Greed n' Feed
Selfish individuals seldom find true happiness.49 total reviews
Comment from RaymondJohn
There are moments in a person's life when they think the last few feet of film have snapped loose from the reel--how ture. Great line.
Good tension in the scene with Duddles and Shelly. I'm sure she must have been having sphincter contractions, even she handled it well.
Best of luck in the contest. Great to hear from you again. Ray.
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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There are moments in a person's life when they think the last few feet of film have snapped loose from the reel--how ture. Great line.
Good tension in the scene with Duddles and Shelly. I'm sure she must have been having sphincter contractions, even she handled it well.
Best of luck in the contest. Great to hear from you again. Ray.
Comment Written 12-May-2009
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Hi, Raymond...What a guy...Thanks for taking the time to read my somewhat long story. I appreciate as always...Bob
Comment from mommynow
Very strong contest entry. Good luck! I dont see anything to change here. I think you were very creative. I didn't see any (SPAG), very well written. THanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Very strong contest entry. Good luck! I dont see anything to change here. I think you were very creative. I didn't see any (SPAG), very well written. THanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-May-2009
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Thanks so much, Mommy. I assume it's because you are recently a new mom...LOL..Anyhoo, I am very grateful for your kind review...Best of luck to you and I will watch for your ork also...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Very well written story with a great plot and very well developed characters. What a twist! I had figured they were going to kill the old man - yet you surprised me.
I only found one little glitch: "...But it was it was easy to make out.." Hope that helps.
Really enjoyed reading.
Warm wishes
Kat
Got your message. The line is here: "....that had crocheted doilies spread on the arms and headrest. But it was it was easy to make out the worn spots through the gaps in the doilies. A hardwood rocker sat in front of a small television. It was the only other..."
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Very well written story with a great plot and very well developed characters. What a twist! I had figured they were going to kill the old man - yet you surprised me.
I only found one little glitch: "...But it was it was easy to make out.." Hope that helps.
Really enjoyed reading.
Warm wishes
Kat
Got your message. The line is here: "....that had crocheted doilies spread on the arms and headrest. But it was it was easy to make out the worn spots through the gaps in the doilies. A hardwood rocker sat in front of a small television. It was the only other..."
Comment Written 12-May-2009
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Thank you so much, Kat...I truly appreciate your input..Crazy thing....? LOL...I can't find that line in the story? LOL..Can you help? Thanks, Bob (Mastery)
Comment from Starcruiser
Quite gory towards the end but an excellent read! The dialogue & characters really came to life. This was full of interesting elements & well told - especially for a short story! KG
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Quite gory towards the end but an excellent read! The dialogue & characters really came to life. This was full of interesting elements & well told - especially for a short story! KG
Comment Written 12-May-2009
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Thanks so much, KG...I sincerely appreciate that and I love the big 6! Wow! I promise I will keep my eye out for your work in the future, also...Thanks again, Bob (Mastery)
Comment from Solrac
I felt nauseated, sick, I vomited. I said to myself "The hell with this". But a morbid curiosity brought me back, I tried to look at the words without seen the image but it did not work. I closed my nose to avoid the smell, but it was so strong the penetrated my brain. I hated the writer that made me come back, I hated the entire thing. I saw it happen with my own eyes. I could not sleep last night. I got up twice and I started writing a long letter to tell you that what you did to me was not fair. I shut the screen and when I turned to go to bed I saw - Duddles. He was calling me back. My heart pumped faster and I read the story again. I re-lived the damned thing twice. Brilliant!
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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I felt nauseated, sick, I vomited. I said to myself "The hell with this". But a morbid curiosity brought me back, I tried to look at the words without seen the image but it did not work. I closed my nose to avoid the smell, but it was so strong the penetrated my brain. I hated the writer that made me come back, I hated the entire thing. I saw it happen with my own eyes. I could not sleep last night. I got up twice and I started writing a long letter to tell you that what you did to me was not fair. I shut the screen and when I turned to go to bed I saw - Duddles. He was calling me back. My heart pumped faster and I read the story again. I re-lived the damned thing twice. Brilliant!
