Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Brook Goes Flying"Some bloodlines run very deep.
15 total reviews
Comment from angel of the quill
magnificent worth the wait
now I am back into the flow wondering what the next page offers
a fight
a twist
romance
love
hm I guess i must wait till you share it.
good work
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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magnificent worth the wait
now I am back into the flow wondering what the next page offers
a fight
a twist
romance
love
hm I guess i must wait till you share it.
good work
Comment Written 31-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review. Even I don't know sometimes. These chapters take off on me and sometimes I look back and ask, where did that come from, LOL. I can see a cat fight between the two wives, but not sure how it will fit in. Could be some interesting supernatural stuff coming too. Thanks again! :)
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I am the same way but I won't bore you they write themselves
if i had talent with grammar or punctuation i would share
but can't as I am
to many bothering about details and not content
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I hear you. I get the same thing too, and so do some pretty good writer's out there so you'd be in good company. The main thing is to write and do the best you can. Some of the reviews will contain little gems you can use, but please don't think you can't write, because we all have something worth writing about. They say we all have at least one good story to tell. :)
Comment from babylonia
i think she could use a couple of glasses or a valium. nothing like walking into a gang war with ms. no-poker face. another good chapter. easy to read and follow. a few spaggies.
Briefly looking at Brook (comma) Jim asked,
Looking down at the scenery passing under the plane's black tire (comma) Brook replied
He stood at over six foot tall, was dressed in an all black suite with a red tie smoking a cigar. (not sure how to fix but as is, it makes it look like his tie is smoking a cigar. LOL)
Her baby blue eyes darted around as she stretched her long bare legs out the door that showed through the part in her dress until her heels touched the roof. (drop that showed through the part in her dress ... not necessary)
imagery is excellent. keep up the good work~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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i think she could use a couple of glasses or a valium. nothing like walking into a gang war with ms. no-poker face. another good chapter. easy to read and follow. a few spaggies.
Briefly looking at Brook (comma) Jim asked,
Looking down at the scenery passing under the plane's black tire (comma) Brook replied
He stood at over six foot tall, was dressed in an all black suite with a red tie smoking a cigar. (not sure how to fix but as is, it makes it look like his tie is smoking a cigar. LOL)
Her baby blue eyes darted around as she stretched her long bare legs out the door that showed through the part in her dress until her heels touched the roof. (drop that showed through the part in her dress ... not necessary)
imagery is excellent. keep up the good work~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 31-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much Barbara for this wonderful and encouraging review! I'll update the chapter with your helpful suggestions today.
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you are very welcome~
brook is living the charmed life even with threats to stan's life.
love,
barbara
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I know. It's interesting how these stories take off. Young love is mighty powerful, but as we'll see in the next chapter, there's a reason for them being out there. I didn't know it at the time, but it came to me later. :)
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LOL now you're writing like i do. good on ya~
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That's the highest compliment I could receive, coming from one so good at writing. Thank you! :)
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you are welcome~
love,
barbara
Comment from K-Patrick
Excellent in keeping with the storyline - good foreshadowing and nice use of dialogue. The descriptions where nice.
Offering my usual rantings:
Read this - carrying one of the world's most powerful and richest men in the world touched down at Daytona International. -- find it? (world's world)
"Cessna 555 Echo Hotel, turn right heading 180. Have a good day sir," -- SInce this is dialogue I think you should spell out 'five five five' and 'one eight zero' And in the other quotes with numbers. I think you did this in the beginning of the book when the helicopter was landing.
Roger, clear to land runway one eight. Wind 180 at 5." ---Again I would spell it out and maybe mention the 5 is knots/mph.
"We're on our way and will be there in minutes." -- This is being handle like a military operation - I think the pilot would know HOW MANY minutes.
rotors on the helicopter quickly slowed and stopped -- I would go the the quickly slowed, but never quite stopped before the visitors exit.
Her baby blue eyes darted around as she stretched her long bare legs out the door that showed through the part in her dress until her heels touched the roof. -- I am picturing but the door is getting in the way of the part in her dress.
