Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Murder in Paradise"Some bloodlines run very deep.
18 total reviews
Comment from Teri7
This is a very good chapter you have penned. I don't think I have read any of the other chapters. You used great descriptive wording and great dialog. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 20-May-2009
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This is a very good chapter you have penned. I don't think I have read any of the other chapters. You used great descriptive wording and great dialog. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 20-May-2009
reply by the author on 20-May-2009
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Thank you so much, Teri, for such a wonderful and encouraging review. :)
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great work
Comment from Tellis
Yikes! Where's Stan? He needs to hurry and save her. I really enjoy reading this well written piece. Keep the good work coming.
Tellis
reply by the author on 09-May-2009
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Yikes! Where's Stan? He needs to hurry and save her. I really enjoy reading this well written piece. Keep the good work coming.
Tellis
Comment Written 08-May-2009
reply by the author on 09-May-2009
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Thank you so much, Tellis! Stan has his hands full now. :)
Comment from Vladilynn
Heeeee.heeeee.. I'll be earning than 2cents here!! hihaaa!! loll
Gessssshh!! what a novel another excitement for this chapter! Hurry up for the next one!! I'll be waiting~ heee.heeeee...
Very nice scenes and really very taunting to be eager to know the next chapter!
very well written of course!!
Thank you for sharing
love much
Lynn ( ^ _______ ^ )
reply by the author on 08-May-2009
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Heeeee.heeeee.. I'll be earning than 2cents here!! hihaaa!! loll
Gessssshh!! what a novel another excitement for this chapter! Hurry up for the next one!! I'll be waiting~ heee.heeeee...
Very nice scenes and really very taunting to be eager to know the next chapter!
very well written of course!!
Thank you for sharing
love much
Lynn ( ^ _______ ^ )
Comment Written 08-May-2009
reply by the author on 08-May-2009
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Thank you for reading and your continued support Lynn! :)
Comment from jlsavell
NightWriter, bravo, bravo..wish I had a six..will have to upgrade Sunday!!! Sir you can tell a story. My heart was pounding. Vivid scenes. The tension absolutely superb!!! I feel like I am in a movie theatre watching this unfold!!! jimi
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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NightWriter, bravo, bravo..wish I had a six..will have to upgrade Sunday!!! Sir you can tell a story. My heart was pounding. Vivid scenes. The tension absolutely superb!!! I feel like I am in a movie theatre watching this unfold!!! jimi
Comment Written 07-May-2009
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Thank you so much, Jimi! Your review tells me the magic of story telling is working. :) I'm so glad you enjoyed this. Thanks again! :)
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you are a magical story teller..that is for sure my friend!!!!
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You are too kind, and I do appreciate your continued support and encouragement. You too are quite the writer. :)
Comment from knowledge
This is a horror thriller. Very good job as you paint the storm and all the mayhem that is happening here. I love it.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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This is a horror thriller. Very good job as you paint the storm and all the mayhem that is happening here. I love it.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 07-May-2009
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Thank you so much! :)
Comment from adewpearl
legs gave out, causing Chuck add comma
Come here, my sweetheart add comma
You love to tease me with your cliffhanger chapter endings
Boy, what a rampage Brook has been on while in her trance - cleaned out a whole blood bank in addition to all those poor folks with the fang marks - this is one gruesome and gory chapter! Brooke
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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legs gave out, causing Chuck add comma
Come here, my sweetheart add comma
You love to tease me with your cliffhanger chapter endings
Boy, what a rampage Brook has been on while in her trance - cleaned out a whole blood bank in addition to all those poor folks with the fang marks - this is one gruesome and gory chapter! Brooke
Comment Written 07-May-2009
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Thank you so much Brooke for another wonderful review! Linda's on a journey, and needed to stock up on supplies before she left. I've created a monster, LOL!
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Steve. A gripping write. I could see all the sprawling bodies, and the blood-messed room. Great description.
Her legs wobbled and shook walking up the side and boarded.
-read awkward to me. try:
Her legs wobbled and shook [as she walked] up the side and boarded.
Chuck [stood, looking] at Lori while shaking his head. - no need 'up'
The two officers on duty were found sitting in their chairs with their throats [bit]. - bitten?
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Hi Steve. A gripping write. I could see all the sprawling bodies, and the blood-messed room. Great description.
Her legs wobbled and shook walking up the side and boarded.