Comment Written 12-May-2009
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Awww! Thanks so much, Solrac! LOL...Sorry about that. (not really) I am so honored you were driven back to it...What a guy! And thanks for the big rate...Bob (Mastery)
Comment from Buctar
Mastery:
A good story with great visuals.
Some observations. See what you think:
I noticed that you use an inordinate number of state-of-being verbs--mostly WAS but others as well. ["If you know anything about writing ... you know to avoid state-of-being verbs unless you are intentionally describing a state of being. State-of-being verbs are the cornerstone of passive voice; effective fiction and creative nonfiction is written in active voice. Stare of being verbs are am, is, are, was, were, be, being, and been. Remember, that anytime you use a state-of-being verb, you're telling the reader something rather than letting him see it for himself. Page 117-118 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction - Harvey Stanbrough])
Cheeks that were flecked with tiny blue and red veins. (Incomplete sentence. OK for dialogue but less acceptable in narrative. Recommend: Tiny blue and red veins flecked his cheeks.)
he SUDDENLY felt totally incapable of doing so. (SUDDENLY is one of those useless words that should be avoided. You can remove it and not change anything. ["There are a lot of words that are used ALMOST unconsciously, PRACTICALLY scattering them throughout out texts, THEN, SUDDENLY discovering later that removing them makes no difference to the text. Deleting these words does nothing but make the sentence better." Page 228-229 The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman) [The all cap words are ones to be avoided])
Company, ha! Here we go again. Gimme, gimme, gimmee. (This is dialogue--either internal or external. If it is a thought, it should be in italics. If it is spoken words, it should bu inside quotation marks.)
"Hello, boy -- I said what do you want?" (I don't understand the use of an em dash here. Recommend: "Hello, boy. I said what do you want?")
"Hi," said Shelly, (Said reversal. Recommend: "Hi," Shelly said. My first editor took me out behind the wood shed for this. Also:[Sometimes, for some odd reason, the writer chooses to reverse the sequence of the words in the tag line (i.e, from "Sandy said" to "said Sandy" to from "John muttered, to "muttered John," a practice that serves no practical purpose and momentarily confuses the reader, as will any reverse construction (generally putting the verb ahead of the subject). Remember, you want the reader to get through the tag line as quickly as possible so he can get back to being involved in the dialogue. Unless your specific aim is to confuse the reader, don't use reverse construction." Page 21 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction - Harvey Stanbrough])
"Clarence has told me so much about you.(,)" she said (Same said reversal--here and many other places as well-- but there should not be a period inside the quotation mark. It should be a comma.)
"Just finishing my supper," said Duddles. He rested his fists on either side of his plate, fork and knife in his grips, as if guarding the food from poachers. "I only cooked a coupla' chops. Hope you two et," he said. (You have already identified the speaker with the "said Duddles." It is not needed a second time. The best tag line is the one not used. I would get rid of the "he said."NO Tag: [Use tag lines only when they are absolutely necessity; otherwise, they're just extra text. Page 20 - Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction - Harvey Stanbrough])
you got in the old liquor stash, 'eh[.]" (Missing the period as shown.)
"Well, pour a stiff one for me too, as long as it's out," said Shelly, as she made her way back to the couch. "Come on, old man. Damn!" she said. ("she said" is not necessary since "said Sally" already identified the speaker.)
"What?" Her head swiveled in his direction. ["]Who are you kiddin, lamebrain? (You need the quotation marks to start the dialogue.)
He turned to face her..(Remove the extra period.)
your boyfriend has the reverse King Midas touch, everything he puts his hands on turns to shit. (The comma should be a period or a semicolon.)
"Boy . . . You're good. ("You're should start with a lower case Y. Recommend: "Boy . . . you're good.)
"What's that you do for a living, Miss?" (I think Miss should be lower case. Capitalization: The general rule, Civil, military, religious, and professional titles are capitalized when they immediately precede a personal name and are thus used as part of the name (usually replacing the title holder's first name). Titles are normally lowercased when following a name or used in place of a name. [Exception to the general rule: A title used alone in place of a personal name is capitalized only in such context as a toast or a formal introduction, or when used in direct addresses. Example: I would have done it Captain, but the ship was sinking.]