Her ring finger was [SP]adored
"I don't like the Godfather coming here. -- sound like she's in the 'family' - maybe revise to something like 'I don't like this Godfather guy coming here.'
"I took a little of Vito's blood earlier. Worst tasting blood I've ever had too. -- I think the quote would be smoother if you ended at had (lose the too).
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Excellent in keeping with the storyline - good foreshadowing and nice use of dialogue. The descriptions where nice.
Offering my usual rantings:
Read this - carrying one of the world's most powerful and richest men in the world touched down at Daytona International. -- find it? (world's world)
"Cessna 555 Echo Hotel, turn right heading 180. Have a good day sir," -- SInce this is dialogue I think you should spell out 'five five five' and 'one eight zero' And in the other quotes with numbers. I think you did this in the beginning of the book when the helicopter was landing.
Roger, clear to land runway one eight. Wind 180 at 5." ---Again I would spell it out and maybe mention the 5 is knots/mph.
"We're on our way and will be there in minutes." -- This is being handle like a military operation - I think the pilot would know HOW MANY minutes.
rotors on the helicopter quickly slowed and stopped -- I would go the the quickly slowed, but never quite stopped before the visitors exit.
Her baby blue eyes darted around as she stretched her long bare legs out the door that showed through the part in her dress until her heels touched the roof. -- I am picturing but the door is getting in the way of the part in her dress.
Her ring finger was [SP]adored
"I don't like the Godfather coming here. -- sound like she's in the 'family' - maybe revise to something like 'I don't like this Godfather guy coming here.'
"I took a little of Vito's blood earlier. Worst tasting blood I've ever had too. -- I think the quote would be smoother if you ended at had (lose the too).
Comment Written 31-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much K-Patrick for your most helpful and encouraging review! I'll make those changes today. Good points.
Comment from jadapenn
Hi Steve, an exhilaring chapter with all the flying. Were you a pilot by any chance? Liked your descriptives and all the tense action with Jimmy's arrival. The intrigue with Stan's motives is enticing. Can't wait to find out what he's up to. I liked the way Lori got all uptight and wanted a gun to put Jimmy in dreamland.
A very good chapter and not one gremlin for you. Sorry ain't got a six when I really need it. luv jada
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Hi Steve, an exhilaring chapter with all the flying. Were you a pilot by any chance? Liked your descriptives and all the tense action with Jimmy's arrival. The intrigue with Stan's motives is enticing. Can't wait to find out what he's up to. I liked the way Lori got all uptight and wanted a gun to put Jimmy in dreamland.
A very good chapter and not one gremlin for you. Sorry ain't got a six when I really need it. luv jada
Comment Written 31-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much Jada! A sixer, wow! It's the thought that counts, LOL. Glad you liked this one. I worked at keeping the chapter shorter. I figured the meeting with the Godfather will be at least a chapter all by itself.
I was a pilot several years ago, but flying around for fun can get expensive unless you have a lot of rich friends who like to go on airplane rides, LOL. About half the people I did take up for a ride got sick, so not steep turns and no zero gravity unless I wanted to clean a mess. Experiencing zero gravity was fun, so was take offs and landings. It's nice to be able to pull on those experiences again and share them here with my writing.
Thanks again!
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Ah, thought so and now you can write your experiences down. Nothing is lost that one learns. Not is you're a writer. luv jada
Comment from adewpearl
Her ring finger was adored with a boulder should be adorned
excellent descriptive detail in that paragraph, by the way!
I like Brook's adventurous personality while in the plane
What about, love? add the comma for direct address
excellent dialogue throughout Brooke
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Her ring finger was adored with a boulder should be adorned
excellent descriptive detail in that paragraph, by the way!
I like Brook's adventurous personality while in the plane
What about, love? add the comma for direct address
excellent dialogue throughout Brooke
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much for the suggestion (good catch!) and encouraging review, Brooke!
