A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Lies"Autobiography of abuse
15 total reviews
Comment from marion
Hi there smurphgirl
How tragic this story is. I think it is well told through the eyes of a young girl. I really liked the way you combined her fear after she told on Frank - the last three or four paragraghs of the story. You still have some edits to do but I was so engrossed that I am sorry, I didn't note them for you. I hope some-one does take the time, this is a very gripping story. Marion.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Hi there smurphgirl
How tragic this story is. I think it is well told through the eyes of a young girl. I really liked the way you combined her fear after she told on Frank - the last three or four paragraghs of the story. You still have some edits to do but I was so engrossed that I am sorry, I didn't note them for you. I hope some-one does take the time, this is a very gripping story. Marion.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I will go over it again and try to catch the edits myself. Again, thank you.
Comment from jaeladarling
Child molesters infuriate me to no end. I hate when innocent children are placed in such situations. It can and does ruin their lives.
Anyway, the story is developing well, and I like how you tell it from the child's point of view.
I have some technical items for your consideration:
"...drained from the pond leaving..." Comma after "pond".
"...water hoping to catch a glimpse of the creatures but that..." Comma after "water" and "creatures".
"...his fat pock marked nose." Comma after "fat" and hyphenate "pock marked" ("pock-marked").
"A large, thick and, very ugly mole..." Move the comma to after "thick".
"She was always yelling at him telling him..." Comma after the first "him".
"...neat circles then, go into..." Move the comma to after "circles".
"I opened the gate and followed him inside the house." You don't need "the house".
"...the living room where he was..." Comma after "room".
"Suddenly seeing me in the doorway Frank waved..." Comma after "doorway".
"...upper leg then, slowly traveled..." Move the comma to after "leg".
"...my thigh then down onto..." Change "then" to "and".
"...over my mouth preventing..." Comma after "mouth".
"...and no longer able to hide my anger I..." Comma after "and" and "anger".
"...authoraative voice..." You misspelled "authoritative".
"...said over, and over again..." No comma.
"Did she really mean anyone or, did she just mean Frank." Move the comma to after "anyone" and put a question mark at the end of the sentence instead of a period.
"...talking about daddy but deep down..." Comma after "daddy".
"I wanted to believe daddy but that..." Comma after "daddy".
"...under my bed terrified mommy..." Comma after "bed".
"...about Frank he would think..." Comma after "Frank".
I hope this helps. Nice work.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Child molesters infuriate me to no end. I hate when innocent children are placed in such situations. It can and does ruin their lives.
Anyway, the story is developing well, and I like how you tell it from the child's point of view.
I have some technical items for your consideration:
"...drained from the pond leaving..." Comma after "pond".
"...water hoping to catch a glimpse of the creatures but that..." Comma after "water" and "creatures".
"...his fat pock marked nose." Comma after "fat" and hyphenate "pock marked" ("pock-marked").
"A large, thick and, very ugly mole..." Move the comma to after "thick".
"She was always yelling at him telling him..." Comma after the first "him".
"...neat circles then, go into..." Move the comma to after "circles".
"I opened the gate and followed him inside the house." You don't need "the house".
"...the living room where he was..." Comma after "room".
"Suddenly seeing me in the doorway Frank waved..." Comma after "doorway".
"...upper leg then, slowly traveled..." Move the comma to after "leg".
"...my thigh then down onto..." Change "then" to "and".
"...over my mouth preventing..." Comma after "mouth".
"...and no longer able to hide my anger I..." Comma after "and" and "anger".
"...authoraative voice..." You misspelled "authoritative".
"...said over, and over again..." No comma.
"Did she really mean anyone or, did she just mean Frank." Move the comma to after "anyone" and put a question mark at the end of the sentence instead of a period.
"...talking about daddy but deep down..." Comma after "daddy".
"I wanted to believe daddy but that..." Comma after "daddy".
"...under my bed terrified mommy..." Comma after "bed".
"...about Frank he would think..." Comma after "Frank".
I hope this helps. Nice work.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I appreciate your comments and assistance in my grammar and punctuation. When it comes to editing my own work I seem to have blinders on. Thanks for the help.
Comment from nightraine1956
Wow. How terrible. Now that I made that comment, I thought you did a good job of the voice of Valerie. The voice of a child is hard to do with innocence and you did a great job there. You also showed the fear very well when she talked of her father finding out what Frank did. Very scary for a little one.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Wow. How terrible. Now that I made that comment, I thought you did a good job of the voice of Valerie. The voice of a child is hard to do with innocence and you did a great job there. You also showed the fear very well when she talked of her father finding out what Frank did. Very scary for a little one.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Thamk you. I am pleased you can see from the point of few of the child...that was my intent.
Comment from RaymondJohn
Instead of using "I watched" in the first paragraph, show it happening. They are a great image, believe me. You have a very strong narrative. Very visual, and I like the narrator. Great pace and an interesting idea. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Instead of using "I watched" in the first paragraph, show it happening. They are a great image, believe me. You have a very strong narrative. Very visual, and I like the narrator. Great pace and an interesting idea. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I appreciate your comments and will work on "showing" it happen. I agree I often over use the passive.
Comment from FredCollingwood
Wow1 this is a powerful story. It grabbbed me. It need a bit too much work to warrant a five.
Her (mothers) angry reaction frightens and confuses Valerie. > possessive--mother's
In a loud, angry, (authoraative) voice mommy said > sp
(Ignorning) my tears, mommy began pacing back and forth > sp
She (suddely) stomped out of the room and a few seconds later() I heard the kitchen door slam > sp; add comma
a really big mistake > you could make it cleaner if you ommitted "really."
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Wow1 this is a powerful story. It grabbbed me. It need a bit too much work to warrant a five.
Her (mothers) angry reaction frightens and confuses Valerie. > possessive--mother's
In a loud, angry, (authoraative) voice mommy said > sp
(Ignorning) my tears, mommy began pacing back and forth > sp
She (suddely) stomped out of the room and a few seconds later() I heard the kitchen door slam > sp; add comma
a really big mistake > you could make it cleaner if you ommitted "really."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I appreciate your comments and will work on my poor spelling. Again, thank you.