Example: the general; General Ulysses S. Grant, commander in chief of the Union army.... The private, Private T. C. Alhambra (The Chicago Manual of Style pp. 317-320])
He was having difficulty breathing.. (I would remove the extra period.)
Suddenly, Clarence loosened his grip. (Same SUDDENLY discussion as above.)
own blood thundering in their ears (Since this is very visual, the reader will tend to remember it. This is the third time you have used it. I would limit it to two.)
I loved the ending.
Hope this helps.
Bill
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Mastery:
A good story with great visuals.
Some observations. See what you think:
I noticed that you use an inordinate number of state-of-being verbs--mostly WAS but others as well. ["If you know anything about writing ... you know to avoid state-of-being verbs unless you are intentionally describing a state of being. State-of-being verbs are the cornerstone of passive voice; effective fiction and creative nonfiction is written in active voice. Stare of being verbs are am, is, are, was, were, be, being, and been. Remember, that anytime you use a state-of-being verb, you're telling the reader something rather than letting him see it for himself. Page 117-118 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction - Harvey Stanbrough])
Cheeks that were flecked with tiny blue and red veins. (Incomplete sentence. OK for dialogue but less acceptable in narrative. Recommend: Tiny blue and red veins flecked his cheeks.)
he SUDDENLY felt totally incapable of doing so. (SUDDENLY is one of those useless words that should be avoided. You can remove it and not change anything. ["There are a lot of words that are used ALMOST unconsciously, PRACTICALLY scattering them throughout out texts, THEN, SUDDENLY discovering later that removing them makes no difference to the text. Deleting these words does nothing but make the sentence better." Page 228-229 The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman) [The all cap words are ones to be avoided])
Company, ha! Here we go again. Gimme, gimme, gimmee. (This is dialogue--either internal or external. If it is a thought, it should be in italics. If it is spoken words, it should bu inside quotation marks.)
"Hello, boy -- I said what do you want?" (I don't understand the use of an em dash here. Recommend: "Hello, boy. I said what do you want?")
"Hi," said Shelly, (Said reversal. Recommend: "Hi," Shelly said. My first editor took me out behind the wood shed for this. Also:[Sometimes, for some odd reason, the writer chooses to reverse the sequence of the words in the tag line (i.e, from "Sandy said" to "said Sandy" to from "John muttered, to "muttered John," a practice that serves no practical purpose and momentarily confuses the reader, as will any reverse construction (generally putting the verb ahead of the subject). Remember, you want the reader to get through the tag line as quickly as possible so he can get back to being involved in the dialogue. Unless your specific aim is to confuse the reader, don't use reverse construction." Page 21 Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction - Harvey Stanbrough])
"Clarence has told me so much about you.(,)" she said (Same said reversal--here and many other places as well-- but there should not be a period inside the quotation mark. It should be a comma.)
"Just finishing my supper," said Duddles. He rested his fists on either side of his plate, fork and knife in his grips, as if guarding the food from poachers. "I only cooked a coupla' chops. Hope you two et," he said. (You have already identified the speaker with the "said Duddles." It is not needed a second time. The best tag line is the one not used. I would get rid of the "he said."NO Tag: [Use tag lines only when they are absolutely necessity; otherwise, they're just extra text. Page 20 - Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction - Harvey Stanbrough])
you got in the old liquor stash, 'eh[.]" (Missing the period as shown.)
"Well, pour a stiff one for me too, as long as it's out," said Shelly, as she made her way back to the couch. "Come on, old man. Damn!" she said. ("she said" is not necessary since "said Sally" already identified the speaker.)
"What?" Her head swiveled in his direction. ["]Who are you kiddin, lamebrain? (You need the quotation marks to start the dialogue.)
He turned to face her..(Remove the extra period.)
your boyfriend has the reverse King Midas touch, everything he puts his hands on turns to shit. (The comma should be a period or a semicolon.)
"Boy . . . You're good. ("You're should start with a lower case Y. Recommend: "Boy . . . you're good.)
"What's that you do for a living, Miss?" (I think Miss should be lower case. Capitalization: The general rule, Civil, military, religious, and professional titles are capitalized when they immediately precede a personal name and are thus used as part of the name (usually replacing the title holder's first name). Titles are normally lowercased when following a name or used in place of a name. [Exception to the general rule: A title used alone in place of a personal name is capitalized only in such context as a toast or a formal introduction, or when used in direct addresses. Example: I would have done it Captain, but the ship was sinking.]
