Greed n' Feed
Selfish individuals seldom find true happiness.49 total reviews
Comment from Amicus
Mastery, I couldn't stop reading your story once I began. You develop your characters with admirable skill showing us who they are rather than telling us about them. And your plot is slowly but well developed with a twist at the end that is appropriately chilling. Clarence the drunken loser and his bimbo girlfriend are wonderful characters and Duddles too is well drawn. The violence seems inevitable given the stupidity, greed, liquor, and resentments involved but the final actions of Duddles are a surprise--and life on the farm just goes on.
Well done.
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Mastery, I couldn't stop reading your story once I began. You develop your characters with admirable skill showing us who they are rather than telling us about them. And your plot is slowly but well developed with a twist at the end that is appropriately chilling. Clarence the drunken loser and his bimbo girlfriend are wonderful characters and Duddles too is well drawn. The violence seems inevitable given the stupidity, greed, liquor, and resentments involved but the final actions of Duddles are a surprise--and life on the farm just goes on.
Well done.
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Wow! Thanks so very much, Amiscus...I am honored. I look forward to reading your work as well...See you soon....Bob (Mastery)
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Wow! Thanks so very much, Amiscus...I am honored. I look forward to reading your work as well...See you soon....Bob (Mastery)
Comment from Mrs Jones
Hello my BBP. The old commas here and there but what the heck the story was well told and I am a bit of a rusty reviewer right now. The dialogue is excellent and the characters so original as usual. There is much more coming I hope.
Luv ja
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Hello my BBP. The old commas here and there but what the heck the story was well told and I am a bit of a rusty reviewer right now. The dialogue is excellent and the characters so original as usual. There is much more coming I hope.
Luv ja
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Love you, too my Rosie. I am so happy you liked it...I will be adding a bit at a time...Unfortunately, I took all my work with me when I left and have to repost as I find time, otherwise my port looks dull...LOL..Take care, Bobby
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
This is a good development of opening sentence.
The storyline is good and the characters are believable.
The dialogue too sounds authentic, and the imagery excellent.
You have also chosen a very apt title in 'Greed and Feed.'
Enjoyable if somewhat gory read.
Juliette
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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This is a good development of opening sentence.
The storyline is good and the characters are believable.
The dialogue too sounds authentic, and the imagery excellent.
You have also chosen a very apt title in 'Greed and Feed.'
Enjoyable if somewhat gory read.
Juliette
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Thanks so much, Juliette...Wow! I am honored and look forward to reading your work soon. Take care..Bob...(Mastery)
Comment from OldVet
Interesting story. I can see where you got "Greed and Feed."
This needs a good editing. It's a longer story and I didn't point out everything I saw (other reviewers have spotted most of them), so here's some issues they may have missed.
Covered with a screen, Duddles Custer {Dangler here. EDuddles isn't covered with a screen, the door is. Move the opening phrase to the first sentence and all will be well.}
Multiple errors with quotation marks"
Pig shit,["] he muttered.
["]I just want to get this over and done.
You know the old goat has the money.[" - delete]
[" - delete]You can call him Duddles, if you like, Shell. Everybody calls him Duddles -- right, Uncle Jack?["]
sliced cleanly through her neck.,[neck,]
*******************************************************
I'm going to send you a PM later, but here are soem of the things that stand out to me:
a half[-]mile away
You tend to write in passive voice, whereas active voice would make this story stronger. Try to eliminate was/were/etc. wherever you can.
Examples:
On one limb was a tire hanging from a rotting rope.
A tire on a knotted rope hung from one limb.
A man was driving and he had a woman with him.
A man and woman drove up to the house.
Neither of them spoke for awhile after that. The man's breathing was loud in the silence. {awhile means "for a while."}
Instead: Neither of them spoke for [a while], thesilence broken only by the man's loud breathing.
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Interesting story. I can see where you got "Greed and Feed."
This needs a good editing. It's a longer story and I didn't point out everything I saw (other reviewers have spotted most of them), so here's some issues they may have missed.
Covered with a screen, Duddles Custer {Dangler here. EDuddles isn't covered with a screen, the door is. Move the opening phrase to the first sentence and all will be well.}
Multiple errors with quotation marks"
Pig shit,["] he muttered.
["]I just want to get this over and done.
