A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Betrayal Part 2"Autobiography of abuse
10 total reviews
Comment from medicnate
Very much a roller coaster ride. Now she is helpless and the last stitch of hope was snatched from her. Very unnerving to be all alone. I was listening to the song 'Desperate' by David Archuletta while reading this and it fit the story to a T.
a(an) elderly man wearing
~medicnate~
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
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Very much a roller coaster ride. Now she is helpless and the last stitch of hope was snatched from her. Very unnerving to be all alone. I was listening to the song 'Desperate' by David Archuletta while reading this and it fit the story to a T.
a(an) elderly man wearing
~medicnate~
Comment Written 05-Apr-2009
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2009
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Odd you should say that. To this day when I listen to music from certain periods of time in my past it often results in a wild flashback...sometime good, sometimes not so good. I am very careful about what I listen to now.
Comment from Lois Delaney
I can certainly understand your reaction. I probably would have done so long before. You stood strong for many years, and when life is so dreadful that your own family turn against you and betray you, death seems the only way out.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
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I can certainly understand your reaction. I probably would have done so long before. You stood strong for many years, and when life is so dreadful that your own family turn against you and betray you, death seems the only way out.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
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Thank you for your understanding review. I sincerely appreciate your opinion.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Another well written and exceptionally authentic chapter is presented to the reader.
Suggestions are as follows:
The author writes.
"The drive to Stillicum took about an hour."
This needs an introduction such as, "The next morning, the drive to Stillcum took..."
(Same concern as previously mentioned with referencing "Mom" vs. "Mommy" against the counterpoint of "Daddy.")
The author writes,
"I immediately sensed something was wrong."
Check spelling of "senced."
Check spelling of word "viscious."
The author writes:
"My entire body began to shake? uncontrollably."
Is the question mark intentional here? Omit.
The author writes:
"I let out a loud scream that lasted several seconds"
Suggestion:
"that seemed like eternity."
The author writes:
"I stood up and, with nowhere to go, I slowly walked back to the car.?"
omit question mark. (I know this is just and editorial promblem here on FS)
The author writes:
"There were no sign of guilt..."
Amend, "There were no signs of guilt..."
I will re-rate this work upon necessary revisions consistent with common American literary usage. Please advise when they are implemented.
Personal remarks:
OH MY LORD! Smurphy, I am ... just speachless... your story is, again so palpable and authentic... I want nothing more than to intervene. You leave the reader both impotent in the ability to right a wrong, and angry in the same inability to help a child.
Seraph ~
SECOND REVIEW:
The work is well deserving of a five star rating.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2009
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Another well written and exceptionally authentic chapter is presented to the reader.
Suggestions are as follows:
The author writes.
"The drive to Stillicum took about an hour."
This needs an introduction such as, "The next morning, the drive to Stillcum took..."
(Same concern as previously mentioned with referencing "Mom" vs. "Mommy" against the counterpoint of "Daddy.")
The author writes,
"I immediately sensed something was wrong."
Check spelling of "senced."
Check spelling of word "viscious."
The author writes:
"My entire body began to shake? uncontrollably."
Is the question mark intentional here? Omit.
The author writes:
"I let out a loud scream that lasted several seconds"
Suggestion:
"that seemed like eternity."
The author writes:
"I stood up and, with nowhere to go, I slowly walked back to the car.?"
omit question mark. (I know this is just and editorial promblem here on FS)
The author writes:
"There were no sign of guilt..."
Amend, "There were no signs of guilt..."
I will re-rate this work upon necessary revisions consistent with common American literary usage. Please advise when they are implemented.
Personal remarks:
OH MY LORD! Smurphy, I am ... just speachless... your story is, again so palpable and authentic... I want nothing more than to intervene. You leave the reader both impotent in the ability to right a wrong, and angry in the same inability to help a child.
Seraph ~
SECOND REVIEW:
The work is well deserving of a five star rating.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2009
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Thak you so much for your detailed review. I double checked the spelling of sensed and viscious and they are correct. Viscious is a terrible word to spell. Every time I have ever used it I have had to look it up. The ? are a problem with the editor here and I thought I had caught them all. I'll pay more attention in the future. You are correct in your comment about Mom versus Mommy. I called my father daddy all my life, and still do. The transision from Mom to Mommy was sudden as though I woke up on day and she was no longer mommy and became Mom. I will go to a previous chapter and mention the change. This chapter is so complicated that it seems not the place for the explanation...but an explanation is warrantd.
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Mea culpa! I am so sorry. You are write about sensed and vicious! The editorial question marks have been removed and the corrections made. The rating will be adjusted. Also, I am glad to hear you will be adding an explanation to the change of the mother's name. An earlier chapter would probably be better. I think that is a great idea.
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Not a problem. I still look forward to and appreciate your critiques!
Comment from jodeecee
Wow. part two of betrayal was very intense. I'm speechless.
---------suggestions.
The hope/,/ I had entertained that morning/,/ was gone forever. I cried until there were no more tears in me. I felt like an animal trapped in a cage. I stood up and, with nowhere to go, I slowly walked back to the car./?/
I regretted my naivety in believing that Mom had gathered everyone together to confront Daddy.
//I regretted my naivety, believing that Mom would gather everyone together to confront Daddy.//
I removed a single razor and without hesitating, I turned on the cold water and while holding my arm under the faucet, I proceeded to slice a two-inch long cut across my wrist.
//I removed a single razor and without hesitating, turned on the cold water, held my arm under the faucet and proceeded to slice a two-inch long cut across my wrist.//
I wanted to die. /cut:I could not go on living like this any longer./ I promised myself that next time I would find a better way to kill myself/;/, and /cut:I would find/ a method that did not include so much pain.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2009
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Wow. part two of betrayal was very intense. I'm speechless.