-read awkward to me. try:
Her legs wobbled and shook [as she walked] up the side and boarded.
Chuck [stood, looking] at Lori while shaking his head. - no need 'up'
The two officers on duty were found sitting in their chairs with their throats [bit]. - bitten?
Comment Written 07-May-2009
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review and excellent suggestions! :)
Comment from Sasha
Definitely the best chapter so far. Incredibly face pace, full of tension, and fear. Not knowing where Stan is, is nerve wracking. Leaving us with Brook about to be bitten by Linda is a real cliff-hanger. I cannot wait for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Definitely the best chapter so far. Incredibly face pace, full of tension, and fear. Not knowing where Stan is, is nerve wracking. Leaving us with Brook about to be bitten by Linda is a real cliff-hanger. I cannot wait for the next chapter.
Comment Written 07-May-2009
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Wow, you've come a long way reading every chapter!!! Thank you so much for your interest and continued support and another beautiful review. You made my day. :)
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Wow, that Linda really has a lot to answer for.
Scary story as well as action packed vampire thriller.
A chilling end, with Linda turning out to be the vampire and Brook her next victim.
I enjoyed reading.
I saw no spags.
Juliette
reply by the author on 06-May-2009
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Wow, that Linda really has a lot to answer for.
Scary story as well as action packed vampire thriller.
A chilling end, with Linda turning out to be the vampire and Brook her next victim.
I enjoyed reading.
I saw no spags.
Juliette
Comment Written 06-May-2009
reply by the author on 06-May-2009
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Thank you so much for reading and your wonderful review, Juliette!
Comment from Jonez08
I think Linda has lost her marbles. Unbelievable! Good and gory chapter, Steve. I love the ending. It'll be good to see what happens with Brook.
Lori rushed to the dock (as) the Wishes dinner cruise ship slowly pulled into port. Chuck and Jim joined her (as) she shuffled up to the ship. Lori swallowed hard (as) fear stabbed at her stomach. Tears welled up in her eyes. Her legs wobbled and shook (as) she walked up the side and boarded.
(suggestion: you have used (as) four times in this paragraph. Consider rephrasing. The first one works okay.)
Several times as Lori stepped down the stairs, her legs gave out causing Chuck to grab her arm to keep her from falling.
(consider: Lori almost lost her footing several times as she descended the stairs. Chuck grabbed her arm to keep her from falling. )
She turned around and smacked into Chuck.
(consider: She turned and collided with chuck.)
Chuck picked up his radio. "What do you have, (Sarah?)"
--[previously you used (Sara)
Sarah (was kneeling) next to the man who collapsed in the hall
(this is passive, try (knelt)
Brook walked toward her deep in (a) trance.
(consider: Deep in a trance, Brook walked toward her)
Brook knelt(down) and crawled inside turning on her side staring straight ahead
(not needed, saying knelt indicates down)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 06-May-2009
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I think Linda has lost her marbles. Unbelievable! Good and gory chapter, Steve. I love the ending. It'll be good to see what happens with Brook.
Lori rushed to the dock (as) the Wishes dinner cruise ship slowly pulled into port. Chuck and Jim joined her (as) she shuffled up to the ship. Lori swallowed hard (as) fear stabbed at her stomach. Tears welled up in her eyes. Her legs wobbled and shook (as) she walked up the side and boarded.
(suggestion: you have used (as) four times in this paragraph. Consider rephrasing. The first one works okay.)
Several times as Lori stepped down the stairs, her legs gave out causing Chuck to grab her arm to keep her from falling.
(consider: Lori almost lost her footing several times as she descended the stairs. Chuck grabbed her arm to keep her from falling. )
She turned around and smacked into Chuck.
(consider: She turned and collided with chuck.)
Chuck picked up his radio. "What do you have, (Sarah?)"
--[previously you used (Sara)
Sarah (was kneeling) next to the man who collapsed in the hall
(this is passive, try (knelt)
Brook walked toward her deep in (a) trance.
(consider: Deep in a trance, Brook walked toward her)
Brook knelt(down) and crawled inside turning on her side staring straight ahead
(not needed, saying knelt indicates down)
Cassandra
Comment Written 06-May-2009
reply by the author on 06-May-2009
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Thank you so much for reading and your wonderful review, Cassandra! Thanks also for the excellent suggestions. I'll put them to good use. :) Linda has become a mad scientist, LOL.