You know the old goat has the money.[" - delete]
[" - delete]You can call him Duddles, if you like, Shell. Everybody calls him Duddles -- right, Uncle Jack?["]
sliced cleanly through her neck.,[neck,]
*******************************************************
I'm going to send you a PM later, but here are soem of the things that stand out to me:
a half[-]mile away
You tend to write in passive voice, whereas active voice would make this story stronger. Try to eliminate was/were/etc. wherever you can.
Examples:
On one limb was a tire hanging from a rotting rope.
A tire on a knotted rope hung from one limb.
A man was driving and he had a woman with him.
A man and woman drove up to the house.
Neither of them spoke for awhile after that. The man's breathing was loud in the silence. {awhile means "for a while."}
Instead: Neither of them spoke for [a while], thesilence broken only by the man's loud breathing.
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Hi, Vet and Semper Fi...I want to thank you for catching those blips in my work..I have noted and corrected all of them. While I appreciate your comments and always will, I would be remiss if I didn't ask you what you actuly thought of the writing as a whole...I say that, because so many people on here have always tended to nitpick the small stuff and lose sight of what really is paramoount . . . the writing.
I am anxiioous to look at your work, also. You were aware by the way that the first sentence in this story is required by the contest rules...LOL...I'm sure you are.
Anyhoo, since I have made the changes, do you think there is any chance of an upgrade since a four effects my overall score for the contest. Thanks, Vet..See you soon.
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Nope, missed the contest thingie. But I hope you see that that phrase needs to be related to the door, not the character. I didn't try to nitpick on a posting this long (too long for a line-by-line edit) but I'll take a another look-see and see what I can find. Will probably forward anything I see in a PM. I thought the content was pretty good, but I'm better at punctuation then format and grammar (more black & white rules).
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I'm not sure the individual ratings directly affect the contest; I think it's more about how many votes you collect. Will look again though.
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Ni, Vet...I'm not worried about the contest...I mean the overall rating...When I have a six let's say and then get two fours...It diminishes the overall rating to a Five...See what I men...It's a pride thing more than anything else, plus it encouorages more reads if it is rated higher. Hope you don't mind helping, thanks again, Bob
Comment from lizziebach
Loved the ending to this, those people deserved to be fed to the pigs! I loved some of the following sentences, they were excellent:
He looked like a guppy seeking oxygen at the top of a polluted aquarium
Shelly's eyes peeled the skin off his face.
Being a perfect loser requires just one thing -- practice.
He chuckled and gazed like a fortune teller into her face
I just noticed a couple of mistakes:
The truth was he man wanted a drink - should this be the man wanted a drink?
Also:
You know the old goat has the money." You say he's leaving you - you don't need the speech mark here as its carrying straight on
Overall I found the story really good with some excellent descriptions. However overall it was a little long and I think you could shorten it slightly without harming the story so that it reads faster. Its great though so good luck with the competition!
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Loved the ending to this, those people deserved to be fed to the pigs! I loved some of the following sentences, they were excellent:
He looked like a guppy seeking oxygen at the top of a polluted aquarium
Shelly's eyes peeled the skin off his face.
Being a perfect loser requires just one thing -- practice.
He chuckled and gazed like a fortune teller into her face
I just noticed a couple of mistakes:
The truth was he man wanted a drink - should this be the man wanted a drink?
Also:
You know the old goat has the money." You say he's leaving you - you don't need the speech mark here as its carrying straight on
Overall I found the story really good with some excellent descriptions. However overall it was a little long and I think you could shorten it slightly without harming the story so that it reads faster. Its great though so good luck with the competition!
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Hi, Izzie..Thanks so much for your fine review...I am honored. I have actually been on the site off and on since its' inception and I am asuming you are fairly new. You have a sharp eye As to length of my story, Te contest allows 7000 words and I flet that cutting it in any way would deminish the storyline, ultimately.
I am not sure how you feel about things in general, but when I review, I tend to base my ratings on the "Overall writing" as opposed to a few missing commas...etc. Don't get me wrong, it all counts...Oh, do I know...I made the corrections you suggested...Any chance of an upgrade of some kind from a four? Unless, you really believe it was only deserving of it. Thanks again, Izzie..Take care, Bob
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5 stars it is then!
