Ralph
Everyone has a destiny.49 total reviews
Comment from Judian James
Oh Ann, I loved this story. I thought the italics in the dog's voice was priceless and I'm so pleased you managed to save Ralph from being taken away from Billy. Children would love this story. excellent
reply by the author on 03-May-2009
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Oh Ann, I loved this story. I thought the italics in the dog's voice was priceless and I'm so pleased you managed to save Ralph from being taken away from Billy. Children would love this story. excellent
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 03-May-2009
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Thanks. I found writing a children's story much more difficult than I imagined, but tons of fun. I appreciate the generous review. ann
Comment from Rabianabian
This is a very good story, I really enjoyed it. This is a very good children's story. I agree, they are harder to write than one would have thought. Excellent job.
reply by the author on 03-May-2009
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This is a very good story, I really enjoyed it. This is a very good children's story. I agree, they are harder to write than one would have thought. Excellent job.
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 03-May-2009
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Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate your time in sharing your thoughts with me. ann
Comment from OldVet
That was very cute! I thnk you did just fine--especially for a first attempt. I think you might be a a couple of years in your target (6-8 in my view).
I know the rules say not to change the first sentence, but if you could it would be more effective as: "Ralph was a loveable dog--when he wasn't chasing cats
Suggestions:
He eased to the door[;] a low growl rumbled in his chest and oozed up his throat.
[Independent clause/no contraction]
No reason to be in MY house!
[When writing a sentence in italics, if you want to emphasize a word, put it in plain font rather then upper case; just the opposite of plain font with an emphasised wird in italics.]
Billy crawled under his bed[,] and his dad dashed into the hallway.
reply by the author on 03-May-2009
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That was very cute! I thnk you did just fine--especially for a first attempt. I think you might be a a couple of years in your target (6-8 in my view).
I know the rules say not to change the first sentence, but if you could it would be more effective as: "Ralph was a loveable dog--when he wasn't chasing cats
Suggestions:
He eased to the door[;] a low growl rumbled in his chest and oozed up his throat.
[Independent clause/no contraction]
No reason to be in MY house!
[When writing a sentence in italics, if you want to emphasize a word, put it in plain font rather then upper case; just the opposite of plain font with an emphasised wird in italics.]
Billy crawled under his bed[,] and his dad dashed into the hallway.
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 03-May-2009
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Thanks! I always look forward to your reviews because I know I will learn from them. No disappointment this time! I had no idea on the italics/plain font thing. Thanks.
ann
Comment from RaymondJohn
I would build up the tension about the intruder much more. It could be really excellent if told comepletely from Ralphie's point of view. Cute story. I think you'll do well with it. Best wishes. Ray.
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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I would build up the tension about the intruder much more. It could be really excellent if told comepletely from Ralphie's point of view. Cute story. I think you'll do well with it. Best wishes. Ray.
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate the suggestions. ann
Comment from Zaphod
A really great first attempt. I thought this worked well. Cute dog by the way. I like how you got inside his head.
I didn't see anything wrong on my read.
All in all this should do really well in the contest.
Keep up the great work,
Z
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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A really great first attempt. I thought this worked well. Cute dog by the way. I like how you got inside his head.
I didn't see anything wrong on my read.
All in all this should do really well in the contest.
Keep up the great work,
Z
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting. ann
Comment from bc1yax
Oh how this is so true - my wife was the same way with bubba our germen shepard until some young kid tryed to break into our home, bubba keep him in a corner till the police got there - good kids story - my girls talk about bubba and how he saved them any chance they can - bc1yax
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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Oh how this is so true - my wife was the same way with bubba our germen shepard until some young kid tryed to break into our home, bubba keep him in a corner till the police got there - good kids story - my girls talk about bubba and how he saved them any chance they can - bc1yax
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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thanks so very much for reading and commenting. I appreciate your support. ann
Comment from Donovan
This is a good story, has a good moral. Kid, if you do not conform to all the rules of the house we are sending you to an orphanage, unless in the waning moments you do something for us. Remember my child, our love is very conditional. (A good story, well written, I liked it)
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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This is a good story, has a good moral. Kid, if you do not conform to all the rules of the house we are sending you to an orphanage, unless in the waning moments you do something for us. Remember my child, our love is very conditional. (A good story, well written, I liked it)
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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You made me laugh! Thanks - morning laughs are the best. I appreciate your reading and commenting. ann
Comment from LadyJ.
I think you did well. The story was good, the flow was fine and funny, the theme was felt throughout. I loved the dogs dialogue. I don't think I spotted any spags
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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I think you did well. The story was good, the flow was fine and funny, the theme was felt throughout. I loved the dogs dialogue. I don't think I spotted any spags
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate your time. ann
Comment from maggieJo
ann! This is surely a winner! I''m a child at heart (at age 85). I love your story. I saw nothing to be changed or altered. The ages you chose for this sweet story is perfect. I am a retired school teacher and can just see and feel Billy's -- and Ralph's point of view. This, to me is a winner! Good job, pulling it off. You stuck to the rules too!
maggiejo
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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ann! This is surely a winner! I''m a child at heart (at age 85). I love your story. I saw nothing to be changed or altered. The ages you chose for this sweet story is perfect. I am a retired school teacher and can just see and feel Billy's -- and Ralph's point of view. This, to me is a winner! Good job, pulling it off. You stuck to the rules too!
maggiejo
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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Thanks so much. I appreciate your time in reading and commenting and especially te good luck wishes! ann
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You are so welcome. :)
maggiejo
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You are so welcome. :)
maggiejo
Comment from filmoreodragon
Wonderful story. I love happy endings punctuated by excitement. Maybe the moral could be "You don't appreciate what you have until you are about to lose it" as well as the two you mentioned. And yes, children's stories are hard enough to write without the restrictions you just dealt with. Good job and good luck!
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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Wonderful story. I love happy endings punctuated by excitement. Maybe the moral could be "You don't appreciate what you have until you are about to lose it" as well as the two you mentioned. And yes, children's stories are hard enough to write without the restrictions you just dealt with. Good job and good luck!
Comment Written 02-May-2009
reply by the author on 02-May-2009
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Thanks so much for the kind words and generous review. I appreciate your time in reading and commenting--as well as the additional moral I hadn't considered. ann
