Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "A Family Matter"Some bloodlines run very deep.
24 total reviews
Comment from EllieKaye
So, you write vampire stories eh? Well... I will try not to let the shivery goosebumps control my typing.
You presented a visusally vivid story with some fantastic dialogue. I have to add that I'm glad it's not in Romanian!
My only suggestion would be to change the word 'jugular' that repeats several times in the first paragraph. It tended to stick out quite a bit due to the repetition. But that's your call-- it's well done!
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2009
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So, you write vampire stories eh? Well... I will try not to let the shivery goosebumps control my typing.
You presented a visusally vivid story with some fantastic dialogue. I have to add that I'm glad it's not in Romanian!
My only suggestion would be to change the word 'jugular' that repeats several times in the first paragraph. It tended to stick out quite a bit due to the repetition. But that's your call-- it's well done!
Comment Written 02-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review! I'll take a look at the overuse of the word. I tend to write a lot of vampire themed stories as that's where my Muse is, but as I get the vampire stories out, other kinds of stories are starting to surface so it may change one day. Thanks again!
Comment from filmoreodragon
Interesting story. I am intrigued. Some of the dialogue caused me to skim, and parts needed a little bit of transition to clarify. However, the character development and development of relationships is wonderful. The plot is exciting, and the setting is good.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2009
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Interesting story. I am intrigued. Some of the dialogue caused me to skim, and parts needed a little bit of transition to clarify. However, the character development and development of relationships is wonderful. The plot is exciting, and the setting is good.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2009
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I'll look at the dialogue, a few people have commented on the same thing. Thank you so much for reading and your wonderful review!
Comment from adewpearl
Brook turned into mush, a mindless, zombie-like crop - what a horrible thought
Oh, Brook is released from the spell - now to worry what Linda has up her sleeve next - this is all really scary - your gruesome detail could give anyone nightmares - there was a horror story contest where I was advising someone she couldn't just say a victim died - she needed to bloody things up a bit - I should have sent her to your book!! Brooke
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2009
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Brook turned into mush, a mindless, zombie-like crop - what a horrible thought
Oh, Brook is released from the spell - now to worry what Linda has up her sleeve next - this is all really scary - your gruesome detail could give anyone nightmares - there was a horror story contest where I was advising someone she couldn't just say a victim died - she needed to bloody things up a bit - I should have sent her to your book!! Brooke
Comment Written 02-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2009
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LOL! Thank you so much, Brooke for your awesome and encouraging review. :)
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Steve, exciting chapter, I wonderful what Linda (supposedly) has to shown Stan. He'd better take his body guard Lori, she'll protect him...lol. I look forward to your next chapter.
His fangs were out(,) and he (was biting) into anything within reach.
(remove passive voice==active and he (bit) into anything
Turning to Chuck placing an arm around him in a huddle,
(something's amiss with this sentence,maybe you need a comma after Chuck. Consider rephrasing)
If anything happens to you (I), I don't know what I'll do."
(this extra 'I' isn't needed)
Probably not since I don't generate heat like (you) humans (do).
(remove 'you and do' to tighten writing)
Leaning closer, (Lori said), "I wish you didn't have to
go, honey.
(something is needed after Leaning closer)
Looking out the window at the darkness,
(consider: Peering out into the darkness)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Hi Steve, exciting chapter, I wonderful what Linda (supposedly) has to shown Stan. He'd better take his body guard Lori, she'll protect him...lol. I look forward to your next chapter.
His fangs were out(,) and he (was biting) into anything within reach.
(remove passive voice==active and he (bit) into anything
Turning to Chuck placing an arm around him in a huddle,
(something's amiss with this sentence,maybe you need a comma after Chuck. Consider rephrasing)
If anything happens to you (I), I don't know what I'll do."
(this extra 'I' isn't needed)
Probably not since I don't generate heat like (you) humans (do).
(remove 'you and do' to tighten writing)
Leaning closer, (Lori said), "I wish you didn't have to
go, honey.
(something is needed after Leaning closer)
Looking out the window at the darkness,
(consider: Peering out into the darkness)
Cassandra
Comment Written 01-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Hi Cassandra and thank you so much for your valued review. I struggled with this chapter. My Muse wasn't sure about the direction. When the compass no longer knows where the north is watch out, LOL! As always. I LOVE your suggestions and will put them all to good use. Thank you for reading and your much appreciated support. :)
Comment from Deejharrington
Anything kept in the basement of a vampires castle can't be good! I'm glad Brook seems OK, but will the rest get out alive, well, not alive, how about in one piece? Great chapter! Suspenseful and exciting.
deb
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Anything kept in the basement of a vampires castle can't be good! I'm glad Brook seems OK, but will the rest get out alive, well, not alive, how about in one piece? Great chapter! Suspenseful and exciting.
deb
Comment Written 01-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Thank you so much, Deb! You are on to something, the basement in the castle has to be the creepiest of all places too. As always, the next chapter promises us another adventure and another cliff hanger, LOL. I'm glad the magic of story telling is working and alive and well. Thanks again for your wonderful review! :)
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You're welcome, keep the good stories coming
deb
Comment from jojosug
An interesting chapter, full of gore and tension. It makes for interesting reading the conflict between the characters. I enjoyed it.