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Bless you, Lizzie! Bob
Comment from worldofwordcraft
Hi Mastery
The way you describe your characters is unusual, colourful, and at times humorous; for example, the line:"at least a dozen tattoos covering a variety of subject matter from mothers to sex and Harley-Davidson", made me laugh. There are hundreds of other ways you could've described the same thing, but making it funny takes real skill. Likewise, the way you describe facial expressions, while not funny, conjures up vivid images in the reader's mind; eg. "For just a moment, his eyes were like those of a man trying to figure out how to get inside a bus after the doors have been closed on him"; and:"He looked like a guppy seeking oxygen at the top of a polluted aquarium." Analogies like these are very good - they paint a very clear picture in the reader's mind with a minimum of words - use them whenever you can.
While you have excelled at describing your characters and their expressions, in other places you have spent too much time describing other things, resulting in a story that is too wordy, and overlong. For example,the first two paragraphs don't add anything to the story - although I know you had to start it with a specific sentence, and under other circumstances, you probably wouldn't have chosen to start it that way. Also, your description of Duddy's house is a little too long, and your description of Shelly's search for the cash is much too long: I skipped over most of it. Spending too much time describing settings or relatively boring actions really slows down the pace of your story. Also, the paragraph: "There are moments in a person's life ... no exception will be made for them", sounds very much like the narrator intruding into the story, rather than the character's thoughts. As the rest of the story is told from the character's points of view, this paragraph seems at odds and out of place. Most importantly, it doesn't add anything to the story - you could take it out, and the story would flow better, and the pace would be a little faster. If you really wanted to leave it in, it would be better to re-write it, so it seems more like Duddle's thoughts, rather than your own. For better writing in the future, try this: after you write each paragraph, ask yourself this: "What does this add to my story?" If you're not completely happy with the answer you come up with, try taking out the paragraph, and see if paragraphs above and below it still flow together and make sense. If they do, you don't need the paragraph you're having doubts about. The rule to remember when telling stories is "less is more": fewer words increase the pace, and the faster the pace, the more hooked the reader will be. If your story had been half as long, it would've been twice as good. If not for the excessive wordiness, it would've gotten a 5 from me, but as it is, 3 is still a good mark, coming from me: I'm a tough critic, and this isn't the kind of story I usually read.
I haven't taken off any marks for spelling and grammatical errors - though there are several in your story. I strongly recommend you proofread every story you write before you submit it. I know all about sitting in front of your computer and having a story pour out of you, and I know it's a rush, and every word you type seems perfect at the time, but that's when it's easiest for errors to creep in: that's when what you type is not what you thought you typed.
The language and thoughts your characters use are very natural, and very appropriate to the types of characters they are. Also, you have done a good job of making Clarence and Shelly into characters we hate so much, we cheer when Duddles does them in. This is what makes a story worth telling and a story worth reading: you create characters your readers care about (or hate), and then you give your characters the ending they deserve. Although other aspects of your writing could be improved, your characterisation is spot on, and nailing the characters is the hardest part. They are the vital ingredient, without which the whole 'cake' of your story falls apart. As long as readers feel strongly about your characters, they will keep reading your stories. I hope you're not offended by my criticism: I've tried to give you advice that will help you grow as a writer. Well done, Mastery, and good luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Hi Mastery
The way you describe your characters is unusual, colourful, and at times humorous; for example, the line:"at least a dozen tattoos covering a variety of subject matter from mothers to sex and Harley-Davidson", made me laugh. There are hundreds of other ways you could've described the same thing, but making it funny takes real skill. Likewise, the way you describe facial expressions, while not funny, conjures up vivid images in the reader's mind; eg. "For just a moment, his eyes were like those of a man trying to figure out how to get inside a bus after the doors have been closed on him"; and:"He looked like a guppy seeking oxygen at the top of a polluted aquarium." Analogies like these are very good - they paint a very clear picture in the reader's mind with a minimum of words - use them whenever you can.
