A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "A Four -Letter- Word"Autobiography of abuse
14 total reviews
Comment from johannigan
Fabulous Gilbran quote. Your first paragraph is extremely important. It could be stronger if you do this: removed 'that' several times--tighten by removing more.
It was not long after Lee left I realized how foolish I had been. I really didn't like him at all. I had been so convinced I would never have a boyfriend I had settled for someone cruel and disgusting just to fit in with the crowd. When I entered the eleventh grade, I actually found solace in being unattractive. Bonnie...
in the spirit of 'show, don't tell' you don't need to say she is depressed. You have shown how she feels. You've tackled a difficult topic and conveyed the rawness of this teen's feelings. Make the last paragraph stronger--you could tie it to the Gilbran quote, e.g., In the midst of this terrible angst, a strange question formed. Was I really unloved, or was I simply not able to feel love? The answer was yes, and no, and yes. But I did feel other emotions. Would that be enough?
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reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Fabulous Gilbran quote. Your first paragraph is extremely important. It could be stronger if you do this: removed 'that' several times--tighten by removing more.
It was not long after Lee left I realized how foolish I had been. I really didn't like him at all. I had been so convinced I would never have a boyfriend I had settled for someone cruel and disgusting just to fit in with the crowd. When I entered the eleventh grade, I actually found solace in being unattractive. Bonnie...
in the spirit of 'show, don't tell' you don't need to say she is depressed. You have shown how she feels. You've tackled a difficult topic and conveyed the rawness of this teen's feelings. Make the last paragraph stronger--you could tie it to the Gilbran quote, e.g., In the midst of this terrible angst, a strange question formed. Was I really unloved, or was I simply not able to feel love? The answer was yes, and no, and yes. But I did feel other emotions. Would that be enough?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2015
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Thanks for the helpful comments. I have re-written A Leaf and it is now titled Celebrate the Dandelions. I wasn't happy with my first publisher and decided to try a new one. Editing is the hardest part of writing and no matter how many professionals I had go over A Leaf, they never caught everything. I doubt it is possible to ever catch everything.
Comment from medicnate
Very sad. She, still, after all of those years couldn't come to the realization that her husband was a monster.
I cannot tell my children I love them. I don't know why. I had a similar childhood experience, not by my parent, but still, I had a Dad that never told me he loved me and now I can't say it to my own family. I was good at it when I was courting my wife, but now. I can't anymore and I don't know why.
Sorry to vent.
~medicnate~
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
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Very sad. She, still, after all of those years couldn't come to the realization that her husband was a monster.
I cannot tell my children I love them. I don't know why. I had a similar childhood experience, not by my parent, but still, I had a Dad that never told me he loved me and now I can't say it to my own family. I was good at it when I was courting my wife, but now. I can't anymore and I don't know why.
Sorry to vent.
~medicnate~
Comment Written 05-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
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Taumatic experiences relly play havoc with you psychi. I think love for some is a frightening word...especially if when you are very it is associated with someting negative. I agree, for some it is felt but saying it is just too hard.
Comment from Lois Delaney
You say when Theresa leaves, you will be alone. But what about the other girls. Did you give up on protecting them? Just wondering.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
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You say when Theresa leaves, you will be alone. But what about the other girls. Did you give up on protecting them? Just wondering.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
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No, I didn't give up on them. My sister Teresa and I were never close, but I always hoped our relationshi would change. Despite her inability to help, she was my sister and it was hard living without her. After she left I focused on my younger sisters.
Comment from adewpearl
When the narrator lashes out at her mother, I could really feel all the pent-up resentment - if you really loved me, you would have stopped Daddy long ago - this is what I always think about women like this when I hear of a case of abuse on the news - the men I understand, the mothers mystify and anger me beyond belief another well-written chapter
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2009
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When the narrator lashes out at her mother, I could really feel all the pent-up resentment - if you really loved me, you would have stopped Daddy long ago - this is what I always think about women like this when I hear of a case of abuse on the news - the men I understand, the mothers mystify and anger me beyond belief another well-written chapter
Comment Written 23-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2009
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Thank you for you kind and uderstanding words.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
I have a very deep understanding of your feelings as described in this chapter. Once again, you have written with clarity and passion.
