Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "What was that?"Some bloodlines run very deep.
17 total reviews
Comment from findingmyroom
I was starting to think Jimmy could actually do something straight up, then BAM his true colors come through. Nice way to plant the red herring, by the way, with the comment Stan makes about not sensing the cancer in Amanda.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2009
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I was starting to think Jimmy could actually do something straight up, then BAM his true colors come through. Nice way to plant the red herring, by the way, with the comment Stan makes about not sensing the cancer in Amanda.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review. You don't miss much, LOL. It's all about motives and opportunities with these guys. Stan's just telling it like he sees it. Thanks again!
Comment from Vladilynn
Wow!!! wondering who's feeding them all the information???
Stan died!!!!!!!!!!!! what???? how smart that Jimmy to fake and have the trust of Stan!!?
Geessshh!! I need to read more~
Thank you for sharing
love much
Lynn ( ^ _______ ^ )
reply by the author on 08-May-2009
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Wow!!! wondering who's feeding them all the information???
Stan died!!!!!!!!!!!! what???? how smart that Jimmy to fake and have the trust of Stan!!?
Geessshh!! I need to read more~
Thank you for sharing
love much
Lynn ( ^ _______ ^ )
Comment Written 08-May-2009
reply by the author on 08-May-2009
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Thank you so much, Lynn! NO, Stan didn't die, not yet anyway, LOL. :)
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what!!???????? NOT YET!!!!!!!!!!!!???? what??? noooooo!!!!!!
that's not fair!! :P
Comment from Sasha
This is a great chapter but somehow I would have thought if Stan could detect that Amanda didn't have cancer that would have been a signal something was up. I understand the holy water but again feel Stan would have been able to detect it. Otherwise a fascinating and tense chapter.
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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This is a great chapter but somehow I would have thought if Stan could detect that Amanda didn't have cancer that would have been a signal something was up. I understand the holy water but again feel Stan would have been able to detect it. Otherwise a fascinating and tense chapter.
Comment Written 07-May-2009
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Thank you for your wonderful review! I think even though Stan didn't sense any cancer, he wasn't going to turn down a free dinner or risk a shakey Vegas deal with Jimmy. The holy water he wouldn't sense since it wasn't a danger. Now he has a Vegas hotel to build which will let him expand his Wishes empire -- but first he has to deal with Linda, a serious threat because she knows him too well. Thanks again!
Comment from babylonia
hmmm ... is stan dead? or is he sleeping? looks like he should have had linda check this woman out first. holy water ....
easy to read and follow. a few spaggies.
Pointing a finger to her head (comma) he said,
ignoring Lori's angry stare (comma) he looked at Stan
tension as you push the air out all the way out (drop first out)
imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2009
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hmmm ... is stan dead? or is he sleeping? looks like he should have had linda check this woman out first. holy water ....
easy to read and follow. a few spaggies.
Pointing a finger to her head (comma) he said,
ignoring Lori's angry stare (comma) he looked at Stan
tension as you push the air out all the way out (drop first out)
imagery is excellent.
love,
barbara
Comment Written 13-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2009
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Looks like a few gremlins were still hanging around. Thank you Barbara for your wonderful review and for your eagle eye in catching those spaggies!
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you are very welcome~
i am glad to see that holy water had no serious affect on stan. LOL i get a kick out of the myth that all "evil" succumbs to holy water. the very things they are talking about existed thousands of years before holy water was invented. christians ... gotta love them for trying.
:P
Comment from jlsavell
Oh my NightWriter, you have me on the edge of my seat. How is this going to play out..my head is spinning!!!!!! I have got to get to the next chapter sir..well done as always..I almost want Stan to bite my neck..lol..jimi
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2009
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Oh my NightWriter, you have me on the edge of my seat. How is this going to play out..my head is spinning!!!!!! I have got to get to the next chapter sir..well done as always..I almost want Stan to bite my neck..lol..jimi
Comment Written 11-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much, Jimi! That's exactly the kind of reaction I hope for when I write about Stan, LOL. :)
Comment from rmdelta
nightwriter, another excellent chapter, my friend. It was filled with great action and passion. I found it to have terrific dialogue as well.
Great work
Regie
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2009
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nightwriter, another excellent chapter, my friend. It was filled with great action and passion. I found it to have terrific dialogue as well.
Great work
Regie
Comment Written 06-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review, Regie!
Comment from adewpearl
I see where you're mind is going should be your mind
She was pumped full of holy water? Wow, that is double-crossing of the most resourceful type. Is Stan really dead?
I sure hope not. And now the whole plane crash thing - I'm ready for the next chapter!! Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2009
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I see where you're mind is going should be your mind
She was pumped full of holy water? Wow, that is double-crossing of the most resourceful type. Is Stan really dead?
I sure hope not. And now the whole plane crash thing - I'm ready for the next chapter!! Brooke
Comment Written 06-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2009
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Don't we writers live on suspense, LOL! Stan will be back in the next chapter, but someone won't see another sunrise.
Thank you so much Brooke!
Comment from Alcaide
NightWriter,
I better stop there for I don't want to seem to be too nitpicky. I think you should reduce your word count on some sentences but that's a matter of styling and comfort. I prefer quick sentences. They can be long, but they have to arrive at the point asap. Again, that's my preference. Sorry if I get a little carried away with the suggestions. I belong to writer's group, and I am used to detailed critiques.
