Blood Relations - A Vampire Tale
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Brook Goes Flying"Some bloodlines run very deep.
15 total reviews
Comment from findingmyroom
Bravo. Stan is ready to rumble, in his own suave and sophisticated way. Lori IS way too tense, but her concern is genuine. I like the sequence with Brook and Jim; sounds like you know planes and piloting.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2009
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Bravo. Stan is ready to rumble, in his own suave and sophisticated way. Lori IS way too tense, but her concern is genuine. I like the sequence with Brook and Jim; sounds like you know planes and piloting.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2009
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Thank you so much for reading this chapter and your continued interest in this story and your wonderful review.
I do have a pilot's license, but don't fly anymore, too expensive, LOL. But I found a new use for that knowledge here, which seems to transfer very well and is fun to write about. :)
Thanks again!
Steve
Comment from Vladilynn
okay I'm really catching up with you Mr. heeee.heeeeee.. I tried to read all but my memory lost me and didn't know where I'd stop reviewing it. yap!! can i help laughing with the last part...guys talk are fun to hear!!
Thank you for sharing
love much
Lynn ( ^ _______ ^ )
reply by the author on 08-May-2009
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okay I'm really catching up with you Mr. heeee.heeeeee.. I tried to read all but my memory lost me and didn't know where I'd stop reviewing it. yap!! can i help laughing with the last part...guys talk are fun to hear!!
Thank you for sharing
love much
Lynn ( ^ _______ ^ )
Comment Written 08-May-2009
reply by the author on 08-May-2009
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Thanks Lynn for another wonderful review. The story keeps growing in intensity. :)
Comment from Sasha
Another great chapter. You are getting better at focusing on the story. Your descriptions are great but at times a little to much detail. Fast pace and fun to read. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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Another great chapter. You are getting better at focusing on the story. Your descriptions are great but at times a little to much detail. Fast pace and fun to read. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 07-May-2009
reply by the author on 07-May-2009
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The devil is in the details! Too much and the story becomes boring, too little and the story has no interest, but somewhere in that sweet spot in the middle, it's perfect. I aim for that middle all the time, and with feedback like yours I learn when to add or subtract. Thank you so much for your continued support and feedback!
Comment from Starcruiser
I just finished reading chapters 1-12. You excel in your descriptions of gangsters (Jimmy & Vito), & their dialogue. I think Stan would be the envy of every red-blooded male: beautiful women, good food, & all that wealth. I especially like the reference to a 'Vampire's Justice' system being swift compared to going to local law enforcement - good one! I also like Stan's properties in regards to his venom - if only!!! Well Done ... I look forward to reading chapters 13, 14, (&15?)... KG
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2009
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I just finished reading chapters 1-12. You excel in your descriptions of gangsters (Jimmy & Vito), & their dialogue. I think Stan would be the envy of every red-blooded male: beautiful women, good food, & all that wealth. I especially like the reference to a 'Vampire's Justice' system being swift compared to going to local law enforcement - good one! I also like Stan's properties in regards to his venom - if only!!! Well Done ... I look forward to reading chapters 13, 14, (&15?)... KG
Comment Written 16-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much, KG! Wow, what a wonderful review and all those chapters too. You captured the real spirit of the book. In later chapters we'll learn things about the venom that's not so nice too, LOL. The cool thing is everything I write about has a hint of scientific truth carried out further than we've discovered (so far). In fact the venom idea partly came from scientific research into developing viruses to repair DNA. The advances in stem cell research is another example.
And wow! An EXCEPTIONAL rating blows me away!!! :) Thank you so much. I'm very happy to hear the magic in my writing worked in this story. Hopefully it will continue to get better. In chapter 14, I worked hard on improving description and will keep at it. I do plan to rework some of 14 to bring out more details.
Thanks again! You made my day!
Comment from rmdelta
NightWriter,
Sorry to be so late in reviewing your work, my friend. I was in the hospital for a week with rather serious health problems and still have trouble typing.
This was a very well written chapter and quite full of great descriptives. Very enjoyable read and I found no spags.
Grat work Nightwriter.
Reggie
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2009
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NightWriter,
Sorry to be so late in reviewing your work, my friend. I was in the hospital for a week with rather serious health problems and still have trouble typing.
This was a very well written chapter and quite full of great descriptives. Very enjoyable read and I found no spags.
Grat work Nightwriter.
Reggie
Comment Written 13-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2009
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Thank you for reading and your continued interest as well as wonderful review. I hope you feel better and stronger with every day. I wish you the best of health, Reggie. :)
Steve
Comment from Jonez08
Nice chapter Steve, I really enjoyed! Lori is not feeling this at all...lol. This should be very intersting!!