While you have excelled at describing your characters and their expressions, in other places you have spent too much time describing other things, resulting in a story that is too wordy, and overlong. For example,the first two paragraphs don't add anything to the story - although I know you had to start it with a specific sentence, and under other circumstances, you probably wouldn't have chosen to start it that way. Also, your description of Duddy's house is a little too long, and your description of Shelly's search for the cash is much too long: I skipped over most of it. Spending too much time describing settings or relatively boring actions really slows down the pace of your story. Also, the paragraph: "There are moments in a person's life ... no exception will be made for them", sounds very much like the narrator intruding into the story, rather than the character's thoughts. As the rest of the story is told from the character's points of view, this paragraph seems at odds and out of place. Most importantly, it doesn't add anything to the story - you could take it out, and the story would flow better, and the pace would be a little faster. If you really wanted to leave it in, it would be better to re-write it, so it seems more like Duddle's thoughts, rather than your own. For better writing in the future, try this: after you write each paragraph, ask yourself this: "What does this add to my story?" If you're not completely happy with the answer you come up with, try taking out the paragraph, and see if paragraphs above and below it still flow together and make sense. If they do, you don't need the paragraph you're having doubts about. The rule to remember when telling stories is "less is more": fewer words increase the pace, and the faster the pace, the more hooked the reader will be. If your story had been half as long, it would've been twice as good. If not for the excessive wordiness, it would've gotten a 5 from me, but as it is, 3 is still a good mark, coming from me: I'm a tough critic, and this isn't the kind of story I usually read.
I haven't taken off any marks for spelling and grammatical errors - though there are several in your story. I strongly recommend you proofread every story you write before you submit it. I know all about sitting in front of your computer and having a story pour out of you, and I know it's a rush, and every word you type seems perfect at the time, but that's when it's easiest for errors to creep in: that's when what you type is not what you thought you typed.
The language and thoughts your characters use are very natural, and very appropriate to the types of characters they are. Also, you have done a good job of making Clarence and Shelly into characters we hate so much, we cheer when Duddles does them in. This is what makes a story worth telling and a story worth reading: you create characters your readers care about (or hate), and then you give your characters the ending they deserve. Although other aspects of your writing could be improved, your characterisation is spot on, and nailing the characters is the hardest part. They are the vital ingredient, without which the whole 'cake' of your story falls apart. As long as readers feel strongly about your characters, they will keep reading your stories. I hope you're not offended by my criticism: I've tried to give you advice that will help you grow as a writer. Well done, Mastery, and good luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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I'm sorry, obviously you haven't been on here all that long, and I appreciate that. Since you have no work posted, I cannot look to your work to see how you handle various stages and themes. Thanks for your input and best of luck...Bob
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I'm sorry, obviously you haven't been on here all that long, and I appreciate that. Since you have no work posted, I cannot look to your work to see how you handle various stages and themes. Thanks for your input and best of luck...Bob
Comment from MaureenC
Mastery, this kept my interest right from the first word to the last. What else could Duddles do? He only acted out of fear. The whole story flows along smoothly and the setting and description are right on.
Good luck in the contest
Maureenc
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Mastery, this kept my interest right from the first word to the last. What else could Duddles do? He only acted out of fear. The whole story flows along smoothly and the setting and description are right on.
Good luck in the contest
Maureenc
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Thanks so much for your time, Maureen! I appreciate your comments and will look forward to reading your work, also.
Comment from bc1yax
Oh my what a story - what a ending, but they both got what they deserved - the storyline and dialogue just grabed me and made me read more - the characters felt so real - no sprag, I did not look - keep writing please - bc1yax
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Oh my what a story - what a ending, but they both got what they deserved - the storyline and dialogue just grabed me and made me read more - the characters felt so real - no sprag, I did not look - keep writing please - bc1yax
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Thanks so much, bc1yax. I truly appreciate your comments and look forward to reading your work soon...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from nor84
Covered with a screen, Duddles Custer had only allowed >>> that sentence has a grammar of problem. The subject is Duddles Custer, not the window, so you need to say something like it was also covered with a screen...
I love your description of the sunset.
I'm seeing "was" what a bit.
When he Cracked (cracked)his window,
The truth was he (the)man wanted a drink
Not ease back into old habits, either, with a casual Manhattan sipped at a brass-rail bar with red leather booths and rows of gleaming glasses stacked in front of a long wall mirror>>> are there words missing here?
, or Beam straight up with water chase,(chaser)
And whatsmore (what's more), he wanted
He had always been too busy worrying about himself and his own pleasures, an ex-wife but no kids. >>>The reference to the ex-wife seems added on. The first part of the sentence is clear.
Quite a description of the woman. You mentioned there is a woman sitting next to him, but I didn't realize it was his ex-wife. I'm not sure who this man is. Duddles saw them come in, so it can't be Duddles. Ah! It's his nephew Clarence.