Your pain and confusion are very well described (as usual). All the best.
Kat
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2009
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I have a very deep understanding of your feelings as described in this chapter. Once again, you have written with clarity and passion.
Your pain and confusion are very well described (as usual). All the best.
Kat
Comment Written 22-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2009
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Thak you. I appreciate your opinion.
Comment from Stacey Lynne Wells
This was another great chapter. Your family does love you even though often times, it may seem like they don't. I wish you the best of luck with your venture and getting this resolved!
Regards,
Rachel
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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This was another great chapter. Your family does love you even though often times, it may seem like they don't. I wish you the best of luck with your venture and getting this resolved!
Regards,
Rachel
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thank you for you kind words. I appreciate your encouragement.
Comment from laurelp
A very strong chapter. To realize as much as you have about all of this is really amazing. What is even more amazing is that you can write about it. Job well done.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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A very strong chapter. To realize as much as you have about all of this is really amazing. What is even more amazing is that you can write about it. Job well done.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I appreciate and look forward to you comments.
Comment from jodeecee
When we were alone/ /,Daddy would lay a twenty-dollar bill on the counter
I found it difficult to sleep,/ /and when I did
I buried my face in my pillow to silence my sobs. I cried myself to sleep. (suggestion)
I buried my face in my pillow to silence my sobs and cried myself to sleep.
Mom's sudden show of concern/,/ /cut:for me/ infuriated me.
Inside my chest was a big empty hole/,/ where the love I so desperately wanted should have been. (this is just a suggestion, -the comma)
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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When we were alone/ /,Daddy would lay a twenty-dollar bill on the counter
I found it difficult to sleep,/ /and when I did
I buried my face in my pillow to silence my sobs. I cried myself to sleep. (suggestion)
I buried my face in my pillow to silence my sobs and cried myself to sleep.
Mom's sudden show of concern/,/ /cut:for me/ infuriated me.
Inside my chest was a big empty hole/,/ where the love I so desperately wanted should have been. (this is just a suggestion, -the comma)
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your great eye...and the high rating.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
WOW! Such incredibly powerful and emotionally charged writing just leaps off of the page as if it were on fire! This is truly exceptional writing, Smurphy!
I only spyed one sentence that needs work. You write:
As the wedding approached, I found it difficult to sleep,and, when I did, I had terrifying nightmares, and I suffered from constant migraines.
Repair punctuation and structure as follows:
As the wedding approached, I found it difficult to sleep, and when I did, I had terrifying nightmares and suffered from constant migranes.
Hope that helps!
Fantastic work! Just fantastic!
Seraph~
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2009
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WOW! Such incredibly powerful and emotionally charged writing just leaps off of the page as if it were on fire! This is truly exceptional writing, Smurphy!
I only spyed one sentence that needs work. You write:
As the wedding approached, I found it difficult to sleep,and, when I did, I had terrifying nightmares, and I suffered from constant migraines.
Repair punctuation and structure as follows:
As the wedding approached, I found it difficult to sleep, and when I did, I had terrifying nightmares and suffered from constant migranes.
Hope that helps!
Fantastic work! Just fantastic!
Seraph~
Comment Written 20-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2009
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Thak you. I am off the repair the punctuation as I write....
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You are so very welcome!
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Very well written you have expressed Valeries thoughts and feelings strongly throughout this piece it is a hard subject to write about and you have done well regards Fuller
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2009
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Very well written you have expressed Valeries thoughts and feelings strongly throughout this piece it is a hard subject to write about and you have done well regards Fuller
Comment Written 20-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I sincerely appreciate your opinion.