Jo
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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An interesting chapter, full of gore and tension. It makes for interesting reading the conflict between the characters. I enjoyed it.
Jo
Comment Written 01-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Thank you so much, Jo! :)
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi NightWriter
Well if you churned my poor stomach when reading your first part of this chapter. You have a very vivid scene.
plus the scene in the coffin with Stan and Lori.
Linda has to get out of this story some how
She is getting too much for me.
A couple of tiny things do you have to use the word (dove) in this part-
She tipped her head back and laughed then ((dove)) head first into Brook's neck
#2
We studied the blueprints and figure we can land in the parking area in the rear,(((and) then)) surround the place. I'll stay with you and Lori."
Gert
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Hi NightWriter
Well if you churned my poor stomach when reading your first part of this chapter. You have a very vivid scene.
plus the scene in the coffin with Stan and Lori.
Linda has to get out of this story some how
She is getting too much for me.
A couple of tiny things do you have to use the word (dove) in this part-
She tipped her head back and laughed then ((dove)) head first into Brook's neck
#2
We studied the blueprints and figure we can land in the parking area in the rear,(((and) then)) surround the place. I'll stay with you and Lori."
Gert
Comment Written 01-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Hi Gert. Thank you so much for reading and your wonderful review. I'll take a look at your suggestions too. With Spring in full bloom here, I've been dividing up what free time I have between writing, reading and weeding, LOL (oh, and work!). I see you have a couple writings out there that I promise to get to very soon. Thanks again! :)
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Good Morning NightWriter
You are welcome
Will see you later
smiles
Gert
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Night, again no six because I gave you one in the last century. But a cyber-six it is. I loved this chapter and cringed at all the blood squirting all over the place. Stan having a good go at Lori in his nightmare. I'm glad Brook seems okay. Wonder what devilish deed Linda is up to now, taking Stan down to the basement. He needs to drive a stake through her little non-existent heart quick. Lots of lovely tension and activity. Adore the picture of the castle - all remote and secretive. A writer's dream. lol.
Well written. luv jada
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Hi Night, again no six because I gave you one in the last century. But a cyber-six it is. I loved this chapter and cringed at all the blood squirting all over the place. Stan having a good go at Lori in his nightmare. I'm glad Brook seems okay. Wonder what devilish deed Linda is up to now, taking Stan down to the basement. He needs to drive a stake through her little non-existent heart quick. Lots of lovely tension and activity. Adore the picture of the castle - all remote and secretive. A writer's dream. lol.
Well written. luv jada
Comment Written 01-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Oh, thank you SO MUCH Jada!!! Such a nice compliment. Bravo! As you know, this chapter was a tough one with several re-writes on the first few pages. I just couldn't find the right tone, but then my Muse finally came down and helped light the way, LOL. I did want a big fight scene between Linda and Stan. Maybe in the next chapter the opportunity will arise. Thanks again so much for your support and enthusiasm! :)
Comment from K-Patrick
OK, NightWriter, I am being a little hard on this chapter because it's a great chapter and needs to be one of the most powerful yet. You have the dream, Stan attacking Lori the meeting with Linda, and Brooks return. Regarding my comments, please take them with a drop of blood ;o)
she pressed her lips against the jugular's warm inviting form.-- pressed her lips against the tender flesh covering this delicacy of desire.. Maybe ??
Reaching for his hand, Lori said, "I'm right here, honey." --- Stan just damn near killed Lori. She admits never seeing him this way and she's bleeding pretty badly -- where's the emotion?? --- hesitantly she reached for his had, "S-Stan, I, uh, I'm here?"
Stan turned and smiled until he saw several streams of blood trickling down her neck. "Oh, love, what happened?" --- Stan awakes to see the love of his life bleeding all over the place. -- emotion? --"Oh GOD! What happened?" Looking around, Stan saw that they were alone, the sudden realization that he caused the terrible wounds to her neck. "Lori, I...wh-what happened?"
"Yes. She knows we're here."
"Oh no!" --- my hairs a mess? -- This is huge, big even. Think EMOTION. --- "Linda knows, but how? She can't..." Lori said, shaking her head in denial. -- Remember Lori is barely grasping that Linda is like Stan.
Lori stepped closer and tipped her head back [her eyes watching Stan for any sudden change in demeanor.]
"What would she be like?" --- "What do you mean mush? What could happen to her?"