Example: the general; General Ulysses S. Grant, commander in chief of the Union army.... The private, Private T. C. Alhambra (The Chicago Manual of Style pp. 317-320])
He was having difficulty breathing.. (I would remove the extra period.)
Suddenly, Clarence loosened his grip. (Same SUDDENLY discussion as above.)
own blood thundering in their ears (Since this is very visual, the reader will tend to remember it. This is the third time you have used it. I would limit it to two.)
I loved the ending.
Hope this helps.
Bill
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 12-May-2009
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Thanks, Bill I appreciate your input...Bob
Comment from maxic59
Very good.............I knew what the ending would be half way down, but I still had a chuckle at the end.............very well written..........I loved the name 'Duddles'
cheers max
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Very good.............I knew what the ending would be half way down, but I still had a chuckle at the end.............very well written..........I loved the name 'Duddles'
cheers max
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Hi, Maxi! Wow! Thnks so much! I don't know what gave it away? But you got me and I truly am grateful for the rating and the fine review...I will be checking your work also, if you don't mind...Thanks again, Bob (Mastery)
Comment from Mengleoh67
Holy cow...er pig! What a great story. The characters are well developed and three demensional if not lovable. The storyline is clasic without being trite or boring and for someone who's Daddy used to give her dire warnings about not falling into the hog pen a nice walk down memory lane.
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Holy cow...er pig! What a great story. The characters are well developed and three demensional if not lovable. The storyline is clasic without being trite or boring and for someone who's Daddy used to give her dire warnings about not falling into the hog pen a nice walk down memory lane.
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Well, after reading your bio,Mengleoh, I am twice as grateful for your fine review. You are obviously a very wrm intelligent human being. I am mglad you appreciated my work and I will be anxious to read yours as time allows also..Thanks again, Bob, Mastery
Comment from cooljules
This was a great horror story! The victims could not have been more contemptible and I was happy to see them meet their fate. The language they used and their mannerisms conveyed them as the worst of "white trash." The descriptions were original and inspired. Duddle's thoughts were interspersed well throughout. I found a couple minor spag - "I've had lots of jobs." He said poured himself another triple - drop the "said." "Aught" should be ought. "Heisted" should be hoisted. "Racquet" should be racket. "paced herself., but she tottered" - drop the period. The last line was great!
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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This was a great horror story! The victims could not have been more contemptible and I was happy to see them meet their fate. The language they used and their mannerisms conveyed them as the worst of "white trash." The descriptions were original and inspired. Duddle's thoughts were interspersed well throughout. I found a couple minor spag - "I've had lots of jobs." He said poured himself another triple - drop the "said." "Aught" should be ought. "Heisted" should be hoisted. "Racquet" should be racket. "paced herself., but she tottered" - drop the period. The last line was great!
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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First of all, thankyou so much for the high marks in spite of my flubs...I'm glad you recognize that nothing is perfect in this world,as opposed to others who would rate this a three for two commas out of place and ignore the writing all together. I thank you, so much! I also want to thank you forpointing out my mishaps...LOL...It all helps as you probably know. I have been on here since 2004 but cannot remember you..but I fully intend to follow your writing from here on in. Anyone with your moxie has to be a good writer..Thanks again, Bob (Mastery)
Comment from BethShelby
What a horror story. It was well-written and gripping. It caught my attention and held it. You told the story with a lot of description and the dialogue was excellent.
Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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What a horror story. It was well-written and gripping. It caught my attention and held it. You told the story with a lot of description and the dialogue was excellent.
Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 11-May-2009
reply by the author on 11-May-2009
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Awww! Thanks so very much, Beth. I am humbled, you honor me. I look forward to reading your work, as well. Seems to me I remember you from the last time I was on here about two years ago? No? Thanks again, Bob (Mastery)
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Awww! Thanks so very much, Beth. I am humbled, you honor me. I look forward to reading your work, as well. Seems to me I remember you from the last time I was on here about two years ago? No? Thanks again, Bob (Mastery)