---------suggestions.
The hope/,/ I had entertained that morning/,/ was gone forever. I cried until there were no more tears in me. I felt like an animal trapped in a cage. I stood up and, with nowhere to go, I slowly walked back to the car./?/
I regretted my naivety in believing that Mom had gathered everyone together to confront Daddy.
//I regretted my naivety, believing that Mom would gather everyone together to confront Daddy.//
I removed a single razor and without hesitating, I turned on the cold water and while holding my arm under the faucet, I proceeded to slice a two-inch long cut across my wrist.
//I removed a single razor and without hesitating, turned on the cold water, held my arm under the faucet and proceeded to slice a two-inch long cut across my wrist.//
I wanted to die. /cut:I could not go on living like this any longer./ I promised myself that next time I would find a better way to kill myself/;/, and /cut:I would find/ a method that did not include so much pain.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2009
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Thak you. I sincerely appreciate your comments and helpful suggestions.
Comment from laurelp
I see a new picture has been put up in lieu of the cartoon picture from before.
How truly sad to have an entire family against you. It only helps to make me appreciate my dull mundane life even more. Nicely written even if the subject matter is so disturbing.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2009
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I see a new picture has been put up in lieu of the cartoon picture from before.
How truly sad to have an entire family against you. It only helps to make me appreciate my dull mundane life even more. Nicely written even if the subject matter is so disturbing.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2009
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Thakyou for your high rating. I agree, it is a difficult subject but I am pleased you liking. The phot is of me the age of 3.
Comment from The Rivaling Mimic
This was a rather enjoyable piece. I think that you kept well with the theme, certainly enough that your creativity shone with imagery. I have noticed no room for improvement.
The Rivaling Mimic
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2009
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This was a rather enjoyable piece. I think that you kept well with the theme, certainly enough that your creativity shone with imagery. I have noticed no room for improvement.
The Rivaling Mimic
Comment Written 15-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2009
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Than you for your kind words. Appeciate your opinion.
Comment from Janet65
Hi Smurphgirl,
A great paragraph of your story, and it left me wanting to know more. Guess I will have to read the rest of the chapters. I found no errors, and nothing I would change. I will be watching for further chapters.
Janet
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
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Hi Smurphgirl,
A great paragraph of your story, and it left me wanting to know more. Guess I will have to read the rest of the chapters. I found no errors, and nothing I would change. I will be watching for further chapters.
Janet
Comment Written 14-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
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Thanks. I really glad you like it. Thanks for the high rating.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Oh gods Valerie, this is so incredibly sad - and familiar to me. How despicable of your family to betray you in such a way. There is nothing I can say except I am so glad you survived to tell your story.
Reading through, there are a number of stray query marks (?) here and there. I don't know if you hit that by accident, meaning a comma, or whether the editor package has malfunctioned in some way.
Blessing brave lady
Kat
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
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Oh gods Valerie, this is so incredibly sad - and familiar to me. How despicable of your family to betray you in such a way. There is nothing I can say except I am so glad you survived to tell your story.
Reading through, there are a number of stray query marks (?) here and there. I don't know if you hit that by accident, meaning a comma, or whether the editor package has malfunctioned in some way.
Blessing brave lady
Kat
Comment Written 14-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
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Thanks. Yes, I caught the ?s....Again, thanks for your high rating.
Comment from Stacey Lynne Wells
Is this issue ever gonna get resolved? Uf tiy dib't wanna spoil it for all those guys who like to be surprised, please PM me cause I really wanna know. I'll keep the secret and I can assure you you won't be sent away! That went horribly! Though I wouldn't hav said F you. I would have strippedd and showed them the cut you got. Or was it gone already? Know you can't kill yourself with a raiser! Wait, you said there was blood on the sheet. Mom saw the blood on the sheet. Jow could you have fallen and gotten blood on your sheets? It's not possible. Yiur Dad cut you when trying to go inside you. It can't just be explained away. There's major evidence. Well good luck.
Rachel
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
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Is this issue ever gonna get resolved? Uf tiy dib't wanna spoil it for all those guys who like to be surprised, please PM me cause I really wanna know. I'll keep the secret and I can assure you you won't be sent away! That went horribly! Though I wouldn't hav said F you. I would have strippedd and showed them the cut you got. Or was it gone already? Know you can't kill yourself with a raiser! Wait, you said there was blood on the sheet. Mom saw the blood on the sheet. Jow could you have fallen and gotten blood on your sheets? It's not possible. Yiur Dad cut you when trying to go inside you. It can't just be explained away. There's major evidence. Well good luck.
Rachel
Comment Written 14-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
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Thanks for the high rating. I'll PM you.
Comment from FredCollingwood
Smurphy, This is great. You have so much going on is a brief piece--excellent. A couple of very minor things you might want to look at:
her father about his (devient) behavior. > sp
But the (confernce) does not go as planned. > sp
Valerie is a mean,( )vicious,( )manipulative child > remove extra spaces
I stood up and, with nowhere to go(,) I slowly walked back to the car > semi-colon
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
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Smurphy, This is great. You have so much going on is a brief piece--excellent. A couple of very minor things you might want to look at:
her father about his (devient) behavior. > sp
But the (confernce) does not go as planned. > sp
Valerie is a mean,( )vicious,( )manipulative child > remove extra spaces
I stood up and, with nowhere to go(,) I slowly walked back to the car > semi-colon
Comment Written 14-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I value your opinion. I will address your appeciated corrections. Again, thank you!
