The Listener
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Sleep Tight"Telepathy makes business trust easy. Or should.
4 total reviews
Comment from WRITER1
This is a very good chapter, it gave me more insight into Christmas' life as well as his character. I think he's growing on me.
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
  |
This is a very good chapter, it gave me more insight into Christmas' life as well as his character. I think he's growing on me.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
-
Thank you. I must admit, I like films and books where your perception of a character changes. I'm glad he's having that effect on you.
Comment from tammipratt
Hi Snodlander, a good write overall, but I wanted to revisit this first para with you. It's always the most important and just some things didn't sit well:
A well-worn path led through a gap in the trees that separated the hotel car-park from the service station. [does a path lead a gap in the trees, or does it create the gap in the trees? perhaps say a well-worn track carved a path between the trees that...] Presumably [I would leave this word presumably out. I think the next sentence assumes the travellers created the path anyway] legions of hungry travellers had been tempted by the promise of stale sandwiches and warm cola over the years. The forecourt was deserted as Laura and Christmas crossed the cracked concrete to the small shop. [When you use "as" it's because another action is occuring at the same time. The forecourt being deserted is not an action, unless people are deserting it when Laura and Christmas step in]
Hope that makes sense.
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
|
Hi Snodlander, a good write overall, but I wanted to revisit this first para with you. It's always the most important and just some things didn't sit well:
A well-worn path led through a gap in the trees that separated the hotel car-park from the service station. [does a path lead a gap in the trees, or does it create the gap in the trees? perhaps say a well-worn track carved a path between the trees that...] Presumably [I would leave this word presumably out. I think the next sentence assumes the travellers created the path anyway] legions of hungry travellers had been tempted by the promise of stale sandwiches and warm cola over the years. The forecourt was deserted as Laura and Christmas crossed the cracked concrete to the small shop. [When you use "as" it's because another action is occuring at the same time. The forecourt being deserted is not an action, unless people are deserting it when Laura and Christmas step in]
Hope that makes sense.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
-
Thanks for your detailed thoughts. I shall revisit it when I have some distance
Comment from Adri7enne
Very entertaining. Great dialogue, geat tension between the characters. I enjoyed your description of the action. I am reading for pleasure. Very good chapter, Snod. Hope they both make it out alive.
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
|
Very entertaining. Great dialogue, geat tension between the characters. I enjoyed your description of the action. I am reading for pleasure. Very good chapter, Snod. Hope they both make it out alive.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
-
I'm writing for pleasure as well 8^) Thanks for your review and encouragement
Comment from nora arjuna
I'm not familiar with the story, but I managed to enjoy this as a standalone. Few things I picked up:
Alongside his food[,] Christmas had placed - and do you need 'had' there?
knowing as soon as I do[,] you'll cave my head in
Christmas stood [up] and smiled - no need 'up'
"That really hurt," he said, rubbing the back of his head.["] - remove
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
|
I'm not familiar with the story, but I managed to enjoy this as a standalone. Few things I picked up:
Alongside his food[,] Christmas had placed - and do you need 'had' there?
knowing as soon as I do[,] you'll cave my head in
Christmas stood [up] and smiled - no need 'up'
"That really hurt," he said, rubbing the back of his head.["] - remove
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
-
Oops, thanks for that. Glad you enjoyed it
