on 29-Jun-2009

No way were you patronising or condescending. I appreciate the time you took to prepare, and send this Mike. You know I appreciate you. You are a fine gentleman of outstanding integrity.
I can't find words to adequately express just how much this meant to me, and I feel anything but, patronised. In fact, I feel honoured that you would take the time to reply so thoughtfully and thoroughly.
Also, the poem you wrote for this example? I think you should post it, I thoroughly enjoyed it and I'm sure others will too :-)

Thanks mate. Have a blessed day.

Brad...

Comment from filmoreodragon

Excellent

This is really good and about a very hard subject. I love the way you trace the media's influence through the lack of concern and fear. And I have always hated the terminology victim. Somehow it is one more assault. The "perpetrator" is the true victim in my opinion. Well done.

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

Thank you Film :-). I wanted to approach a difficult subject from an unusual angle. I'm glad I got the 'feel' of my poem across.

Mike

Comment from Annelisa

Excellent

Through the eyes of a killer? Is the victim and "you" (as in') the same person or different. I was just a little confused.

The rhymes and rythm aqre good...calculating.
Annelisa

 Comment Written 27-Jun-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jun-2009

In my mind, it's from the perspective of a stalker, but addressed to the average man on the street who pretends he has not noticed ...

Thank you for reading and thinking about it, Lisa :-)

Mike