"I'm afraid not much. Another few hours may be too late." -- I think more suspense -- "I don't know, we may already be too late."
"Stan!" --- "Oh God no! Stan, please we have to hurry!"
The ride to the castle would take thirty minutes. -- You've got this all planned out, show how detailed by saying the ride will take thirty-three minutes from take off to touch down. Or something?
"But, Stan, we can take her." -- Come on this is big -- Constantly moving red dots from several laser sights appeared on Linda head, face and neck.
ran to her and gently tapped her face. -- slapped her face?? Tapped sounds like your knocking on her forehead :o)
"How dare you!" Linda said as she raised her hand to strike Lori, but her fist was blocked by Stan. -- Linda just tried to strike Lori and Stan blocked it. The source of his 'problems' just attacked his love and he's this calm? I know he's special, but...
What would happen if when they were getting off the 'copter, Linda reached over and placed handcuffs on Stan's and her wrist. She is a strong willed woman. Stan could snap his when (if) they had to part.
I must say I really like this chapter and I think it needs more emotion to show how huge it is. I am going with 4 stars only in hopes you will review some areas and strengthen it. Whether you edit or not, tell me you have looked it over and I'll upgrade the rating.
K-P
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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OK, NightWriter, I am being a little hard on this chapter because it's a great chapter and needs to be one of the most powerful yet. You have the dream, Stan attacking Lori the meeting with Linda, and Brooks return. Regarding my comments, please take them with a drop of blood ;o)
she pressed her lips against the jugular's warm inviting form.-- pressed her lips against the tender flesh covering this delicacy of desire.. Maybe ??
Reaching for his hand, Lori said, "I'm right here, honey." --- Stan just damn near killed Lori. She admits never seeing him this way and she's bleeding pretty badly -- where's the emotion?? --- hesitantly she reached for his had, "S-Stan, I, uh, I'm here?"
Stan turned and smiled until he saw several streams of blood trickling down her neck. "Oh, love, what happened?" --- Stan awakes to see the love of his life bleeding all over the place. -- emotion? --"Oh GOD! What happened?" Looking around, Stan saw that they were alone, the sudden realization that he caused the terrible wounds to her neck. "Lori, I...wh-what happened?"
"Yes. She knows we're here."
"Oh no!" --- my hairs a mess? -- This is huge, big even. Think EMOTION. --- "Linda knows, but how? She can't..." Lori said, shaking her head in denial. -- Remember Lori is barely grasping that Linda is like Stan.
Lori stepped closer and tipped her head back [her eyes watching Stan for any sudden change in demeanor.]
"What would she be like?" --- "What do you mean mush? What could happen to her?"
"I'm afraid not much. Another few hours may be too late." -- I think more suspense -- "I don't know, we may already be too late."
"Stan!" --- "Oh God no! Stan, please we have to hurry!"
The ride to the castle would take thirty minutes. -- You've got this all planned out, show how detailed by saying the ride will take thirty-three minutes from take off to touch down. Or something?
"But, Stan, we can take her." -- Come on this is big -- Constantly moving red dots from several laser sights appeared on Linda head, face and neck.
ran to her and gently tapped her face. -- slapped her face?? Tapped sounds like your knocking on her forehead :o)
"How dare you!" Linda said as she raised her hand to strike Lori, but her fist was blocked by Stan. -- Linda just tried to strike Lori and Stan blocked it. The source of his 'problems' just attacked his love and he's this calm? I know he's special, but...
What would happen if when they were getting off the 'copter, Linda reached over and placed handcuffs on Stan's and her wrist. She is a strong willed woman. Stan could snap his when (if) they had to part.
I must say I really like this chapter and I think it needs more emotion to show how huge it is. I am going with 4 stars only in hopes you will review some areas and strengthen it. Whether you edit or not, tell me you have looked it over and I'll upgrade the rating.
K-P
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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I look forward to the K-P review! I'm lucky to have caught your interest and support. You are much nicer than an editor I may face one day if I'm ever so fortunate. Your suggestions are as always over the top and extremely helpful and insightful. You have an eagle eye for getting out good stories. You could be an editor! Thank you so much for your suggestions and thoughts. They will all be put to good use. I'll write you when I'm finished. :)
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Flattery works until my next review. :o)
Thanks. K-P :o)
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Funny! :)
Comment from Sasha
Great Chapter. I have been waiting for this one for quite some time. Full of tension, frustration, intrigue and fear. You left the reader with a very painful cliffhanger too. I am holding by my breath waiting for the next installment!! Great work.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Great Chapter. I have been waiting for this one for quite some time. Full of tension, frustration, intrigue and fear. You left the reader with a very painful cliffhanger too. I am holding by my breath waiting for the next installment!! Great work.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2009
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Thank you so much for such a wonderful and encouraging review!! :)