He stood at over six foot tall, (was) dressed in an all black suite with a red silk tie.
(not needed)
He rubbed his hand through his short grey hair then turned around to help his wife out. She was a baby compared to him and dressed in a white dress covered with a pearl white mink. Her baby blue eyes darted around as she stretched her long smooth legs out the door. Her blonde hair swirled around her head as it blew in the wind. The diamond bracelets on her wrists and thick diamond choker around her neck sparkled in the setting sun. Her ring finger was adorned with a boulder of a diamond that looked too big for her small hand. There was little doubt what this woman fancied.
(consider this to make it flow smoother and to avoid starting multiple sentences with 'her')
He rubbed his hand through his short grey hair then turned around to help his wife out. Compared to him, she was just a babe. Her baby blue eyes darted around as she stretched her long smooth legs out the door. She drew her pearl white mink around her shoulders when a breeze swept through, lifting her blonde hair. From the diamond tennis bracelets and choker to the enormous diamond on her slender finger, there was little doubt what this woman fancied.
Lori sat at the edge of her bed and stroked Stan's face with her (finger tips)
(fingertips)
Good evening," Stan said as he wrapped his hand around hers and pulled it to his lips and kissed her fingers.
(so both sentences don't start with Good, consider:)
Stan wrapped his hand around hers and pulled it to his lips, kissing her fingers. "Good evening."
they won't live to see another (sun rise)
(sunrise)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2009
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Nice chapter Steve, I really enjoyed! Lori is not feeling this at all...lol. This should be very intersting!!
He stood at over six foot tall, (was) dressed in an all black suite with a red silk tie.
(not needed)
He rubbed his hand through his short grey hair then turned around to help his wife out. She was a baby compared to him and dressed in a white dress covered with a pearl white mink. Her baby blue eyes darted around as she stretched her long smooth legs out the door. Her blonde hair swirled around her head as it blew in the wind. The diamond bracelets on her wrists and thick diamond choker around her neck sparkled in the setting sun. Her ring finger was adorned with a boulder of a diamond that looked too big for her small hand. There was little doubt what this woman fancied.
(consider this to make it flow smoother and to avoid starting multiple sentences with 'her')
He rubbed his hand through his short grey hair then turned around to help his wife out. Compared to him, she was just a babe. Her baby blue eyes darted around as she stretched her long smooth legs out the door. She drew her pearl white mink around her shoulders when a breeze swept through, lifting her blonde hair. From the diamond tennis bracelets and choker to the enormous diamond on her slender finger, there was little doubt what this woman fancied.
Lori sat at the edge of her bed and stroked Stan's face with her (finger tips)
(fingertips)
Good evening," Stan said as he wrapped his hand around hers and pulled it to his lips and kissed her fingers.
(so both sentences don't start with Good, consider:)
Stan wrapped his hand around hers and pulled it to his lips, kissing her fingers. "Good evening."
they won't live to see another (sun rise)
(sunrise)
Cassandra
Comment Written 04-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much Cassandra! I'll edit this chapter and include your suggestions. :)
Comment from Alcaide
NightWriter,
Well I enjoyed the chapter. I did find something things that I couldn't ignore. I could be wrong but I felt that bringing it to your attention might be helpful.
I believe the opening paragraph should be two paragraphs. One about the GulfStream touching downa and the other one about Jimmy and the FBI investigation of him. Then you have a scene change to Chuck...
It seem curious to me that Chuck the man who seems to be orchestrating the arrival would just run after the girl without issuing a command to someone in second command to take over. It felt like Chuck was running the show. Sorry, this my first chapter.
He stood at over six foot tall, was dressed in an all black suite with a red silk tie. Remove "was."
She was a baby compared to him and dressed in a white dress covered with a pearl white mink. You are using dressed and dress, also white and white in the same sentence. Suggest that you change one of them.
The inflight conversation of the Brook and Jim is very good. I like that scene.
In a voice not easy to dismiss he demanded, "Take me to
him at once." Then he stuck his cigar back in his mouth.
I really don't think you need "In a voice not easy to dismiss, he demanded," as this is infer in the dialogue.
"Harmless? I strongly disagree. I also disagree with your extra nice treatment of them. Why can't you turn them over to the authorities and be done with this mess?" I am going out on a limb here. Sorry if I am wrong. But does anybody really speak like this. "I strongly disagree."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2009
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NightWriter,
Well I enjoyed the chapter. I did find something things that I couldn't ignore. I could be wrong but I felt that bringing it to your attention might be helpful.
I believe the opening paragraph should be two paragraphs. One about the GulfStream touching downa and the other one about Jimmy and the FBI investigation of him. Then you have a scene change to Chuck...