"many important dignitaries " NW, this feels like tautology to me, for dignitaries are always important.
Jimmy and his wife stood and turned around. Suggestion. Eliminate "around" or or add "to face them." It's more specific.
Lori kept her eyes focused on Jimmy with a look that said if she had a gun, he would be dead already. NW,Show me this expression that says that if she had gun he would be dead. Does her eyes narrow? Does she tighten her jaw? Is her breathing accelerated and hard? Show me her jugalar veins popping out. Show me something physical so that I as a reader can sympathize with Lori.
...of the room[,] closing...
Clearly[,] you have --- the adverb is modifying the entire sentence so the comma would help.
He continued to focus a hard look at Lori as if they were in a private war of nerves between themselves. A proper verb would work better in this instance and would eliminate some to the wordiness. "He leered at Lori, locked in a private war." Try to get to the point as quickly as possible, your reader would love it.
The carotid pulse beat fast and hard in her throat. Her face flushed with anger as she snapped back her reply. "Fuck you!" Yeah! I like this. Now, I can see her. You need a little more sensory like this in this chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2009
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NightWriter,
I better stop there for I don't want to seem to be too nitpicky. I think you should reduce your word count on some sentences but that's a matter of styling and comfort. I prefer quick sentences. They can be long, but they have to arrive at the point asap. Again, that's my preference. Sorry if I get a little carried away with the suggestions. I belong to writer's group, and I am used to detailed critiques.
"many important dignitaries " NW, this feels like tautology to me, for dignitaries are always important.
Jimmy and his wife stood and turned around. Suggestion. Eliminate "around" or or add "to face them." It's more specific.
Lori kept her eyes focused on Jimmy with a look that said if she had a gun, he would be dead already. NW,Show me this expression that says that if she had gun he would be dead. Does her eyes narrow? Does she tighten her jaw? Is her breathing accelerated and hard? Show me her jugalar veins popping out. Show me something physical so that I as a reader can sympathize with Lori.
...of the room[,] closing...
Clearly[,] you have --- the adverb is modifying the entire sentence so the comma would help.
He continued to focus a hard look at Lori as if they were in a private war of nerves between themselves. A proper verb would work better in this instance and would eliminate some to the wordiness. "He leered at Lori, locked in a private war." Try to get to the point as quickly as possible, your reader would love it.
The carotid pulse beat fast and hard in her throat. Her face flushed with anger as she snapped back her reply. "Fuck you!" Yeah! I like this. Now, I can see her. You need a little more sensory like this in this chapter.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much, Alcaide! I really look forward to your reviews because they make me think. I will work on this and try to show those details. Thank you again for reading!
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello NightWriter
Much as I dislike the idea of vampires here I'm not wanting Stan to be gone (Holy Water) hmmm
( to me he was a hero in a unusual way
He knew how to help make people feel so alive
You certainly had an excellent agreement conversation between Jimmy and Stan on how to help save Amanda.
Your ending let me hanging. What in the world is going on?
Gert
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
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Hello NightWriter
Much as I dislike the idea of vampires here I'm not wanting Stan to be gone (Holy Water) hmmm
( to me he was a hero in a unusual way
He knew how to help make people feel so alive
You certainly had an excellent agreement conversation between Jimmy and Stan on how to help save Amanda.
Your ending let me hanging. What in the world is going on?
Gert
Comment Written 05-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
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Thank you SO MUCH Gert for this awesome rating and encouraging review!!! :) Wow!
Stan will be back in the next chapter, but someone from the last chapter won't see another sunrise. :)
Thanks again for this incredible review.
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You are welcome
Gert
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Night, I found this chapter full of intrigue. You had me guessing what Jimmy was up to and from the previous chapter I anticipated Stan getting at Jimmy. Now everything is in a shambles and we're rushing to save Stan again. Can't let our boy die. I really enjoyed the chapter:
Herewith just a few gremlins - see what you think:
Jimmy stared (at??)Lori down from across the table as everyone sat down.(I read this as Lori looked away??)(down twice in one sentence - perhaps replace one with another word)
Stare - used too often. Perhaps glare in some instances?? or another synonym.
"Stan, I'm out of trusting anyone. You know how (I) feel about these people."
Luv jada
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
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Hi Night, I found this chapter full of intrigue. You had me guessing what Jimmy was up to and from the previous chapter I anticipated Stan getting at Jimmy. Now everything is in a shambles and we're rushing to save Stan again. Can't let our boy die. I really enjoyed the chapter:
Herewith just a few gremlins - see what you think:
Jimmy stared (at??)Lori down from across the table as everyone sat down.(I read this as Lori looked away??)(down twice in one sentence - perhaps replace one with another word)
Stare - used too often. Perhaps glare in some instances?? or another synonym.
"Stan, I'm out of trusting anyone. You know how (I) feel about these people."
Luv jada
Comment Written 05-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review, Jada! No, Stan will be back in the next chapter, but someone will be gone come sunrise, LOL. Thanks for catching those spaggies too!
Steve
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Gees, you still awake. It's 8am in Jo'burg - Sunday morning, bright with sunshine. luv jada
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Wow! It's now 1am here in Wisconsin and we have 3-7 inches of snow in the forecast. I doubt the sun will be out today, LOL.
I'm working on my edits tonight. That's job security! :)
Have a great day!
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You have a good night. Don't work too hard. luv jada