Neither of (them) spoke for
Great descriptions of these people.
Goodness, is that anyway ( any way)to greet your kin
Thin, brown carpeting >>>I don't think you have to put a comma before a color
I think porkchop is one word
Good dialog, and I like the image of Shelly prancing off to piss like rcehorse.
"Now, Shell! "Darn >>got an extra quote before Darn.
"What's that, you do for a living, Miss." >>take out the comma afte'that' and end with a question mark.
Despite Duddles (Duddles's) protest
His legs felt loose, when Duddles stood. >>>I recommend saying "When Duddles stood, his legs felt loose."
to amble means to go at an easy gait, which seems opposite to the way you describe his getting up.
I love his thoughts -- his mother should have thrown Clarence away and raised the afterbirth.
Shelly's temples pounded at the thought of getting Caught(caught)
Duddles's room
His eyes wide, his face pale; he looked >>>use a comma, not a semcolon. A semicolon has to have two independent clauses.
Great story. Needs an edit, but great!
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Covered with a screen, Duddles Custer had only allowed >>> that sentence has a grammar of problem. The subject is Duddles Custer, not the window, so you need to say something like it was also covered with a screen...
I love your description of the sunset.
I'm seeing "was" what a bit.
When he Cracked (cracked)his window,
The truth was he (the)man wanted a drink
Not ease back into old habits, either, with a casual Manhattan sipped at a brass-rail bar with red leather booths and rows of gleaming glasses stacked in front of a long wall mirror>>> are there words missing here?
, or Beam straight up with water chase,(chaser)
And whatsmore (what's more), he wanted
He had always been too busy worrying about himself and his own pleasures, an ex-wife but no kids. >>>The reference to the ex-wife seems added on. The first part of the sentence is clear.
Quite a description of the woman. You mentioned there is a woman sitting next to him, but I didn't realize it was his ex-wife. I'm not sure who this man is. Duddles saw them come in, so it can't be Duddles. Ah! It's his nephew Clarence.
Neither of (them) spoke for
Great descriptions of these people.
Goodness, is that anyway ( any way)to greet your kin
Thin, brown carpeting >>>I don't think you have to put a comma before a color
I think porkchop is one word
Good dialog, and I like the image of Shelly prancing off to piss like rcehorse.
"Now, Shell! "Darn >>got an extra quote before Darn.
"What's that, you do for a living, Miss." >>take out the comma afte'that' and end with a question mark.
Despite Duddles (Duddles's) protest
His legs felt loose, when Duddles stood. >>>I recommend saying "When Duddles stood, his legs felt loose."
to amble means to go at an easy gait, which seems opposite to the way you describe his getting up.
I love his thoughts -- his mother should have thrown Clarence away and raised the afterbirth.
Shelly's temples pounded at the thought of getting Caught(caught)
Duddles's room
His eyes wide, his face pale; he looked >>>use a comma, not a semcolon. A semicolon has to have two independent clauses.
Great story. Needs an edit, but great!
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Thanks so much for all your help, Nora...You have always been a great help to me. It strikes me that I cannot believe how much of this stuff I miss after revise, revise, revising. Whew! Thanks again for thaking so much time for me....Bob
Comment from Ronni
Quite a wrenching story Bob! Once again, your
meticulous descriptions cast one right into the
scenes as if they were right there witnessing it!
As is so true, does bent on harm and evil fall
prey to sudden demise. Poor Duddles, his war time
instincts kicked in self-defense mode; once again
a survivor, not a killer. The feed for the pigs
that his evil-doers ended up being was deserving
"onk...onk" justice after all...gruesome as it was.
Whew..your stories tilt one's senses into tilt
proportions. Great to have you back...and posting again!
This was a gripping tale indeed.
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Quite a wrenching story Bob! Once again, your
meticulous descriptions cast one right into the
scenes as if they were right there witnessing it!
As is so true, does bent on harm and evil fall
prey to sudden demise. Poor Duddles, his war time
instincts kicked in self-defense mode; once again
a survivor, not a killer. The feed for the pigs
that his evil-doers ended up being was deserving
"onk...onk" justice after all...gruesome as it was.
Whew..your stories tilt one's senses into tilt
proportions. Great to have you back...and posting again!
This was a gripping tale indeed.
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Thanks so much, Ronni . . .It is so good to be back, too. I am honored by your remarks as usual....XXX Bob