It seem curious to me that Chuck the man who seems to be orchestrating the arrival would just run after the girl without issuing a command to someone in second command to take over. It felt like Chuck was running the show. Sorry, this my first chapter.
He stood at over six foot tall, was dressed in an all black suite with a red silk tie. Remove "was."
She was a baby compared to him and dressed in a white dress covered with a pearl white mink. You are using dressed and dress, also white and white in the same sentence. Suggest that you change one of them.
The inflight conversation of the Brook and Jim is very good. I like that scene.
In a voice not easy to dismiss he demanded, "Take me to
him at once." Then he stuck his cigar back in his mouth.
I really don't think you need "In a voice not easy to dismiss, he demanded," as this is infer in the dialogue.
"Harmless? I strongly disagree. I also disagree with your extra nice treatment of them. Why can't you turn them over to the authorities and be done with this mess?" I am going out on a limb here. Sorry if I am wrong. But does anybody really speak like this. "I strongly disagree."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much Alcaide for your wonderful and very helpful review. I will look at the chapter and make changes where you indicated. I think you have some excellent suggestions. Thanks again! :)
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello NightWriter
what do you fly a Cessna One-Seventy-Two You seem to know quite a bit how they fly fancy piloting fancy piloting when you told us about when Jim-
He pulled back on the stick putting the Cessna into a steep climb, then pushed the yoke forward pushing the plane nose into a brief dive. At the top of the climb just as the plane started falling, they experienced zero gravity, then as the plane tipped forward to the ground they felt the sudden pull of negative gravity.
Stan, certainly has big plans for the whole mob and I will be waiting.
An exciting plane ride
smiles
Gert
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2009
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Hello NightWriter
what do you fly a Cessna One-Seventy-Two You seem to know quite a bit how they fly fancy piloting fancy piloting when you told us about when Jim-
He pulled back on the stick putting the Cessna into a steep climb, then pushed the yoke forward pushing the plane nose into a brief dive. At the top of the climb just as the plane started falling, they experienced zero gravity, then as the plane tipped forward to the ground they felt the sudden pull of negative gravity.
Stan, certainly has big plans for the whole mob and I will be waiting.
An exciting plane ride
smiles
Gert
Comment Written 01-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2009
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Thank you so much Gert for another wonderful review. I actually flew a Piper Warrior and a Piper Tomahawk most of the time, but I've been in both Cessna 172 and the smaller 152. The Cessna's are the most popular and the ones usually available to rent. Being high wing aircraft, you can look out their side windows straight down to the ground. With the Pipers, a low winged aircraft, there was always a wing under you so it felt a little safer. I have a fear of heights, but for some odd reason, flying at 8,000ft didn't bother me as much as climbing a 200ft fire ranger tower, LOL. Thanks again!
Comment from Tellis
Another great chapter in this terrific story. I always enjoy reading this well written story and I think the idea of a benevolent vampire is quite good.
Tellis
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Another great chapter in this terrific story. I always enjoy reading this well written story and I think the idea of a benevolent vampire is quite good.
Tellis
Comment Written 31-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much Tellis for your wonderful and much appreciated review.
Comment from jlsavell
NightWriter, just what are you up to? No really what is Stan up to, I am most curious. Once again another great chapter. Great visuals and dialogue. I love flying!!! You must too...cannot wait for the next chapter..jimi
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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NightWriter, just what are you up to? No really what is Stan up to, I am most curious. Once again another great chapter. Great visuals and dialogue. I love flying!!! You must too...cannot wait for the next chapter..jimi
Comment Written 31-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009
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Thank you so much Jimi! I was once a pilot, but it became too expensive. I conquered my fear of heights by learning to fly, and my nightmares of falling from high places went away. Although, you'll never see me climbing a tower anytime soon, LOL. :)
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I knew it. I love great heights. It just gives me a rush. I love to bungee jump. am I crazy or what???
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flying does get expensive..well you are just going to have to publish this novel and make it a movie..then you can fly, sir!!!!
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You are brave! I do like a good roller coaster, you know, the kind that try and throw you out of your seat. But bunge jumping or jumping out of a plane, I'd freeze like a stick in ice, LOL. Good for you! :)
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I just love how you think! :)
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Pardon the expression but bungee jumping or free falling for 250 feet just to swing back and forth is better than,,than than;;well you get my drift.heheheehehehe..not brave at all..just love it..I would love to sky dive, but I could not afford the luxury.I do have many friends who are pilots and once in a while they will take me soaring..but it is few and dfar between these days..
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I am glad you love how I think..this is a good novel you got going..who knows maybe you can help write for that new Vampire Sequal, Twilight.go knock on some doors sir..
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Thank you! :)
